a/n
Alright, kids. Here's my catharsis: something totally stupid and atypical of my writing style that I can just laugh at and have fun with. A disclaimer: a totally stupid plot, abundant cursing, and l33t-speak ensue. No offense is intended towards any demographics, although this is so totally silly I doubt anyone would take it seriously. :p.
Oh yeah: this is an 'update' of an old fic I wrote several years ago on an old account. Search for the penname 'Aero19' if you're morbidly curious.
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The silhouette of a tall, sturdy man appears onstage, walking forwards through a wavering waft of smoke. This is all very dramatic, but the figure trips over a cord and the fog machine splutters out.
?: Shit…
The figure kicks the machine violently, then quickly shoves the cord back in. The fog returns.
?: You've already joined Jill, Chris, Claire, Leon, Rebecca, Bruce, Ada, and perhaps even Barry in that godawful Gaiden game, as they struggled to survive against the hordes of undead. But have you ever wondered…WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF SOMEBODY CRAMMED THEM ALL INTO ONE MORONIC LITTLE GAME?
An evil laugh sounds from nowhere in particular.
?: Well…yeah. Didn't think so. Whatever. You know, even big-time zombie game stars like me have to build up a pension somehow. It's going well so far, though. Hello retirement in 2020! Man, I've been in so many fics that I could pay the entire cast of Friends to strip for me. My name is…
The spotlight behind the figure flickers off, but one illuminates him from the front, revealing…
Billy: Billy Coen! LOLZ! You thought I was Wesker! HAHAHA n00bs! HAHAHAHA!
Spotlight: Shut up.
Billy: o_O Did that light thinger just speak?
Spotlight: NO.
Billy: Huh. Well, WTF do I care? My IQ is so low, it…um…it sucks! Let's start Act I!
A magical floating sign wafts onstage, with the words 'Act I: HEY LOOK IT'S A SLIMY THINGER!' written on it.
Billy: Heeheehee! I'm in this one!
The stage darkens a little, and young S.T.A.R.S. member Rebecca Chamber swalks out.
Rebecca: Bunnies, bunnies…
Billy: HAHA! Becky's retarded! HAHAHA!
Quickly, Albert Wesker runs onstage, and shoots Billy with a silenced berretta.
Wesker: I PWN EVERY RE PARODY! On a side note, this fic is not intended to be offensive to mentally handicapped people, chickens, Becky, or anyone infected with (a.) the T-Virus, (b.) the G-Virus, or (c.) Las Plagas. Barry and those with the T-Veronica virus, however, should take offense. God, I better be paid well for this…
Rebecca: Lalala, lollipops, puppies and rainbows…erm, Wesky, don't we need Billy for most of the story?
Wesker: o_O Aww, crap…well, I'll have to be Billy then. MORE AIR TIME FOR ME!
Spotlight: STFU BIATCH.
Wesker: Well, aren't you an ass. Anyways, go ahead Rebby.
Spotlight: …Rebby?
Pointlessly, Rebecca throws a conveniently-nearby pickaxe at the spotlight, breaking it into many, many tiny little pieces.
Rebecca: LOLZ! I PWN!
She begins skipping about in little circles. Wesker sighs, and pulls a cruddily-made cardboard train out from offstage. Rebecca looks at the pitiful prop and giggles.
Wesker: Erm, it's Barry's…
Rebecca: Yeah, and I'm a donkey. Oh yeah! Line!
She pulls out a dog-eared script.
Rebecca: OH NO, my plane has crashed; it…aww, damn, part of my script's cut off, crappy photocopying…aha! Oi, look over there! It's a train!
Wesker moves the train up and down, spitting and spluttering fiercely as he does so. A puddle soon forms on his several hundred dollar Italian leather dress shoes.
Wesker: VROOM! VROOM!
Rebecca: Erm, it's supposed to be stopped…
Wesker freezes, a bead of spittle hanging from his lips.
Wesker: Erm…Barry did it.
Rebecca: Wesker…what's with you and Barry?
Wesker: WHAT?! NUTHIN U N00B.
