Author's Note: Okay, since I'm insane and me and my friends have had this conversation dozens of times, I've decided to conduct an interview with the Titans. Fun! Yay! Stupid comedy…!Here we go. Oh, and for those of you who don't know, a "schtick" is a stick with Shaun Connery accent attached.
(Scene starts and focuses in on an abandoned cafeteria somewhere in a Georgia private school. Lighting turns on and dimly lights the silhouettes of three girls sitting in a panel like manner around the table. The door opens at the far end of the cafeteria, and a boy with spiky black hair, a mask, and a colorful costume enters. He stares around.)
Robin: What the---
(Bright lights turn on and an illuminated neon blinking sign lights up behind the three girls. An invisible EMCEE begins in his deep announcer voice)
EMCEE: And Welcome! To today's thrilling edition of The World Needs to Know, Teen Titans edition! Today we'll be interviewing the heroes, but first! Let's introduce our interviewers.
(Camera swings around to the girl on the far left. She has brown hair and is wearing a Breakfast Club shirt, jeans, and pink converses.)
EMCEE: Interviewer 1, StarStar16! This prep/punkrock mix diva enjoys annoying her two best friends, her parents, and everyone else on the planet.
StarStar16: Do you want to eat that mike?
EMCEE: No. (Frowns as StarStar16 flicks him off and then continues.) Interviewer 2, Queen-morganalefay!
(Camera swings around to the girl in the middle. She has dirty blonde hair with lighter blonde streaks and is wearing a Queen t-shirt, black jeans, a Grim Reaper ring, sword necklace, and black and pink converses. She waves in a bored manner.)
EMCEE: This insane freak of a writer enjoys writing tragedy stories in which Starfire always seems to die if it's a Teen Titans fanfic, supporting the Robin/Raven pairing, playing her Fender guitar, and confusing people.
Queen-morganalefay: That's really all you've got? That's it? You didn't even include my obsession with—
(Interviewer still in shadow interrupts)
Interviewer 3: We don't need to know about that.
Queen-morganalefay: You mean about—
Interviewer 3: Shutup!
EMCEE: Oookay…anyways. (Camera swings to the third girl, who has shoulder length light blonde hair, and is wearing a "I'm up and dressed, what more do you want?" shirt, with jeans and combat boots, and a Georgia bulldogs jacket tied around her waist). Interviewer 3, Teen-Titans-Junkie! This interviewer enjoys abusing Queen-morganalefay about her boyfr—
Teen-Titans-Junkie: I'm telling you, shutup! (stands menacingly and grabs the schtick)
EMCEE: (speed reading his notes in fear) …trying to get her drums so she can join Queen-morganalefay in a band, talking about music, and drawing manga. (wipes brow as TTJ sits down.)
Robin: (eyebrow raised) Er…can I know why I'm here?
Queen: (mysterious expression) Why are any of us here?
StarStar16: (with impatient expression) EMCEE, do your job and tell Robin why he's here.
EMCEE: (mutters) Fine, fine… (begins again in louder voice) Robin of the Teen Titans! You are here to be interviewed by our lovely interviewers---
TTJ: (holds up hand) Hold up…we're lovely now?
EMCEE: ---on the hit show, The World Needs to Know! (music begins to play, and it happens to be the beginning of Bohemian Rhapsody. Star and TTJ turn to Queen).
Star: Have you been switching out the music again?
TTJ: Yeah, where's the theme music?
Queen: (hums the twilight zone theme song. Freddie Mercury is cut off mid-note and Queen turns to Robin, pressing her fingertips together in a benevolent manner, though her smirk is somewhat evil) Robin, dear, have a seat.
Robin: (Robin, looking somewhat bewildered, sits in the armchair across the table from the three girls. TTJ whirls toward the stage crew.)
TTJ: Why does he get an armchair?
Star: Because…he's Robin. Boy Wonder always gets what he wants.
Queen: Very true. Now, to begin. Robin, thank you for joining us today. We'd just like to ask you a few—
Robin: Look, this is great and all, but I was right in the middle of a fight with Johnny Rancid and—
Star: He was winning, wasn't he?
