K guys so this is my first time writing a fanfic, so umm..yeah…please read, and give me feedback on how I can improve .? Hope you enjoy it.!(:
after seeing the finale I felt like there was no closure, we couldn't see anyone's reactions or anything so I just want the closure. and I'm sorry if the speech is different, I'm American and the slang and everthing is different, but I tried sticking to their way…tried.
*none of the characters belong to me, they are all from the wonderful show skins. I've taken the scenes from a few episodes [and extended them] so as to what was going on with her while everyone was away, and to see what was going through her head as everything was happening.

*spoiler alert.* contains scenes from season 4 episodes

Chapter 1

"i'll never forget you." Were the last words I said to Doctor John Foster before our final goodbye, and I know, even now, that that's true. As much as I wish it otherwise, I will never, for as long as I live, forget this man, this "doctor" because he is the man, the monster, that killed the only boy that could ever make things right, the person that was there for me when no one else was, the only boy, save my brother, that I have ever loved. He killed Freddy McClair.

A few weeks after I was released, I got tired of just being at home, hearing those voices, no, hearing HIS voice, Freddy's, so I walked out unsure of where I was going. I knew where I wanted to go, or should I say, who I wanted to see, but he was gone, he ran away, left everyone behind, left me behind, no explanation, nothing. I couldn't help but think that maybe…it was my fault, maybe I was too much too handle, maybe I scared him away. I kept walking though, paying no attention to where I was going, focusing instead on what was on my mind and soon I found myself standing at the door of Freddy's shed. It took all the strength I had to lift up my hand and turn the doorknob, but once the door was opened it was easy for me to just step in and walk around it, not one thing was out of place, everything looked so normal, so usual, so… haunting. Every time I would turn my head I expected him to be standing there, waiting for me, giving me that Freddy look that means so many things all at once, and every time, my heart shattered a little bit more. I looked over at the picture hanging off the wall, Freddy Cook and JJ all three looking so happy as if nothing could ever go wrong in the world. I never told them, any of them, that I love that picture. It's my favorite picture of them, it's the most meaningful to me. Anyway, as I was looking at the picture, the door opened. I was expecting, no, hoping, to see Freddy standing in the doorway, instead, to my disappointment, I saw Cook. Not that I don't like Cook, I mean he's a good friend, a great friend actually, but like I said, I was hoping for Freddy and Cook is definitely not him, but I could tell he was thinking the same thing. He had seen a person and in that millisecond before he could fully register who was standing in front of that picture, he had that glint of hope in his eyes, that he had come back, but instead he saw me.

"fuck everything up again.?" I asked as he closed the door.

"yeah."

"it's his birthday today." and he's celebrating it in god knows where… without me.

"yeah." He walked over to get a shirt, one of Freddy's shirts. "do you think he'd mind.?"
he wouldn't, I thought, but I do.

I shook my head. "Freds probably got scared." I couldn't hold these thoughts in any longer. "I'm pretty scary."

"yup."

"I can't not know. If he couldn't bear it, I can handle it…I think I can handle it…" I hope I can handle it.

He reached into his pocket then…he pulled out a red journal, one I had seen many times on Freddy's desk, and handed it to me. I wasn't in the mood to read, but maybe he explained why he left or maybe that he'd be back for me. He didn't, instead, what he wrote in that journal was "I love her." over and over again, page after page, just "I love her." i wanted to curl up and cry my eyes out, but I didn't. I had to be strong because Effy Stonem doesn't cry, and Effy Stonem's heart doesn't break.

I love you too Freds, so, so much.

"we'll go and find him, alright.?"

The door opened again, and again we both filled ourselves with the false hope that it'd be Freddy, and again, it wasn't. It was JJ this time.

"oh, my powers of deductive reasoning are un-parallel." He spoke to Cook. "They're actually hunting you down with dogs, impressive. Anyway, we weren't sure if the coast was clear-"

-Cook cut him off- "well, what do you mean 'we'.?"

..maybe he was with freddy…

"yeah, and it's a bit chilly hiding out there in the garden." He walked over to the door a whispered out "the sea-eagles are roasting.!"
..Pandora walked in. …i guess not…

"hello eff." –I smiled- "I've been trying to tell you something,"

"spit it out panda-pops."

" I'm going away."

first freddy, now her too.. "really.? Fine, where.?"

"Harvard, on a history scholarship… I might've done some exams without telling anyone…"

We were all speechless, I guess she's not as useless as she says she is…

"Guys, lets have a party, a birthday party, for Freddy, he would've liked that." Cook suggested pulling out a spliff from his pocket. Panda took out some beers while Iturned on some music. Cook tried to pull me up to dance with him, but I stayed in the chair holding Freddy's notebook, desperately wishing he was there.

"what the fuck are you doing.!" Karen had walked in without our noticing.

JJ simply turned and said "We're throwing a party. Fred would like it, don't you think."

"Yeah. Yeah, I guess he would."
I texted the group, half hoping they'd come, half hoping they wouldn't, it was freds' shed not a hangout for us, but he wouldn't mind. Once everyone got there, and after Naomi and Emily made up, we all got up danced, drank, and tried to enjoy ourselves, for Freddy. A while later, Cook went out to pee, but he didn't come back for hours.

After a while, everyone eventually left, making excuses, all claiming that they had places to be the next day, I don't blame them, were not used to nine people parties, eventually we all got bored… so it was just me in the shed, drinking vodka, with the journal opened, reading that one sentence written over and over again. When Cook finally came back, he was scared, shaking, and covered in blood. He took one look at me and dropped to his knees crying.

"Cook what happened.! Where've you been.!"

"effy,"-sob-" Eff, I found him."-sob- " I found Freddy."
if he found him, then why is he crying.? Is he hurt.? Oh god no, please let him be ok…please, please PLEASE make him be ok.!

"he's- he's dead Effy."-more cries- "you're psychiatrist guy killed him. He was gonna kill me too…I-I didn't know what to do, he killed freddy. He was gonna kill me. …I think I killed him eff, I think I killed a man."

No, no, no, no, no ,it's not true. it can't be true, he can't be dead, he just can't be dead.!

"you're lying cook. Why are you lying. Stop lying to me.! He's alive, he has to be…. He's outside, isn't he. this is just a dirty sick joke, and he's outside and he's perfectly fine, isn't he.?"

"Eff please, listen to me, I went in there an there were these, these boxes. And they were full of his stuff. His clothes, his shoes, and they were covered in blood. They guy killed him eff, he killed him cuz he loved you."

I couldn't listen to anymore of his lies. Freddy was alive and fine and probably waiting outside the shed for Cook to signal him in. I ran past Cook out of the shed, to the garden, clutching tightly the journal in my hand, and yelled desperately into the night.

"Freds.! Freddy.! You can come out now.! I know it's a joke and it's not funny anymore, it never was.! Please Freddy come out…please.! …I won't be mad…just.. come out.! please...i love you Freds.! don't-don't do this to me Freddy, I'm begging you… don't do this to me.! …you said we were forever… you promised you wouldn't leave me.!" He wasn't coming out…why wasn't he coming out.! I let myself fall to the floor, curled up around the journal, and as the tears started streaming out I whispered one last thing before passing out. "Freddy.? … Freds.? Please don't leave me here alone… I need you… I fuckin' love you… please don't be dead, please don't leave me here to fight the demons on my own…I love you, I fuckin' love you Freddy McClair."