A/N - Thanks so much for reading! This story is slightly AU, mostly because of the fact that Tara Knowles does not exist, and also takes place about 4-5 years before the start of season 1.
Please please review and let us know what you think! Any feedback is greatly appreciated!
Jax Teller blinked in the sunlight as he stepped outside, striding to the picnic table and taking a seat atop it. His long, blond hair hung in curtains around his face as he leaned over a notepad, scribbling a letter. He looked up pensively, contemplating the next line, not noticing the figure taking a seat next to him until he spoke.
"Who you writing?" Otto Delaney asked, even though he already knew the answer; it was the same person to Jax had been writing to a few times a month for the last four years. Jax didn't bother to answer.
"I don't know why you bother," Otto continued, "She never writes back, hasn't come to see you once since you've been inside." Jax remained silent as he scrawled the last few lines of his letter.
'I don't know if you're even reading my letters. Shit, you're probably just throwing them all away. But if you are reading this, I'll be released next Monday. I want to give us another chance. If you do, too, be at the clubhouse when I get out. If not, I'll know your answer and you won't hear from me again.'
Jax set the pen down and tore the page from the notepad, folding it up and sticking it in the pocket of his orange jumpsuit. He looked over at the man he owed his life to, the reason he'd be getting out of this hell-hole that was Chino State Penitentiary in just over a week's time, and the only thing on his mind was whether or not Carrie would be at the clubhouse when he got out. In fact, she'd been just about the only thing on his mind for the past eight years.
Jax leaned against his bike watching his best friend since birth, Opie Winston, walk up to the front door of his girlfriend Donna's house wondering once again why he'd agreed to this double date. 'No,' he corrected himself, 'Not a date.' Jax Teller didn't date; he didn't have to. Girls fell over themselves to get to him. But Donna had bugged Opie relentlessly, complaining that she was tired of it always being the 'Jax and Opie show, featuring Donna,' and Opie had convinced Jax to come out with them and Donna's friend, Carrie Sullivan.
Jax knew Carrie, or at least had known who she was, back when she was an awkward, gangly freshman at Charming High School. She'd been a cute girl, as far as Jax could remember, but that's all she'd really been to him – just a young girl. He'd never taken much notice of her. All he really knew about her was that she was a good friend of Donna's and two years younger than him, now in her junior year of high school. Jax smirked to himself, thinking about how he hadn't made it past his junior year when he and Opie had started prospecting for the Sons of Anarchy. School just got in the way of his duties to the club and he knew what his future would be – what did he need high school for?
He sighed as Opie walked out, Donna following closely behind. His eyes widened as he watched the girl following Donna – this was no awkward, gangly freshman. Something had happened to Carrie Sullivan over the past two years – something fucking great. Her dark red hair now hung in loose and deliberate curls around her shoulders and the California sun had given her a nice tan. As she walked nervously towards him, his eyes rested on the nice chest that had definitely not been there two years ago. The v-neck shirt she was wearing showed off her cleavage and he couldn't stop himself from being surprised at what a little bit of time could do for a girl.
"Jax, you remember Carrie," Donna said by way of introduction as they walked up to him. Jax grinned over at Carrie, who still looked incredibly nervous, and nodded.
"You've sure grown up, darlin," he said, handing a helmet to her. He didn't miss the knowing glance Donna shot to Opie, a very 'I told you so' look that Jax was familiar with. Carrie smiled shyly as she took the proffered helmet, causing Jax's grin to widen. He was always surrounded by aggressive women vying for his attention because of the cut on his back. He took her shy demeanor as a challenge, and it almost excited him.
Donna hopped on the back of Opie's bike and Carrie followed her lead, tentatively wrapping her arms around Jax's waist. He revved his bike, tilting his head back slightly to speak to her.
"You're gonna have to hold on tighter than that," he said and grinned as he felt her grip tighten. He pulled away from the curb, following Opie to the pool hall they were going to.
