Foolish
Disclaimer: I do not own Sekai Ichi Hatsukoi
Please Note: This is all in Ritsu's POV
I was fifteen… and my world just turned black…
Pitch black…
I couldn't imagine why…
All I did was to love you…
I never asked anything in return… I gave up a lot of things just so I can be with you…
Did you know, that everytime I come over to your house, my parents would yell at me when I came home because I was late coming home again?
I never told you that because I don't want to trouble you, and the fact that you spent your time with me made me really happy that the voices of my mother and father's stern words didn't resonate in my ears, all because I was in dreamland everytime I'm with you.
Did you know, that I sacrificed each and every precious time that I had just to be with you at the library? I didn't realize how much I missed in my life up until now, now that I'm not with you.
A lot of my cousins and close friends invited me to social parties just to boost my position, but I gave it all up… I gave up my time… just for you… just so I can spend time with you…because your too precious to me…
I guessed… you never realized it… but I was happy, you were selfish, demanding and wanted my attention so bad, it made me feel flattered instead of caged. I wanted to be with you…
When you yelled at me out of nowhere, I was hurt… really hurt, but I was willing to risk it because I'm madly in love with you…
How come you didn't see it through my efforts? Am I that blurry when it comes to expressing my feelings for you?
When we did it that night, I gave myself to you, all of me, I wanted you so bad… to give you a piece of me…
Did you know, that day… after we did it, I was contemplating so hard, I wanted to eagerly introduce you to my family, to fight you in front of my parents, I was readying myself to be disowned, all because of the simple reason that I love you and I wanted to be with you forever…
No… you mustn't have realized it…
I was ready to give up everything, just for you…
And yet…
When I asked you, you laughed at me…
I asked you wholeheartedly, and that is the answer that I got…
I was played at… I was a fool to fall in love with you…
So much of a fool…
I was thinking of many reasons as to why you did this to me, I was a good person to you, I never did anything to disappoint you… and yet…
How come…
Another batch of tears started through my eyes… I hate it crying about you… I hate that I fell in love with you…
I wish I could've stabbed you using all the pain that I felt, a kick on the face is not enough of the all the pain that you caused me, it'll be selfish of me, but I truly wish… I could've given you more.
My cousins and friends knew about you, no, they didn't know your name (you should thank the Gods for not letting me slip your name to them, otherwise, you'll end up in prison for what you did to me, I have a cousin who knows how to fabricate things beautifully).
After that day, I came home, and I don't even feel myself anymore.
One look was all it took for my mom to get worried about me, I didn't went to school, I didn't care if I miss my lessons, I didn't care that my stomach had been growling for days, I probably won't care if someone decides to murder me out of nowhere, I'll probably won't care at anything at all…
When my cousins where able to force me out of my room, I'm still… dead…
I was looking out of nowhere, even the chirping of the birds couldn't get past through my ears…
I was too shocked… too traumatized…
My parents got worried, and of course, they called numerous psychiatrists and other shrinks, I wanted to voice out my concern, want to tell them my pain… but nothing goes out of my mouth…
Except for the word "Foolish… "
Mom is starting to have enough, she started to ask me questions herself, but I didn't yield for some reason, I guess, I was protecting you, I'm such a fool, aren't I? I'm still thinking about your safety from my influential family's wrath even after all the things that you did to me.
When she gave up on me, one of my cousins, Rio and An started to knock sense back on me.
Rio is my closest cousin, while An is my fiancée (I didn't tell you about her, I don't think I have the heart to do so)
Rio then started barraging me, knocking some sense into me and An's supportive words put me back on track, but when I came back to school (you already graudated), the Principal told me that I missed so many classes that they told me they had to hold me back a year.
My mom was about to agree, but my dad didn't.
I remember him asking me to view the cherry blossoms in the garden, he held me tight… so tight…
"Ritsu… " I heard him ask tenderly. "Did you know… that your birthday is known as Cherry Blossom day? I was so happy when you were born… "
My eyes widened.
