Chapter One
Angel sat in his office, his head in his hands, surrounded by a pile of paperwork. It was going to take forever to get through this…He needed his mind on the task, but still all he could think about was Buffy. Since they saw each other last week, the first time in two and a half years, she filled his thoughts constantly. It stirred feelings that he thought were well and truly under control. The phone rang shrilly and he sighed loudly and picked up the receiver.
Angel: Angel
Willow: Hey Angel
Angel: Willow?
Willow: Yeah…i…it's me
Angel: What's up?
Willow: It's…Last night…Buffy took a few of the girls out hunting with her. She didn't want to but well…when they went…they were attacked by a group of vamps and…and one of the girls…one of the girls was killed…
Angel: I'll be right over
His heart jumped as he put the phone down. Oh god, poor Buffy. He could imagine what she was feeling. She felt it was her duty to feel guilt for anything that went wrong and this…this was too much. She'd been through too much in the past, it wasn't fair for her to go through this too.
Leaving the paperwork untouched he left his office and locked the door behind him. He still didn't trust the employees of Wolfram and Hart. He made his way downstairs to reception.
Angel: Sam, I'm going out, forward any calls to my answer machine
When he got in his car (the blacked-out one) he sighed, before driving off. He hated driving in the sunlight, but he had to. He had to get to Buffy. He breathed in deeply. The thought of being around her again filled him with hope and sadness. Her silky hair, the scent of her skin…she was intoxicating…he let his memories claim him as he drove the familiar route to the school. He'd been here many times over the past week, under the shadow of night, when he could look up to the room he knew Buffy was in and wish that he was there with her. He was certain she knew he'd been there, they could still feel when the other was around.
When he arrived at the school Willow opened the door for him, beckoning him in. Angel shut the door behind him and turned to Willow, whose eyes were filled with sadness.
Angel: (quietly) Where is she?
Willow: She's downstairs, training
Faith: (walking in) Hey Angel. I guess you heard what happened huh? You here to see Buffy?
Angel: Yeah
Faith: I wouldn't advise it. She's pretty beat up. She doesn't wanna speak to anyone
Angel: I'll take my chances
He made his way down to the basement, where the training room was. He could hear Buffy before he got there. She was training hard. When he opened the door he saw a punch bag torn to pieces on one side of the room. Buffy was in the middle, attacking a second. She looked at him, surprised, when he walked in, then shook it off and turned back to the bag, attacking it even more viciously. He just shut the door and leant against the wall, staring at her. After about ten minutes like this she stopped and looked at him.
Buffy: I guess you came here expecting me to share my feelings and break down in your arms so you could comfort me. Sorry to disappoint
Angel didn't answer, just walked over to her and placed a hand on her arm. She didn't look at him, just stared straight ahead.
Angel: It's okay, Buffy
Buffy: Yeah. It is. (looking at him) I'm fine Angel. I am. I don't need you here to try and convince me I need help
Angel: That's not why I'm here
She shook him off and walked to the other side of the room, leaning against the wall
Buffy: (sarcastically) Of course it's not. You're just here in case I need you, right? Well I don't. I don't need you Angel. I'm fine the way I am. You think now this has happened we can relate to each other? You're wrong. I'm not a murderer Angel (pauses) Not like you
They looked at each other, Angel's eyes full of hurt. Buffy turned away and looked at the wall, pressing her hands against it, tears filling up her eyes
Angel: I'll leave you alone then
Buffy: (softly) Angel…
She turned around but he'd already left. She looked back at the wall, a tear falling down her cheek. Then her eyes screwed up in anger and she punched the wall with her right hand, harder and harder, again and again, until it went right through the wall. She sniffed loudly, holding her bloodied hand to her chest, then moved to the door and ran upstairs.
Chapter Two
Willow: Buffy! Where are you going?
She hurried out into the street and picked up her pace steadily until she was running. What had she done? How could she say those things to him? It was almost dark when she reached Wolfram and Hart and entered, ignoring the receptionist when he asked what she was doing. She went up to his office and knocked, softly at first, then louder when there was no answer.
Buffy: Angel? Angel, please, it's Buffy.
Spike: He's not in there
Buffy spun around and smiled gently at Spike. It was good to see him again. She wanted to talk to him. But it could wait, there were more important things.
Buffy: He isn't here?
Spike: He's in his apartment, bottom floor
Buffy: Thanks Spike. (she moved to leave then turned back to him) We'll talk soon, okay?
