Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone: The Condensed Version
MR AND MRS DURSLEY: We don't hold with rubbish, thank you very much!
MRS DURSLEY: Look at all the nonsense in the world today, flying motorcycles, baggy jeans, power tools, CDs...
MR DURSLEY: Quite right! I'll keep my eight-tracks any day of the week! Young muddleheads these days, never appreciating the power of Barry Manilow. What is this world coming to?
DUDLEY DURSLEY: Oh, a butterfly! Must pull its wings off.
HARRY POTTER: Hi.
THE DURSLEYS: SHUT UP!
HARRY POTTER: Right. I'll just go back in my cupboard here.
MRS DURSLEY: Too right you will. Oh no! Mrs. Figg's gone and been arrested for breaking the city ordinance on cats....I fear Harry will have to come along with us to Dudley's birthday party at the zoo.
HARRY: SCORE!
THE DURSLEYS: SHUT UP!
DUDLEY: But...but.....my friends will never understand the insurmountable burden of being related to a disproportionately pacified sop like Harry!
[at the zoo]
DUDLEY: But....the snake isn't *doing* anything! It's just sitting there like some non-sentient reptilian beast! The nerve!
HARRY: What an ironic situation, what with your being caged serving as a metaphor for my pathetic, regulated existence under the oppressive rule of the Dursleys!
SNAKE: I always thought my role was more demonstrative of the cruel world of zoos and how the importation of indigenous creatures into captivity proves--
DUDLEY: Look! The snake is debating ethics in the animal kingdom!
HARRY: Wouldn't it be great if you two could join in a discussion of the role of politics in the breeding of animals in captivity?
DUDLEY: Yeah, that would be co--
*splash*
DUDLEY: AAHH! Where did the glass go? My grasp on what is tangible has been irrevocably marred! AAAHH! THE PHYSICAL WORLD IS ALL AN ILLUSION!
HARRY: Well, there go my Playstation privileges.
THE DURSLEYS: DUDDY-KINS!
DUDLEY: O, that I should be born in this twisted world!
THE DURSLEYS: [to Harry] CLOSET! GO! NOW!
HARRY: Better to come in the closet than out, I say.
DUDLEY: I must retire to my bedroom and grieve over the tragedy that is my pained existence in such an uncivilized world.
------------
MR DURSLEY: Time for a seaside retreat!
DUDLEY: But.........NOVA is on!
MR DURSLEY: Chop chop! Time is money! Don't count your chickens before they hatch! A stitch in time saves nine!
DUDLEY: *bangs head on table*
MRS DURSLEY: Aw, he's excited!
-----------
MRS DURSLEY: Dear, are you sure you know the way?
MR DURSLEY: YES! Now hand me the crisps!
MRS DURSLEY: But dear, weren't we supposed to turn on Green and Fifth?
MR DURSLEY: I KNOW WHERE I'M GOING!
MRS DURSLEY: Are you sure you don't want to ask directions?
MR DURSLEY: I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE!
MRS DURSLEY: But if we're lost--
MR DURSLEY: WE! ARE! NOT! LOST!
DUDLEY: [mutters under his breath].....typical egotistical patriarch afraid of showing his weakness or vulnerability........oppresion.......infantile......plebians....
----------
MR DURSLEY: We're here!
DUDLEY: ....
HARRY: ....
MRS DURSLEY: ....
MR DURSLEY: Oh come now, Blackpool was too crowded.
DUDLEY: [fondly] I bet they're discussing quarks tonight...
---------
[Late at night]
HARRY: Happy 11th Birthday to me!
BANG!
DUDLEY: STEPHEN HAWKING ON A DIVING BOARD, WHAT WAS THAT?
THE DURSLEYS: AAAHHH! CHILD PROTECTION SERVICES!
HAGRID: Hi folks!
THE DURSLEYS: AAHHH! A BIG TALL MAN WITH LOTS OF HAIR! AAHHH!
HAGRID: *weeps* Oh, the humanity! Can't you see past the unconventional exterior to the heart within? Oh wait, that's later on......my bad. Anyway, Harry, happy birthday!
HARRY: Who are yo--CAKE!
DUDLEY: CAKE!
HAGRID: Not for you, fattie!
[a pig's tail appears on Dudley]
DUDLEY: O, my tortured soul! [runs away]
THE DURSLEYS: Ahhh!
