Author's note: Inspired by Liouxhin's doujin Guo Jie which touches on American political and economic analysts' obsession with the Russia-China connection, and because I badly wanted to do an 'Ask Russia and China' interactive kind of fic, I came up with this idea of Alfred interviewing Ivan and Yao on a call-in talkshow for his new Russia-China book.

I wanted to base the title off one such existing book about Russia-China relations, so I googled Russia-China, and lo and behold, I came across this article http_ :/_/www_reuters_com/article/idUSTRE64R4Y520100528 "Why Russia and China will eat your Lunch". Apart from it being such a funny and eye-catching title, it's a review on a book called "The End of the Free Market", which discusses China and Russia's State Capitalism. Due to the nature of the book and article, I think the title is very apt for this story. And it reflects Alfred's desire to warn the world against anything related to Communism. However, do note that this story has nothing to do with State Capitalism or Communism.

I'm mostly trying to keep this below T, but there will be sexual innuendos and sexual references, considering how um... perverted many Rochu fans are.

I'm sorry, I really know I should try to finish up existing fics, but I just wanted to start this soooo badly XD I will get back to Taming the Polar Bear and all the fics I promised to write soon!

Axis Powers Hetalia (C) Hidekaz Himaruya. The plot is mine though, and subsequent ideas will eventually stem from readers, so don't copy it or 'adapt' it without permission.
All characters are not representative of the countries whose names they coincidentally share.

Chapter 1: A Very Bad Start

"China, Russia, I can't thank you both enough for agreeing to appear on my talk show!" America gushed as he ushered his two important guests into their seats in the studio.

"Anything to stop you from harrassing me about my currency aru," China sighed as he sat down on the couch and crossed his legs elegantly.

"I'll stop bugging you about it if my book sells well enough to repay all my debts," America nodded eagerly, idiot hair bouncing cheerfully.

"Wouldn't that take forever da?" Russia remarked as he took his seat beside China. "China, are you sure you don't want me to help you put an end to his harrassment? It won't take long. Kolkolkolkol~"

America paled as Russia shot him a sweet smile, a smile contradictory to his intimidating action of tapping his water pipe against his palm.

"No no, Russia, I'm too old for another World War aru. Thanks but no, thanks," China hastily said. America heaved a sigh of relief. He knew that in actuality, China would have no qualms bringing on his Shaolin moves if angered, and was thankful for China's usually peaceful personality.

"Now that we're all agreeable that there will be no aggression, can I get the cameras to start rolling?" America asked. "I'm kind of running on a tight budget."

"Don't we have a script aru?"

"There's no need for a script. You both just be yourselves!" Settling down in the host's seat adjacent to Russia, America signalled to his production crew.

"Lights, Camera, Action!"

America beamed into the camera, two rows of white, straight teeth twinkling merrily.

"Good evening! I'm Alfred F. Jones and you're watching my talk show Hero of the World! Tonight I have with us two very dangerous - China arched an eyebrow and Russia tapped his waterpipe faster - sorry, very important guests, China and Russia! Round of applause please!"

Mechanical applause echoed throughout the studio until the sound effects technician turned it off.

"The title of today's talk show is "Why Russia and China will Eat Your Lunch"! We're going to touch on..."

"Why Russia and China will Eat Your Lunch? What sort of title is that da?" Russia cocked his head in response to the strange title.

"Aiya why would I want to eat your lunch aru? Hamburgers are the most disgusting and unhealthy food in the world aru!" China scoffed.

"It's just an allegory. Besides, hamburgers rock the world! You guys don't appreciate them because they're food for heroes!" America said haughtily.

"An allegory of what exactly aru?"

"Of you both being so formidable together that you'll end up killing everyone else. In other words, I'm calling your partnership a powerful one. Happy?"

"Hmm... it makes us sound evil though aru..."

