9am
Arizona opened the door to her old house she shared with Callie letting her daughter in and pocketing the spare key.
"Mommy I'm home!" Sofia yelled running off to find Callie.
"In the kitchen munchkin!" Replied Callie.
Arizona followed Sofia to the kitchen where Callie had made fresh coffee and pancakes.
"Morning! How was your night?" Callie asked with a wide grin.
"Um yeh it was fun we watched lots of Disney movies! How about you? Good date?" Replied Arizona, knowing just how much fun Callie had, she had the afterglow of a night of naughtiness and Arizona had to bite her tongue.
"Great, really great, we went to dinner and I ummm..."
"It's ok Callie, I know what happened, I've seen that look before" said Arizona in monotone voice "anyway i think I'll be off now, Sof I'll see you thursday, love you!"
"Don't you want to stay for breakfast?" Asks Callie a touch disappointed.
"I'll pass thanks, somewhere I've got to be today!" I reply
"Bye mama have a nice day & pick the yellow flowers!" Responded Sofia, the comment making Callie raise an eyebrow...
"Can you take Sof this time next week? Penny wants to take me away for a spa night" Asked Callie as I made my way out the door.
"Sorry you know I can't do Tuesday's"
"I am curious what you do every Tuesday..." Enquired Callie.
"You'll have to stay curious" I reply bluntly heading to the car not looking back.
...
10.30am
"So Arizona, how has the past week been?" asks Dr Alexander.
"Positive until this morning" I reply, looking at my therapist who nods her head.
"Do you want to talk about it with me or save it for later?" she asks.
"It's just...I...couldn't wait to get away today...I think..." starting to get a bit upset I take a moment before I can try again "...I know she's been out before with other people but this time it's more than going on dates...I dropped Sofia off this morning and I could tell she and Penny had gone to the next step last night, Callie is stupidly happy the morning after sex and she couldn't stop grinning...it was like a punch to the stomach!" I say truthfully.
"How did it make you feel?"
"It hurt, a lot, made me feel sad it's not me and jealous but I had to put that fake grin on. I couldn't stay for breakfast it was too hard to breathe".
"So you're still getting anxiety a little?" ask Dr Alexander
"Yes but I'm managing it, I just have to leave when I feel it coming on or I'll break, she asked me to take Sof next Tuesday but I told her I can't do Tuesday's, she's getting curious about my Tuesday's" I respond with a strained grin.
"Do you think you'll ever tell her about your Tuesday's?"
"Maybe...eventually I will, when I think the time is right."
"So the usual plan today then?" She pushes
"Yes as always! Its the only constant thing for me, who would have thought?!" I reply sarcastically.
"Do you think it's all helping?"
"I don't think, I know it is. In the past couple of months my anger has faded completely...a lot of that coming after Karev said it was him and not Callie that actually cut my leg off! I no longer feel anger towards Callie for the leg..." taking a deep breath I continue "...also I think I finally figured out why I cheated in the first place" I ponder.
"Well that's a great achievement just knowing it yourself, if you want to share you can" pushes Dr Alexander.
"I believe that back then, in my eyes and under the impression Callie cut the leg off, she had broken a big promise to me - the promise of not taking the leg. When I lifted the bed sheet for the first time seeing a stump, I lost it - my mental and physical well being, I was so disappointed and so furious that she broke that promise to me. The anger took over my blood stream and I'd never forget what it felt like. After months of rehab and getting used to my new life without a limb, I was still so pissed off with everything, me and Callie were still walking on eggshells as they say. Then Lauren came into the picture. In my screwed up, post-traumatic stressed out brain and body, it was the first opportunity I could get revenge - Callie broke a promise to me and now I could even the score by breaking a promise to her...so I did." I spoke truthfully, only coming to this realisation myself recently.
"Arizona, the fact that you not only figured this out, but that you have also told me about it has shown me just how far you've come in the past few years, this is a big moment for you! How do you feel?" asked my therapist.
