Note: Forgive me for posting this when I should be working on Hollow Forest, but I needed to write this. I don't know when will let me get online again, so I likely won't be able to reply to any reviews or update any of my stories for a long time. Those of you that do review and favorite any of my work, I am in your debt.
Wolf That he Was
Sirius trembled as he turned the key, feeling it catch at its usual place before he jerked it to the side and withdrew it. All of those nights, over a hundred of them, all spent in guilt and rough howls. Each was a mark on his cell wall, nights of agony, marking the passage of another bloated moon. This one was his chance to redeem himself.
"Moony…" he murmured, turning to face a thin, drawn man who paced back and forth before a bookshelf.
"Soon, Padfoot, soon." The man said, a word per step as he strode the length of the shelf.
"The door is locked. No one will be able to get in, even if that lady comes again."
"Mrs. Gates is very nice, Sirius, sometimes she cooks dinner for me."
"Remus, if you have to rely on a half-mad woman to provide your meals, maybe its time to accept money from an old friend. Please, Moony?"
"Sirius. Now is not the time to bring that argument up again." Remus said, then winced and paused mid-step. "It's coming."
Sirius felt fur creep along his arms and legs as his body changed shape, an instinctual action the moment Remus' words registered in his mind. Wolf coming. Must be dog. When he completed the transformation, Sirius saw something in Remus' eye, something unrelated to the wolf. It was sorrow, Sirius dimly realized. Sorrow because Remus thought that Sirius didn't trust him. Not true, Moony. Sirius desperately yearned to tell him. But he still couldn't bring himself to change back. Too many close calls in the hazy past left the dog adamant to stick to the tried and true methods and not risk anything.
Then it began. Remus writhed, body wild and thrashing as the change washed over him like the surge of the sea. Sirius howled in bitterness as his truest friend underwent a pain he could only guess at. Remus, too, unlocked his throat in a wolf's howl that was yet pure Remus. Sirius tasted the regret in that single noise, all of their lost years combined into a cry of grief. The wolf was shaking, great, wracking shivers that fluttered throughout its body. Sirius tensed, reminding himself that this was Remus. He forced himself to approach, wary and unsure. He didn't know if the dog would even let him reassume his human form.
None of that mattered. The dog forced his thoughts to focus on only one thing. Remus needed him. Sirius pressed his nose into the wolf's thick, brown fur and breathed in deeply. The body stopped shaking, and all that existed was the wheezing air through their lungs and the warmth between them, dog and wolf, reunited at last.
Sirius found himself staring deep into amber eyes. They were-Remus'-but-not, still containing a little of that raw, unfathomable power of the wolf, a chaotic force of nature. But they belonged to a single soul, one life form with sweeping emotions and fear, capable of making choices and with a free will. In those eyes Sirius found himself.
Remus had irrevocably altered the course of Sirius' life. Where would he be, now, if he hadn't met the quiet, withdrawn boy with more secrets than most had to keep in the course of an entire lifetime? Remus had taught him control, when one could let emotion guide one's reason and when one could not, how one could find light when the world contained only darkness and how one could find shadow in the full moon's shine. Remus had taught him astronomy, and indirectly, transformation. And then, because Sirius mistrusted Remus, Sirius had inadvertently sold his best friend and wife to their murderer, who, again because of a skill learned for Remus, had been able to fake his own death and flee. Because of the same skill, because of Remus, Sirius had managed to escape prison. All of it could be traced back to Remus, the werewolf, the freak.
It all hit Sirius in one flurry of a moment. Remus was the constant thing in his life. Every full moon he would, without fail, transform into a werewolf. As Sirius' world crumbled into dust before his eyes and the dementors stole the last of his happiness away, Remus still faced his worst fear every month and endured through it, though they all had deserted him.
Sirius was human again.
"You're beautiful. Remus, you're beautiful." his hands wound around soft fur, encircling the magnificent body of the wolf that had shaped him into what he was. He pressed his lips to the wolf's muzzle, stared into those eyes, and felt the first true joy in over twelve years.
And then, because he was so happy, he wept.
"Moony, Moony, Moony." he whispered, hoarse and lost again, a mantra to tie him to this world, where he could live and breathe without sorrow clouding the air and festooning him in unending despair.