Rebecca sighs deeply and shakes her head at him.
Rebecca: (aside) Aren't I supposed to be the retarded one?
Wesker: Uhh…I'm Billy Coen…um…
Rebecca: HEEY IT'S STILL MY LINE!
She starts singing It's My Life at the top of her lungs.
Wesker: Oh, this is just so frickin' great…
Spotlight: THIS PLAIE SUXORS!
Wesker & Rebecca: WHAT?! I PWNED YOU!
Rebecca: …and must we all l33t-speak?
Spotlight: Tea!
Wesker: Wtf…
Rebecca: Mmm…T-Bags…
The spectre of Billy floats onstage.
Billy: WHOOOO!
Wesker/Rebecca/Spotlight: OMFG!
Billy: Ya…I'm a ghost…
Rebecca: I don't care, n00blet…oh, Spotlight dearest, are you a ghost as well?
Spotlight: Well dearie, I could not tell you. All I know is that I've started to feel somewhat like a very British grandmother since you hit me with that pickaxe…
Wesker: WESKER!
Wesker: Yes?
Wesker: Give me more lines! I don't talk enough!
Wesker: Yessir, right away Mr Wesker, sir. Say…umm….
Wesker: What is it?
Wesker: Umm, are you doing anything tonight? Wanna…grab a drink or sumthin'?
Wesker: Well, yeah, ok. Eight fine?
Wesker: That's…that's great, yeah!
Rebecca/Spotlight/Billy's Ghost: WTF?
The heavily-mutated Lisa Trevor chooses this moment to waddle onstage.
Lisa Trevor: Unnnghhhh…
Wesker: Ahh
Billy: Ahh
Spotlight (Granny?): Ahh
Rebecca: Ahh…oh, LOLZ! Lisa, go away, you're in Act II.
Lisa Trevor: MOMMY!
Wesker: Alright, already! Let's hurry this up…
He shoots Lisa in the forehead.
Lisa Trevor: DADDY
Wesker: AHH FUGLY
Wesker runs away.
Lisa Trevor: DADDY :(
Rebecca: ALRIGHT, EVERYBODY SHADDUP! Lisa, GTFO. Wesker, GTF…back here! Billy, respawn or go to your last ink ribbon or whatever it is you have to do! We need some more PLOT DEVELOPMENT! Nobody's interested in our plaie!
Wesker slinks back onstage, and Billy becomes corporeal again with a strange POOF sound.
Spotlight: Oh my, I'm so uninterested that I could just faint!
Rebecca throws a Hot Pocket at Spotlight and stomps her feet like she's having a tantrum.
Rebecca: SHUT UP! IWANNAGOTRAIN!
Wesker/Billy: I'll train you…
Rebecca walks in the cardboard train. A pixellated loading screen later, the stage is set inside a nicely-decorated car—well, except the carpet is pretty ugly. Can't win 'em all.
Rebecca: Okay. Billy, I'm not supposed to know you yet so leave. Wesker, nobody needs you anymore so go and date yourself or something. Spotlight, light me up.
Various grumblings ensue as these orders are followed.
Lisa Trevor: (offstage) unnGGGHAghhhh!
Rebecca: Oh Snap, there's a dead body!
The Corpse stands up.
Corpse: grrroooannnn
Rebecca: …Okay, that's screwed. Anyways…Blamma!
She mimes shooting the Corpse in the head with a pencil.
Corpse: unngh
The Corpse sits down.
Rebecca: Pwned….AAHHHHAHHHHHHHH!
Something jumps in through the window, breaking the glass. However, the something's stomach gets stuck halfway through and it has to wriggle the rest of the way through.
Rebecca: Oh, look! You're that guy from my S.T.A.R.S. team that kept touching my thigh!
Spotlight: Erm, I do believe he has a name…
Rebecca: Yeah…PERV! Ha! Pwned!
'Perv': Hey…
Rebecca: Sry…Oh, I'm SO not! HA!
