Title: More than a memory
AN: Never owned 'em, never will
Genre: Angst/romance/reunion. With about a month to go before Series 4 airs, serious plot bunnies shouldn't bite this hard, but they did. I am listing this as AU.
Rating: Teen, nothing too graphic planned. I will change it if need be.
Other: This isn't tied in with anything else I have written but it could be in the future.
He was alone, again. He had been for a while.
Martha had left. She passed her exams and he placed a well-deserved call to UNIT.
Jack had left. The responsibility to his team was stronger than his love of traveling and the Doctor. He belonged there, in Cardiff, with Torchwood.
The Doctor was alone. Truth be told, something in him felt alone the moment that Rose lost her grip on that lever. That day, almost three years ago in linear time, tore out his hearts. There was a little nag in the back of his mind, his conscience he supposed, that said that the loss of Gallifrey should have hurt more, but his hearts didn't believe it. Losing Rose was definitely the most painful event of his life.
With his frankly magnificent time ship safely in the vortex he roamed the TARDIS for a while trying to lose himself in the corridors. He kept ending up at the door to the study. Well, those transdimentional calculations are not going to work themselves. He thought as he walked into the room. This used to be one of his favourite rooms. The dark wood panels, the deep rich carpeting, the way he would find her here after a trying day of running. The study was peaceful and calm; the perfect room to relax and unwind. A deep inhalation and he could still smell her perfume. He wasn't sure if there were some minute traces left or the scent was in his memories, but it was there and he smelled it. He looked over at the large padded chair in the corner opposite the door and swore he saw her there, legs draped over the arm, waiting for the polish to dry, intent on reading the life story of some celebrity from Praxataurious V. That day would be etched in his hearts for as long as he lived and he smiled at the memory. He blinked and she was gone, his hearts felt the familiar loss and fought the tears that were sure to eventually come. Too many memories lived in this room.
Calculations. They wouldn't get done on their own. He walked the few steps to the large mahogany desk that Rose and he….. By Rassilon, what good would that memory do now except to remind him of how much he missed her soft flesh against his hard angles. How much he missed her.
He walked the few steps over to the desk and sat in the large desk chair. It was then that he saw it. A small volume covered in rich leather and stamped in gold The Poems and Songs of Robert Burns. The book itself brought a pleasant memory; the Doctor had borrowed the book from the Torchwood Estate library when he and Rose were there in 1879. He had pocketed the book intending on reading it that night while the house slept. Things went pear-shaped and he forgot the book until they got back to the TARDIS. Knowing that it would be dangerous to return it, he kept it, occasionally reading some poetry aloud to his love.
As he passed his finger along the leather spine, the Doctor knew what his intelligent ship wanted him to read something specific. He said out loud to what many would have assumed was the air, "Why are you torturing me? She's gone. I know it. You know it. Don't do this, girl." The anguish in his voice was clear.
All he felt was the gentle nudge in the back of his mind that urged him to open the book in front of him. He opened it to the proper page and read:
O my luve's like a red, red rose.
That's newly sprung in June;
O my luve's like a melodie
That's sweetly play'd in tune.
As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,
So deep in luve am I;
And I will love thee still, my Dear,
Till a'the seas gang dry.
Till a' the seas gang dry, my Dear,
And the rocks melt wi' the sun:
I will luve thee still, my Dear,
While the sands o'life shall run.
And fare thee weel my only Luve!
And fare thee weel a while!
And I will come again, my Luve,
Tho' it were ten thousand mile!
"Tho' it were ten thousand mile!" He repeated. Ten thousand miles, one mile, as close as a chip to vinegar. She was all of these, yet so far away he couldn't get to her. The tears started to flow now. He hated crying. He was supposed to be in control. All those years at the Academy learning control and it all goes with memories of one Human woman. The Human woman he still loved with both his hearts.
Maybe he simply needed some sleep. It had been a while. Every time he tried, the dreams would come. Daleks, cybermen, slippery levers and loss; that's what his dreams were now, full of pain. He couldn't handle it so he found things to do to stay awake. He fixed and tinkered. All he needed to do was one last connection on the chameleon circuit and it would work again, the clothes washer no longer ate socks or underwear, the chilling unit in the kitchen no longer flash froze the milk. In short, everything now worked the way it should. Except him. He was broken and he knew it.
