The News From Lake Street
By Bald Eagle


This is a fanfic from the radio show "A Prairie Home Companion" by Garrison Keillor, and by Minnesota Public radio. The last line of this News is taken from the segment "The News From Lake Wobegon," and my idea from this fanfic is from that segment.



News 10/5

 It's been a quiet week out on Lake Street, out on the edge of the 'burg. The weather here has been unusually warm this week, as opposed to the cold snap we had during last week. It appears that God can't make up his mind. It's October now and He still hasn't decided to keep summer around, or go rolling into winter. It's like He has a switch and flicks around between 40º and 85º. This creates confusion on the street. No one uses calendars here, so people are becoming confused! The reason no one uses calendars is that nobody believes in them....I don't know why. What do I know? I just live here.
This weekend is the annual Lake Street Fall Festival, where everyone on the street comes out and celebrates the arrival of Fall. It takes up a whole day and they have games, and pumpkin pies, and jumping into piles of leaves...all the usual Fall fare. A big event at this festival is the bake-off where all the women on the street bake a pie of any type, be it pumpkin, apple, Bebop-a-rebop rhubarb, anything. When it was time for the unveiling, someone tastes the pies, and you can tell by the look on his face whether it's noteworthy. If it's sour, he puckers his lips so much, it looks like his face will turn inside out, and the spectators laugh hysterically. It's just so amusing to watch. This event has become so popular, and so strict rules are set up. Usually the winner of this prized event is Mrs. Krebs.
Mrs. Krebs lives in the first house on the street. She is one of those women who never give up on anything. This pie event is her only passion in life. She actually practices for the event! I mean, come on! When she's bored, "Oh, I think I'm going to make a pie now." She takes great pride in this. Her oldest daughter Jane, 17 years old, scoffs at her mother for doing this. Jane lives in the modern times and thinks baking is old-fashioned. To her a home cooked meal consists of a Big Mac, fries and a coke. Last year when the festival came around, she went out, not to enjoy the festival, but went for a walk on a trail on Torne Mountain, alone, listening to her CD player, listening to her current favorite group, R&P, Rape and Pillage. She went walking, and began to think about why she didn't like the festival. She thought it was a place where people go to get drunk, and that the whole idea was foolish, ridiculous, absurd. She began to think of her school, which was my school as well, thinking about the upcoming Spirit Week and the homecoming dance, and who she was planning on going with.
The high school's Spirit Week is a time when civilization ends and anarchy runs rampant through the halls. During the week, a pep rally occurs where all the sophomores, juniors, and seniors dig at the freshman. A game played during the rally is the scream off where each class screams and whoever screams the loudest wins. That is annoying. On Friday, at night, a big bonfire is torched off at a baseball field, where pyromaniac instincts run wild. On Saturday is the big homecoming dance. This is what Jane thinks about every year before the festival. Today she was out thinking this, and it was nearing dark before she arrived home, thoughts of school and R&P in her head. Her mother had told her about how she was ready for tomorrow's festivities. Jane went upstairs to her room, and feeling tired, changed, crawled into her bed, turned out her bedside light, and closed her eyes. She sighed.
"Tomorrow," she said, sighing again. She drifted off into a deep sleep.

That's the news from Lake Street, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.


More to come next week.......