"Your mother… she had lost a lot of child from miscarriages, I told her before, that I was fine with not having an heir, but she declined to believe it, she kept on fighting to have a child, and then…we had you… "
I felt my eyes went glassy.
"Our beautiful Ritsu… I was happy to have met you… but then suddenly you became lost… I started to wonder… what happened to the beautiful angel that we raised? What happened, that made our warm, loving, kind, and generous son to become like an empty hollow shell? So lifeless and so… broken… " He said as he hugged me tighter. "Ritsu… I don't know what happened…but don't ever give up on life. Terrible things happen and they will happen, life outside the family can be very strange, but we raised you, I raised you, in a warm environment because I wanted you to see… how treasured we are to have you… I love you, your mother loves you, your aunts and uncle love you, your cousins love you, your friends love you, we all love you Ritsu…and we all want you to know, that we all cherish you… So don't give up… live your life, it's not the end, we'll help you… " He said as he hugged me even tighter. "We'll help you stand up again, we can do this, we'll support you all the way, we will all stand by your side because, we'll back you up all the way, we'll make you whole again, we'll stay with you no matter what happens, because we're family. "
Tears started to drop on my cheeks. All the sadness that I suppressed started to flow, endlessly…
We stayed like that… I suddenly felt like a little kid, being held by my dad.
After you dumped me, I didn't know that my existence mattered, now that I'm not with you, I started to see the world in a different light, that I mattered to other people, that even my precious first love didn't treasure me, my family stayed to treasure me, giving me their endless support.
"Dad… " I croaked. "I love you too… I love all of you… thank you… for loving me… no matter how broken am I now. "
"Ritsu… we'll show you… what it means to live again. "
Is it possible for a foolish guy to move on again?
After that tearful moment, it seemed all my pain started to be gone, gradual though, my dad decided that I'll be homeschooled so that I don't have to deal with my annoying classmates and face them with a fake smile, I also started to attend high class parties that my friends and cousins go for, I really enjoyed the over the top parties that I attended, danced with ladies, drink champagne, attend singing and acting lessons, listen to classical music, attend concertos, attend fiestas, go to other countries during Christmas, bond with my family, have the usual Friday movie night, attend baby showers and all those stuff… I also have reading sessions and book reviews with my family and friends, I can tell, that they're trying their best to make me happy.
I tried to have fun. I tried to live…
I tried to live… without you…
But despite the happiness that surrounded me, deep down, my heart still ached…
I still find myself crying at night sometimes, but it's not as worse as before, like what my father said, I shouldn't give up on life, I shouldn't give up on living just because you dumped me..
But for some reason…
I'm still in pain…
Because deep down, I know… I'm still madly in love with you…
I used to want you so bad... I still want to be with you very badly...
What an utter fool I am…
"How about you study in England? " Rio asked out of nowhere as she twirled her light brown hair in her hands and looked at me with her light, bright green eyes.
I smiled as I put my book down. "Now what makes you say that? "
"You seemed to be interested in literature. " She said.
"Just because I'm interested in literature doesn't mean that I have to go abroad. England is not just the only place to study when it comes to literature, I can attend universities in Tokyo too, you know. "
"Yeah, but I think England can offer a lot more. It's a good place to focus in studying literature, afterall, a lot of literature genres came from that country… and also… " She trailed as she looked at the window. "I think it's also a good way for you to forget your middle school love… "
I lowered my eyelids.
"I mean, you're studying English and French, so why not use it and study in other countries? I even saw you reading Chaucer and Canterbury tales. " She continued. "You know, Ritsu, it's good to discover the world as much as you can, I don't think Uncle Atsushi will have a problem with it, not to mention our cousin Reiha is living over there, so why won't you try and get the best out of life as possible?"
I bit my lip, it's true that these past few days, I've been interested in reading English literature, I enjoyed reading the works of Bronte sisters, Charles Dickens, and all the works of William Shakespeare.
I have no problem persuading my dad to go abroad…
But…
Could I do it?
I felt a small hand clamp my own and I saw Rio smile.
