Jonathan E. Brown aka Texas: The Owner's Guide and Instruction Manual

Good evening! Hetalia Incorperated is proud to present the first of a new line of HETALIA units: the 50 States! This manual was created to ensure top preformance from the States Unit line. There are many accessable and user-friendly sections to the manual, including FAQs and Troubleshooting, which are located near the end. It is reccomended you read everything word-for-word, as the TEXAS unit is known to be a bit wild.

Technical Specifications:

Name: Jonathan E. Brown

Also answers to: John, Texas, Tex, Johnny (reluctantly), Lone Star

Birthdate: disputed

Lifespan from activation: Indefinite

Height: 6'2"

Weight: don't matter

Length: Undisclosed

Date of Manufacture: Today

Place of Manufacture: 'at One Place Down Yonder, Hetalia Incorperated

Note: The TEXAS unit is an extremely heavy smoker and drinker. If you find that he is spending too much of your money on cigarettes and whiskey, we recommend that you get him either an intervention or a job and therefore his own bank account. Don't separate him from his cigarettes and whiskey unless absolutely needed, for Hetalia Incorperated is not responsible for any injuries attained in that event.

Your TEXAS unit comes equipped with the following items:

Brown authentic ten-gallon hat

Tan military-issue officer's uniform

Pair of black military-issue boots

Pair of black military-issue officer's shoes

Spanish/Mexican military-issue uniform

Civil War uniform

Civil War-issue rifle

Semi-formal dress uniform

Cowboy suit

x50 packs of assorted cigarettes

x50 bottles of whiskey

When first opening the box, you may find that your TEXAS unit is very independent and mistrustful. Spend some time with him and he'll warm up to you.

Programming:

The TEXAS unit comes with several modes and functions. Below are the few occupations he seems more lenient to:

Spanish province: TEXAS's first occupation.

Mexican province: TEXAS's second occupation, although short-lived.

Rebel: TEXAS units are very independent and stubborn, especially when occupied by Americans. It's best not to get in TEXAS's way during this stage, as likelyhood of war and independence declarations is increased by almost 100%.

Nation: Despite being a short-lived occupation, TEXAS units are extremely intent on becoming part of AMERICA during this stage. They are independent, though.

Soldier: TEXAS units are extremely strong and tend to try and fight other people's battles due to being American, though they do not tend to fight well. They also fight a lot with other 50 States units.

Cowboy: A long-lasting occupation. TEXAS units are almost always decked out as cowboys, or at least talk like them (see Texan slanguage). WARNING- TEXAS units are very compeditive while in this stage.

Your TEXAS unit comes with the following modes:

Argumentative (default)

Sexist (default)

Racist (default)

Withdrawl

Compeditive

Drunk

Depressed (locked)

Shy (locked)

Lovestruck (locked)

Your TEXAS unit comes with three default modes: Argumentative, Sexist, and Racist. TEXAS units are extremely stand-offish and will always be downing on others and griping about almost everything possible. Your TEXAS unit will get in fights with all other units, so be careful of where you let him go.

Withdrawl is achieved should your TEXAS unit be deprived of his cigarettes or whiskey for longer than 6 hours. He will be extremely twitchy and alert while in this mode and, if you don't get him his cigarettes/whiskey by the next day, you may find that he tries to kill you and/or steal your wallet to get more. Interaction with other units aside from NEW MEXICO or AMERICA units while in this mode is extremely discouraged.

Compeditive is activated when your TEXAS either sees a KENTUCKY unit or is in his Cowboy mode, which the latter will have this active constantly. He will become very, well, compeditive and should he happen to lose at whatever it is, will enter Depressed mode.

Drunk is achieved whenever your TEXAS unit drinks too much in one go. He will become very much a pervert and will be very clumsy. Keep him away from stairways or sharp objects while in this mode, and preferrably away from NEW MEXICO, IOWA, and ALASKA units unless you have purchased a R.A.E.P. insurance package.

Depressed is unlocked when he is either rejected by a NEW MEXICO unit or when he fails at something while in Compeditive mode. He will lock himself in either his or your room, emit a depressing aura, and will mutter to himself while ignoring everyone. To get him out of this mode, simply get a NEW MEXICO unit to comfort him and he'll spring right out of it.

