It's been two months. Two months to the day since Brittany broke up with her, she'd say since Brittany broke her heart, but she knows she's just as much to blame. If not more so. To commiserate the day, Santana does the same thing she's been doing every day for the past two months; she digs out one of her shortest, most inappropriate dresses, straightens her hair and does her make-up, all while knocking back as much vodka as she can consume before her cab arrives. She's almost on a first name basis with the cab drivers now, and tonight she gets lucky. It's Jack. Jack's an easy going guy, he doesn't leer at her when she clambers in, and he doesn't give her a sympathetic eye via the rear view mirror when he ends up picking her up in the early hours of the morning. He doesn't even say anything about the revolving door of women that she finds herself going home with, or taking home to the apartment she shares with Rachel.
Rachel of course, doesn't feel the same way. In the beginning her roommate was almost always waiting for her, whether she dragged herself through the door at 1am or 9am Rachel always seemed to be there with the same unimpressed face, the same look of pity and disappointment. At first she thinks that it because Rachel cares, and she does, it just takes Santana a while to realise that Rachel worries more about having random strangers in her house and being woken up in the middle of the night. Sometimes, when she's had particularly heavy night, when alcohol isn't the only substance flowing through her vein, she lets herself believe that Rachel is there waiting for her to make sure she's safe. Eventually though, Rachel stops waiting and Santana stops pretending.
That's why it's such a surprise when, arriving home by herself for once, Santana finds Rachel in their kitchen. The apartment isn't that big, after all apartments in New York don't come cheap, so Santana only has to stumble in through the door to see Rachel; the tiny brunette humming to herself as she sets a bottle down on the counter.
"Are you drunk?" Santana stumbles forward, giggling at the slurred question, and plants herself against the kitchen counter, her eyes focusing on the bottle in Rachel's hand. "Is that vodka?"
Rachel doesn't seem surprised to see Santana, and if she is she hides it well. Shaking the glass container upside down she ends up tossing it in the bin. "Empty."
"Go figure," Santana sighs as she remembers she meant to pick a new bottle up. The last girl she brought back, Anna or Ani, had managed to down the last of it without Santana's permission before passing out on the couch. "There's beer." Pushing away from the counter she makes it to the fridge and pulls out two bottles, snapping the lid off she passes one to Rachel and raises the other to her lips.
It's probably the alcohol in her system, but it takes Santana a minute to realise how close to Rachel she is standing. She's practically invading the other girl's personal space. Still, she lingers, enjoying the warmth radiating from the smaller frame as her eyes roam.
"You're staring," Rachel whispers as she tilts her head to look at Santana.
Santana gulps down first sip of her beer, setting the bottle on the side next to Rachel's she shrugs. "So what if I am?" She curses internally, her alcohol induced courage overriding her normal denial. For a second she's reminded of Brittany's words, the blondes heartbroken sobs still clear in her mind, You stare at her all the time, and you can't even admit it. She remembers not having a comeback for that. She's broken from the painful memories when Rachel steps closer, her lithe frame pressed impossibly close and arched against her. She has dreamt about it for longer than she dare to admit; the fantasy's, the daydreams, the hours spent envisioning how it would feel to have Rachel's body pressed up against her own. It's better than she ever dared imagine. Her breath catches in her chest as she looks down at Rachel and sees the lust hidden behind uncertainty.
"Santana…" Rachel exhales heavily, her chests heaving as her arms come up to wrap around the other girl's waist.
Santana's not used to feel so unsure of herself, in this situation she'd normally waste no time in making her move, she's done so countless times before. But this is Rachel. Rachel, who's in her arms with lips so close she can feel the smaller girl's breath against her own. Her arms feel weak as she places a shaking hand on Rachel's hip, the feeling of skin, warm to the touch, making her heart pound.
When their lips meet for the first time, Santana thinks her legs are going to give way. It's only for the fact Rachel has her pressed against the wall that she stays upright, her arms holding on tightly to the smaller girl as she grinds against her. She feels herself moan as Rachel's hand drifts from her waist and slips under her hem of her dress, fingers dancing across the smooth skin of her thigh. It's not the easiest, or more graceful, of moves that gets them from the kitchen wall to Santana's bedroom but considering how much she can feel herself trembling she's glad to make it there at all.
"Take off your dress," Rachel moans as she pulls away from Santana, her own hands already making short work of the dress confining her own body.
Santana doesn't need to be asked twice, she swiftly unzips and lets the fabric fall from her body, leaving her clad only in her underwear. She kicks off her shoes and looks up, catching Rachel as she mirrors her actions. Santana gasps, her eyes drifting over the other girl, the way her muscles flex and roll, and she takes a step towards her. She feels some of her confidence return as she draws Rachel to her, one hand wrapping around her tiny waist as the other runs through her hair, pulling Rachel as close to her as she can, the feel of skin against skin leaving her breathless.