"You can do it Ritsu… " She said and grinned. "We believe in you… "
Can a foolish boy overcome all this pain and heartache by going away?
I truly hope so…
I asked my dad if I can go and study abroad, he gave me one look and he agreed without any hesitation.
He arranged everything, he called my cousin Reiha (who by then is a successful fashion designeer in London) and asked her to find me a decent school. Knowing Reiha nee chan's attitude when it comes to preparations, I knew that when I come there, I have nothing to worry about.
The night before my departure, I didn't know where I found my courage, but I found myself visiting your house for some reason.
My other cousin, Saito decided to drive me, but I asked him to drop me a couple of blocks from your house, and then I decided to walk.
It was almost midnight, and the streets are so dark. I never really minded the darkness, I've been living around it for sometime now, so I got used to it.
I stood outside your gate, looking at your window, and then I saw that it was partially open.
My eyes widened when I saw two shadows in your room, as I focused, I saw you naked…
And kissing a naked woman who was much much more older than you.
I lowered my eyelids as I immediately hid behind the post. So that's it… that's just that for us …
Why am I so surprised? We only dated for a short time, no doubt that you'll forget about me easily.
I felt my eyes went glassy, but I gulped and refused to let another tear come down from my face, no, I'm much stronger now, I don't need you to survive, I'll be fine on my own.
When saw that you're not in sight, I padded silently across the road. Now I know, I have to move on.
The wind blew harshly, as if blowing me away, but I kept on walking, turning my back and giving your window a last look, I closed my eyes.
This is just my goodbye to you. I know now, that I won't be able to see you again…
Not now… not tomorrow…not next week…
But forever and ever…
"Goodbye… Saga Senpai… "
Gulping, I looked at the vast building in front of me.
It was week since I arrived here in London, England from Japan, and during my stay with my cousin Reiha, all I did was study for the entrance exam.
Reiha nee chan had entered me in Silverstone Middle School, she said that all I have to do is pass an entrance exam (in order to assess what grade I should be in) everything is prepared, all I have to do is pass the exam.
I was about to come in, when someone spoke.
"Excuse me? "
I turned, only to see three young men the same age as me and one beautiful girl.
"Um… " I replied.
One of them went towards me, he had ash blonde hair and warm, chocolate, brown eyes.
"Do you speak Japanese? " He asked.
"Oh, um, yeah. "
"Awesome! I knew it for some reason. Are you half Japanese by any chance? Oh, shoot, what am I doing? Where are my manners? " He laughed as he extended his hand. "I'm Sen Daidouji by the way, I'm half French and half Japanese. Nice to meet you. "
I couldn't help but shake his hand, I can tell that he was a friendly guy by nature. "Ritsu Onodera, no, I'm not half Japanese. "
"You mean your pure? Holy shoot! How come you've got green eyes? "
"My mom is half Irish. "
"Oh, that's why, nice to meet you again, R- no, I mean Onodera san. " He snickered. "Are you hear to attend the entrance exam as well? Maybe we can check it all out, my pals and I just saw you standing here on your own, so I thought maybe you can join our group. That is, if you don't mind. "
Wow, I'm making friends easily. That was a surprise, I didn't know that I am capable of doing such things.
I smiled. "Of course. Daidouji – "
"Call me Sen, we're not in Japan. " He grinned.
"Then call me Ritsu. "
"Fair enough. Nice to meet you again, Ritsu. "
Luck seemed to be with me after then. I passed the entrance exam, I made friends with Sen and his other friends, the two other guys are named Hajime Sato and Tohru Amamkami, the beautiful girl is half British half Japanese named Camille Imonoyama. All came from rich, influential families back in Tokyo.
We were the best of friends, I found myself opening up to people even more, for the first time in my life, I have enjoyed the company of other people aside from my family.
Sen and the others made me break out from my inner shell and introduced me to many people and asked me to join clubs, but Sen forced me to join the fencing club and I learned how to do fencing.
