Lois Lane had never been a big fan of Christmas. It had nothing to do with the holiday, per se; she was in fact Christian, and she fully understood the importance of the birth of Christ. Gift giving, Santa Claus, Rudolph, Frosty...they were all wonderful, too. It was the fact that they tried to share the same day that drove her crazy.
After being pestered by her coworkers that "you at least need to have a tree, Lois," she bought a tree. A two-foot tall pink tree. It was adorable. And it rejected all its little green and red and gold brothers and sisters. Pink. And the tree loved being pink. And probably loved that it looked like a midget compared to all the presents that were sitting at its foot. She placed assorted blue, silver, and purple glass balls on it, and topped it off with frosty blue Christmas lights. It was a perfectly adorable tree, and now everyone could leave her alone about it.
It was Christmas Eve, and though not particularly keen on spending the evening by herself, she didn't really have anywhere to go. Her usual invites came from Clark, Perry, or Lucy. Lucy was still on a study abroad in Paris (spending her night with the new beau. Dominique? Paul? Marc? Whoever.), Clark had flown home to Kansas, Perry and Alice had taken off to see her folks in Maine. Jimmy had given her an invite, but Lois knew a few of Jimmy's friends, and she was of the firm belief that high school ended after graduation.
She didn't mind, however. In truth, she had other plans, much more interesting plans than standing around sipping eggnog with Bing Crosby Christmas albums in the background. Lois had a date with William—what was William's last name?—William something of other of Intergang. It was no party, but it was an Intergang meeting, and that definitely qualified as more interesting.
After Lois felt that her tree and had been properly admired, she turn on her heel and strutted into her bedroom, a display meant for no one, but just to help her get in the mood. "Damn, Lois, you are hawt!" She giggled and blew a kiss at her reflection. "No! No, not Lois tonight. I'm...Lulu. Oh yeah, now if that doesn't lower my IQ I don't know what does." She snorted, rolled her eyes and opened wardrobe with a dramatic flare of her arms.
"Now it's time to get yourself dolled up, baby." She chuckled and pushed her winter clothes away from the far side, exposing the ten flashiest, shortest pieces of her clothing collection. "How much of a slut do you want to be tonight, Lo, hmn? The sex bot?" She yanked a red plastic mini dress off its hanger and stared at it. "Not so much. What about...the sex kitten?" She threw the plastic behind her and reached for a black polyester dress. "Not flashy enough, is it? Yeah, didn't think so. Oh! What about the naughty but teasing look?" She grinned and pulled her bright yellow cocktail dress off its hanger and smiled. "Now...what to go with you?"
Dress slung over her arm, she sidestepped to her dresser and opened the her sock drawer. Behind her rolled together socks was a collection of pantyhose: the nude, the black, the white, and all the rest. Each had been purchased for one occasion or another. The green pair were last spring when Clark asked her on a date to a very boring banquet. The Pippi Longstocking pair were from a favorite Halloween costume. The purple leopard pair had been from...what were they from? Lois pulled them out of the back of the drawer, her jaw dropped when she realized a tag was still hanging from them. She'd never worn them. That was an absolute tragedy.
She stripped to her boy shorts and bra (both seamless black satin and ridiculously comfortable) and sat on the edge of the bed. After carefully removing the tag, she gently slid the purple leopard print up her foot and calf, around her knee, and grimaced as it stretched over her thighs. Snug was better than loose, she supposed. "Not to worry, Lulu, darling, you're still hawter than hawt." With them in place, she put the dress in position over her head and slinked it down her body. After a booty check pause, Lois broke into a fit of giggles. Was she honestly going out dressed like this on Christmas Eve?
No, as a matter of fact, she wasn't. There was much more ensemble to put together.
Ten minutes later, she had yellow and pink bracelets dangling from her wrist, a fake pink hibiscus flower propped into her messy hair, and silver hoop earrings left over from high school. She was a work of art. To finish her look, she climbed into her purple stilettos and grinned at the mirror. "Lulu, my dear, you look fabulous."
By twenty minutes before eight she had a good caking of makeup on her face(nothing over done, though her lips were a bit too red) and a silver clutch in her hand. Lois set off to enjoy her Christmas Eve Intergang meeting.
***
Three hours later, Lois was tied to a chair.
Two legs were hooked on the ledge of the Lexcorp building.
The other two legs dangled in much the same direction as Lois's.
At least, as long as she didn't move, her chair wouldn't go anywhere.
As far as Christmas Eves go, Metropolis had seen much colder. In fact, Lois was used to having to go out into the biting Christmas Eve cold for a last minute this or a last minute that, sometimes just a story to keep her occupied, like tonight. The cold was easy to stand on those occasions. That night was above freezing, mercifully, but it was still cold enough to raise bumps all over her body; something about dangling off a building make it feel colder, too. Cement gave way behind her, and her heart stopped for two beats. Her weight was too much for the ledge; she was going to get sent toppling to the ground.
Lois opened her mouth and took a deep breath. Ready to shout for her life, she just barely started to warm up her vocal chords when her mouth got covered. She looked up with big eyes and saw her favorite man in red and blue hanging in the air above her. "Don't scream when I'm right here. It really does murder to my eardrums." Superman smiled and looked at the crumbling cement behind her. "How did you get into this mess, Lois? Did your wardrobe revolt?"
Lois glared. Although she was still in a position to topple to the ground, her nerves were calm, fighting an overwhelming need to smile. "I don't suppose you want to make yourself useful, do you? Instead of cracking bad jokes?"
"You're not in danger yet, you know. Usually I save you just in the knick of time. I don't think it quite qualifies yet."
Lois raised an eyebrow at him. Awfully playful for Little Boy Blue. "How about you make an exception and save me before my impending doom tonight, yeah? My Christmas Eve present?"
"Oh, all right. I suppose I can make this one exception." He unwrapped Lois, set her down on the roof, and pulled the chair to safety. Lois brushed herself, not because she was dirty, but out of habit; seemed after most saves she needed a dusting off. "Merry Christmas, Miss Lane, you did not face your demise today."
"Why thank you, Superman." Crossing her arms over her scanty dress, Lois gave him a once over. "How did you get over here so quickly? You'd almost think you knew I was out here."
Before answering her, Superman stopped hovering and landed on the roof just in front of her. "I didn't know, but I was looking for you. I actually have a Christmas present for you."
Shudders built up in Lois's limbs. She tried to close the gap, but her legs were tingling like they were asleep. Both arms felt weightless and heavy at once, unable to move. Superman had a present for her. Superman had a present for her. Her knees wanted to give out. "You have a present for me?"
He chuckled. It was the kind of chuckle that made anyone want to smile. "Yes, Lois, I have a present for you. Mind if I take you home?"
"Not at all."
"By cab or Superman Express?"
Lois tapped her foot at him. "Did you seriously just ask that?"
Lifting her into his arms, he flew off in the direction of Lois's apartment building.
***
Not ten minutes later, Lois opened her balcony door and walked into her living room. "Where's my present?"
Superman brushed past her, his cape flowing over Lois's arm. "It should be here in about five minutes."
"It has to arrive?" Lois's gaze fell over the room. How did clothes that she put on in the bedroom end up all over the living room? Pieces of all the other outfits she'd initially tried littered the couch, carpet, end table, and linen closet. Grabbing a yellow bra and her red plastic dress in one swoop, and a few other scandolous articles on the way, she threw them all back into her room. Superman's chuckle carried down the hallway.
Before Lois could return to the front, the doorbell rang. "I'll get it, Lois," he said comfortably. Then again, he'd probably already x-rayed to see who it was. His cape flowed behind him as he stepped up to the door, Lois watching curiously from the edge of the hallway. "Thanks for coming, both of you. Come in, come in."
Superman pulled the door open the rest of the way. In the doorway stood two very familiar figures, though Lois hadn't seen either one of them in some time. Oliver Queen—tall, slender, and blond—contrasted business rival Bruce Wayne—taller, broad, and stark black—the two of them equaling too much muscle to stand side by side. Bruce let himself in first and looked around. "Lois, Lois, Lois. You desperately need to send a decorator in here! If your décor looks like it did when we were dating, it's time to upgrade."
"When you were dating her? Wayne, it looked like this when she was dating me. Creature of habit, our Lois." Oliver approached her and pressed a kiss against her lips. "Her life has too much excitement in it as it is. Asking her to redecorate is asking too much."
"Well, can't we at least do something for Lois's deteriorating fashion sense?"
Lois looked down and gasped. "Oh damnit!" Still in her leopard stockings and mini skirt glory. Does it get any more embarrassing? Sure, both of these men had seen Lois in—well, that wasn't important—but she hadn't seen either of them in ages, and being dressed like a starving hooker was not exactly confidence-inspiring. Of course, she still had no idea why they were here. Obviously, however, judging by how comfortable Superman looked, this was part of her present. "Why—why are you both here?"
"Well, Little Boy Blue approached us both a couple of weeks ago at the Justice League meeting and informed us that he wanted to do something for you at Christmas, but wanted our help," Oliver said.
"Being the suave and willing tycoons that we are, we agreed to do our friend our favor. So here we are."
Lois yanked her heels off. "But…why?" Her gaze shifted to Superman.
He had been hanging back by the door, arms crossed in usual Superman fashion. When Lois looked at him, he approached the three of them and stood between the other two superheroes. "Well, Lois, seeing as you know their secret identities, I felt no harm in asking Batman and Green Arrow if they would fulfill one of your interview dreams: an exclusive with them both."
"But!" Oliver started, a smile spreading over his face, "Just for being such an amazing ex, we decided to do one better. It's known in select circles that although Bruce and I are rivals in the business world, we are actually pretty good friends."
"We are going to allow you to make that information public, Lois." Bruce smiled. "We want you to interview us together and we'll discuss our friendship and how we don't allow business to tarnish it…obviously while avoiding the costumed activities."
"Really?" She looked between the three of them, reading each of their faces. Her ex-boyfriends, and the unattainable god, smiled back at her. Lois felt her embarrassment wash away, her current attire pushed from her mind. Who cared how she was dressed? "Thank you, all of you."
"Have fun, Lois," Superman said, stepped forward to kiss her cheek. "I would stay and witness the interview, but I have to get going. Children's charities and Christmas lightings to do, you know. My usual." He smiled brightly. "Merry Christmas."
"Thank you, Superman." She returned his kiss on the cheek. Her shoulders fell as the man in red and blue walked to the open glass door and dashed out of it, the wind created by his superspeed escape pulling the balcony door closed. She sighed.
Bruce's hand gripped her shoulder. "He really wanted to make your Christmas special, Lois. That's why we're here."
"Even if you don't pine for us anymore." Oliver chuckled. "Come on, get comfortable. I brought some wine; figured we could all do with something to loosen up the conversation. I'll get the glasses."
Bruce steered her down onto her love seat while he took a seat on the couch opposite her. "Thanks, Ollie," she said. He joined them a minute later, and Lois found herself fighting to get her legs crossed in such a fashion as to not give the billionaire playboys a peep show. Ollie passed her a glass of wine before taking his seat beside Bruce. Her gaze fixed on an indeterminable spot across the room, Lois frowned. "This isn't right."
"What isn't?" Bruce asked. His voice echoed out from his wine glass.
"I can't do this. I can't do this big of an interview without—"
A light knock came at the door. Lois turned and saw her exes do the same. "Expecting someone?" Ollie asked. Lois shook her head. The knock came again.
Lois stood and opened the door. There he was, in all his Clark Kent glory. Dorky glasses, flannel t-shirt, and paint-splattered jeans. And holding a present wrapped in brown parchment. You'd think he walked right off the farm. Actually..."I thought you were supposed to be in Kansas."
"My flight got cancelled. Terrible weather back home. So I thought I could bring your Christmas present over. Oh! You have company. You have—oh wow, Lois, you have very rich company." The glasses slid down his nose and his free hand instinctively fixed them.
Lois grabbed him by the flannel and tumbled him into the door. "This is what I needed."
"What?" It was a chorus from all three men. Lois smiled and put Clark's present underneath her micro pink Christmas tree. Once satisfied with her presents arrangement, she returned to her seat and pulled Clark down beside her. He exchanged smiles with Bruce and Oliver.
"I'm ready now, boys. Give me everything you've got."