HAGRID: Right, well I'm a man on a mission!
THE DURSLEYS: Noooooooo!
HARRY: What?
HAGRID: Well, it's time for Hogwarts.
HARRY: No thanks, I just had cake.
HAGRID: Haha, funny.
HARRY: I try.
HAGRID: I assume you're ready to go?
HARRY: Go where?
HAGRID: YE DIDN'T TELL EM ABOUT ANYTHING?
HARRY: ....
HAGRID: YE MEAN HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING?
HARRY: Well that's a bit of an exaggeration! I can do science and math and..
HAGRID: What's the square root of 169?
HARRY: 13.
HAGRID: What's the first four decimal places of pi?
HARRY: Point one four one five.
HAGRID: What's two plus two?
HARRY: Twenty-two.
HAGRID: But....you don't know about your parents?
HARRY: ...
THE DURSLEYS: AAAACCCCKKKKK..........
HAGRID: Harry, you're a wizard!
HARRY: Am not!
HAGRID: Are too!
HARRY: Am not! Or am I?
HAGRID: Are not!
HARRY: Ha!
HAGRID: Curses. Foiled again.
HARRY: Mmm, cake.
HAGRID: Really though, you are a wizard. Do things ever happen when you're sad or mad, things you can't help?
HARRY: Well I was looking at Susie Renton once and my--
HAGRID: No, not that! Other stuff! Weird stuff!
HARRY: Oh. Well, I changed the mayor into an attractive lamp once.
HAGRID: Ha! See?
HARRY: Oh. Neat-o!
THE DURSLEYS: No! We swore we'd make you normal when you ended up on our doorstep!
HARRY: You KNEW?
THE DURSLEYS: You think other parental guardians get letters home saying their charge transformed a public official into a CHANDELIER?
HARRY: IT WAS A TABLE LAMP!
THE DURSLEYS: No! We're not paying for his education!
HAGRID: Have ye never heard of the public schooling system? Crazy Muggles!
THE DURSLEYS: Will he disappear forever?
HAGRID: Well, eight or nine months of the year.
THE DURSLEYS: Oh. Well then!
HARRY: Score!
THE DURSLEYS: SHUT U--Er, sorry. Habit.
HAGRID: Right. Well, about your parents...
HARRY: Whatchoo say 'bout my momma?
HAGRID: .....
HARRY: Sorry. Continue.
HAGRID: Right. So, once, there was a wizard who went bad.
HARRY: Like, Rush Limbaugh bad?
HAGRID: Richard Simmons bad.
EVERYONE: [collective shudder]
HAGRID: So anyway, this wizard gets a lot of followers, and they start killing people. After a long time he--
HARRY: Who exactly is he?
HAGRID: Oh, don't make me say the name!
HARRY: Why?
HAGRID: Oh fine.
HARRY: ...
HAGRID: Voldemort. AACCCKKK!!!
HARRY: Right.
HAGRID:..........big......open.......spaces.....bunny rabbits......big, open spaces....
HARRY: So after Vol--Bad Guy started killing people, then what?
HAGRID: Well, he killed your parents.
HARRY: I thought it was a car crash!
HAGRID: CAR CRASH? YOUR PARENTS WERE GREAT WIZARDS! THEY ALWAYS BUCKLED UP! CAR CRASH??
HARRY: [cough]
HAGRID: So anyway, after he killed yer parents, he tried to kill you. And he couldn't! You stopped him somehow!
HARRY: Super ninja powers?
MRS DURSLEY: Bah! Did you ever change his diapers? He was right to stay away. The smell alone would have broken anyone.
HAGRID: Anyway, Harry broke his power somehow, and he went away and the sun came out and the mountains were made of rock candy and I won the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!
HARRY: LIAR!
HAGRID: WHAT?
HARRY: No one ever wins the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!
HAGRID: .....well, now you have to go to wizarding school.
HARRY: Coooool.
HAGRID: Hold on, must send Dumbledore the headmaster an owl.
HARRY: An owl?
HAGRID: It's how wizards communicate.
HARRY: Why not use email? It's faster and easier on those with allergies.
HAGRID: AAAHH! MUGGLE INVENTION! EEEEVIL!
HARRY: Can I go to bed?