Spurred on by the sound of Rachel moaning Santana lets her hand drift from Rachel's hair, across her shoulder blade, tracing gently over her breast, and down to her stomach. Lips peppering kisses across the smaller girl's jaw she meets Rachel's ear, sucking delicate flesh between her teeth and relishing the way Rachel arches into her. She wants, needs, more of Rachel and can't bare the clothes separating them anymore. She reaches around and releases the catch on Rachel's bra, smiling as Rachel slips it off and it drops to the floor, revealing perfectly hardened nipples. Dipping her head down she captures one in her mouth, tongue tracing across the tip as Rachel brings her hands up to hold her in place, head thrown back in pleasure. It's too much and not enough all at once, her body melding to Rachel's as she reaches down to slide Rachel's panties down smooth legs. Lifting her mouth from Rachel's breast she lets the other girl draw her back into a kiss, tongues dwelling as the smaller girl manoeuvres her backwards towards the bed. She gasps at the feeling of Rachel's hands ghosting across her skins as she rids her of her underwear, the gentle trace of fingertips as the last of her clothing hits the floor.
When they tumble back on to the bed together, limbs intertwined and bodies' glowing with a thin layer of sweat, Santana finds herself breathless, the image of Rachel hovering above her, more beautiful than she had even imagined, and she has imagined it often. She can barely keep up with everything, her mind racing and body burning with the need to keep Rachel's skin pressed against her own.
She can't stop the other girl's name tumbling from her lips as Rachel's hand traces down her stomach, dipping between her thighs to where Santana needs her most. Her breathing is erratic, and locking eyes with Rachel she arches her back as she feels Rachel's fingers slowly slip into the waiting wetness. Lifting her hand she cups Rachel's cheek and pulls the other girl down on top of her, lips crashing together as she pants, feeling the other girls fingers at her entrance. "Please."
She feels Rachel pause, pulling back to lock her eyes one more, balanced on one arm and bodies pressed tightly together she smiles. Santana doesn't hold back the loud moan that escapes as Rachel slowly pushes inside, her gaze never leaving Santana. On reflex her left arms reaches out, above her head, grasping at the headboard as she rocks her hips against Rachel's thrusts and her other hand holds on to the other girls hips.
"I-I…" Rachel groans, lips raking across Santana's neck.
Even though Rachel can't get the words out, it doesn't matter, Santana knows what she needs. Slipping her hand between their bodies, she closes her eyes as her fingers slip between Rachel's folds. She takes delight in the way Rachel bucks against her hand as she uses her finger to tease the other girl's clit, before letting her fingers drop to lower. She can hear Rachel grunting and groaning against her ear, fingers still moving deftly within Santana as she pleads for the other girl to touch her.
They both gasp as Santana gently pushes her fingers into Rachel, and Santana doesn't ever want to forget this feeling. She wraps her legs around Rachel, squeezing their bodies so close together she's not sure where Rachel ends and she begins, fingers moving deeply inside of each other, curling and thrusting as they work in unison. Santana wants it to last forever; the feel of Rachel's walls clenching around her fingers, the weight of the other girl pinning her down, and the way she moves inside of her.
Rachel comes undone first, her body quivering and shaking as she hovers over Santana, her mouth dropping open in screams of ecstasy as Santana does all she can to prolong the waves of pleasure. The arm supporting her weight unable to hold her up any longer she tumbles on top of Santana even as her other hand continues thrusting, working the other girl to her peak. The feeling of Rachel cumming is enough to push Santana over the edge, back arching and hips pushing against Rachel's hand, she screams Rachel's name. In the perfect moment of content that follows Santana closes her eyes, a smile plastered to her face even as they detangle themselves.
"Holy fuck," Rachel groans as she rolls off of Santana. Santana frowns and snaps her eyes open, head tilted to the side the watches as the other girl stretches out across her bed. Rachel never swears, and it's not exactly what she'd imagine to hear after being intimate with Rachel. She doesn't say anything though, happy to watch as Rachel slides under her sheets and buries her head against the pillow.
The next morning when Santana wakes up to cold sheets next to her, she knows the nausea that sends her speeding from her room and to the bathroom, stomach churning and clenching as she throws up, has nothing to do with the alcohol consumed the night before. When she pulls herself up from the floor, naked and exposed, she knows there isn't going to be note from Rachel by her bed. There isn't going to be a cup of coffee waiting for her in the kitchen and the smell of pancakes isn't about to start wafting through the apartment. She won't get to sink back into a warm bed and wrap her arms around the girl she's loves, the girl she gave up a chance of happiness with Brittany for.
Leaning against the sink she can't bear to meet her own eyes in the mirror, she can't stand to look at herself for fear of seeing what everyone else seems to see in her. What Brittany saw, Anna or Ani, and the countless and often nameless girl's from the past two months saw.
What Rachel sees.
The thought is enough to send her running back to the toilet, dry heaving and shaking as tears flood down her cheeks. She wishes someone would tell her what's so bad about her, what she's doing so wrong that sends people running from her.