Still I have no regret
Cuz I survived the biggest test
I cannot lie and I won't pretend
But I feel like I lost my very best friend
Elliot is gone. He's gone. He's not coming back. He's happy now. Feels like she should be happy for him, but that's not happening now. He is really gone.
"Elliot put his papers in."
Olivia could still remember her first day at Manhattan SVU. Meeting Cragen, Munch, Cassidy and of course Elliot – her thoughts were all over the place. His greeting is crystal on her mind, the way he held his hand out to shake hers and the way a smile was lingering on his lips. She couldn't have imagined it then, but now she knows, that he became a big part of her life, but she did have a feeling that they will have quite a ride in front of them. She couldn't have seen the end, but she knew that he will leave his mark on her. She and Elliot were meant to be, let's call that meeting a destiny.
Like he said, Elliot is the longest relationship she has had with a man. No other man had put up with her for that long and sometimes it felt like Elliot has had it too. He's the reason she is alive and also the reason she has lasted at SVU for so long.
"I trusted my partner."
Now, 12 years later, she keeps on looking at the desk across hers. Elliot's things are still on it, pictures of him and Eli… It almost feels like he is still here, except he's not. And now he never will be again. To think back, he has been on the edge for a long time. Their partnership has survived a lot, even separation and that one case defining everything.
Gitano.
She still sees his face, her hand flying to her neck, when a bare scar is located. Closing her eyes she sees Elliot crouching over her, making sure that she is okay, but it came with a price – a boy died. Later as he held Elliot on gunpoint she couldn't take the shot. She couldn't choose her partner, her best friend… Her soulmate.
"You and this job are about the only things I've got anymore. I don't want to wreck that"
Their fragile relationship faced a turning point in the hospital.
"What about me?"
Her words still fresh in her head. Just like they were engraved to her scalp and every time she felt unsecure those words came to her mind. Or every time she thought about Elliot…
Yeah, she requested a new partner the same day, but in fact she did it to save her friendship with Elliot and also as a test to see if she can survive without him. Their relationship went south and it took time to heal it, but she realized, that she was not okay, when he was not there.
She's not okay.
She's not fine.
Maybe she never will be.
She made a mistake. She allowed her heart to take control and that's how she knew that she was too close, but so was he. Olivia had fallen for him a long time ago, there was no way to bring out the exact moment, when it happened, but it had happened. Maybe he felt the same. Some days she thought that he did, but then again their feelings were never voiced.
Looking back it was like a test. 12 years together and still they didn't sleep together, they even didn't kiss, despite numerous undercover operations as a couple. They knew better.
If anyone asks her, if she regrets not telling him, she'd say no. Admitting feelings could have brought them closer together and given her everything she needs, but the same it could have destroyed the relationship she holds so dearly.
He's a forbidden fruit.
But he is her best friend.
"You know it's the middle of the night, and I'm sitting here realizing I spend more time with you than I do with my own family. No offence."
Now that he's gone, she can finally let go. She doesn't have to pretend anymore and she can forget the lies. In a way she feels like she is finally free and maybe she has the ability to finally move on from him. Truthfully, she knows that it's not possible until she is still a detective at 1-6 precinct. Every room, every corner, everything here reminds her of him. How they interrogated perps, how they had their fights and secret conversations, how they got to know each other in a way no-one else ever will, all those little things, that defined them.
Olivia once swore herself not to let anyone close enough to hurt her. Without realizing, Elliot held power over her, he had the power to destroy her just by saying words she didn't want to hear. He knew all her buttons and he could push them every time he felt like that, except he never did. He never used the power he had over her all those years they worked together.
But now… he pushed all the buttons at once, making it unbearable.
"If you can't trust your partner, Elliot, it's time to get a new one."
He left.
He left his partner of 12 years.
He left a girl with abandonment issues.
He left Olivia.
He couldn't pick up the phone, he couldn't talk to her, let alone see her. He just couldn't, because one look at her and he wouldn't have been able to leave. He needed her. He thought that it would be easier for her if she never saw him again. Maybe it was easier to him instead. He couldn't tell the difference.
She became the most important woman in his life and he couldn't say goodbye to her.
But he knew, that she understands eventually. She did. And she knew, that he knew – she'll be okay just like he will be. Eventually. Soonish. At least he hoped that they'll be okay one day.
They will be okay, they just won't be together.
And Olivia learned that nothing is permanent. She promised herself not to let anyone so close again, ever. She promised herself, that she won't get hurt that badly ever again, because she wasn't sure if she'd survive it, again.
After a week, she finally took off the picture of them down from her living room. She couldn't throw it away, yet, so she put it in a drawer, face down. Maybe one day she has the strength to let go of him completely.
Still she made sure her phone was always with her, so in case he calls, she could answer. Maybe she'd find some closure in that way. But the call didn't come and probably never will.
Still, everybody around them could say that they were almost complete opposites, but as they say opposites attract. That was at the beginning. Then they got to know each other and soon enough they realized, that their souls were the same. Maybe they were like Heathcliff and Catherine – people meant to be together, but fate had other plans for them.
"Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same."
That's why they worked so well together.
They could read each other minds, anticipate actions.
They were the same.
"In my opinion, Detectives Benson and Stabler have a degree of mutual reliance and emotional dependence that compromises their effectiveness as police officers."
"They're too close."
"You recommend I split them up?"
Except now they are not together anymore.
"If you want to lose your two best detectives."
Both of them missing a piece, but they both knew, that it's for the best.
The pain and anger will fade and maybe once upon a time, they can find peace. God knows, they won't find it together, they are simply 2 people meant for each other, but can't be together, call that a fate.
Maybe they were better off as friends.
Maybe they were better off separated.
What if they had never met?
Guess, that we'll never know.
"Elliot put his papers in."
Elliot is gone, but Nick is here. The first time she saw Nick, she sighed in relief. He's nothing like Elliot, nothing in his physical appearance reminds her of her previous partner. She shook his hand – even his handshake was not like Elliot's.
As she worked with Nick, started dating… without even knowing it, she was looking for Elliot. Her mind was comparing every other man in her life with the one, who's not here anymore. That's why nothing will ever work, because every man comes second to Elliot.
His is and will always be the one.
Elliot is her savior.
"We're partners."
"Not on this. This is personal."
He is the long lost piece of her soul.
He gave her everything...
… and then he took it.
He is her downfall.
"What about me?"
He is her best friend, even if he's not here.
"I'm the longest relationship you've ever had with a man."
But she knows, that everything will be okay.
She can survive it all.
And she knows it because of him.
"Look how great you turned out."
One lesson is learned and she is sure, that she'll never make the same mistake again.
He changed her.
"Yeah, well, you know, things change."
And he is part of her.
"You're his partner. You give him stability. Elliot can't move on until he feels like he's on solid ground."
"I have enough insanity in my life. I need stability."
And she won't let him go.
"Like you said, you're the longest relationship that I've ever had with a man. Who else would put up with me?"
He's the only person who has put up with her for so long and without expecting anything in return. He made her believe in good and without even knowing it, healed so much in her. He is her savior. Her soulmate. And no matter how hard she tries, she can't regret everything they had, but it's sad to lose a friend, but there is no denying – she'll forever compare everyone else to him.
He is her El.
"What about me?"
***SVU***
Your picture's off my wall
But I'm still waiting for that call
And every man that walks through that door
Will be compared to you forever more
The song is "Best Friend" by Madonna.