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Fuck. This can't be real. This can't be happening. I was supposed to go places. I as supposed to do things. So many wonderful things. I was supposed to travel the world with Harry and Ron after Graduation next year. I was supposed to get a good job. I was supposed to settle down with a loving husband and two perfect children. I was supposed to settle down with Ron. We were going to have one boy and one girl.
I had it all planned. Everything was going to be absolutely perfect. We were going to own a beautiful house. We were going to invite Harry and Ginny around for Sunday lunch. Our children were going to be best friends with theirs. I was going to co-ordinate the names. The boy's name was going to begin with the letter H to match my own and the girl's name was going to begin with R to match her father. I was thinking of having a girl named…Rose.
Ron gave me a rose on our first date. He said it reminded him of me because it was so beautiful. And because it had thorns. He said I was a little prickly sometimes, especially around that time of the month. Needless to say, it was bad timing. I took extreme offense and wouldn't speak to him for a week. Luckily enough, he was smart enough to stay away from the firing line. Although, I sometimes have my suspicions that Harry was the one to advise him on that count. Ron has always been a bit dense when it comes to that sort of thing.
I was so happy. I don't know why I did what I did. I hadn't planned it. I didn't even think I liked him. Correction-I don't like him. Never have, never will. Not in that way. Not in any way. Not as a friend and certainly not as a lover. He's horrible. A selfish brute. An egotistical bastard. And I can't, for the life of me, figure out why I did it. Why I degraded myself. Why I spat on my relationship with Ron. And for what? Fifteen minutes of meaningless sex?
The waiting is the killer. Am I or am I not? What will I do if I am? Should I tell Ron? That would be the right thing to do, of course, but it would break his heart. I don't want to be the one to cause him sadness. I have no idea what I've turned in to. But I don't like it. Not one bit. This isn't me. I'm the good girl. The one who gets good grades and is kind and generous to her friends. I'm not the whore of Draco Malfoy. And maybe, just maybe, I'm being too hard on myself. It was just one slip-up after all. Just one tiny blemish to taint my past. It could happen to anyone, right? But it didn't. It happened to me. This isn't what my parents raised me to be. This wasn't my plan for my life. This isn't who I am.
But maybe it is. Maybe I'm just one of those girls who can't stay with a good guy. Maybe I just like being treated badly. He didn't say goodbye afterwards. He didn't leave a note. He got what he wanted and I was left to pick up the pieces. I'm the one who has to face the consequences. He probably doesn't even think about it. Why would he? He's probably had a dozen other girl's legs open before him by now. I was nothing but one more distraction.
Please. Just give me one drop. One tiny little drop on blood on the sanitary towel. Please. I can't do this. I'm sixteen. My parents will hate me. Ron will turn his back on me and Harry won't even be able to look at me. I know it. I can't do this. Please, God, I can't. Please.
It was a mistake. A stupid, unforgiveable mistake. And now people will hate me. They'll whisper about me behind my back. They'll never look at me the same again. Do I really deserve this?
I'm scared. Actually terrified. Petrified even. I've been waiting for a week. I've been sitting here, slowly going insane for an entire week. Time has never gone so slowly for me before. God, I hope it never does again. I want this to be over. I want to know, one way or another. I can't do this any longer. It's excruciating and it's only getting worse with each passing second. The clock over the door goes tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. It feels like it's counting down the seconds to my impending doom.
Either that or a baby. What am I supposed to do with a baby? I'll have to drop out of Hogwarts. Jane, I mean mother, won't want me to stay with her and my dad. She wouldn't want to neighbours to find out that her daughter's a slut. She won't see it any other way. I'll just be a disappointment. A failure. She only wants to know me when I've achieved something she can boast about to Mrs. Jefferies from next-door. She won't understand. Jane Granger doesn't make mistakes. She wouldn't have been as stupid as me. She wouldn't have been stupid enough to get …pregnant. No, scratch that. She would never have been stupid enough to go to bed with someone like Draco Malfoy in the first place. She always told me not to get into bed with a man without a wedding ring on my finger.
Maybe I should have listened to her.
If I had, I wouldn't be racked with this guilt, facing the prospect of bringing up a child alone and feeling sick to the stomach with the fact that Draco Malfoy had taken my virginity. Not my boyfriend. My enemy. And the worst thing was that I have given it to him, handed it on a platter and served it up for dinner. I have willingly let him devour my innocence and I had lain there moaning and screaming his name as he had done so.
I came. I came for Draco Malfoy. It was indescribable. More than I ever thought possible. But I knew when I woke up to the deserted bed the next morning that it was wrong. I had curled up in a ball. I didn't cry though. I was still numb from the…experience. It was still too raw. I couldn't believe it. I forced myself to believe that it was just a dream. A nightmare. But then I saw him in class. He smirked at me. That smirk told me that it had happened. That it had meant nothing. He looked at me like I was something he had scraped off the end of his shoe, like I was worse than nothing.
And I felt it. I really did.
And here I am. Just waiting. Listening to the seconds pass on the old clock.
Please, please God, please don't let me be pregnant. I know I've never been very holy. I've never gone to mass. Never prayed regularly. I only talk to you when I want something. And why should you listen to one more Prayer of Petition? Who am I to make demands?
Just give me one drop of blood. One tiny drop. I've never wanted to feel period cramps so badly in my entire life.
Please.
Please.
Please…
Thanks for Reading!
Lots of Love,
Shadowdustxxx