HIIII! Here's a new story that I've decided to write, it's similar to a few other A&A stories that I've written. Recently, I've been diagnosed with anxiety, and I think awareness about mental health needs to be raised and we need to get rid of the stigma surrounding it. This story is written to try and raise the awareness, and that people should not be afraid to say that they suffer. It happens to 25% of us, many people haven't been able to get the help and support they need due to the stigma. It's also mental health awareness week this week, and here's a small challenge - everyone sends a text message to a friend or family member that they haven't spoken to in a while, and just ask them how they are doing. It really makes a difference.
I've written a story very similar to this before, it's called The Diary of Austin Monica Moon, which I started writing when I was younger, but I've become a better writer, so this had the same concept, but it's a different story. If you like angst and depressed Austin, then you'll like this ❤.
Hello. My name is Austin. Austin Monica Moon. I'm writing this because I don't know what to do. Recently things have been hard and I can't cope. Let me explain.
My dad was always tough on me and would tell me off for the smallest of things, like not making my bed exactly how he liked it, for getting an A and not an A+, little, petty things like that. But he's changed. He's become...abusive. Every time something doesn't go his way, I get the blame. He punished me by hitting me. But that's just one side of what's going on. There's more. Much, much more. I call it 'the downside of being famous'.
Okay, so I'm now 17 and I'll turn 18 on August 1. I've been famous for nearly four years now, since I was 14 and the double take video was released. At first, it was good. Everyone loves you, they know all of your songs, it was an amazing feeling. But then I got more famous, and more hate. More people chatting shit, bullying online, giving me hate. It's like they're watching your every move. It got so much worse after I was dropped. They said that I was a failure, that I let everyone down.
But nobody understands how painful this is. They think that just because I look like I'm having a good life I am. That because I have money I have it all. But I don't - I couldn't believe far from it. I was diagnosed with anxiety when I was 15, around a year after I got famous. I'd get panic attacks, chest pain, joint pain and I'd always over think everything. That was bad enough - so many people just think that anxiety is something that everyone gets. But there's a big difference between feeling anxious when you're stressed and actually having anxiety.
I began to go insane. I was down all the time, suffered from low mood and actually stopped enjoying performing so I cancelled a few gigs and guess what. I got hate for it. So many people don't understand how debilitating anxiety can be. After that, the low mood became depression, and I can't cope anymore. Sometimes I feel like the world would be a better place without me.
"Austin!" My mum called. I drag myself out of bed and look at the time. 4 40am. I have an early start as Jimmy wanted me in the studio at 5 30 to start recording. It is incredibly early, and my lack of sleep is made worse by the fact that I haven't slept properly for so long. For me, six hours of sleep is the equivalent of nine or ten hours for the average person. I've not been sleeping well because of my anxiety, it keeps me up at night when I'm worrying. I probably fell asleep at 3 ish; I have gotten an hour and a half of sleep.
I go downstairs and make myself a coffee. My mum came down to make me breakfast, but I ask her to go back to will find out that she woke up and he will kill me. Because I 'make people do my shit for me'. Well if I have to get up before five every morning (or night basically) I'm going to have so much sleep that it's safe for me to drive to the studio. Note the sarcasm. I put you coffee in a travel mug and set off.
It's a fifteen minutes drive to the studio, partly because the main road that goes there is closed, so I have to take the long way there. I get there at 5 24, pull over and go inside, meet with Jimmy and play him my new song. We then record it, make a few adjustments (basically change the whole song as it's 'not going to connect with my target audience') then I leave. But I don't go home, no - I'm sure I've told you via my diary (it's not just a girls thing okay) that my life has been very tough recently. I have school, but luckily it's Wednesday so I have a free fourth and fifth period so I can leave early. Just have to force myself to stay awake until 12.
I get into school at 7 45. I find a parking space fairly close to the entrance. At least somethings gone right for me today. I grab my backpack, lock my car and begin walking into school. I spot Ally, she smiles at me but it disappears when she sees me.
"Austin, are you okay? Your eyes are all red and you have eye bags and..."
"I just had an early start, but I'm fine." I lie. Generally I'm a bad liar. But I guess I've told so many people that 'I'm fine' that I've just gotten better at it. We both have maths first. Ally is in a higher set than me (A/N I'm British so I don't know what the different ability groups are in the US, here we have sets.) Her classroom is across mine. As I walked into the classroom, I instantly realise that I've forgotten my homework, but luckily I have the nicer one of my two teachers. She's called Miss Smith.
"Right who's not got their homework?" I raise my hand. She walks up to me and kneels down. "Speak to me at the end, you don't look well." Apart from being my maths teacher, she's kind of like my guidance councillor and helps me deal with stress - she did a combined maths and psychology degree. We're doing trig. Yay. I kind of drift off, I think she notices but pretends that she doesn't. I do like this teacher. She gets me. At the end of the class I go up to see her.
"I'm worried about you Austin. You look like you've not slept in days, how are you?"
"I'm fine, just been busy with recording and school and dance rehearsals and stuff." I reply. Emotionless. I've mastered it.
"Let me know if it gets too much. It's gonna affect your mental health." She's the only person, besides my mum and my close friends, who knows about my mental health. It's nice being able to confide in her, she let's me off for not doing homework or being late as she knows how much I've got going on. I'm fighting a battle with my head every day. If that's not your definition of a lot going on then I don't know what is.
My second and last lesson of the day is music - my Spanish lesson was cancelled, which is good for me as I can go home an hour and a half early. Ally is in my music lesson, it's the only lesson we have together as it's the only one that I'm good at. I go in and take a seat. I'm feeling faint, but it's because I'm extremely tired. Then it happens. I begin worrying about everything - finals, my career, my abusive dad (who by the way, nobody knows about). My breathing rate increases, so I begin to take deep breaths to calm myself down. Ally notices.
"Austin?" I hear. I then collapse into her arms for a few seconds, before regaining consciousness.
"Have some water." My teacher passes me a bottle of water
"I think you should go home." Ally tells me, cupping my face. I nod and get up, almost falling before regaining balance. I walk to my car, get in and drive home. As soon as I'm home, I hear my mum running over to me.
"Honey, you're home early, are you okay?" I nod.
"Just exhausted." My mum hugs me.
"Get some sleep yeah. Remember to take your pills." The doctor gave me some sleeping pills which I take when I can't sleep. They don't usually work, so yesterday I asked for a stronger pill. I take them and fall asleep almost instantly, for the first time in so long, I sleep peacefully.
That's the first chapter done. Austin just seems really down and stressed at the moment, but he's going to get MUCH WORSE. I have AS exams from next week, but I write to help revise for my English Language exam which has a kind of creating writing element to it (well that's what I tell myself so I don't feel bad 😂😂😂). Anyways please review and I'll try and update tomorrow or maybe the day after. Thanks so much for reading, I really appreciate it xxxxx