HAGRID: Sure.
MR AND MRS DURSLEY: We don't hold with rubbish, thank you very much!
MRS DURSLEY: Look at all the nonsense in the world today, flying motorcycles, baggy jeans, power tools, CDs...
MR DURSLEY: Quite right! I'll keep my eight-tracks any day of the week! Young muddleheads these days, never appreciating the power of Barry Manilow. What is this world coming to?
DUDLEY DURSLEY: Oh, a butterfly! Must pull its wings off.
HARRY POTTER: Hi.
THE DURSLEYS: SHUT UP!
HARRY POTTER: Right. I'll just go back in my cupboard here.
MRS DURSLEY: Too right you will. Oh no! Mrs. Figg's gone and been arrested for breaking the city ordinance on cats....I fear Harry will have to come along with us to Dudley's birthday party at the zoo.
HARRY: SCORE!
THE DURSLEYS: SHUT UP!
DUDLEY: But...but.....my friends will never understand the insurmountable burden of being related to a disproportionately pacified sop like Harry!
[at the zoo]
DUDLEY: But....the snake isn't *doing* anything! It's just sitting there like some non-sentient reptilian beast! The nerve!
HARRY: What an ironic situation, what with your being caged serving as a metaphor for my pathetic, regulated existence under the oppressive rule of the Dursleys!
SNAKE: I always thought my role was more demonstrative of the cruel world of zoos and how the importation of indigenous creatures into captivity proves--
DUDLEY: Look! The snake is debating ethics in the animal kingdom!
HARRY: Wouldn't it be great if you two could join in a discussion of the role of politics in the breeding of animals in captivity?
DUDLEY: Yeah, that would be co--
*splash*
DUDLEY: AAHH! Where did the glass go? My grasp on what is tangible has been irrevocably marred! AAAHH! THE PHYSICAL WORLD IS ALL AN ILLUSION!
HARRY: Well, there go my Playstation privileges.
THE DURSLEYS: DUDDY-KINS!
DUDLEY: O, that I should be born in this twisted world!
THE DURSLEYS: [to Harry] CLOSET! GO! NOW!
HARRY: Better to come in the closet than out, I say.
DUDLEY: I must retire to my bedroom and grieve over the tragedy that is my pained existence in such an uncivilized world.
------------
MR DURSLEY: Time for a seaside retreat!
DUDLEY: But.........NOVA is on!
MR DURSLEY: Chop chop! Time is money! Don't count your chickens before they hatch! A stitch in time saves nine!
DUDLEY: *bangs head on table*
MRS DURSLEY: Aw, he's excited!
-----------
MRS DURSLEY: Dear, are you sure you know the way?
MR DURSLEY: YES! Now hand me the crisps!
MRS DURSLEY: But dear, weren't we supposed to turn on Green and Fifth?
MR DURSLEY: I KNOW WHERE I'M GOING!
MRS DURSLEY: Are you sure you don't want to ask directions?
MR DURSLEY: I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE!
MRS DURSLEY: But if we're lost--
MR DURSLEY: WE! ARE! NOT! LOST!
DUDLEY: [mutters under his breath].....typical egotistical patriarch afraid of showing his weakness or vulnerability........oppresion.......infantile......plebians....
----------
MR DURSLEY: We're here!
DUDLEY: ....
HARRY: ....
MRS DURSLEY: ....
MR DURSLEY: Oh come now, Blackpool was too crowded.
DUDLEY: [fondly] I bet they're discussing quarks tonight...
---------
[Late at night]
HARRY: Happy 11th Birthday to me!
BANG!
DUDLEY: STEPHEN HAWKING ON A DIVING BOARD, WHAT WAS THAT?
THE DURSLEYS: AAAHHH! CHILD PROTECTION SERVICES!
HAGRID: Hi folks!
THE DURSLEYS: AAHHH! A BIG TALL MAN WITH LOTS OF HAIR! AAHHH!
HAGRID: *weeps* Oh, the humanity! Can't you see past the unconventional exterior to the heart within? Oh wait, that's later on......my bad. Anyway, Harry, happy birthday!
HARRY: Who are yo--CAKE!
DUDLEY: CAKE!
HAGRID: Not for you, fattie!
[a pig's tail appears on Dudley]
DUDLEY: O, my tortured soul! [runs away]
THE DURSLEYS: Ahhh!