Every weekends, we go out and discover London, we usually ride the London Underground and go to different places. We also attend different balls and fed our rebellious nature by nightly parties despite our curfews and telling scary stories or watching movies in garden, when all superiors are asleep, we go stargazing or go walking in the night in the school halls. They also invited me on vacation in Scotland, Ireland, Switzerland, Paris, and Greece. Despite the fact that I have my social obligations, I still find reading an enjoyable hobby of mine. And I still find time reading a book in the library alone, although, sometimes, Sen or Camille join me.
Hajime and Tohru were the ones that made me introduce to different women, they're the one that pushed me on blind dates and date girls, I never wanted to since they knew that I was burned in love badly, but they encouraged me and I decided to try and date a girl. It all became a part of me then, dating a girl, breaking up with them, and then looking for another one, and dating again. But I broke up with my past girlfriends civilly and we all remained friends.
Day by day I started to forget about you, I still see you in my dreams, but these past few days, your image is now blurry, I don't recall the style of your hair or what shade the colour of your eyes are, it's as if your nothing more but a distant memory…
A memory that I solely wish to forget.
I buried myself in school, attend happy hours with my friends and all…
Just for me to completely forget about you…
But even still…
I couldn't forget completely…
Foolish… foolish Ritsu!
After my friends and I graduated, we all decided to apply for Oxford University, I took a business degree program, my friends too (since we will all inherit our family's corporations in the future). During the first semester, I focused on my courses, still, there is this thing in my heart that longed for literature, so I added additional courses.
I was in my second year when I met a new classmate. Her name, Vika Malsvieth.
She was very beautiful, and lovely and mysterious. She immediately got the attention of my male classmates.
I heard she was a daughter of a rich businessman. But she never gave any airs, or voice boastful assumptions about her position, but for some reason, I found her looking at me once in a while, I ignored it at first, but then it got worse until one day, I approached her.
"Pardon me, but do you have a problem with me? " I asked.
She smiled as she tilted her head to the side, she had beautiful, rose coloured eyes if I say so myself.
"Nothing, I apologize for looking at you, but something about you… makes me intrigued… "
I blinked at her.
She laughed. "Would you mind playing chess with me this Saturday? "
Still astounded, I found myself nodding at her request.
It's no use…
I lost to her five times.
Prior to attending this game, I read the rules and how to play chess (I haven't played it), as well as to make an advantage, but so far… my efforts were futile.
"Seems like you ran out of luck. " Vika said as she calmly sipped her tea.
"You seemed to be playing this game all your life. " I answered as I looked at my chess pieces standing next to her almost untouchable set of black players
I leaned as I massaged my head. "I give up, I don't think I can beat you anyway – "
I stopped when I suddenly felt her jump at me, before I can react, she immediately cupped my jaw.
"W-what are you – mmphf! "
Oh my God.
She kissed me on the lips.
I tried to push her gently, but she kept on coming. She started to coax me. But I refused to open my mouth.
After awhile, she released me.
"What's wrong? You don't have a girlfriend, do you? "
I looked away. "I know, but… "
She smiled as she released me. "I thought you're an heir, why didn't you defend yourself from me when I attacked you? "
"I thought… you're just playing games… "
"Life is like games too, if you don't protect your heart, you'll get hurt over and over again. "
I felt my heart pound. She's sharp… how can she read right through me?
She then raised my chin again. "I was intrigued, what's underneath those green eyes… Ritsu… you're too uptight… I wonder… what's beneath that uptight gentleman demeanor of yours… "
I looked away again.
"When kissing, you should open your mouth… " She instructed as she started to take off her clothes.
I blushed and turned to my back. "What are you doing!? Please put your clothes back on – "
I stopped when I felt her soft arms hug me.
Then I felt her hot breath on my ear.
"I'll teach you how to defend yourself… Ritsu sama… " I heard her whisper like a sin. She said as she started to unbutton my clothes. "I'll teach you how to kiss, and how to forget…at the same time, pleasuring my own… "
I widened my eyes as I slowly faced her. "What are you – "
"Besides… I like cute guys like you… " She said as kissed me with my mouth open.