Spike: Sure
She nodded once then rushed back to the elevator, tapping her foot impatiently. When she finally got down to his apartment, in the basement, she hesitated. Should she knock? Would he want to see her after what she said? She had to find out. She knocked once, twice, three times. He knew it was her, she knew he had to. Just as she could feel him when he was near, he could feel her. She knocked again, harder this time. A muffled, incoherent voice came from within. She took it as her cue to enter. There he was, sitting at the table, staring straight ahead. He didn't bother to look around when she came in.
Buffy: (softly) Angel. Angel I'm so sorry. I didn't mean what I said
Angel: Yes. You did
She flinched at his words, even though he said them gently. He turned to look at her, his deep brown eyes boring into hers. She wanted to look away, but she didn't. He turned his gaze to her injured hand and he rose to look at it closer.
Angel: What happened?
Buffy: (lightly) Oh you know, punched a wall…about a half a dozen times
She smiled slightly but he didn't return it. He just led her over to the table, sat her down and went into the kitchen, returning a little while later with a bowl of water, a cloth and some bandages. Her heart lifted, then sank when he placed them down in front of her and walked away to stand at the other end of the room. Her face fell but she knew it was more than she deserved. She awkwardly began to clean her hand, wincing slightly.
Angel: You hurt me, you know?
Buffy: (quietly) I guess we always hurt the ones we love
Buffy felt him look around at her, surprised that she'd made that declaration so easily. So was she. She'd just admitted to him that she still loved him, just like that. He slowly walked back over to her and pulled a chair up closer to her, sitting down. He took her hand in his and gently wiped it with the cloth. Her heart began to pound at the touch of his skin on hers. He was gentle and tender, taking care not to hurt her. She looked up from their joint hands and met his gaze, but glanced away when it became too intense. Still he could cause her to melt with a look.
When he had bandaged her hand she rose and paced, constantly aware of his eyes staring at her.
Angel: What happened?
Buffy: I thought Willow told you
Angel: She only told me the basics
Buffy: (sighing) I was tired last night, but I had to go out and patrol. I promised Faith I'd take over from her because she wanted a romantic night in with Wood
Angel smiled wryly at Faith's idea of a romantic night with Wood
Buffy: (smiling) Yeah that was sort of my response too…anyway a few seniors and a couple of the juniors wanted to come with me. I said no, I wasn't in the mood to have them tagging along. But they begged me. I was too tired to argue so I agreed. It was pretty quiet and we were about to head back when about twelve vamps jumped us. I dusted a couple but…but the girls were struggling. So I started to help them. But…but I didn't notice that Mary-Lou was having more trouble than the others. She was a senior…I guess I just assumed she'd be ok. Three vamps grabbed her and dragged her off (she paused) I didn't…I didn't notice she had gone until I heard her scream…I pulled them off her and dusted them but…well I was too late and…and she…
She started to cry and Angel got up from his chair to stand by her, his hands resting on her arms.
Buffy: She looked at me…as she died…like she was so disappointed…(gulping) like…like she couldn't believe I'd let her down…
Buffy started sobbing and Angel wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close as her small body shook. She buried her head in his chest, wrapping her arms tighter around him, breathing in his musky scent.
Buffy: (muffle)The girls have died before. In the big fight, and the days leading up to it. But it was different this time. It was just patrol; they shouldn't die on patrol.She was only sixteen Angel…The other girls, they don't trust me now. I heard some of them asking to switch to Faith's patrol…they think it's my fault…it is my fault…
Angel: Ssh ssh, it's not your fault. You did the best you could
Buffy: But it wasn't good enough, was it? They trusted me…they trusted me with their lives and I just let her die…
Angel: (stroking her hair) You can't blame yourself Buffy. It wasn't your fault. When they signed up for this they knew there was a chance that they could die. It comes with the territory
Buffy: But that's just the thing. They didn't sign up for it, did they? We gave them no choice. They might have never been Slayers, but we made them
Angel: You had to. That scythe was made for a reason and you used it. And the girls didn't have to join the academy, they could have carried on as they were, ignored their calling. You told me that some did. But Mary-Lou didn't. She chose to join you.
Buffy: But sixteen Angel…
Angel: You were sixteen when you died, remember?
Buffy pulled away slightly to look up at him.
Angel: You can't blame yourself for this Buffy. These girls have more than you ever had. They have each other. They have other girls to share this with. You told me that most of those girls jumped at the chance to be part of the academy, probably because they felt like they didn't fit in where they were. And you were offering them a chance to be with other girls like them, you were telling them they were good at something and for the first time in their lives, they felt wanted. You haven't ruined their lives Buffy, you've made them
Buffy: (looks down) Sometimes I wonder…(looks back up at him) Did I do the right thing Angel?