SOASOASOASOASOASOA
Carrie Sullivan glanced up from her spot at the kitchen table to see her 16 year old brother, Chris, walk in the front door, a pile of mail in his hand. He dumped the mail on the table, leaning over to kiss his sister on the top of the head.
"I grabbed your mail," he said and she smiled over at him as he walked to her refrigerator. He dug around for a second before walking back to the table with a beer in his hand.
"Thank you," Carrie said, immediately taking the beer from his hand and opening it for herself as he frowned at her.
"Mom lets me have one," he grumbled. Carrie cocked an eyebrow at him.
"She does not," she said, beginning to sift through the mail in front of her. Chris opened his mouth to argue back when both of their eyes fell upon the envelope in her hand. Carrie froze, reading her name and address scrawled across the front in familiar handwriting.
"You gonna open this one?" Chris asked. Carrie ran her thumb over her name, slowly shaking her head as she stood and walked to the hall closet, standing on her tip toes to reach a box on the shelf in the back.
"You really should read some of those," Chris said as Carrie dropped the letter in the box and shoved it to the back of the closet again, "I mean, just hear what he has to say. He's a great guy, and he obviously still loves you." Carrie rolled her eyes at the same argument she'd heard from him for the last four years, ever since her and Jax had broken up. Chris had only been eight when Carrie and Jax had started dating, and he had idolized him. Still did, even though Jax had been in jail for the past four years. Carrie had no idea when he was getting out, but knowing what he had been charged for, she knew it would be several more years before he'd even have the possibility of parole.
"If you like him so much, why don't you fuck him?" she snapped. Chris raised his arms in surrender as she sat back down at the table.
"I'm sorry," Chris said, "I just… I just think it'd be good for you to see what he has to say. I mean, you keep every damn letter, even if you don't open them. There's gotta be a part of you that wants to read them if you're not just throwing them away."
"I don't want to talk about Jax's letters," Carrie said, "I don't want to talk about Jax at all. Ever." Chris frowned but didn't say anything. Carrie's cell phone started ringing and she glanced up, seeing it was Donna.
"Hello," she said, propping the phone between her shoulder and her ear as she sifted through the rest of the mail.
"Hey, Carrie," came Donna's voice, "I needed to ask you a favor."
"Sure, what do you need?" Carrie asked.
"My prick of a boss is keeping me until God knows when on Thursday and Opie is going to be busy, so I was going to see if you could take the kids over to the clubhouse after you close up the day care? Piney or Bobby should be there to watch them, but they can't pick them up on their bikes," Donna said, sounding exasperated. Carrie's parents had owned and operated a small day care in Charming and after high school, Carrie had been taken on as the head manager. She gave Donna the family discount for her two kids: Ellie, who was 4 and Kenny, who was 2. Donna often had problems with her boss getting off work on time, and Carrie had always been there to help out when she needed her.
"Yeah, of course," Carrie said.
"Thank you so much," Donna said, and then hesitated before continuing, "By the way… if there was some information about a certain ex-boyfriend, would you want to hear it?" Carrie froze. Why was everyone talking about Jax today?
"Is he hurt?" Carrie asked hesitatingly. She knew from the fact that he was still sending her letters that he was alive, and that was about all the information she cared to know.
"No, no, nothing like that, he's fine," Donna assured her.
"Then no, I don't want to know," Carrie said firmly.
"But-" Donna started.
"Donna, please," Carrie said, "Don't do this. I don't want to hear anything about Jax." She heard Donna sigh.
"Okay, okay. I guess you'll find out soon enough anyway," she said cryptically, in a way that made Carrie curious, but not enough to ask.
"Okay, whatever," Carrie responded, "Are we still on for lunch this weekend?"
"Yeah, definitely, I'll see you then," Donna said.