HAGRID: Right, well I'm a man on a mission!
THE DURSLEYS: Noooooooo!
HARRY: What?
HAGRID: Well, it's time for Hogwarts.
HARRY: No thanks, I just had cake.
HAGRID: Haha, funny.
HARRY: I try.
HAGRID: I assume you're ready to go?
HARRY: Go where?
HAGRID: YE DIDN'T TELL EM ABOUT ANYTHING?
HARRY: ....
HAGRID: YE MEAN HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING?
HARRY: Well that's a bit of an exaggeration! I can do science and math and..
HAGRID: What's the square root of 169?
HARRY: 13.
HAGRID: What's the first four decimal places of pi?
HARRY: Point one four one five.
HAGRID: What's two plus two?
HARRY: Twenty-two.
HAGRID: But....you don't know about your parents?
HARRY: ...
THE DURSLEYS: AAAACCCCKKKKK..........
HAGRID: Harry, you're a wizard!
HARRY: Am not!
HAGRID: Are too!
HARRY: Am not! Or am I?
HAGRID: Are not!
HARRY: Ha!
HAGRID: Curses. Foiled again.
HARRY: Mmm, cake.
HAGRID: Really though, you are a wizard. Do things ever happen when you're sad or mad, things you can't help?
HARRY: Well I was looking at Susie Renton once and my--
HAGRID: No, not that! Other stuff! Weird stuff!
HARRY: Oh. Well, I changed the mayor into an attractive lamp once.
HAGRID: Ha! See?
HARRY: Oh. Neat-o!
THE DURSLEYS: No! We swore we'd make you normal when you ended up on our doorstep!
HARRY: You KNEW?
THE DURSLEYS: You think other parental guardians get letters home saying their charge transformed a public official into a CHANDELIER?
HARRY: IT WAS A TABLE LAMP!
THE DURSLEYS: No! We're not paying for his education!
HAGRID: Have ye never heard of the public schooling system? Crazy Muggles!
THE DURSLEYS: Will he disappear forever?
HAGRID: Well, eight or nine months of the year.
THE DURSLEYS: Oh. Well then!
HARRY: Score!
THE DURSLEYS: SHUT U--Er, sorry. Habit.
HAGRID: Right. Well, about your parents...
HARRY: Whatchoo say 'bout my momma?
HAGRID: .....
HARRY: Sorry. Continue.
HAGRID: Right. So, once, there was a wizard who went bad.
HARRY: Like, Rush Limbaugh bad?
HAGRID: Richard Simmons bad.
EVERYONE: [collective shudder]
HAGRID: So anyway, this wizard gets a lot of followers, and they start killing people. After a long time he--
HARRY: Who exactly is he?
HAGRID: Oh, don't make me say the name!
HARRY: Why?
HAGRID: Oh fine.
HARRY: ...
HAGRID: Voldemort. AACCCKKK!!!
HARRY: Right.
HAGRID:..........big......open.......spaces.....bunny rabbits......big, open spaces....
HARRY: So after Vol--Bad Guy started killing people, then what?
HAGRID: Well, he killed your parents.
HARRY: I thought it was a car crash!
HAGRID: CAR CRASH? YOUR PARENTS WERE GREAT WIZARDS! THEY ALWAYS BUCKLED UP! CAR CRASH??
HARRY: [cough]
HAGRID: So anyway, after he killed yer parents, he tried to kill you. And he couldn't! You stopped him somehow!
HARRY: Super ninja powers?
MRS DURSLEY: Bah! Did you ever change his diapers? He was right to stay away. The smell alone would have broken anyone.
HAGRID: Anyway, Harry broke his power somehow, and he went away and the sun came out and the mountains were made of rock candy and I won the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!
HARRY: LIAR!
HAGRID: WHAT?
HARRY: No one ever wins the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!
HAGRID: .....well, now you have to go to wizarding school.
HARRY: Coooool.
HAGRID: Hold on, must send Dumbledore the headmaster an owl.
HARRY: An owl?
HAGRID: It's how wizards communicate.
HARRY: Why not use email? It's faster and easier on those with allergies.
HAGRID: AAAHH! MUGGLE INVENTION! EEEEVIL!
HARRY: Can I go to bed?
HAGRID: Sure.