Remus knew. He couldn't speak, but there were no words he could have said. So instead, when Sirius curled into himself and rocked on the bed, Remus lay down beside him, offered the warmth of a friend, and let the tears purge Sirius of his desolation.
The morning left Remus' bones aching and his whole body lacking energy. He could feel Sirius pressed against him and fiercely warm.
"Padfoot?" he croaked.
"Mph… Moony." came Sirius' voice, barely audible.
Remus shifted around to look at him to make sure he was okay. Sirius's eyes were shut, his breathing even and controlled. There were shadows on his face that revealed the pain of a troubled past. Touching that face, Remus remembered how Sirius had looked at him, the wolf, in that odd way, had called the wolf beautiful and had kissed him.
Sirius' hand came up and grabbed his wrist before he could withdraw the touch. He squeezed Remus' hand, let go, then curled an arm around him.
"You're cold." Sirius said, sounding half-asleep, as if by way of explanation.
If felt nice to have Sirius all around him, the dog protecting his friend, his… what were they? There was no one left for either of them. All that remained was each other.
"Moony, you'll always have him. The wolf will be the most faithful of all of us after I, too, am dead. We will desert you, even if that isn't our intention or will. But he will always be there. He is beautiful, Moony." Sirius whispered, his eyes still closed. "You are beautiful, Moony."
Sirius was talking in his sleep, Remus suddenly knew. "Sirius, wake up."
"I am awake." Those eyelids revealed two startling grey eyes, so close, merely a few breaths away. "Remus, because of him you became friends with someone like me. Because of him, Peter was able to flee and I was able to escape. Because of him, we were the marauders, bonded by a dangerous secret. Because of him-"
"I don't want this, Sirius, I don't want him. I'd have given him up in an instant if I could have, if any of those cures had worked." Remus said, stopping Sirius' words before they struck home. "You don't know what you're saying. You hate him as much as I do. You wouldn't have gone through so much to save me from him if you hadn't."
"Remus, if you are offered the chance to turn back time, now, to avoid getting bit, would you accept it?" The question was more than that, it was a plea.
"Yes." Remus answered curtly.
Silence. Sirius pulled away from him as if suddenly conscious of their positions, two grown men, sharing a bed, despite being both apart and neither of them beneath the covers. Remus gave a sharp intake of breath without meaning to, that one action hurting him more than all of the words.
When Sirius responded, Remus had to strain his hearing to understand.
"You would give up us in an instant? Without even deliberating it? Do I mean that little to you, Moony?" Sirius was weeping again. His body shook gently and tears moistened his shadowed cheeks.
"You mean everything to me, Sirius. Just…"
"He means more?"
"No, never. The wolf never means more-"
"But he does. He means more than any of your friends. Remus, I love him for that, for being closer to you. He cannot help but be what he is, a force of undiluted nature. You can't blame him for that. You certainly can't blame yourself."
"Padfoot…" Remus' voice broke. He hurt all over, he was weary, and this conversation was making him lose the rest of himself, too.
"I meant it when I said he was beautiful. When I kissed him. But, Remus, you're also him. You're also… beautiful." Sirius rose into a sitting position. "Moony, do you trust me?"
"Yes." Remus said without thinking.
"Then close your eyes."
Remus did as he was asked, feeling exhaustion attempt to take him back into sleep. He resisted because he owed it to Sirius. Did Sirius mean what he was saying, about the wolf being beautiful? The wolf hurt. He was an unrelenting thorn in Remus' side. But-
The thought was pushed aside when Remus felt Sirius lean over him and warmth pressed to his lips. Sirius' tears were on Remus' face, his long eyelashes stroking his skin. Sirius was kissing him.
Remus couldn't stop his eyes from opening in astonishment, but by then Sirius had pulled away and only a lingering warmth remained.
The wolf, a painful, remorseless thorn, was like love, in a way.
And Remus loved Sirius. Sirius, who had betrayed him once, then again. Who had returned and who had trusted him instantly. Sirius, who, like the wolf, had caused him so much pain for so many years. Who, like the wolf, had also brought him happiness.
"Moony, you're beautiful." Sirius repeated. The words held new meaning this time.
Remus groaned and heaved himself upright, then leaned over and caught Sirius, returning the kiss. The wolf had given him the greatest gift of all: it had given him love.
End