'Perv': Rebecca, take some Ritalin and push your ADHD to the side for the moment. The forest is full of…zombies and monsters…
Rebecca: Zombies and monsters…
'Perv' nods.
Rebecca: Oh, like U, U perv! HA! PWNED!
'Perv': Oh, for fuck sakes…
He blows a whistle around his neck, then dies. Two fiercely overweight pugs scramble through the broken window, completely out of breath.
Rebecca: OH Fat Puppies!
Pudgy Pugs: Lolz. :P
Rebecca: Aww Cutieful!
She pets them. The Pudgy Pugs drool contently.
Billy: (offstage)…Aww, fuck this!
Billy runs onstage, shoots the pugs, then runs away.
Rebecca: PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSS!
Pudgy Pugs::(
Rebecca: Meh.
Rebecca walks off down the corridor, all the while singing bits of songs from Chess.
Spotlight: Classy.
Soon after, Rebecca sees a dead body, and bends down to take a look-see.
Rebecca: OOH LOOKIES! There's sumthin' in his hand!
She pries a key out of his stiff fingers—then, out of nowhere…
?:hic…Give me…hic, hic—the sample, Leon…hic…
Rebecca turns around to see a very drunken Ada.
Rebecca: ADA?
Ada: WesHICker? hic
Wesker: Krauser?
Krauser: Leon?
Leon: Ashley!
Ashley: Ada?
Ada: hic…Le…hic…on?
Ada runs away and vomits in the corner.
Leon: Ada?
Ada continues wretching, but manages to shoot Leon the bird.
Leon: Erm, ok…Jill?
Jill: Chris?
Chris: Rebecca?
Rebecca: Ad-
Ada gives Rebecca the finger.
Rebecca: Erm, Barry?
Barry: Bella Sisters?
Bella Sisters: HEEYYAHHHHHHH-lisa trevor-HHHAAAHHHHHHH!
Lisa Trevor: unnnggahhhghghhhhh…?
Spotlight: …SPOTLIGHT!
Everyone pauses for a beat. Then…
Rebecca: Alright you morons, it's MY scene! Krauser, Leon, Ashley, Jill, Chris, Barry, Bella Sisters, Lisa, Ada, even…yes, even you, Spotlight—GET OUT OF MY CHAPTER!
Everyone mutters darkly but ultimately leaves—everyone except for Billy, who walks to the corner and stands where Ada was. Cringing, he quickly jumps back from a neat pile of vomit. Rebecca then turns around slowly.
Rebecca: Lieutenant Billy Coen!
Billy: Um, no.
Rebecca: Um…one sec.
She flips through her script.
Rebecca: HEEY! The rest of the pages are blank!
Billy flips through his as well.
Billy: Aww, man! What happens next? I haven't even played my own game!
Rebecca: Oh, trust me. You didn't miss much.
Billy considers this, rubbing a hand over his chin. He then flexes his tattooed arm for all to see, but only Spotlight notices and croons at him from offstage. Billy shudders.
Billy: Hmm. Let's go upstairs. No—wait. You go, and I'll stay here to look like a complete ass for almost getting you killed. Oh, and we have to go up the stairs in the Dining Car. That's back in the other direction. You can access it via the car you entered into.
Rebecca: o_O And…you haven't played your game before?
Billy: Lollypops, puppies and rainbows…
Rebecca runs away. Billy shrugs and heads out after her.
Wesker: Um, do we have a narrator? No? Well fine then. I'll do it. Um…Rebecca went to the dining car…blissfully unaware that, um…y'know, the zombies and shit…aww, never mind. Who needs plot? All you need in life is a big gun.
He pats his sniper rifle.
Barry:(offstage) *cringes*
Meanwhile, Rebecca stops walking suddenly. Billy walks into her.
Rebecca: I sense a Barry Cringe…
Billy: …WTF?
Old Dude:*sits there*
Rebecca: OMG LOOK…Billy, go downstairs. You're gonna need to save me in a few.
Billy sings I Believe in a Thing Called Love for no apparent reason, then leaves.
Rebecca: …Weird. Well. Oi, old mate…huh. Am I British now?
