This is my first try at That 70s Show fanfiction, so please be kind. All reviews and concrit will be HIGHLY appreciated. Please read and enjoy, thanks!
Jackie And The Three Bachelors
Eric: So, Donna, what exactly are we doing here?
Donna: We're helping out Jackie with her problem.
Eric: Right…um, why do we want to help Jackie again?
Donna: We don't. She's blackmailing us. Said she knows about the time we snuck into the Foto Hut after hours and…
Eric: Oh, yeah. Right…
Donna: Yep. So we better just get on with it.
Eric: Welcome ladies and gentleman to the game that has been passed on from generation to generation in America as one of our most cherished traditions.
Donna: A game where the women are skanky –
Kelso: (off-camera) Bitchin'!
Donna: And the men are desperate!
Eric & Donna: It's the Bachelorette Game!
(crowd cheers wildly)
Eric: Tonight's bachelorette is quite a catch. Jackie Burkhart. She's young and she's looking for love. (looks at Donna) Who wrote this stuff?
Donna: (miffed) I did.
Eric: (fakely) No wonder it's so wonderful! Now, Jackie, we want to give the bachelors a little sneak peek, so tell us, what is your best quality?
Jackie: Well, I'm filthy rich. And incredibly cute. Oh! And when it comes to relationships, I always give my guy lots of space.
Hyde: (off-camera) Right…
Donna: Ok, so Jackie, what kind of guy are you looking for?
Fez: (whispers off-camera) Please say the foreign guy, please say the foreign guy, please say the foreign guy…
Jackie: I don't care. As long as they're not ugly. Or poor. Or fat. Or too skinny. And they have to have nice teeth. And they can't be smarter than me. But they can't be too stupid. Or maybe they can be, I dunno…
Donna: That's great, Jackie. Now lets get started by meeting the bachelors. Bachelor #1 –
Kelso: Yo, Donna, what's up?
Donna: Shut up Kel- Bachelor #1! Jackie's first question is to you.
Jackie: (reads from a card Eric hands her) With an abundant amount of good-looking women in the world, how can I be sure you won't get bored of me once the next good thing walks by?
Kelso: Abandoned women? Who abandons women? Especially if they're hot?
Hyde: She's said abundant, you moron, not abandoned.
Kelso: Abundant? So what, like, they smell bad?
Donna: What?!
Fez: You idiot, she didn't say pungent, she said abundant. You are such an idiot.
Kelso: No I'm not. You are!
Eric: (sighs) Just answer the question, Bachelor #1.
Kelso: Uhh…42?
Donna: Bachelor #1, you are an idiot, but that's the answer we're going to have to stick with. Moving along to Bachelor #2.
Jackie: (reads from another card) If you were a type of ice cream, what type of ice cream would you be?
Fez: Back in my motherland, our favourite was always Ox Tongue. I do not understand why it is not as popular here in America. It is so incredibly delicious. Sometimes I long for the irresistible taste of my home country's oxen.
Jackie: What? Eww, that's so gross!
Fez: Did I mention Ox Tongue is the, um, sexiest of all ice creams?
Hyde: This is so crappy, Jackie probably already knows who we are.
Jackie: Hyde's right, this is lame.
Eric: Ok, well, then…since the answers mean nothing anyway, why don't you guys answer for each other? Then have Jackie pick the best guy that way.
Hyde: So I get to sabotage these brainless idiots? (rubs his hands together) Sounds good, Forman. Like shooting fish in a barrel.
Donna: Eric, that's a stupid idea.
Kelso: Let's do it!
Donna: (mutters) Go figure.
Fez: Do it? I want to do it!
Jackie: No, Fez, that's not what we're talking about.
Fez: (pouts) When do we get to talk about doing it?
Eric: Ok, so, I guess it's "Hyde's" turn to answer the question.
Fez: Ooh, I will answer for Hyde, sweet Jackie.
Jackie: Whatever.
Fez: (deepens voice) I am Hyde. Look at my sunglasses. I wear them, but there is no sun. (giggles)
Hyde: (rolls his eyes) Right. Nice burn, Fez.
Jackie: Bachelor number-whatever, what is your favourite television show?
Fez: (continues to mock Hyde) I do not believe in TV. It is all just a ploy by The Men –
Donna: You mean The Man, Fez.
Fez: The Men force you to watch television and then you have less time to ogle the gorgeous American women. So I do not watch TV, because it is a conspiracy.
Hyde: Fez, you moron, that sounded nothing like me!
Jackie: Actually, Steven, that's exactly how you sound when you're baked.
Hyde: What? Quiet woman or I'll tell them about that time when you were baked and started belting out ABBA songs.
Jackie: No!!
Eric: (dryly) Ok, this is just great, I can feel the love. Can we move on to the next question, guys? This one's for Kelso, so I guess, Hyde, you can answer for him.
Hyde: Awesome.
Jackie: Kelso, what would be your ideal way to propose to me?
Kelso: (nearly chokes at the thought)
Hyde: Well, since he's an idiot, he'd probably ask you while you're having sex and then forget where he put the ring. If he even bought a ring. But even if you do get married, he'll probably just end up cheating on you, AGAIN, because he's the male equivalent of a skank.
Eric: (winces) Ouch, that's harsh, Hyde.
Kelso: BUURN!
Donna: Kelso, that was a burn on you.
Kelso: Yeah I know, but it was sweet!
Jackie: Ok, none of them are being serious. This obviously isn't working.
Eric: Yeah…it's really not.
Hyde: Then just pick one of us, Jackie. It's not hard!
Jackie: …But I want you all!
Kelso: That's kinky. I like it.
Fez: You can have us all. Fez does not mind.
Jackie: Wait, what?
Hyde: Hell, there's no way any of us could deal with you all the time. Why don't we just split you up? That way I don't have to deal with you for two weeks and you won't be majorly pissed.
Donna: And you guys don't mind sharing Jackie?
Fez, Kelso & Hyde: Nah.
Donna: What the hell?!
Eric: Wait, so then why were we doing this again?
Jackie: (shrugs) I like the attention.
Eric: Alright then, ladies and gentleman, that concludes our game for tonight.
Donna: Tune in next week for more easy girls, horny guys and a buttload of unnecessary drama on...
Eric & Donna: The Bachelorette Game!
(silence fills the room)
Hyde: Now what?
Fez: Do we get to talk about doing it now?
Jackie: No, Fez! Stop asking!
Kelso: I know, let's do that other thing.
Donna: What other thing?
Kelso: You know, getting baked.
Eric: (triumphantly) To my basement!
(everyone begins to leave)
Fez: Fez will bring the Ox Tongue Ice Cream!