SOASOASOASOASOASOASOA
At the end of the day on Thursday, Carrie gathered her purse from the reception desk at the day care and walked into the room used for after school care to see one of the teachers, Neeta Benson, reading a story to Ellie and Kenny. She smiled watching how both kids sat with rapt attention, hanging on Neeta's every word. Kenny was a rambunctious two year old, usually more inclined to run around in circles than to sit and listen to a story, but Neeta had a certain way about her that demanded good behavior.
Carrie always thought that personality trait must have come in really handy when she was Jax's nanny, as Carrie was sure he had been a handful. Neeta had come to work at the day care after Jax had outgrown a nanny (though Neeta would always tell Carrie that the day Jax Teller outgrew needing someone watching over him and keeping him out of trouble, pigs would be flying). Carrie had always been extremely fond of Neeta, but over the past four years she had been one of the few people in her life not constantly pestering her about Jax, and it made her appreciate Neeta even more. She got it from Donna, Chris, even her parents still asked about him every now and then (though they weren't nearly as big of fans of Jax as her brother was).
Neeta looked up as Carrie walked into the room and set the book down, leaning down to the kids and telling them to gather their things. Ellie and Kenny both looked around at Carrie and beamed at her, running up and grabbing her legs.
"Aunt Carrie!" they both cried and she laughed, hugging them back.
"Hey guys, go grab your backpacks and I'll take you to the clubhouse to see grandpa," she said, and they scurried off to do as she asked. Neeta helped Carrie haul out a couple of car seats for the kids and loaded them into her car before settling Ellie and Kenny in.
"Thanks, Neeta," Carrie said, "I'll see you tomorrow?" Neeta smiled and nodded, waving good bye to Kenny and Ellie.
"Tomorrow," she said before walking over to her own car.
Carrie drove the kids to the clubhouse, her heart racing as it always did when she was faced with going places that reminded her of Jax. The only assurance she had was that she didn't have to worry about running into him. She pulled into the clubhouse looked around at the empty parking lot. She sighed, knowing she'd have to walk in. Every time she'd dropped the kids off, there had been people around to take them and she'd thus far been able to avoid actually walking inside.
"Guess I'll walk you guys inside and see if we can find grandpa," Carrie said, turning around to look at Ellie and Kenny in the back seat. Ellie grinned while Kenny nodded his head forcefully at the word 'grandpa.' Carrie stepped out of the car, walking around to unload the kids and took their hands as she walked them to the door of the clubhouse.
She walked in and the only person inside was Tig on the couch, currently with a croweater on his lap nibbling on his ear.
"Hey, Carrie," he greeted her with surprise, giving her a swift smile as his eyes raked her body. The usual for Tig; she'd gotten so used to him that she hardly ever got creeped out anymore.
"Hey Tig," she responded, glancing hopefully around the clubhouse before she resigned herself to the fact that nobody else was here, "I'm dropping off Ellie and Kenny for Donna – she said Piney or Bobby would be around?" Tig shook his head.
"Nah, they had to go on a tow. Shouldn't be too long, I can watch 'em for you til they get back," Tig offered, his eyes rolling slightly to the back of his head as the croweater moved from his ear to his neck. Carrie looked doubtfully at him before glancing at the two little kids huddled next to her.
"Um… no, that's okay, you're…. busy. I'll wait for them," she said. Tig shrugged.
"Suit yourself," he said, "Make yourself at home." Carrie was relieved when Tig finally stood, hauling the croweater to the dorms in the back.
"Why don't you guys sit on the couch and color?" Carrie suggested, walking Elle and Kenny over to a table and taking out a coloring book and crayons from Ellie's backpack. She stood up, glancing around the clubhouse which exactly the same as it was the first time she'd seen in eight years ago. The only thing that had changed was the addition of several new mug shots that lined the wall of infamy.