She started to conquer my tongue, and slowly, I was caving in, we made out for awhile and then she let me go.
"Why? " I asked as I caught my breath.
She then cupped my cheeks.
"Because I like you… that's why I want to help you… " She said as she kissed me again.
This time, I opened my mouth and responded to her.
Her body is naturally seductive, and it seduced me, later on, I found myself giving in to her.
And for the first time, I did it with a woman.
From then on, I found myself in Vika's presence every week, Hajime asked me if we were an item, but I said no, I'm not even sure about my relationship with her, I don't know what to call it, even I have a trouble understanding it, there times when she helps me, then torments me, then gives me helpful advice, I don't think we're an item, because she dates other guys too, and seeing that she does, I kept my end of the bargain and dated girls as well.
But I noticed… that her attitude is starting to rub off on me. There are times when I like to lead my girlfriend on, or sometimes, make her want more by cutting off a kiss when it gets going and she will purr and ask me to continue.
I also find myself giving sarcastic remarks and learned how to stand up for myself even more.
And being defensive… that's the part that I learned the most.
I also adopted her poker face and snarky attitude. I have longed mastered how to fake expressions while in Japan, but when I spend time with her, my poker face became even more enhanced, there are times when I was able to say 'I love you' to my girlfriend perfectly, I watched as I saw her eyes twinkle, even though on the inside, I never loved her at all.
I also learned how to be hostile to the people that had given me crap, I never knew I had it in me, but one time when a drunk bastard made a move to snatch Camille, I found myself fighting back and scream back, things… I never thought I can do…
I also have word arguments and butting heads with Vika, afterwards, I also found myself laughing it off and then doing it with her. Usually, I let her do everything, but in some days, I found myself leading her on as well. Needless to say, we're ah… sex friends…
I also learned her ways of flirting, and it got me even more girls (though not as flaunting as she was).
Little did I know that these traits will be handy when I come back to Japan.
"Change my hairstyle? " I asked as I looked at my fringes.
Vika nodded as she wiped her long, ash blonde hair with a towel. "Yeah. That look makes you boyish. And you're a man now. "
I sighed. "I don't think there are hairstyles that will suit me other than this. "
She smiled as she put her arms around my neck. "I know, but sometimes, change is good. I think it will be a good idea to do before you go back, don't you think? "
I looked at the ground.
"Besides, if you go back to Japan, there is a big chance that you'll meet your old flame. "
I looked away, these days, it didn't bother me that much anymore. It's almost 7 years now, I think I completely forgot about him, I couldn't even remember how he looked like in my dreams.
Before she said anything, I spoke.
"You think… I'm changing for the better? " I asked in daze. "Or… do I become more foolish as the days pass? "
She smiled as she kissed my cheek. "I do think you're changing… " She said as she hugged my shoulders. "But I still think… you're foolish… "
I lowered my eyelids as she said that…
Vika then accompanied me to the nearest barber shop and asked the barber to for a perfect hairstyle.
"Sir, here are some suggestions… " The barber said as he handed me a copy of different styles. None of which I liked.
Surrendering, I looked at Vika. "Do you have any idea? "
She looked at me. "Are you sure you want to style your hair according to my own preferences? "
I nodded. "I trust you. "
She blinked and then looked at me from head to toe, she then looked at the barber and gave him instructions.
I watched, as some pieces of my hair were cut off, and when the barber finished, I found myself looking at the mirror, the parted bangs at the centre were now gone and replaced by bangs that framed each side of my face, for some reason, my boyish aura was now gone, instead, I looked more mature… and defensive…
And I loved it!
Vika then appeared behind me and smiled.
"As I thought, that hairstyle suits you. " She said and grinned.
I smiled back. "Yes… thank you… "
"You're welcome…my beautiful Ritsu… "
Days passed, weeks become months and months become years and I found myself graduating with flying colours. Not only did I finish business management program but I also finished the literature course program.
