Title: Helpless Sorrow
Author: Stacee Phelps
Disclaimer: 'Supernatural' does not belong to me and I am not getting paid for writing this. Any and all characters belong to the CW and Eric Kripke.
Author's Note: I was watching 'Faith' at 3:30 in the morning and I was really just captivated by Sam's hidden emotions in the face of Dean being so callous about his own death. So, this is what came of it. Admittedly, it is extremely short, but this is seriously all that I could write on the subject. This is just a tiny peek into Sam's pain.
Summary: POST AHBL pt II- Sam's reminded of the last time Dean was dying and how he was hopeless then, too…
SN
It felt like just after the Rawhead. That no matter what he did, he wasn't going to be able to save his big brother. Stopping outside the diner he had walked to from their current motel, the thought suddenly slammed into him like the semi nearly a year before. Staggering and nearly forgetting about the two coffees and the bag of food in his hands, Sam Winchester's suppressed emotions finally caught up to him.
Being on a somewhat busy street, Sam looked around for a park, alley, any deserted place would do… spotting an alley only yards away, he quickly abandoned his purchases and practically ran to the seclusion of the back street.
Heading further away from the mouth of the alley, Sam suddenly fell against a brick wall on his left and nearly bent over. Feeling tears swamping his vision and his heart seemingly wanting to climb out of his chest, the young hunter could not help but grasp his chest above his heart.
Feeling his face crumple in complete and total agony, he was unable to stop himself from sliding roughly down the wall and curling up into a defensive position. Feeling an empty and yet intense agony rip through him, Sam could not help the sobs that threatened to break lose.
His brother was dying. For the second time in two years, Dean was actually dying. And once more, big brother had told Sam that there was nothing he could do to stop it.
And unlike before, when Sam had immediately answered back with, "Watch me", the younger Winchester truly feared that no matter what he did this time, he was going to lose his brother. That thought, more terrifying than anything Sam had ever encountered, shook him to his core. Dean being dead was the worst Hell imaginable and Sam was slowly coming to realize that it might become reality.
Unable to stop the tears streaming down his face and the rumbling in his chest that signified a wail wanting to break free, Sam began to rock back and forth. His heart hurt so bad at just the mere mention of not being around his big brother and he could not stop himself from breaking down.
The despair filled him and he could not move out of his position. He just HURT, so much more than when Jake had ruthlessly stabbed him in the back. This hurt more than any other injury he had ever sustained, and was worse than his own personal hell.
This whole situation was nearly parallel with when Dean had accidentally electrocuted himself. Dean Winchester trying to be the macho older brother and admit no fault or weakness, he had not allowed any real feeling into the thoughts of his own death. Instead, he had foolishly attempted to make his baby brother LAUGH over the inevitable possibility of Dean's death. And that almost hurt as much as the older hunter's declining condition.
Now, Dean was trying too hard to show that he was fine with his encroaching "due date" and was always ready with any type of come back or witty remark in regards to Sam's fears.
And Sam couldn't take anymore. Allowing himself to start vocalizing his pain, Sam looked up as his tears fell faster. He couldn't lose Dean. He just couldn't. It was more than him feeling as if he owed Dean in any way… no, it was that he was selfish. He was the younger brother, always protected by Dean and previously his father.
But there was no defense imaginable for this type of pain and torment.
His pain filled wails were nearly silent as his heart's hurt increased. It seemed so hopeless. This wasn't like with the Rawhead- Sam couldn't find a faith healer to make this all better.
Dean just should have left him dead. He himself had been so… calm about the thought of his own death, accepting it and nearly not fighting to keep himself in the land of the living. He had even tried to convince Sam that there was nothing any of them could do.
But Sam had DIED. Everything in his body had ceased to work and he had been laying cold and unmoving for nearly twenty-four hours or more. How could Dean do this to him?
Unconsciously moving closer to the wall, Sam's long body folded pretty easily so that he had his arms wrapped around his legs and pulled tightly against his chest. Why? Why did their lives have to be so difficult? Why did Sam have to face losing the one person he had left in this world?
The End
Thanks to whoever reads this, and please review!