Robin: No!
TTJ: (In an assuring tone) This won't take long. Promise.
Robin: (resigned sigh) Fine. I suppose you're all harmless.
Star: (shaking her head) Oh, Robby, Robby…you have so much to learn, so little time.
Queen: Robin…
TTJ: If that is your real name.
Star: And it's not. It's ------ (word is bleeped out by our supervisors). What? That's a name!
Queen: How long have you been the leader of the Teen Titans?
Robin: (scratches head) Er…about a year or two…
TTJ: Real sure there, aren't you?
Queen: And how long have you been secretely going out with Slade?
Robin: What!
Queen: Star, do we have those clips?
Star: (Turning to the big screen TV and turning it on, inserting a DVD. She cackles in an evilish manner) We sure do, Queen. We sure do.
TTJ: (In mock baby voice) You got some 'splanin' to do…
(The DVD starts and shows the scene from The Apprentice pt. 2 when Slade is grinding Robin's face into the ground and saying "All my knowledge, all my power, all for you…" Star freezes the clip and turns to Robin with a triumphant smirk)
Star: How do you explain that, Robby?
Robin: We are fighting!
Queen: (nods understandingly) Lover's spat. Understandable.
Robin: Slade is my archrival! That's just disgusting.
TTJ: That's what we thought, too.
Star: So, on to the next question. (She leans back in her chair and examines the ceiling) Are those tights or pants?
Robin: Huh?
Star: Come, come, Robin. Tights or pants, which is it? The world needs to know!
(The real theme music begins and blares out the four teenagers in the cafeteria)
TTJ: Stop the music! STOP THE MUSIC!
(Music stops and Queen smiles, but TTJ just rolls her eyes.)
TTJ: Sure. Now it works. Anyways, Star, don't ask him that. It doesn't matter, he's hot!
Star: But the world needs to know!
Robin: Erm…
TTJ: You don't have to answer…but it would be nice to know.
Queen: The hell he doesn't have to answer. Of course he has to answer!
Robin: I…er…
TTJ: Next question…(shuffles through some papers that happen to be drawings she's done. She pulls out one of a purple haired girl in a "don't feed the models" shirt) Robin, what are your connections with this girl?
Queen: Don't lie. We have proof that you associate with her.
(Star rolls a clip of a tape of Robin and a person that has clearly had their head switched with the drawing)
Robin: This is ridiculous.
Star: (Speaks in condescending tone) No, Robin. This is a TV. See---(she points) T…V…television.
Queen: Are the rumors of a deep and personal relationship between you and Raven true?
Robin: If it was true, then what makes you think I'd tell you something that is supposed to be 'deep' and 'personal'.
Star: He doesn't go out with Raven. He's not cool enough.
Queen: Yes he is. (turns to Robin) So, it's a secret, which means it's meant to be revealed to the world.
Robin: That's not what a secret means…
Queen: Of course it is! I mean, you've never seen a villain with a Super Everyone-Knows-It Plan. It's always a Super Secret Plan that he reveals to the world!
Robin: You ever think you watch too much TV…
Star: (muttering) And reads too many books, and listens to too many seventies bands, and writes too many stupid stories.
Queen: I can hear you…
TTJ: (Leans toward Robin while the other two are fighting) By the way, so you know, I'm available.
Robin: (groans in exasperation) If you three don't let me go, I'll---
TTJ: (jumps up) Watch it, guys! Robin's gone psycho again!
(All three girls grab their schticks and call security in the loudest voice they can muster. The last shot shows Robin being dragged off by about six or seven armed security guards while trying to break free as they shock him with the taser. The EMCEE comes on screen again, looking harassed, and straightens his tie.)
EMCEE: Well, until tomorrow, when we continue this segment with more interviews from the Titans, this has been The World Needs to Know. Thank you and good night.
(Camera fades out on the three girls holding up a sign that says "We have Elvis" with Elvis crossed out and Robin written beneath in red crayon)