"Relieved actually, like all the anger I held onto for so long just lifted, but worse than the anger, all I've felt since is guilt. Now knowing that Callie didn't break my promise herself, I feel guilty as hell for cheating on her, she actually hadn't done anything wrong but now I had...and Callie had found out the same day" just thinking back to this night made my tears start falling. After a few minutes I take a wavering breath "When Callie ended us after the 30 days, I couldn't think straight let alone speak or try to stop her leaving your room. She told me she was finally free...and because I was feeling guilty now for everything I had put her through, it was now the chance to make it up to her if I could - by letting her go to be free. It killed me more watching her walk away that moment than it did being in that damn plane crash! A part of me will forever feel guilty about it and I have no idea where to go from here...I want to make it up to her but now perfect pretty Penny is in her life & I can't do anything!" still speaking openly.
"Arizona I'm so happy you came back to see me that night, I'm glad you didn't bail on the therapy sessions and from what you've said today, your progression has given me job satisfaction...this is why I enjoy being a therapist - the moment a realisation is the missing piece to a puzzle!" Dr Alexander smiles at me.
"Well I'd love to say you've helped along the way but I've done all the talking!" I joke to her and my therapist laughs along.
"Arizona my door is always open for you, I think we should maybe give you another month of weekly visits then reduced it to once per month, what do you think?" She enquired.
"I think that sounds awesome! I still want to be able to arrange appointments after this as well just to keep me from bailing, the talking helps! Is that it for today?" I ask.
"Yes we're done for today! See you next Tuesday where we can address the guilt"
"Bye Dr Alexander and thank you" I reply, waving on the way out.
1pm
After picking up some yellow flowers as requested by my daughter & a large coffee I make my way along the cobble path and up to my destination.
"Hey Mark" I greet the headstone, placing the flowers next to it "Sofia choose yellow flowers today for you, they're beautiful!"
Sitting down next to Mark's headstone I peacefully enjoy my coffee.
"Sofia is doing brilliant in school, her drawings and writing are improving...I think I want her to be an artist...there's already enough doctors around this family, we need a change! You'd be so proud of her Sloan, I'm sorry your missing her, we all miss you every day...even though I say it every week...I even miss your rude sex comments! Unfortunately if you were here, you'd see there's no reason for the jokes now...I'm pretty sure I've lost our girl...I'm not sure if she'll come back this time. She's with perfect Penny after all! It sucks. I still want and need her on a daily basis. I can't be a good man in a storm when there's no end game, no prize, nothing."
I smile sadly over at Mark then look up at the clouds, closing my eyes, waiting for a sign or something for my next move in life. I look over to my other side "Hey Lexie, I miss you too! I really hope in the afterlife you and Mark are on kid number 3 by now!"
In my head I can hear Mark saying if you love someone, say it loud and take it...absolutely! I need to be a Battleship again, honour my name and true self and fight the enemy for the one true love of my life, my existence. I need Calliope Iphigenia Torress. All of her. Not just Sof's other mommy part, every part of her I used to have.
"Thanks Mark, you always make sense in the end! See you both the same time next week!" I get up after an hour at the cemetery.
After another draining but positive Tuesday, I make my way home with a smile on my face, happy with my personal growth and more discovery and with a new focus in life - get my beautiful family back together even if it takes time, trust the journey.
...
"Sofia..."
" No Mami!"
"Sofia Robbin-Sloan Torres...I'm going to tickle you until you give me a name!'
"No no no Mami I can't, I pinky promised with Mama!"
"Are the yellow flowers for a new lady in Mama's life?"
"No it's a man"
"A man?! What man?!"
"My man!" Since when did my 5 year old daughter have a man...and Arizona for that matter, jealousy creeping up Callie's spine, obviously not knowing who this man is.
"Who has a man when they're 5?!" I push my daughter.
"Mama says I have a man for life!" My little mini-me responds and I have no words so I raise the eyebrow that pushes everyone to do what I want.
"Ok Mami I'll only tell you because you can start helping Mama"
"Help her with what Sof?"
"You can pick the colour of the flowers for Daddy & Aunty Lexie next week instead of me!" Sofia smiles at me and her answer just floored me! I stare at her incredulously...
"How often do you pick colours Sof?" I need to know more and I feel slightly guilty about interrogating my daughter.
"Every Tuesday morning so Mommy can get them at the hospital after visiting her help doctor!" A what?!
"What's a help doctor baby?"
"A doctor that helps mommy with her thoughts and her feels I think" my daughter is so innocent but has just unleashed a waterfall of tears in me...Arizona can't ever do Tuesday's, now I know why.