Something about 3 in the morning makes me feel creative... Strange, I know.
Disclaimer: The Cullens aren't mine... Stephenie Meyer has that privilege.
I had tried to forget the fact that I was alone many times, but it always came back to haunt me in the simplest ways. Every smile between Jasper and Alice was another few minutes of intense longing. One night shared between Emmett and Rosalie equaled days of self-loathing for myself. A single touch could trigger my loneliness, and my family knew it. They tried to tread carefully around me, but there were times that they couldn't stop it.
I couldn't blame them. They should be happy. They shouldn't try to censor their feelings for my sake. I just had to put on a brave face and take it. There were days when it was all too much, and I would flee. Those days were rare.
As of this moment, Alice was leaning into Jasper's arms, her eyes closed, her body relaxed. Esme and Carlisle were sitting next to each other. Their hands were intertwined. Rosalie and Emmett weren't in sight, but everyone knew what was going on. My arms longed to be wrapped around my wife, whoever she was. My hands tingled with the thought of holding someone's hand.
Edward, please. The self-loathing is difficult to absorb.
It would be one of those nights. "My apologies, Jasper." I stood, heading for the door. Esme straightened, her eyebrows dipping gently.
Edward? Did we . . .?
"Esme, you're fine. I'll be back in time for school. I just need to think."
My mother nodded uncertainly, her thoughts laced with doubt and hesitancy. She returned to Carlisle, and I left my home. I loved my siblings dearly, but I envied their luck in finding a mate. True, Carlisle had been alone much longer than myself, but he had someone now. The same was true for Jasper.
I glided through the forest, my thoughts in a jumbled mess inside my head. All I wanted was someone to care for and to protect. It really wasn't that much to ask.
Of course, I was a monster, a killer. I didn't deserve to be loved. Fate was not kind enough to allow me that escape from my own misery. But really, what had I done to justify such an escape? I had killed monsters, not innocents. Nevertheless, I had killed. I was sure that the universe would see a murder as a murder regardless of the victim. I would be alone for the rest of eternity.
That much I had come to grips with. There would never be someone to love me like that. I would never have someone standing next to me through good and bad times. I would never have a partner to hunt with. I would never have a mate, a wife. Yet I could still pretend. I could still hope. But hope was a cruel thing, really.
I came to a stop a few miles away from the house and looked up at the night sky. Was there really a higher power? Many humans seemed to think so. I could recall my mother taking me to church when I was young. She had believed in God.
I felt ignorant, silently praying to this deity for a woman that I could love. Yet it was worth my time. When I truly thought about it, what did I have to lose? A few moments out of eternity was a small price to pay if I somehow managed to obtain a love out of this.
The self-loathing that had been eating away at me slowly faded. Instead of being at the forefront of my feelings, it had receded into the back of my mind. At this point, it was just a dull ache. It would never fully disappear, but it became bearable.
I returned to my home. Emmett and Rosalie had decided to grace the family with their presence this morning. Emmett wanted to wrestle with Jasper, and Rosalie was speaking with Alice about when they could plan their next shopping trip. Esme and Carlisle were content to watch their children interact with one another.
No one looked at me as I sat down in a chair. They knew by now why I had left. It seemed to be an unspoken rule in the family. No one had to say anything when one of us wanted to be alone. We weren't judged.
Welcome back, Esme thought warmly.
I nodded in her direction, giving her a small smile. She had done so much for me when I deserved none of it.
My favorite sister glanced up at me, a huge grin lighting up her face. I know something you don't know, she sang happily in her mind.
"And what would that be, Alice?" I tried to read her mind, but she blocked it off by thinking of what she was going to get Jasper for their anniversary six years from now.
Her grin was blinding. You'll see, was her only reply. I watched my sister for a few more moments before shaking my head.
Alice ran to Jasper and hugged him tightly. I shut my eyes and looked away. If God was going to be merciful and grant my request, then I hoped it would be in the very near future.
Yay!! 3 a.m. and it still makes sense! Or so I think. :D
Anybody have a favorite part in New Moon? Please review. I stay up 'til three to write this, and one little review will make me stay up one more night to write something else. I swear.
- J.C.