Disclaimers: Transformers Does not belong to me in any shape other than the action figures and DVDs and posters I own.
I do not own Wal-Mart.
Eris the Fallen Archangel is partially my Idea with Pita C89
Ben the Fallen Archangel is entirely MY idea.
Disclaimer over
(For those of you wondering, Yes, I am Ben.)
Ben was bored today. He had only caused a mere three world calamities in the last five hours. But on the other hand, it was his day off. So, while he left Eris to clean up his messes , he headed toward the Autobot base. Or so he thought. A shadow loomed behind him as he fluttered toward the base on his little bat wings.
Now, if you do not know Ben, then here's a sum-up. He's 3'2", has long bat ears, wears glasses and a black leather jacket with dark jeans, a crucifix medallion, a grey shirt, and wings growing out of his arms. Also, he has bat feet. He looks human except for the ears, wings, feet, and accent. His voice sounds like one on helium, but more...innocent. His wings have hollow bones. By the way, he is a fallen Archangel long ago trapped in this body in his fight against his cousin, Lucifer, or as Ben affectionately calls him "Cousin Lukey". Ironically, he was one of the good angels but got...fired for doing ahem naughty things like teaching ancient monkeys about fire. Thus did humanity become a race of fire-obsessed morons, out to kill whenever they could. Don't remember it? Chances are that Eris, his Arch Guardian, probably erased the memories of the human race before you would know about the inventions Ben made. History? What could one stupid Archangel do to cause history? Let's put it this way: Genghis Khan didn't use cavalry archers like history says; they used rocket launchers.
Anyway, there was a large shadow looming over Ben, and it hummed to itself, which is of course a dead giveaway. Ben looked behind himself. It was Thrust.
"Hah! I have you!" Thrust yelled, elated that he had finally succeeded in his mission. A crappy net with 4" holes shot out of his turbine and grabbed Ben.
"Aah!" Ben yelled as Thrust blasted off.
Once Thrust got past the Stratosphere, Ben asked the obvious.
"Ummm...how am I gonna breathe in space?"
"Hmm.. I guess you'll have to ride in the cockpit. Don't touch anything." So, Thrust put the Fallen Archangel in his cockpit.
MEANWHILE
At Wal-Mart, Red Alert had been waiting. He posed as an ambulance, but after the fifth person in a row died from choking, he thought it to be wiser to just wait as a robot. Then people would stop asking him about some guy named "Heimlich". ..
Yet Further Meanwhile
Midnight Express had finally been caught by the rest of the Autobots in a corner.
"Midnight, we're going to cure you of this habit!" Optimus yelled.
Midnight cowered. "NO! I can fondle my Britney Spears plush all I want! I love her!"
Optimus has the anime sweat drop. "ummm...That's not the habit I was referring to..."
Midnight cringed "There's nothing going on between me and the can opener! I swear!"
Optimus slapped his own forehead and groaned. "No, that's not it either."
Midnight stood up, confused. "My obsession with the ahem lovely Miss America?"
Optimus groaned loudly and this time smacked Midnight this time. "DAMMIT! NO! YOUR CKING OBSESSION WITH THE DAMNED CLOCKS! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!"
The Mediator, Skybyte, sighed. "This'll be a long 'un."
MEANWHILE, AT THE FRONT GATE
Finally, Grimlock had found the Autobot base. Mind you, it took him twelve years, and on the way he bumped into some odd people, like some guy calling himself 'Dinobot'. Sure, the guy was a Raptor, but Grimlock didn't recognize him. So he merely responded with a "Me Grimlock King!" and walked away, disheartened. Then, when he had thought he had finally found the Transformers in Japan, seeing the Fortress Maximus, then its disappearance, he swore and tried to get information from the humans. That was a dead end. Apparently some guy named Koji disappeared with them. Oh, how he would pay. Then, he could have sworn that he saw Unicron, but that's impossible, because twelve years ago, he and the original Transformers defeated him. And finally, he found the base. Oh, it was hard, but the fact that the door was marked with a huge Autobot sign made it slightly easier for him.
And so, he knocked.
A pair of familiar blue eyes looked out at him from inside the gate. They widened with disbelief. "Grimlock!"
"You leave Grimlock behind! Me Grimlock here to join back up. . "
The eyes, which by now you realize belong to Optimus, widened even further. "REALLY!"
Grimlock shrugged. " Well, Me Grimlock not selling Dino Scout cookies, now is he?"
The gate opened, and Grimlock had the surprise of his life. This was all new, and apparently technology had advanced radically.
" Whoa."
Then, a certain smell came to Grimlock's nose. It smelled familiar. Then, he knew what it was. "Me Grimlock whiff Communist!"