Spotlight:*appears* Oh, you got the Brit Fever, darling!
Rebecca shudders.
Rebecca: Alrighty. Um…sir? Oi…dyahh, I mean, hey, are you ok? I think you are, seeing as how all the others on this train are mindless walking dead. Anyways, my name's Reb-
Old Dude: *stands up, turns into leeches*
Rebecca: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LLOIKE OOOOOMMMMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFGGGGGGGGGGGG!
Billy runs onstage.
Billy: Time yet?
Rebecca: No, let there be drama.
Billy: Okey dokey.
He moseys off down a nearby staircase.
Rebecca: Ok. Um…oh yeah. Ahh, leeches, oh gawd, they're on me…oh, wait, they aren't on me yet. Hey, get on here, you lazy louts!
Leeches:*sit down and write haiku*
Rebecca: GET ON MY BACK!
Leeches: yeah, yeah, fine, lady!
The Leeches take their sweet time in getting up, but eventually jump on Rebecca.
Rebecca: Let them squirm…let them squirm…OK! You can come out now, Billy!
Silence.
Rebecca: BILLLLLLLYYYYY!
Leeches: mwahaahaa, disturb us from our haiku, will you?
Rebecca: HAHAHA! Haiku you it like rhymes!
Leeches:…oh…oh yeah! lolz!
Billy then walks up the stairs.
Billy: Well, I went to the back of the train, and found a hunting gun, two hundred bullets for your handgun, and an ice pick in case you lock yourself in that room over there. *gestures at a nearby door* Oh yeah, I killed the first boss with this handy hunting gun thinger, and grabbed this hookshot so you can go up to the roof and start the train. Then, we'll put these two rings into this briefcase which I also found, grab the card key from inside, and go into the control room to operate the brakes—yeah, the train will have started to move by then. Oh yeah, and I went ahead and beat the game and got lotsa leeches in the minigame, so I grabbed this hardcore Magnum Revolver too. Blows shit up niiice. Like your mom.
Rebecca/Leeches: …um…WTFH?
Billy frowns.
Billy: I mean…Rebecca!
Billy shoots haphazardly at the leeches.
Leeches: Don't, you.
They leave.
Rebecca: …oh…man, you've got good aim! Look, no bullet holes!
She dances around happily. Billy shoves two strangely-shaped rings in her face
Billy: Rings.
Rebecca: What?
Billy: Put these rings in this suitcase I'm holding!
Rebecca: But I wanna look around…
Billy: Rings! Now! I'm doing a speed playthrough!
Rebecca: …WTF, mate? I thought this was a play!
Billy: …oh, yeah. Um…
Billy runs downstairs, then returns seconds later.
Billy: I'm um…the Billy of the first playthrough…um…
Rebecca: Gawd, how did you ever force yourself to play through this game TWICE?
Wesker: *appears* Get on with it! I haven't said anything in over a minute!
Rebecca: But you don't say anything in, what, a good half of the games!
Wesker: Yeah….well…I have files! Don't you have files yet?
Spotlight: Seriously…isn't this a play?
Rebecca: ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT, FUCKOS! I SIMPLY CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS! YOU ALL SUCK! I QUIT!
She walks offstage in a huff, making 'huff, huff' noises to emphasize this.
Wesker: Erm…
He starts to squeeze into Rebecca's costume. Before he can manage it (and before the pants split over his manly thighs), Jill Valentine jumps onstage and slaps him.
Jill: Oh no, you don't. This is my game now!
Chris Redfield follows Jill in, slapping Wesker just for the sheer hell of it.
Chris: You do realize that this should be my game now. I mean, I got RE5 which has much better graphics than RE3, so obviously people like me better, and 'cuz…um…it's me…
Hunk jumps into the train from nowhere in particular. He's just cool like that. Come on, you know it's true.
Hunk: No, you don't boyo. Dat's gonna be my game!
Bruce somehow opens a window from the outside of the train and shoves his head inside.
