A/N: Can anyone guess I've been considering getting a tattoo here recently? As usual, I'd be so grateful for anyone who wanted to leave a review. Hope you enjoy!
I feel stuck. I feel stagnant. I feel as if someone's put me in a ditch and no matter how hard I try, there's no way I can pull myself out. I feel like I'll never make a difference. I've always felt like I was meant for so much more… something. More success. More contentment, maybe. Or more anything, just somewhere else. I just have always had this… yearning for something that's just out of my reach, and it's almost catastrophic.
I felt it as a kid. I wanted a 'normal' life, I wanted safety, I wanted to be a lawyer, I wanted love. Later on, it was as simple as wanting to get better at running after I'd peaked, or it was as complex as wanting to save someone on a hunt, or my brother, or saving the world. I haven't completed anything. I haven't gotten to the finish line. I've peaked too early, before I had accomplished what I'd wanted to, or I don't think I'll ever peak. All of it drives me insane.
So, when I was in college, I started a system. Every time I had to accept that I couldn't do something, or that I at least had to put it aside, I got a new tattoo.
When I gave up on having a normal life with Dean and dad, I got a tattoo. It was the moon in geometric patterns, with stippling all inside. All the ink was black, mostly because I couldn't afford to think about adding multiple colors.
When Jess died, I got a tattoo. It was a lion, also in more geometric shapes, because she was a Leo. It was all different shades of blue, which was her favorite color.
When I gave up on going back to college, I got another tattoo. It was a blocky form of the letter 'W', because that time I chose family.
When I gave into the demon blood, I got a tattoo curving around my hip that said "Humanity is an ocean". It's a Ghandi quote. The rest of the quote goes "You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean: if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty." Just because I was dirty didn't make Dean, or anyone else in my life unclean.
I have another Ghandi quote I got after hitting that peak in running. My tattoo just says "Strength does not come from physical capacity." I finished the quote when I was dealing with returning from Hell. Now the rest says, "It comes from indomitable will."
By the time I had gotten into the habit of getting tattoos, there have been times when I've gotten some to remind myself that I can make a difference. Normally, those have been about my brother.
Today, I'm getting another one. It's the same shape as the scar my brother's got on his arm now. If he has to carry the Mark, so will I. But I'm going to fix it. I'm going to fix him, whether he's ready for it or not, and I mean it enough to ink my skin.
I've come close to covering myself with them by now. I always kept the tattoos themselves smaller, thinking I probably would have many more to come. It was a serious comfort, though, being able to physically see that a difference was being made. I was seeing with my naked eyes something that hadn't been there before, and now it was permanent. I had changed something.
It seems ridiculous, I know. But it's comforting, and that's something I come up on pretty rarely. Plus, I think it makes me look kinda badass.