A Parody on all Things Legolas
By
Lilly McShepin
Pre-read by her sister Cathie and her cousin Phoebe
...and Salogel and Nrogara
I have become thoroughly annoyed with all the cliché stories about Legolas. I have refrained from blasting the authors in a review, because that is not nice and it isn't their fault... okay, it is. But it still isn't nice. O.O
Once upon a time, Aragorn – foster son of Elrond, decided to go to Mirkwood. Forget the fact that the journey would, realistically, take a few days, he appears there by nightfall. And the reason why he is going to Mirkwood? No reason. He just is. All alone. Despite the fact that Mirkwood elves don't like humans and it is VERY dangerous.
Suddenly, lots of orcs/wargs/spiders attack Aragorn! Although he was surprised and was nowhere near his weapon, he is suddenly all battle ready and starts killing them all! WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN – after he has managed to kill tons of them without ANY injury, he suddenly is overwhelmed and is about to be killed/taken hostage/eaten by the orcs/wargs/spiders WHEN AN ELF APPEARS!
{Insert two page description of beautiful elf killing all the orcs/wargs/spiders with ease while looking as yummy as a box of chocolate}
When all the orcs/wargs/spiders are dead, the beautiful elf walks over to Aragorn and is VERY mean to him. He doesn't like humans. He thinks they are VERY bad because of some traumatic experience that had happened to him that you learn through a series of VERY confusing flash-backs.
But, even though the beautiful elf whose name you suddenly learn is LEGOLAS (yes, he goes from MYSTERIOUS elf to Legolas in less than three seconds) HATES humans, he decides that Aragorn should come with him to the king! And, yes. Legolas knows Aragorn's name although it is supposed to be a big secret, him being Arathorn's son – Islidur's heir and all that.
So they get to the castle that is surrounded by elves that aren't described at all other than BEAUTIFUL or VERY BEAUTIFUL or BEAUTIFUL EVEN BY ELVEN STANDARDS. There, you learn that Legolas is the prince. Aragorn is taken to the king who is Legolas' father.
(Insert three page description of how beautiful and proud and dignified Thranduil is and then how similar Legolas and him are.)
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING of real importance happens when Aragorn and Thranduil meet. So you get skipped forward a few hours later when Aragorn is going to go to sleep. Here, through some way, Aragorn learns about Legolas' HORRIBLE, TRAUMATIC, ANGST filled past. It usually involves rape/siblings/lost love/imprisonment/torture/something to do with his mother who has a VERY cheesy elvish name.
AND THEN – BY SOME MIRACLE – THE COLD, STONE HEART OF LEGOLAS CRUMBLES REVEALING A SOFT, GUSHY, CHERRY FILLED INSIDE OF LOVE! Legolas and Aragorn become BEST BUDDIES within a few days, defeating the prejudice of the Mirkwood elves that had lasted for hundreds of years!
SOMEHOW – Aragorn is captured by orcs! Legolas must go and save him (single handedly) and somehow HE TOO is captured!
(Here you get one entire chapter of elf prince torture and then another entire chapter of ranger torture and then another chapter of elf prince torture.)
BUT even in their weakened and gory state, they manage to escape and kill almost ALL of the orcs, when ONE SINGLE SOLITARY ORC manages to almost kill Aragorn! Legolas jumps in front of him and takes the blow instead! He receives a horrible, gory wound that is not realistic at all and it should most assuredly kill the beautiful, angst filled prince of Mirkwood.
But because Aragorn is the TRUE KING OF GONDOR and the hands of a king are the hands of a healer blah blah LEGOLAS IS SAVED! AND HE HAS A MIRACULOUS RECOVERY WITHIN ONE TO TWO DAYS! (Three days maximum.)
AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER!
I couldn't help myself. I had to release SOME of my frustration! Please review. I'm turning twenty tomorrow, that has to count for SOMETHING! Come on, give me a birthday present! Oh oh! And please read some of the other stories I have posted... *puppy dog face* I have learned that I have had over 312 visitors and I have had a total of 4 reviews... sad...