These days, me and my friends were all attending parties, bars and other social activities. I also called my mom, who told me that she terribly missed me. I also spoke to my dad, and he told me that I can work with him in the company as an editor. A position that I gladly welcomed.
After the final ceremony, Vika then approached me.
"So, you're going back to Japan? " She asked.
"Yeah. "
She gave me a friendly hug. "I'll miss you. "
I smiled and hugged her back. "I'll miss you too. Thank you… for teaching me how to… protect myself… "
She then released me. "Play chess with me before you go, if you lose, you'll stay here and work under me, if you win, I'll let you go. " She said seriously.
"What's the deal? " I asked curiously.
She halfsmiled. "I just wanted to know… how far can you go… "
"Go for what? "
"You'll see what I mean. "
It took me three times, but the fourth one… I found a hole, and grinning in victory, I made my way to beat her.
"Checkmate! " I proclaimed victoriously.
She leaned back on my chair. "Good… that means, you can go safely… for now. "
"You know, you've been speaking in riddles these days. "
She smiled. "I can't help it…to be honest with you… I liked you, I think you'll be a fine husband for me. You make me want to own you, you know that? "
I snickered. "Sorry, but I got engaged. Although… she and me never took that seriously. I only see An as a sister, not more than that."
"I see… but… " She said as she went towards me and positioned herself between my legs and took my jaw. "But Ritsu… I'm afraid for you… "
"For what? "
She smiled. "It's a small world, I have a feeling that you'll meet your old flame along the road. "
I furrowed my eyebrows. "Tokyo is a big place. I don't think we'll meet each other in there. "
She grinned. "Don't speak so carelessly, you might eat what you say later… let's just say you meet each other again, what will you do? "
"I vowed to never fall in love to anyone, man or woman. No, I'll never fall in love with him, never again. "
"What if he pursues you? "
I rolled my eyes. "Like that' ll happen. He got bored and dumped me, remember? "
"People change, Ritsu, you change and he, of course will change. What will you do if he says he's still in love with you? "
I looked away. "What's with your questions? Are you some kind of a psychic that can see the future now? "
She snickered. "Call it second sight…well, some consider it a curse. I don't want to frighten you, but I have a feeling… that he and you will meet again… "
I groaned. "Doubt it. "
She giggled as she made me face her. "Give me a kiss… you should do it expertly now, since you've been spending time with me… "
I did and soon, we had a tongue match, when we caught our breaths, she hugged me.
"You said you don't want to fall in love again… if… if… if that day comes that no one would own your heart… just call me… I'll be here… "
I glanced downwards as I hugged her back. "I will… thank you… Vika… I truly wish I can love you back…"
What a couple a fools we are!
I really hate it when Vika is right.
True to her words, I met the last person that I wanted to see. You. My old flame Masamune Saga, now Takano. You're every inch of a man now, and very much determined to make me say I love you all over again…
Seemed like lady luck asked for payment after giving me all the luck in my earlier years.
Okay, first thing's first. The moment I came back from England, I immediately started working for my dad. And since I am his son, I was given the roster of best selling authors, authors like Akihiko Usami and Sumi sensei came to my hands in a snap.
I worked hard just like everybody else, but like Sen told me, there will always be people that will be jealous of someone's success.
I heard it clearly, the way they accused me of riding coattails and the like. Their accusations would've devastated a younger me.
But…
I wasn't that kid from ten years ago, I'm a man now, I should just shrug it off and move on as if I didn't hear anything, but their comments made me think twice.
A decision that I very much regret…
Now that I realized it, it made me think of what will happen if I traversed outside Onodera Shuppan? Will I also be talented and find success using my own merits?
Deciding to venture and try the life outside, I resigned from Onodera and transferred to Marukawa Shoten.
And to my surprise, I got assigned to the Shoujo Manga department! Talk about bad luck! I was never interested in love stories and I never read any manga before!
So what the hell happened?
Not only that, the boss is so overly tyrannical and demanding. And even sexually assaulted me by French kissing me in front of a manga creator just to show a perfect example!
My life literally sucked.