Bruce: Nope. Me and Fong Ling are gonna make a comeback! In more ways than one…if you get my drift. Y'know…with the sex and all…
Leon appears, sans cool entrance. He is Leon, after all.
Leon: No way, bro.
Jill: Go away, Leon.
Wesker: Yes. You're too cruel to midgets.
The train chooses this moment to start moving. This is strange, considering it's made out of cardboard. Nobody present is astute enough to question this. Well, maybe Bruce would have pondered this, but he is currently distracted by scrambling into a moving train from the window. He would have ended up staring at Jill's chest and forgetting it all, anyways.
Wesker: Well, someone has to play the role of Rebecca. The show must go on, after all…so I suppose I'll do it!
Amidst sudden grumblin's and plans to lynch the asshole who wears sunglasses at night, Rebecca rushes onstage.
Rebecca: Heeeey! You replaced me already?
Spotlight: Hey, Hunk…come down here…I've got…something to show you…
Hunk: Hmm? *ninjas offstage* Oh…oh my…*giggles*
Chris: I wanna see!
Jill: Oh, god…what is this about?
Barry: Now, is this really necessary? Lisa might be watching…
Wesker: Barry, she mutated how many years ago? She's a fully grown woman now, if not a little…
Barry: Fully developed, you say?
Wesker: Um, no…that's not what I said at…
Barry: I must…leave.
Wesker: o_O But what about us?
Rebecca/Billy/Jill/Chris/Bruce/Hunk/Leon/Spotlight:OMFG!
Ada:*appears* LOLZ
Wesker: UMM…NO, I MEAN…um, everyone but um Jill, and…er…Hunk, I guess. Yes. Jill and Hunk, continue the plot.
Hunk: NO
Jill: NO
Wesker: …Why?
Jill: I wanna see what they were laughing at.
Hunk: And I'm not doing anything 'till I get my own game. I shoulda' had RE5. Come on, remember that site where my name was like an acronym for something?
Chris: That was a fan site!
Hunk: Screw you, fanboy's pet!
Wesker: Jill, go look at Spotlight's thinger or whatever the hell it is, then get your ass onstage. Bruce, you're on with her.
Jill hops offstage, then dashes toward Spotlight. She laughs excitedly.
Bruce: I only work with Fong Ling. Or Ada.
Leon: Asian Fever?
Bruce: No, they can take care of themselves better than any other girl here…why? What's Asian Fever?
Ada: I'm not Asian.
Rebecca: Aren't you drunk?
Ada: …hic.
She flips Rebecca off.
Billy: Ada, why do you keep giving Becky the finger?
Ada doesn't respond, choosing to flash a nearby floor rug. Leon, feeling neglected, starts singing Tubthumping offkey.
Wesker: FINE! Rebecca, you're rehired. Billy, just pretend you haven't beat the game yet. Now GET ON WITH IT!
Rebecca …I quit, didn't I?
Lisa Trevor crawls onstage and prepares to moan.
Wesker: NO! BACK IN YOUR BOX!
Jill: Just let her play Rebecca, Weskers.
Creepy Leech Guy: AHEM!
Everyone looks outside the train, where the Creepy Leech Guy stands impatiently, tapping his foot. He starts singing in a freakishly high-pitched voice. Everyone makes happy noises and fawns over the young rising starlet—well, everyone except for…
Wesker: …queer…
Lisa hits him over the head with her chains, knocking him unconscious and chipping his sunglasses.
Lisa Trevor: UNNNGHHHHH!
All applaud.
Rebecca: Now that Wesker is unconscious, we can all take a little break. Join us nex-
Ada: HIC
Rebecca: -t time on Resident Evil: The Big Mess of Plot! Oh christ, it's like a serial TV show now. God help us all.
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Is this a play, book, game, or live TV show? Will Wesker wake up? Will Rebecca take her role back? What exactly IS Spotlight's funny thing? Will Ada sober up or at least cease being the stereotypical hiccoughing drunk? Will the Creepy Leech Guy's career take off? WILL THE STORY GO ANYWHERE? Join us next time to find out! (Or don't and forget about it. Same diff.)