Angel: (stroking her cheek and smiling) You always do
Their eyes locked and Angel's smile faded as they both recognised the desire they saw the others face. Buffy's body was trembling and Angel's hand on her back was like fire as he pressed her closer to him. She raised a hand to his neck and angled her face towards his. He slowly moved towards her and their lips grazed against each other. It was like electricity; Angel gasped from the force he felt and Buffy's grip on him tightened as she pulled him down towards her again but before their lips could meet for a second time the phone rang. They froze where they were, staring at each other before Angel finally came to his senses and untangled himself from her then answered the phone.
Angel: (croaking) Hello?
Willow: Angel? Is that you? It's Willow
Angel: Yeah. Yeah it's me, hi Willow
Willow: You ok? You sound…
Angel: I'm fine
Willow: I'm glad you're there, I tried your office phone but there was no answer, so then I had to try and find this number and –
Angel: Willow. What's this about?
Willow: Oh sorry, is Buffy there?
Angel: Yeah, she's right here.
Willow: (sighed with relief) Good. Can I speak to her?
Angel: Buffy, it's Willow.
Buffy moved over to the phone and her fingers brushed Angel's as she took it from him. She took a deep breath and spoke to Willow. Her brow furrowed as she listened to what she had to say. She glanced over at the clock. 6.00. Good, the sun would be down.
Buffy: Okay, Willow you and Kennedy take a couple of the seniors and sweep downtown. Ask Faith to take Main Street and the alleys with a few girls; tell Wood to take a few girls and search uptown, the classy places though I doubt she'll be there. Me and Angel will take the cemeteries. I've got my cell, call me if you find her, okay?
She hung up and Angel moved over to her
Angel: What was that about?
Buffy: One of the girls is missing, Beth. (pauses) She was Mary-Lou's best friend
Chapter Three
They roamed St. Christopher's Cemetery in silence, neither knowing what to say.
Angel: Buffy
Buffy: I know but can we just not now? Please?
Angel: Sure
After two hours they had searched all five cemeteries and not found Beth. And there was no word from any of the others either. Buffy was worried. Her and Angel were searching the streets now.
Buffy: Willow said the last time anyone saw her was around two. She could have left straight after then and be on a bus out of -
Angel: What is it?
Buffy: The bus depots! I didn't think to check them!
Angel: They're only a couple of blocks away, come on. We'll get there faster than anyone else
Buffy searched frantically around the bus depot and just as she was giving up she spotted her. Beth was sitting alone, a duffel bag clutched in her hands, her face pale. The sight brought back memories of when she left Sunnydale…
Buffy: (softly) Beth
Beth looked up, shocked and Angel held back, knowing that Buffy had to do this alone. He watched her as she sat down next to Beth and started talking.
Buffy: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't save Mary-Lou. I wish I could have
Beth: (tearfully) it's not your fault. It's mine
Buffy: What do you mean?
Beth: I managed to dust the vampire that attacked me and I saw Mary-Lou being dragged off…I could have ran after them, I could have stopped them! But I was so scared. There were three of them and I knew I wouldn't be able to stop them all. But I could have distracted them, I could have shouted you! She was my best friend and I didn't even help her… (crying) I have to leave. I can't stay. I'm not cut out for this…
Buffy: Hey. You are, okay? Look you were scared, everyone gets scared, I get scared too. If you'd have gone after those vampires then they could have over-powered you too, then you might have wound up getting killed
Beth: Or Mary-Lou might still be alive
Buffy: Perhaps. But can't be sure of that. We can't be sure of anything, that's the problem. We don't know what would have happened, anything could have. And I'm just glad that you're okay.
She wrapped her arms around Beth and pulled her into a hug, rocking her softly.
Beth: I'm such a coward
Buffy: No you're not, don't ever think that. How could you be a coward? I've watched you dust vamps. A coward would run
Beth: I always wanted to run
Buffy: But you never did. And that's the difference. The first time I saw a vampire I screamed! When I moved to Sunnydale I even tried to give up slaying. Giles was supposed to be my Watcher but I told him I was through with slaying. I just wanted to be a normal girl. But I couldn't do it. I knew my duty, just like you know yours. You might want to run when you see a vampire, but you don't, because you know you have to fight it. Running away won't change that. But here you can have friends, and a family. It's not easy. There're times when you just want to shut the world out. But you're not alone
Buffy pulled away and wiped the tears from Beth's face
Buffy: So how about it? Shall we go back? (smiles) I will if you will
Beth: (nodding) Okay
They stood up together and Buffy wrapped her arm around Beth's shoulder. They walked over to Angel.
Angel: Hey, it's Beth right?
Beth: Yeah. It's Angel, right?
Angel: (smiling) Right