Shy mode is unlocked while around a NEW MEXICO unit after being exposed as liking them. He will either blush very brightly and stutter or else get extremely mad and start denying everything. Either way, this is only activated by being around a NEW MEXICO unit.

Lovestruck is one of the hardest modes to access, as it has several conditions to satisfy. It normally is unlocked after the TEXAS unit kisses a NEW MEXICO unit successfully and is accepted. The TEXAS unit will act extremely dreamy and happy, and once he is in this mode it is hard to get him out. After unlocking, this mode becomes almost as regular as Argumentative.

Units that are capable of having intimate relationships with TEXAS units are: NEW MEXICO, ARIZONA, and KENTUCKY (very rare)

Relations with other units:

50 States units: TEXAS units argue with all 50 States units and rarely get along...

ALASKA, KANSAS: TEXAS units strongly dislike these two units and will often ridicule or threaten them. Keep TEXAS units away from ALASKA units that are in Psychotic mode or KANSAS units that are in Mass Murderer mode unless you have life insurance. Contact between them should be minimal anyway.

NEW MEXICO: TEXAS units are very loving toward NEW MEXICO units and, after being with one for a certain amount of time, will attempt to make out with her. If the NEW MEXICO rejects the TEXAS, he will go into Depressed mode. Maximize contact to keep your TEXAS unit happy.

AMERICA: TEXAS units get along pretty well with AMERICA units, despite the constant arguing between them. They each respect the other enough to leave what is said between them at that.

MEXICO and SPAIN: TEXAS units hate MEXICO and SPAIN units with a passion and will do whatever it takes to either hurt or anger them. Contact should be minimal.

SOUTH/CONFEDERATE STATES OF AMERICA: TEXAS and SOUTH share a very tense relationship. TEXAS, although having forgiven SOUTH for leading him into the Civil War, tends to make fun of SOUTH and will purposely smoke in front of him even though SOUTH units are allergic to tobacco smoke. Also, TEXAS units tend to come running to SOUTH units whenever they are freaked out about something.

Note: TEXAS units do not tend to have many friends due to their stand-offish nature. Try to make him some friends... or get a duplicate TEXAS unit for him to interact with.

Cleaning:

TEXAS units rarely bathe and are so very dusty most of the time, as they insist that being dirty is "manly". To get him to take a shower or bath, simply bribe him with cigarettes or whiskey. If that doesn't work, you could always knock him out... not that he'd be too happy after that.

Feeding and Rest:

TEXAS units are very capable of feeding themselves, but will refuse to fall asleep. If you leave them locked in one room long enough or make him watch a movie, you'll find that he will fall asleep very quickly and will stay asleep for close to 12 full hours. Waking him up before then is nearly impossible.

Disposal:

You can always send him off to work for a MEXICO unit... chances of seeing him after that's pretty slim.

Frequently Asked Questions aka FAQs:

Q: My TEXAS is parading about with a rifle, yelling something about "Fucking Mexicans" and independence... is this normal?

A: It's fine, your TEXAS has just entered his Rebel stage. Give him a couple days alone and he'll be fine.

Q: Right after my TEXAS unit matured, he went out and came back with a bunch of tattoos... including one on his ass. Help...?

A: I don't know... on his ass? Do you have any pictures?

Q: My TEXAS won't leave the closet and there's a very mad-looking MEXICO unit standing on the lawn. Why is this?

A: Most likely, your TEXAS crossed the border into MEXICO's territory and made a rude comment or was just seen by her... you may need to either offer your TEXAS up as a sacrifice or maybe call a SPAIN...

Troubleshooting:

Problem: You come home to find your wallet and TEXAS unit gone. There is no way to contact them, either.

Solution: Most likely, your TEXAS ran out of cigarettes or whiskey and went off to buy more. Give him a couple hours, he'll show up.

Problem: You bought a NEW MEXICO unit to activate your TEXAS's locked features, but they just got in a fight and won't talk to each other.

Solution: Just give them a couple days, maybe have your TEXAS unit insult NEW MEXICO's gender until she kisses him to prove that she's a girl.

Final Note:

With proper guidance and care, your TEXAS unit will become a very good... whatever he will become. His warrenty is good 'till death (yours or his) and may be voided if captured by a MEXICO unit.

Thank you for buying this product and enjoy your new TEXAS unit!