It was not enough for you, Darken Rahl,
That Richard was gone.
You could not be satisfied with that
Because you were too power hungry
To be satisfied with anything
Less than control over everyone.
I was just one of the prizes
Of your conquest over Richard.
I was also your source of power
Since the Boxes of Orden
Had disappeared along with Richard.
You have shown in the past, Darken Rahl,
That you desire a Confessor child.
You once sought my sister's son,
But he slipped out your grasp.
Then, you attempted
To take my Confessor power away from me
And bestow it on yourself.
That plan failed as well.
Now all the Confessors are dead,
Except for me.
I had been the Seeker's Confessor.
Now I have no other choice
But to become your Confessor, Rahl.
You made my choices simple enough:
Either spend my life in your dungeons
Or consent to be your wife.
I could be of no help to Richard
If I was locked in your dungeons.
However, if I gave you your Confessor child,
There would then be a chance
For Richard to come back and defeat you.
I married you, Darken Rahl, for Richard
And for Richard alone.
Shota had told me that a Confessor
Would be needed
In helping to return Richard to our time.
I had been one of your greatest enemies, Rahl.
I had helped the Seeker to fight against you.
I knew that you wouldn't risk keeping me alive.
I may have been your prisoner,
But you had to have known
That I would always remain a threat to you.
You may be cruel, but you're definitely not stupid.
If I couldn't be there for Richard,
I would make sure
That my daughter
Would be ready to help him.
My daughter, not our daughter, Darken Rahl.
Even though I had consented
To be your wife in the flesh,
I would never be your wife in the spirit.
To say that my daughter was our daughter
Would have created a bond between us
That would never exist.
We would always be enemies,
And enemies do not share children.
I could not stop the tear
That fell down my cheek
When you told me
That my child was a boy,
A male Confessor.
I have been taught
What monsters male Confessors become
If they are allowed to live.
Even though I spared my sister's son,
I knew there was no chance
That any good could come
Out of a male Confessor
That was sired by you, Darken Rahl.
I knew that you would influence my son
And take the bloodlust already present in him
And use him for your own dark purposes.
I know that you are not stupid,
But I couldn't believe that you actually thought
That you could control a male Confessor.
A male Confessor cannot be controlled,
Even by evil.
I offered to give you a daughter.
I offered to allow you to bed me again.
I knew that with a daughter
I would have a chance
To make sure
That she would be on Richard's side.
I offered to give you a daughter
Who would dote on her father
In hopes that I would sway you
Away from making a big mistake.
I didn't really want
Any daughter of mine loving you, Darken Rahl,
But in the heat of the moment,
I was just trying to say
What I hoped would be the right words.
My son started to cry.
I tried to be indifferent to his cries,
The cries of a monster;
But at the same time,
I could not forget the fact
That I was his mother.
I had felt him growing inside me.
I had felt his heartbeat.
Then, you told me,
With desperation in your voice,
An emotion
I would have never expected
To hear in your voice,
That you have never held a baby before.
The great Darken Rahl
Had no idea how to stop a baby's cries.
Then, you said, "Please, Kahlan."
You really were not acting like yourself,
And for just that moment,
I was not thinking about how much I hated you,
Or about how much I feared
What my son would become.
My son needed me.
My son needed his mother.
I took my son from your arms
And held him close to me.
He immediately stopped crying,
And a bond was formed between us,
Mother and son.
Even after the birth of my son,
You still allowed me to live.
Not only did you allow me to live,
You also allowed me to raise my son.
I was suspicious of your motives, Rahl,
For I knew that you intended to use my son
For your own dark purposes,
But I found happiness in raising Nicholas
And watching him grow up
Before my eyes.
Being married to a monster like you, Rahl,
Made me miserable,
But Nicholas was a shining beacon
In my constant darkness.
He was my one joy in life.
He gave no signs at all
That he was a monster.
He was generous to others.
He took all my lessons to heart.
It didn't matter
That he wasn't a female Confessor.
Even though I had
My moments of doubt at first,
I grew to have hope
That my son
Would one day help Richard
To return to me,
To return to defeat you, Darken Rahl.
I thought that all was well.
Then, I learned that Nicholas
Had been abusing his Confessor power.
He Confessed a boy
Who didn't want to play his games,
Which included cutting off a finger.
Nicholas was no longer my son.
He was now your son, Darken Rahl.
I had tried to teach Nicholas goodness,
But you had somehow managed
To turn him to the same evil
That ran through your blood.
It also didn't help matters
That Nicholas was a male Confessor.
Between that and being your son, Darken Rahl,
I now had a monster to destroy.
I knew there was no way that Nicholas
Would ever help Richard.
All my years of marriage to you, Rahl,
And all my years of raising Nicholas
Had all been for nothing.
I had failed least I could do
Was to make sure that Nicholas
Was unable to cause any harm
In the time that he was living in.
I stood over your sleeping son, Darken Rahl,
With a knife in my hand.
I couldn't do it.
I couldn't kill my little Nicholas.
His face was so peaceful, so angelic.
I couldn't forget that despite the fact
That he was monster filled with bloodlust,
A monster as power hungry
And as evil as his father,
He was still my son.
I had carried him for nine months.
I had given birth to him.
I had raised him.
He was still my son.
The guards came into Nicholas's room
And took the knife away from me.
I was dragged to you, Darken Rahl,
Where you slapped me in anger.
You then slit Alice's throat,
Right in front of Nicholas.
As Alice lay dying,
You told me what a monster I was.
I was the monster?
You were the one
Who had just slit a defenseless woman's throat,
And you dared to call me a monster,
Even as she still laid dying.
You told me that you were willing
To grant me a merciful death, Darken Rahl.
Your voice betrayed no emotion,
But I thought I saw a flicker of something
In your eyes,
A flicker that was not of anger.
It was almost a flicker of sadness, perhaps regret,
But it had to be just my imagination.
You are not possible of regret or remorse.
The threat I presented to you
Had finally become clear.
I had threatened to kill your son,
Your son whose powers
You wanted to use for your own dark purposes.
I was an enemy that needed to be eliminated,
Nothing more.
Nicholas then stood up,
And my own son asked to be the one
Who would kill me.
My own son would be my murderer.
No, not my son, your son, Darken Rahl,
Your power hungry, monstrous son,
Even worse than his father.
If only Nicholas had been a girl.
A female Confessor
Might have been able
To escape your darkness, Darken Rahl.
Or she might not have.
I know that you would have done anything
To ensure that any child of yours
Would be on your side.
But still, a female Confessor
Might have made all the difference.
I might have been able
To lead a female Confessor to helping Richard,
Her father's greatest enemy.
I might have been able
To turn a female Confessor against her father.
There's no telling now.
What's done is done.
I had tried my best,
But it had not been enough.
Nothing I could have possibly done
Could ever turned a male Confessor,
Sired by an evil as great as you, Darken Rahl,
To the side of good.
It had been a lost cause
From the moment that Nicholas had been born.
If only Nicholas had been a girl.
Perhaps things would have been different.
Perhaps I would not have failed Richard.
I can only hope that Richard
Will somehow find a way
To fix all that I had ruined.
I'm so sorry, Richard,
My one and only love.