A presence interrupted his brooding. The TARDIS was trying to tell him something, but what? A few bars of "Moonlight Serenade" ran through his head and he finally understood. Jack. He needed to go see Jack. The Doctor's mind started to go into manic mode. He should call first. When is Jack now? Does all that stuff in the hub still work? He had a million and one questions all forcing their way in at once. It had to start with a phone call.
"Jack!"
"Doctor."
"How are things in Cardiff?"
"Fine. Thanks for Martha, by the way."
"I didn't send her to you."
"No, UNIT did. And you sent UNIT to her."
"She deserved the chance."
"She was brilliant, Doc. Thanks to her, my team's back together."
"Glad to hear it. Brilliant team you have there, Jack. Simply brilliant."
"Is everything OK, you sound a bit distracted."
"Yeah. Um, Jack, does the rift manipulator you have still work?"
"I think so. Frankly, I haven't touched it since that time we dealt with Abaddon."
"Understandable, understandable. I'm coming in, Jack. I need to use that manipulator."
"What!"
"The manipulator, Jack. I need one and you have one. Be there soon." With that and not waiting on a reply from Jack, he ended the call and set course for Cardiff.
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" Your hand, Doctor…."
" I married her, Jack. Just before she was torn away from me. I married her."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. We were happy for a time. And she's alive. So many died that day but she's alive and living the day-to-day life I couldn't give her. She's probably happy; she's probably moved on and forgotten me. Only, I can't forget her."
"You're sure she's OK? You're not."
"I have to be. The hope of her being happy makes me able to cope. Jack, I've been married, or bonded if you will, three times. I have lost them all. Childbirth, the Time War, Canary Wharf. Losing Rose hurt more than I ever thought possible, so much more than my first two wives. It's been almost three long years and I am coping."
"But are you moving on? Rose would have wanted you to move on, to live again, to love again."
"I know. But as long as there is a chance that I will see her again, I won't."
"Is there a chance?"
"Maybe. I might be able to manipulate the Cardiff Rift and cross the void using your manipulator. I have to try. There is a niggling feeling that there is someone else and the thought of Rose raising our child alone… I can't bear it and it has been eating away at me. She would tell me stories of her growing up. Beans on toast night after night, darkness because Jackie couldn't pay the light bill, blankets around the flat to keep warm, second hand gifts and satsumas for Christmas. I can't let that happen, I can't let our child grow up without. I know Pete's wealthy, but they are not his responsibility, they are mine. They are my family. I have a home, the education to teach him or her, the money. I don't tap into it often, but I have access to all of Gallefrey's off world wealth if I need it. I love her, Jack."
"Whoa, stop right there, Doctor. Rose was pregnant?"
"I don't know for sure. She could have been. She would get very tired easily and she had gained a little weight; not a lot, but it was in the right places. I never said anything about it; you know how sensitive women can get about their weight. It might have been our life catching up with us, with her. I don't know. I'm supposed to be sterile. Most Time Lords were; the Curse of Pythia we called it. But, as you can figure out, my father wasn't and I'm not so sure that I am either. We did discuss it, the low likelihood of conception, the potential for genetic incompatibility, the difficulty she would have carrying a half Gallifreyan child to term. She just dived in. I think that we both wanted it to happen. There are those that feel that sex is the ultimate gift; giving one over so completely to another. Rose and I thought that sex was just one gift; a child was the most intimate thing one could give another. I think we may have given it, without the time to reveal it."
"I'm sorry, Doctor. I had no idea."
"No one does, Jack. But you can see why getting her back is important, right? Martha and Donna are good friends, but they're not Rose. As wonderful as both of them are, they are not my wife."
"Martha was a great asset here. She patched me up a couple of times and even Owen likes her!"
"Donna has kept me alert. She snapped me out of a deep depression. She questioned me. She challenged me. Both Martha and Donna saved me in ways I can only begin to imagine. I could have fallen in love with either one of them for different reasons, Jack. If I exhaust every possibility to find Rose, find her and find she is happy or find out she is dead, I will take off my ring, mourn for her and allow myself the possibility to love again. Not before. Will you help me get to her?"
"What will you do if she's happy?"
"Sorry?"
"What will you do if Rose is happy? Will you let her live her life, where she wants to be or will you force her to come back."
"If she is happy, I will give her my ring and come back…. Alone. Will you help me, Jack?"