Inevitable
Nara Merald

Summary: GSD- Athrun x Cagalli piece, Cagalli centric. She doesn't know how to hold on to him.

Phase 01
It hurts her to see him slipping away. She can feel them both pulling restlessly in opposite directions, hears him say he's with her, but knows he wants to return. Physically, he's here, her devoted bodyguard, but mentally she fears… no, she knows she's losing him.
She doesn't know how to hold on to him.
She's so frustrated; everything is spiraling out of control into the madness of war. She hates it. Wasn't this what they worked so hard to prevent? Wasn't this why she spent countless times pulling late nights in conferences, pouring over treaties, working and reworking her speeches to Orb citizens?
Was it for nothing?
Those nights she was home late, the times she could have been building the relationship that now seems to be fraying and she doesn't have time to patch it up. He should understand, he should support her, but already he's thinking of the PLANTS… of ZAFT. Bitterly, she scrunches up a piece of paper and throws it into the waste basket. She needs someone to support her- if his heart isn't here, she doesn't want to keep him. But damn it, she wants his heart to be here… to be with her.
Phase 02
Unable to lower her expectations, nor the expectations of her, they drift further away until it happens. She is not surprised when he tells her he is returning to the PLANTS. She's not surprised at this dull wedge of knifelike loneliness carving into her chest. She forces a tight smile, ignores the feeling of betrayal and waves him off, before being hounded by the Seirans. She misses her father more than ever and she stands truly alone.
Phase 03
If she'd thought the days never ending before, they were nothing until now. There is constant pressure and chiding, and she hates the feeling of trying so hard, trying to be so organized and predict every angle and still make simple mistakes! She resents the Seirans in their ridiculous costumes, but she can never be sure if she resents them for their insinuations or because they highlight that she had made the mistakes in the first place.
Kira hates power and she can't bring her troubles to him and Lacus. She hopes her father would be proud, would understand the mistakes and would know that she is trying but she can't continue this way, not when things are so serious. Some days she steps into council and wonders if she's ever had a success, but she knows peace is worth fighting for, even if the men around her think her foolish. It wears away at her.
Politics are unforgiving, and she is running out of options every day. History cannot be allowed to repeat itself. She will do everything… anything… to prevent Orb from burning, but she can't conscience an attack on PLANTS. How can she attack her friends' homeland? Attack him?
Has he returned to ZAFT already? What if he dies in the fighting?
But she has a responsibility to Orb- her wishes are irrelevant, she is a leader and Orb needs to survive this outbreak of violence with minimal casualties. She hurries to the next negotiations, heart sinking. He is gone; he left her. He is no longer a concern of hers. She will do whatever she has to, to keep Orb safe.
Phase 04
"At any rate, it is impossible for you and that Coordinator boyfriend of yours to stay together. The worlds you live in are different."
It is hard to breathe, and she can't speak for a moment. She can't reply with the rage she wants to, can't express her melancholy and her misery. She can't bring herself to acknowledge that it is true.
She blinks furiously and he moves on, unwitting of the devastation he has caused. She struggles through the rest of her duties as if underwater, unable to bring herself to care that she's made some sort of mistake or another.
"This country is not your toy! Stop saying things influenced by sentimentalism!"
She gasps, feeling burnt out and horrified. His words echo in her head when she returns home and the shower can't wash the words away like the grime of the day. They cling to her like oil, like some horrible sickness that she can't rid herself of and she stares blankly at the wall.
She tries and she hopes, but she can't see a solution. The people's expectations settle around her like a blanket, falling heavily over her shoulders and face and weighing her down, smothering her. She breathes harder, thinking of the implications, thinking of what her future will hold.
She has no hope, but she does have duty.
She will marry Yuna Roma Seiran.
Phase 05
At first, she can't work past her anger- again she is not being taken seriously, she has been treated as a pawn, a child who can't make her own decisions. How dare they kidnap her from her own wedding?! Do they think she wanted this? Do they think she wanted to marry someone she didn't love, could never love, could never be accepted by?
Are they stupid enough to think running a country is easy? Where were they when the men were giving her superior looks? Where were they when they gave her the equivalent of a pat on the head, when their condescension became a daily struggle and every idea she put forward was stymied?
And when Kira apologises and acknowledges there was no support, she cries.
Then comes the relief.
Phase 06
The stress of dealing with the council and the Seirans breaks away and she feels her heart lift. She didn't even know how awful she felt until there was such lightness, such rightness to the Archangel's flight. It feels good to be back here, fighting for peace, doing something and taking action. She sees now that she could never have achieved what she wanted to in Orb and she feels such abject relief that she did not marry Yuna that she's floored by it.
But Orb is under their control, and her country needs her guidance. They ponder and plan, they debate and they look realistically at the situation, and the weight that slipped from her shoulders so recently starts to pile back on. Orb is preparing for war.
She can't see a solution.
Phase 07
Sometimes, despite trying not to focus on it, she finds herself wondering where he is, what he is doing. Is he okay? Does he miss them? Does he miss her?
It shouldn't feel like a kick in the gut when she learns he's back with ZAFT, but it does. She clenches her fists and stares blankly ahead. Perhaps this was all inevitable, right from the start. She feels like she's the butt of a giant cosmic joke- some sick prank of fate.
She doubts he misses her at all.
Fin

A/N:
This is from Cagalli's POV so obviously there are things that she misses or she is incorrect about.
"She blinks furiously and he moves on, unwitting of the devastation he has caused." In my mind, that was a calculated remark, but Cagalli is blind to it, like she is blind to the rest of the Seirans' manipulations.

Sorry for any errors, this was just a mood piece! I left it at a bit of an odd ending, but I wasn't really sure what I wanted from this and didn't really want to write anymore! Let me know how to improve it, if you will! Thanks for reading! xx