Not only that, third day after my job, I found that my boss turned out to be my first love in middle school! Talk about the terrors of all terrors. Why didn't I see it before?
Why didn't I notice that it was you?
And now, you had the gall to tell me 'I'll make you say you love me again!'
For some reason, Marukawa started to become my personal hell on earth.
I didn't think that I would last this long in Shoujo manga department.
I have no problem with my coworkers, they are a good bunch, but what bothers me is that, you, 'my boss', is trying to seduce me at every chance that you can get. Kissing me, hugging me, cuddling me, forcing me to your apartment and bedding me (just my luck that you happened to be my next door neighbor as well! )
Great work at keeping your resolve, Ritsu! Har har har!
To make matters worse, your bestfriend Yokozawa started to tell me that I should get away from you! Pfft! As if, I'm the one who's running away and pushing you away out of my life, I never wanted to deal with you anymore outside work, but you keep on going after me, if your friend had problems, he should tell it to you, not me.
Somewhere in my heart, I wanted to ask why you kept on bothering yourself to me, with your looks, you can have as many lovers as you want. You shouldn't even bother yourself pursuing me…
And yet… you still go after me…
No matter how much I push you away…
I hugged my pillow as I thought about it… I wanted to smack myself over and over again for getting carried away when it comes to you.
As much as I hated it, my heart kept on pounding at the sight of you, even at the fact that I didn't know you were the boy I fell in love with years ago, my heart thudded at the sight of you.
But…
I tried my best. I wanted it all about work, but somehow, my plans keep on messing up…
You keep on messing me up…
I'm such a foolish… foolish guy…
This is pretty bad…
I kept on falling for you as days pass by. Why? Why can't I stop?
I rejected you… countless of times, but you didn't give up, still very determined that you want to be with me…
I clenched my fists… my resolve starts to weaken now, I'm not as forceful in pushing you away as before, I wanted to get away from you… I don't want to ever fall for you again…
Everytime you're telling me you're in love with me, I can't help thinking about the future, what if you got tired of me and dump me again? You told me you never got bored of me and dumped me, you kept on forcing me to accept your love…
Then what?
I don't know what's happening to me anymore, I started to doubt, even myself about my decision of not falling in love, but you kept on reminding me those sinful words, you keep on telling me that you wanted to be with me… you wanted to be a part of me…
Stop teasing me…
Stop caring for my well being when I know you really don't…
Stop encouraging me…
Stop involving yourself with me… you have Yokozawa right? Go to him…
Stop filling my head with delusions that I know will never happen…
Stop making me dream about you…
Stop making me say that you love me and making me hope…
Stop… stop… stop… just… stop…
Why aren't you listening to me?
Why do you keep on making me and forcing me to admit that I love you?
I'm not the Ritsu Oda that you knew before…
You've assassinated that foolish boy!
I gritted my teeth.
I wanted to kill this heart of mine, kill it and bury it six feet underground so that it'll never fall for you again…
I hate that I love you this much after all these years…
God… I love you…
I love you…
I love you…
I love you…
Are you happy now? You must feel pride for yourself, because even though I don't tell you those words, I put myself in the line just to keep you.
I hate you for that.
Such foolish heart…
Days passed by and it was almost a year since I transferred to Marukawa…
Almost a year of nothing but contemplating myself about confessing to you.
I looked at the cherry blossoms in the park, it was early morning and not many people are around, I sat on the nearby bench and looked at it.
I wonder… if you remembered the days that we looked and read under these trees…
One petal fell from the branch, and unknowingly, I took it on my palm.
So beautiful… so delicate…
The people around me kept on telling me to move on.
I did move on, until you came to my life once again and I started to doubt myself if I can still be capable of falling in love…
And capable of falling in love with you…
When you told me that during that rainy day that you tried to find me, I was touched, very touched, I didn't know… that I affected you that much…
We were only together for a short time…
How weird… yet despite that short time, we felt like we belonged together…
I wanted to stop lying to myself… lying to you…
But could I? Could I fall in love again?
