Letting Off Steam at Christmas

Jack has some pet hates ...

Jack Harkness was trying out a new weapon, one he'd seized from a visiting Newok. The creature had had the effrontery to claim diplomatic immunity and that had irritated Jack intensely when his mood was none too good in the first place. As a result the weapon was in his hand and the Newok was in the cells. Jack aimed at the target, which he'd changed from the usual Weevil. Four targets were lined up at increasing distances away from him and each had a different face on it, copies of photographs he'd printed out earlier.

He looked through the sight and the face of Owen Harper came into focus. Jack smiled, he was so looking forward to this. He lovingly squeezed the trigger and pure energy shot from the barrel and the face was obliterated in an instant. The backwash of heat surprised Jack and he pulled back a pace or two.

"What's he done to piss you off now?" called Gwen Cooper. She was standing behind the barrier at the entrance to the firing range, gaze level.

"If I hear Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer or Frosty the Snowman one more time I swear it'll be him I vaporise." He said this with a grim smile.

"I'm with you on that," she agreed, walking towards him. "Can't you turn off the speakers from his PC?"

"I wish I could. Had Tosh working on it all day yesterday and all this morning and even she can't figure out how he's doing it." He shrugged, "And it's only 7 December. What's it going to be like for the next fortnight?"

She shuddered at the thought. "Maybe if we ignore it, he'll stop?" She did not sound confident.

He just gave her a pitying look and checked the weapon. It was fully charged again and he moved back to his position, taking aim at the second target.

"Hold on." She put an arm on his and took a long look at the target. "Who's that?"

"Prince Albert, husband of Queen Victoria." He grinned and pulled the trigger and another target was gone. He saw her puzzled look. "It's because of him we have all the Christmas palaver. He introduced trees and cards. Well, not sure about the cards but he'll do. Because of him I'm being bombarded with the things. Little snowy scenes and robins and women with babies. Ugh."

She laughed. "Did you ever meet Charles Dickens?" He shook his head. "Oh, thought he had you in mind when he created Scrooge." She looked at the next target and her eyes widened. "Me? What have I done? I deliberately didn't send you a card after all the fuss you've been making and I haven't bought you a present either. Again, as per your orders." She stood with arms crossed staring at him.

Jack grinned wickedly. "Oh, you're one of the worst of my Christmas hates." He checked the weapon again, not quite charged.

"Why?"

"Because you volunteered to work on Christmas Day. I always work then - alone. So I can avoid the ersatz gaiety and bonhomie. I can sit here in the Hub and quietly do a jigsaw puzzle. I like them, they're relaxing and I've treated myself to a new 2,000 piece one. It'll take me all day. And now you're going to be here, just because you want to avoid Christmas with your soon to be in-laws." He turned, took aim and fired. Her smiling face dissolved.

She laughed, an unrestrained sound that echoed off the brick tunnel. "I don't want to spoil your fun, tame as it is, and surely the Hub is big enough for both us fugitives."

He looked at her suspiciously. "What did you have in mind?"

"I want to read the new Sue Grafton in peace and quiet, scoff some Ferrero Rocher and down a bottle of red. You want to do your puzzle. I'll toss you for the Boardroom."

"It's yours. I prefer my office." He stuck out a hand and they shook on it, both grinning broadly.

"There, see. You didn't have to use me for target practice." She turned to the last target and her mouth opened in a surprised 'O'. "Ianto?" she queried.

"Yep." Jack checked the weapon.

"Why?"

"Because he's having his parents to lunch this year."

She waited but no more information was forthcoming. "And? What is it? Has he asked you to go too?"

Jack looked at her with scorn, "You're kidding. Made it very clear I wasn't welcome."

"And you wanted to go?"

He rolled his eyes. "No, of course I didn't. For the past three weeks he's been writing lists. Lists of presents to buy. Lists of food to buy. Lists of what he has to do: put up decorations, clean the flat, shampoo the dog."

"He hasn't got a dog."

Jack carried on, ignoring her, "Christmas card lists. Timetable lists: when has to pick them up, when to put the turkey in the oven, put the sprouts on. He is driving me mad with his lists!" He swung the weapon up and fired from the hip, the whole target disappearing in a burst of energy.

There was a discreet cough from behind them. "Excuse me. It's time for your call to the Prime Minister," Ianto announced.

"How long have you been there?" asked Jack, swinging round to look at him.

"Long enough to see you kill me in effigy."

There was silence between them and Gwen's eyes flicked from one to the other. Were they really mad at one another?

Jack put down the weapon. "Clean up down here," he said as he walked to the door.

"I'll put it on my list," replied Ianto.

Gwen spluttered with laughter, Jack shot him a dirty look that dissolved into a broad grin while Ianto maintained a straight face but there was a twinkle in his eye.

Merry Christmas