"If you want a better allegory, try "Why Russia will Eat China"~ I'll be glad to supply you with material to publish enough books to get you out of debt in one month, free of charge too ~" Russia said cheerfully.

A red-faced China opened his mouth to retort, but was interrupted by America.

"Would you really?" Dollar signs appeared in America's blue eyes. "That's a deal! Let's meet at Starbucks after the talkshow for a private chat? My treat..."

"If you dare publish even one book, I'll ban it from my land! You'll lose out on the world's biggest consumer market and the publishing fees will bankrupt you aru!" China threatened.

"Who cares? You've already banned so many of my books and films anyway. Besides, Hungary is sure to buy up the whole lot if the content is what I think it is," America said confidently.

"Oh it is, it is~" Russia beamed. "You know how much I adore showing the world that China is mine~"

"I'm not yours! You're both ganging up against me aru! This isn't fair! I refuse to do this talkshow!" China got to his feet and made to stomp off.

"Wah! I'm sorry China! Don't walk out on me now! I took a loan just to produce this talkshow!" America cried. Suspicions towards the Communist nation and ex-Communist nation kicking in, he couldn't help wondering if Russia was merely messing with him to get him into even deeper debt. Russia had proven himself to be very intelligent and cunning, and his nuclear arms race had been one of the reasons that America was still swimming in debts. Russia could not possibly be so kind to share his and China's private life with him just to get him out of debt.

"Russia, we'll shelf that for now all right? I just need to get this show done and over with. You don't want China to lock you out of his house right?" America said.

China "hmmphed" but sat back down on the couch. Russia stuck out his lower lip.

"So, back to the show! Why Russia will Eat China! No, I mean, Why Russia and China will Eat Your Lunch!" America flashed a megawatt smile at the camera.

In a bid to create some form of formal introduction for his guests, America proceeded to explain their geographical location, "China is based in the South of the Indian Ocean while Russia..."

China groaned. "Aiya! I don't live on the South of the Indian Ocean aru! That's Antarctica! I'm in the North aru!"

"Really? But my map here says..." America took out a map from his pocket and scrutinized it carefully. He tilted it one way. He flipped in around. He turned it 360 degrees, but he still could not locate China's house.

"You've got a map of America, da," Russia said sardonically, having noticed at a glance that his obviously massive house was missing from the defective world map.

"Gee, I distinctively asked the Walmart staff for a World Map," America crumpled up the map and threw it aside.

"Honestly, I can't believe that after all these years, you still don't know where my house is aru!" China shook his head.

"And why exactly should America know where China's house is? What have you two been doing together all these years? Kolkolkolkol~" Russia said ominously, his tone dripping with jealousy.

"Aiya! What I mean is, I've been around for so long that everyone knows I'm below you aru!"

The purple haze around Russia evaporated. Russia looked alarmingly happy.

"Da~ It's true everyone knows that I always top you, but America doesn't know apparently~ so we will show him da?"

Without warning, Russia shoved China into a lying-down position and began fiddling with the buttons on his collar.

"Aiya! What the hell are you doing aru! We're on air!" China cried as he tried to push Russia away.

"Stop it! This is live telecast and my show is on prime time TV!" America shouted agitatedly.

"Exactly~ I told you, didn't I? I love showing the world that China is mine~ Kolkolkolkol~"

Following a loud ripping sound of silk brocade, America yelled "Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial!"

A Macs commercial appeared on the screen, not before China's yells of 'Noooooo aru!" echoed through every American living room with a television set.

To be continued...

And that concludes Chapter 1! In the next Chapter, Russia and China will start taking questions from the audience, so you're all invited to call in (write in) with questions! Please limit yourselves to 1 question per review only (don't leave multiple reviews obviously), unless they are very closely related or follow-up questions. America will try his very best to make Russia and China answer all your questions! You're welcome to come up with the most perverted, wildest, silliest, funniest whatsoever questions your mind can dream up. Anything! As long as the questions are Rochu-related. This is a Russia x China fic after all!