"Onodera… "
I widened my eyes, no it couldn't be…
"I was looking for you… " You said as you sat next to me, immediately, I moved to the edge of the bench. Far from you.
That pissed you of all of a sudden, but I didn't care.
"Why are you looking for me? " I asked halfheartedly.
"Because I don't want you collapsing again. "
"I told you I can take care of myself. "
You raised your brows at me. "Like you're one to talk. Who was it that collapsed again and ahd to receive an IV drip? "
I looked away. "Why are you doing this? "
"Because I'm worried about you. "
I let out a sarcastic smile. "If I'm troubling you this much, you might as well leave me alone, wouldn't that be much better? "
You looked at me. "What's with you? Am I not allowed to get worried when someone I love so much suddenly collapses? "
"Stop saying those words! " I screamed back at you. "Why are you doing this? Why do you keep on involving yourself on me? "
You looked at me straight in the eye. "Why? Because I'm in love with you. "
There you go again...
"Stop… " I said in a shaking voice… "Please… stop making me hope… stop…making a fool out of me… "
You went nearer and took my arms in your hands. "I did not make a fool out of you, why can't you understand that? "
"You think you're the only one who had it rough? " I hissed at him as I snatched my arms away. "I had it rough too! Stop rubbing on my face that you I had no idea what you felt in ten years because I did so too! You have no idea how much I suffered…you have no idea what took me… how I worked so hard… just to stop myself from ending my own life… you… have no idea… of what kind of a fool I am when it comes to you…"
I felt your arms around me again and pulled me into your embrace. The tears that I've been trying to suppress came out in floods, and you just stayed there, hugging me, making me comfortable… and so… loved.
I felt your lips in my hair.
"We both suffered… " I heard you say. "It's already long enough, why can't you just move on and admit that you love me already? "
"Like I would! " I cried.
I felt you smile. "Stop crying idiot. "
"This is all your fault! "
You hugged me tighter. "Then I'm willing to pay you back… with my love… " You said as you released me and cupped my cheeks and made me look at you. "We were both pained… but you know what? I refused to give up… "
"Why? "
You smiled as you kissed my forehead. "Because I'm also a fool who is foolishly in love with you. "
I found my lips smiling. "Are you telling me we're both fools? "
"Yeah… "
I found myself laughing. "You're too twisted, you know that? "
You hugged me again…
"I love you… now and forever… foolish Ritsu… stop going back to the past, we both know that we cannot change it no matter what we do, if you ask me, let's just begin our story again, but this time, let's make that story worth it. "
I looked at the ground. "I'm not sure… if I can still fall in love… "
"You are now… you're just refusing to accept it… "
"I don't know… if I can pick up myself again if you… break up with me again… " I admitted as I looked at you in the eye.
You caressed my cheeks "Neither am I… "
"If I say 'I love you' to you right now… will you vow to me that you won't… play with my feelings again? "
You frowned. "I never played with your feelings. But if you want assurance, then you can have my vow that I won't. Besides, am I not loyal to you up until now? "
"I'll kill you if you hurt me again. " I threatened.
You laughed as you hugged me close again. "Yes, yes, are you going to confess your love to me now? The way you looked at me earlier was so alluring… "
I clutched your shirt again. "I want to believe in you…"
"You should… "
I smiled. "Then I love you… "
You released me and looked at me expectedly.
"Say it again… "
"I love you… Masamune Takano… " I said with my wholeheartedly. "I'll always be… a foolish guy who is hopelessly in love with you. "
I saw your hazel eyes sparkle in happiness as you encaged me in your arms again.
"I love you too… and I'll always be your foolish lover… Ritsu… " You said as I felt your heartbeat accelerate.
And then, you took my chin and kissed my lips, your kiss full of passion and love that I can't help but to respond.
It's been long enough…
I keep on fighting you, making myself believe that I wasn't a fool anymore…
But in the end…
I'm still a fool…
A fool who is madly and irrevocably in love with you…
Thank you for reading!
I've always wondered what was Ritsu's life after the break up. Sorry for the long one shot!