Carrie felt the familiar stabbing of pain as she looked at Jax's mug shot, his blond hair hanging unkempt and tucked behind his ears, his blue eyes staring down the camera. It hadn't been too long after this photo had been taken that they'd broken up, sometime after his arrest and before his sentencing. They'd been together four years, and she'd spent the next four trying to pretend as if Jax Teller had never existed. That was hard when your best friend was married to his best friend, but she'd made it clear long ago that any mention of Jax in front of her was not allowed.
It hadn't worked. Along with the hundreds of letters Jax had sent over the course of the last four years assuring her that she would not forget him, he was also still a lasting presence in her thoughts and dreams. If anyone asked, she would never be able to deny that she still loved him and probably always would, so luckily the people in her life were smart enough not to ask. She'd spent more than enough nights crying over their failed relationship, what he did to her, how things had ended.
"Grandpa!" Ellie's cry jerked Carrie out of her reverie and she turned to see Piney walking into the clubhouse, Kenny and Ellie running to him before crashing into him. Bobby followed him shortly after and Carrie walked to the table to get her purse.
"Hi Piney, Bobby," she greeted. They both looked up, just noticing her.
"Carrie!" Bobby said, sounding more surprised than Carrie thought the occasion warranted, "You're… here. Today." Carrie nodded, confused.
"Yeah, I just came by to drop off Kenny and Ellie," she explained. Bobby nodded.
"But you weren't here on Monday…" he said, his voice trailing off. Carrie frowned.
"Monday? What was Mon-" she started, but cut herself off as a third person walked through the door, the sun glinting off his blond hair before the door closed behind them, looking even more surprised than Bobby to see her standing in his clubhouse. Apparently, Jax Teller had gotten his get out of jail card. Unfortunately for both of them, it had not been free. What his sentence had cost the both of them hung in the air between them, almost tangible.
"Carrie?" he said, a look of bewilderment in his eyes as if she was a mirage. Carrie shifted uncomfortably, her heart racing, every emotion possible coursing through her – fear, hurt, anger, surprise… love. She finally said the only thing she could think of.
"You got out?" she said, and relief seemed to flood his face as he nodded. Carrie glanced over at Bobby who was watching the exchange between them while Ellie and Kenny dragged Piney over to look at their coloring.
"You… you didn't know?" Jax asked tentatively. Carrie shook her head, walking towards him and the door.
"No, I… um… I should go," she said, trying to brush past him. He grabbed her arm, turning her towards him. She looked up at him, at the blue eyes that she'd once thought could pierce through her soul and down to the t-shirt that couldn't quite hide the strong body he'd acquired during his prison stint. Her eyes widened as she realized that prison had actually managed to make Jax Teller better looking.
"You've grown up," he said softly. She stared at him for a second, knowing he knew she was recalling the first thing he'd said to her on their first date.
"Oh, yeah," she said awkwardly, looking longingly at the door. All she wanted was to get out of the clubhouse and away from Jax as fast as possible. Being around him stirred too much within her (not all of it completely unwelcome), but seeing him so suddenly had taken her by surprise and she was not equipped at the moment to deal with it. She silently cursed Donna for not telling her to expect to see Jax when she dropped off the kids.
"Okay, well.. bye," she said, rushing out of the door. As soon as she heard the door shut behind her she broke out in a run to her car, flinging the door open and sitting inside. She fumbled around for her keys, begging herself not to cry until she was at least out of the lot and preferably in the privacy of her own home.
This must have been the news Donna wanted to tell her –Jax had gotten out of jail. Carrie hadn't even known what his sentence was, but considering the charge had been smuggling and gun running she'd figured he'd be inside for much longer. A part of her was practically singing she was so happy he was out earlier than expected. She loved that he had his life back, that he was no longer a prisoner. But the other part of her was terrified. She hadn't had to deal with living in the same small town as him yet. What would if they ran into each other, as they inevitably would in a town boasting a population less than half the size of most major colleges.
She finally found her keys at the bottom of her purse and jammed them in the ignition, speeding out of the lot and to her house.