Consummatum Est:
I walk into my room. Blue and silver. Cold colors… unfeeling colors… perfect colors for the Ice Queen. I stroll over to my phone. For some reason I don't want to be alone right now. Someone clears his throat. Slowly, I turn around. "Jesus." He's just sitting there, as if it's not out of place at all for him to be in my room, waiting for me to get home. "Little melodramatic don't you think?" "I have a flair for drama." Idiot. "I thought you'd like to know what happened between Annette and I." He takes off his glasses and I instantly know why he was wearing them in the first place. He's been crying. "It's over." I can't help but think at his words that maybe things could finally return to normal. I look at him again. Those once unfeeling eyes are now shining with tears. No, too much has happened.
Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong
He looks at me as if he's expecting me to run into his arms or something. What the hell does he think? That just because he ended things with that little hick I'll forgive him and act like nothing's happened? I can't forgive him, because doing that would just be setting myself up for him to do it all over again. I can't show him I care. "Really?" "You were right. I can't change. You and I are two of a kind." I stare at him, unable to stop the little bubble of hope that sprang up inside of me at his words. No, no he's lying. All I have to do is look into his eyes and realize it. Sometimes I wish I couldn't read him so well. He holds up a bottle of champagne. Why the fuck did he bring champagne? "I thought we should celebrate." Ah. I glance at his eyes. Trying desperately to read them without being drawn into their tangled web, which would only serve to make myself unable to stop from staying with him. "I'd love to, but unfortunately I'm expecting company."
Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
"Who, Ronald?" Nosy little bastard. "Not that it's any of your business… but yes." What the hell is that? He's holding a letter like it should mean something to me or have any significance at all in our present conversation. "From Ronald," He practically sings, smirking at me. He's laughing at me. Fucking prick. "I haven't had a chance to read it yet… but I'm sure it goes something like: 'Yada yada yada you mean a lot to me. Hope we can still be friends. Etcetera, etcetera.' You see I expected your sort of bullshit, so I took the liberty of arranging a little get together between Ronald and Cecile." I cannot believe him, after all we've been through he still does something like this.
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
"You were right. You do get dumped for the innocent little twits." He'll never get it. None of those other guys mattered to me… not Court or Ronald or anyone else over the years. All they managed to do was wound my pride a little. He would never understand that it was his ultimate betrayal that left a searing hot mark across my heart that burned until there was nothing left. "Well done." "Thank you," he replies with an air of superiority that makes me want to slap that arrogant smile right off his handsome face.
I told you everything, opened up and let you in
You made me feel all right, for once in my life
Now all that's left of me is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
"Now where were we? The celebration." He pours us both a glass and hands one to me as if he actually expects me to drink it. "What shall we toast to?" I look at his tear stained cheeks. It's the moment of truth. I could do something right now that would forever sever our straining bond. "To my triumph." I reply, and I know there's no going back. "It's not my choice of toasts, but it's your call. To your triumph over Annette." He downs his champagne. It's now or never. I laugh at him with all the cruelty I can muster. "What's so funny?" He looks so confused, so lost; nowhere near the man I trusted and schemed with. I can sense my resolve strengthening. "Silly rabbit. My triumph isn't over her." His confused look only serves to convince me more that this needs to be done. He's no longer the Sebastian I knew. He's become weak and if I don't stop him he'll make me weak as well.
Cause I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
"It's over you." I can almost feel it snap. His eyes hold a question, but it's not the one I was expecting. It's as if he knows what I meant but doesn't know why I said it. Will he never understand? I only do what I have to do. "Come again?" God he's actually asking me to explain myself. I don't have to explain myself; he's the one who started it all. It's his fault this is happening. "You were very much in love with her. You're still in love with her. But it amused me to make you ashamed of it." It has to happen. I have to end it or it'll destroy us both.
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
"You gave up the first person you ever loved because I threatened your reputation." I realize the hypocrisy in my words. I can't stop though. I have to finish what I started. It has to end. "Don't you get it?" His eyes have gone from questioning to pleading. Pleading me to stop. He's already lost Annette and now he's begging me not to do something that will make him lose me too. It's too late, I want to tell him. It's over. You chose her over me and in the process lost us both. "You're just a toy, Sebastian." He doesn't even realize how much it pains me to say this. He could always read me like a book but now he can't see through my lies because he's too caught up in his own pain. "A little toy I like to play with." He doesn't even hear my voice crack… he's too far gone.
Swallow me, then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you, it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside anymore
Anymore
"And now you've completely blown it with her. I think it's the saddest thing I've ever heard." I raise my glass in mock salute. "Cheers." I take a sip but instead of the sweet taste of champagne a cold, thick liquid poured down my throat. "Tastes good." I lie. "So I assume you've come to make arrangements." I look at him, wishing I could just give into him and fuck him and have things return to normal… but that can't happen. "But unfortunately, I don't fuck losers." He stares at me a long moment as if giving me one last chance to laugh and say it was all a joke, and as much as I want to I know it can never happen. He walks out of the room. "Goodbye Sebastian." I whisper to my room, now cold without him in it. A single tear falls down my cheek.
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes