The first thing he sees is a face. A man's face that he does not recognize, but is somehow achingly familiar.
"Jim!" The name passes through his lips unbidden.
Admiral James T. Kirk is a stranger, but somehow Spock knows he would do anything for the admiral. Spock would follow him to the edge of the galaxy and beyond, if he just gave the word, or perhaps even if he didn't. The thought of what he would be willing to do if the admiral was in any danger frightens him a little.
His retraining on Vulcan is more difficult than it should be. At least the Vulcans do not lie to him. But for some reason he finds himself skeptical of a philosophy he has been told he once wholly embraced - still embraces. His reluctance mingles with a pervasive feeling of wrongness that he cannot shake. Often, all he can think of is the admiral and he wonders why.
His telepathic activity has been restricted until his memories return - the Vulcans say that they should return, but in truth they do not know; this has never been done before, not in living memory. He can only meld with Vulcans because that is how they teach, but for some reason he always finds something lacking. He wonders what it would be like to meld with the admiral.
When he returns to the Enterprise, he is greeted with a fierce joy, an outpouring of emotion, that nearly moves him to tears despite all of his training. This is what was lacking on Vulcan.
He meets the admiral's shining hazel eyes and again he thinks unbidden, Jim. He cannot look away.
He is home.
But everything is strange to him.
He does not know how he understands all of the readings at the science station and there is much he does not understand that he knows he should. He does not know why it pains him so much to see Uhura serving as First Officer when he is hardly fit for duty - he knows he was only allowed to return out of something like pity. He does not know why the admiral's smile - which he gives so often and so willingly - makes him freeze and melt and feel as though he is composed of some gelatinous substance all at once, nor why the sadness in the admiral's eyes threatens to break his newly regenerated heart.
If it were acceptable, Spock would be inclined to follow the admiral everywhere as to remain constantly by his side. But he does not know why, so perhaps it is for the best that the admiral keeps his distance. The admiral does not avoid him, not at first. He expressed in no uncertain terms when Spock was reborn and again when he arrived on the Enterprise that he would be whatever Spock needs. And whenever Spock is in the room, the admiral is always looking at him with that brilliant smile and mournful eyes. But there is always more distance between them than feels natural - a comfortable Vulcan distance - and he gradually comes to the conclusion that the admiral is avoiding interacting with him alone.
So, Spock keeps his distance in respect for the admiral's boundaries. After all, there is no reason for them to interact when he is not on duty; he is not even the First Officer. Perhaps he is merely confused because he is accustomed to serving as such and now that he is not, he is distracted by the rupture in his routine. Instead, he meditates and attempts to draw his long lost memories from his katra.
Probing his katra only intensifies this longing for the admiral until it is nearly painful.
He is not whole.
The only thing he can think to do is to go to Dr. McCoy. His thoughts toward Dr. McCoy are complicated. He still has not pieced together what exactly their relationship was prior to his death. Dr. McCoy has been gruff and a little distant - just as the admiral has been, but not to nearly to the same extent - but there is something that indicates that he cares, that he is concerned. Spock knows that Dr. McCoy cares for his wellbeing, but still he keeps expecting the doctor to snap at him or be otherwise antagonistic. For some reason it worries him that the doctor is not, that this is another thing out of place.
"What am I to the admiral?" Spock asks when he finds Dr. McCoy alone in his office.
The doctor notices him with a start and hastily turns off the computer, which had been displaying the results of Spock's latest appointment.
"Is something wrong?" Dr. McCoy asks, his voice gruff, but strangely soft. He reflexively reaches for a glass and a bottle of alcohol.
"As you know, my memory is incomplete, but I am under the impression that the admiral is purposefully avoiding me and that this is not typical. Is that the case?" Spock elaborates.
To his surprise, the doctor's fist comes down on the table with a bang and he exclaims, "Dammit, Jim!"
Something about the expression is strangely familiar. Despite the shock of the sudden noise, the doctor's reaction is comforting.
Spock reflexively quirks an eyebrow at him.
"Jim's avoiding you alright, the damn fool! I've been trying to get him to talk to you for weeks now and he keeps rambling about not wanting to impose," Dr. McCoy grumbles, as much to himself as to Spock. He glances over at Spock and it looks like he is about to continue, but he seems to think better of it.
That bothers Spock more than whatever Dr. McCoy could have said, but there are more important matters at hand. "He is... concerned?" Spock asks; he does not bother to hide his uncertainty.
"We're all concerned!" Dr. McCoy exclaims. "Jim's just a bullheaded-" he stops himself. He softens his voice as he continues, "I'll talk to Jim. Don't worry, he isn't holding anything against you - the opposite. He's probably just as lost as you are. If Jim doesn't come knocking by tomorrow morning, tell me and I'll whip some sense into him if I have to," Dr. McCoy says.
"Please, do not harm him," Spock says before he can stop himself, even though he knows that the doctor has no intention of doing so.
"I won't," the doctor grumbles. "It's just a figure of speech."
Spock gives him a sharp nod in acknowledgement. "Thank you, doctor," he says and takes his leave.
"Admiral Kirk, get down to sickbay immediately!" Dr. McCoy announces over the intercom.
Kirk signals Uhura to take the helm and runs to sickbay as fast as he can.
"Is Spock okay?" he demands as he bursts through the door.
"He would be if you weren't avoiding him," Dr. McCoy retorts, poised to meet him with his arms crossed over his chest.
"Bones," Jim pleads, "I can't. I miss him too much, it wouldn't be fair to him to see me like this-"
Bones cuts him off, "He sees you like this all the time! I've seen how you look at him on the bridge, you really think he hasn't noticed?"
"That's why I have to avoid him! It's not fair to him! He's not mine any more! He doesn't remember any of it! It's not fair for me to expect so much of him for something he doesn't remember!" Jim nearly shouts.
"He remembers more than you think he does," Bones retorts. "He came to me and asked if you're avoiding him. He looked pretty damn distraught over it too."
"I can't-" Jim begins to protest again.
Bones talks over him, "You can and you will. I know, it's hard to see him like that, it's hard for the rest of us too, but you didn't win him over the first time by ignoring him, so if you want him back you better damn do something about it instead of letting him think you don't like him."
Spock does not have to wait long before there is a knock at the door to his still unfamiliar quarters. It jars him out of his meditative trance and he finds himself with the irrational hope that it is the admiral. No matter who it is, he stands in quick, efficient motions, and opens the door.
He finds the admiral holding a three tiered chess board. For an instant he sees an expression of discomfort on the admiral's face, but it is quickly replaced by an all too easy smile.
"I'm sorry to interrupt," the admiral says, glancing down at Spock's meditation robes. Somehow Spock can tell that he is still uncomfortable. "I can come by another time."
"Jim, wait," Spock reaches out without thinking and grabs the admiral by the wrist.
They both freeze. The admiral's face breaks into a desperately hopeful smile. He is on the verge of tears. Even with the sleeve of the admiral's uniform between them, Spock can almost feel all of the admiral's emotions threatening to overcome him. He cannot look away from the admiral's pleading eyes.
Finally, he remembers himself and releases the admiral's wrist. "My apologies," Spock says.
"You have nothing to apologize for," the admiral insists, and for an instant his eyes burn with fierce protectiveness. Then it is gone and there is something so fragile about him. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have interrupted you." He turns to leave.
"Wait," Spock exclaims again, but this time he keeps his hands firmly clasped behind his back. "What is it that you wanted?" he asks, unable to think of anything else to say to keep the admiral there just a little longer.
The admiral stops and faces him again with an awkward chuckle. "I was just going to ask if you wanted to play a game of chess, but-"
"Yes," Spock interrupts before the admiral can backpedal, "I would like that very much."
The admiral gives him a true, genuine grin.
So they play chess and talk, and somehow, something seems to fall into place.
"This is how we got to know each other," the admiral - Jim - remarks when he has gotten particularly comfortable, "Playing chess and talking."
There is a wistful look in his eyes, but when his gaze comes back around to Spock, he just looks happy to see him. For the first time since his return, he does not see regret in the admiral's eyes as though he is looking for someone else.
Somehow, Spock finds the courage to ask, "What were we before?"
The admiral sighs, a long, drawn out breath. Finally, he says, unable to look Spock in the eye, "We were many things; friends..." he trails off. He takes in a deep breath and forces out the words though Spock can tell that it pains him to say it, "It doesn't matter any more, what we were. You're alive and you're back and that's what matters. What we are now."
"What are we?" Spock cannot but ask. He also wonders about what they were, but he knows he will not get any answers.
The admiral swallows back tears and suggests, his voice still a little shaky, "What about friends?"
It is a start, so Spock nods and says, "Yes, I would be most amenable to your friendship."
Note: Here's my second and final submission to the 2018 Old Married Spirk Challenge, thanks to the lovely plaidshirtjimkirk for organizing!
I should say that I've never seen any of the movies, I've just watched The Original Series and have a sense of what happens from various fanfics that I've read (in particular "Say my name" by HanaSheralHaminail on Archive of Our Own), so please point out any continuity or characterization errors.