Optimus began to sweat. "Uhh...No commies here, old buddy! You must just have old Dust in your nose. Remember the Quintesson Home World? No way you don't have stuff from there stuck in your nose!"
"Oh." Said Grimlock, who then sat on the couch and took a nap.
MEANWHILE... AT THE DECEPTICON BASE...
Ben sat in Megatron's chair. When he had arrived, Megatron was taking a ahem bathroom break. Then, he seated himself on Megatron's Throne. All of the Decepticons gasped.
"YOU CAN'T SIT THERE!" Thrust yelled.
Ben shrugged. "What ,is it 'cause I'm a bat? Is that it!"
"NO! THAT'S MEGATRON'S CHAIR! HE'LL KILL YOU!" The Collective mass of Deceptions yelled.
Ben hopped off the chair as Megatron arrived.
"YOU!" Megatron yelled at Ben.
"uh-oh." Ben whimpered.
"MY LIFE IS YOUR FAULT!" Megatron blasted.
MEANWHILE...AT WAL-MART
The store was just about an hour open when Red Alert got to the toy aisle. It was just in! The new Optimus Prime toy! He had to have it. HAD TO!
So, he grabbed it off the shelf after tazering five innocent children and ran to the checkout.
There was an old lady waiting there, with a full shopping cart. Seriously...it was up to his head.
"ARGH!" he shouted. "MOVE IT LADY!" He charged up his blaster...
MEANWHILE...IN SAUDI ARABIA
Today was good for Saud Al-Minkh. His oil well was pumping from a rich source, and the Americans were willing to pay top dollar for their oil. He had paid his protection money, and thus was ready for a full day of profit.
And then his day went down the tubes...
"This is a stick-up!" yelled the giant robot.
"Allah! Save Me!" Saud clamored.
The Giant Robot was none other than Ultra Magnus.
"Oil! In the barrel! NOW!" He bellowed.
Meanwhile
Megatron was crying on a couch, and Ben was using Megatron's Throne as a psychiatrist's chair.
"So, how long have you missed your old self?" he asked with a horrible German accent.
"About three months now, doc." Megatron whimpered.
Ben took a minute to ponder this.
"Vell, is one ting to do!" (Yes, I'm misspelling so that you get the idea of the horrible accent.)
Megatron looks through his tears. "What, Doc?"
Ben smiles an evil smile. " Alcohol and drill. We fix you good. Or you die. Either way, you less sad. Also, we get free beer from Oktoberfest."
Megatron looks at Ben askew. "Why don't I just go back to my old self?"
Ben's eyes furrow. "Because then I don't get alcohol and drill to play with."
MEANWHILE...YET AGAIN
"MIDNIGHT!" Optimus is frantic now.
"Yes, boss?" Midnight asks.
"STOP SETTING THE CLOCKS TO GO OFF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!" Optimus bellows.
"Why?" Midnight inquires.
"BECAUSE WE USE A LUNAR CLOCK, IDIOT!"
Ben fluttered toward the Autobot base. He was being followed by a familiar white space shuttle.
"BEN! You're being trailed by Megatron!" Hot Shot yells.
Ben fluttered began to flutter his wings even harder.
The Autobot door opened, and Ben flew in, as fast as he could. Megatron punched the booster and makes it in just as the door closes.
Ben ran into the lobby. "Guys! I got news!"
He then saw a female Autobot whose designs were looked almost exactly like Optimus's, but were somehow different. And Optimus stood next to her.
"WHO THE HELL IS THAT!" Ben burst.
"Yess, who is that, darling!" said the now back-to-female Megatron.
Optimus is very confused. " Uhhh...It's my daughter."
"WHAT!" everyone yells, save Optimus and his daughter.
Optimus smiled sheepishly and twiddled his fingers guiltily. " Well, while Megatron and I were separated, I got lonely. A bot's got Needs!"
"Needs! You had children! And toast!" Megatron yelled.
Optimus mumbled something about having no butter and went on. " So, in my depression, I ran into a Soviet Rally. Well, me and a lovely tank met there and after a wild, oil-filled night and 11 months, I had a little surprise on my hands. Her name is Maxima."
Ben's eyes widened, then went back to normal. He licked his hand, and wet back his hair, and struts over to Maxima.
"Hi. I'm Ben. You're real pretty. Wanna hook up sometime, sweet...umm...toaster?"
SLAP!
"Aww...she likes me..." Ben said before he fell unconscious.
Eris strode in, and upon seeing the indignant female Autobot, the knocked-out half-bat, the weeping Megatron, and the surprised Autobots, she burst out laughing.
"Looks like we have a situation here..." She remarked.