CATALYST FOR CHANGE
(A glimpse at how Ben might react given the right circumstances; a situation where he needs to deal with real anger, real disappointment)
"What happened last night was the catalyst for the change that was inevitable."
There hadn't been this much tension between Michael and Ben since the time Michael discovered that Ben had slept with his best friend Brian; or perhaps since Ben allowed that college student to kiss him or even perhaps since the time Ben blew up at Michael for making contact with his ex, David, and not telling him about it and you could probably throw in the steroid era for good measure!
They had always come through their rough patches and Ben was sure this time wouldn't be any different; but he couldn't help fearing the underlying tension still hanging between him and his husband.
It had been hours since his blow-up at Brian's loft and Ben was beginning to wonder if Michael would ever forgive him; forgive the things he said.
Brian had hosted a huge party for Michael's 35th birthday. He had wanted to make up for the fiasco that was Michael's 30th birthday. Ben had helped Brian with the guest list and Emmett and the girls had helped with food and decorations. Everyone pitched in where they could and Michael knew nothing about it; which in itself was a major feat given the propensity for Deb to blab the smallest of secrets!
Michael was shocked and a little annoyed by the surprise party but he also knew why Brian was doing it. They had often spoken about his 30th birthday party and it was never a joyous topic of conversation. Michael knew his best friend was still trying to make up for what he did that night. And even though the party was before Ben's time, he had come to hear all the horrid details more than once.
On the night of his 35th Michael was absolutely thrilled to see Tracey, unlike the night of his 30th when her appearance could only spell trouble for him. Tracey informed Michael that she was engaged and was now a leading manager at the Big Q. Michael couldn't be happier for her.
After the speeches had been made and after Debbie had cried buckets, the party got into full swing. Ben wasn't happy that Michael was doing drugs and drinking like there was no tomorrow. With Hunter to think about, not to mention his infant daughter, Ben thought Michael showed lack of judgement and was even more annoyed at Brian for steering him down that path.
The trouble started when Brian was in earshot of Ben grimacing to Ted "the guy slams everything from speedballs to flea powder and I don't think he needs to take Michael down that road! When will he ever grow up?"
Brian had draped himself over Ben and slurred sluggishly into his ear "Come on Benny, kiss me – you know you want to!" Ben had given him a push – perhaps a little more harsh than the situation actually called for but a push nonetheless. Michael had witnessed it and began berating Ben in front of all their friends.
"It's his place, his party, if he wants to get hammered and off his face then he can! Just lighten up will you!" Obviously Ben wasn't particularly impressed that his husband was taking the side of his drunken, delirious best friend, again.
He had stormed off and was contemplating leaving the party but then realised that he if left then Brian would win and he would have Michael where he wanted him and able to ply him with God knows what. Ben decided to wait it out.
The party went on and Michael continued to drink. The music got louder and Ben's temples were throbbing ferociously. Ted had left. Debbie had gone and Hunter had cadged a lift with Emmett who was also leaving now. Ben thought it an appropriate time to seek out Michael and get him home.
He searched for him and couldn't see him in any of the main party areas. He ran into Tracey and asked her if she knew where Michael was. She hadn't seen him for ages. He asked Lindsay and Mel but all they managed to do was point Ben in the direction of Brian's bedroom.
The screen doors covering in Brian's sleeping quarters were all drawn closed, but they had been that way all night. Brian had closed off his bedroom because he didn't want any unwelcome debauchery taking place in his bed, especially if he wasn't participating.
Ben searched the rest of the loft and decided that Michael had to be behind the screen doors, there was no place left to look. He slid open one of the sliding screens and was surprised to see Brian with his tongue down some guy's throat, he almost retreated until his eyes fixed on the shadowy figure and realised 'the guy' was his husband. He pushed the screen door fully open, letting enough light into the darkened area from the party lights to get a full sensation of what was going on.
Brian's hand was between his body and Michael's and he was stroking Michael's obvious hard-on. His tongue was deep within Michael's mouth and Michael's eyes were closed, oblivious to the fact that his husband was watching his performance. When a familiar groan emanated from Michael it was more than Ben could stand. He cleared his throat angrily and stood square-on with his arms folded aggressively across his broad chest.
Brian stepped back from his best friend and turned to see who had interrupted them. He was surprised to see Ben and even more surprised to see the anger pouring from Ben's steely blue eyes. Ben uttered calmly "Michael, we're going!"
The mixture of way too much booze and even more "special party favours" than his system could handle were enough to give Michael a whole new personality, one which Ben was about to find out he didn't particularly enjoy.
"I'm not going anywhere! This is MY party! You go if you want."
Ben looked at Michael for the longest of moments, wishing the stinging tears would disappear from his eyes so he could reason with Michael without getting too emotional.
He eventually found his voice once the huge lump in his throat dissipated. "Michael, I said we're going. Get your stuff and we're out of here!"
He sounded angrier than he even realised he had been and his tone and aggressive stance were enough to show Michael he meant business but Michael wasn't in the mood for being told what to do. All the while Brian stood inches away from Michael, teetering on his bare feet, trying to clear his cloudy mind and trying to make sense of what was going on.
"I said you can go if you want – but I'm staying. Brian and I were in the middle of something."
"Yes I saw what you were doing. Do you really expect me to walk out of here and leave you here, with him? You're sadly mistaken Michael and if I have to haul your ass out of here kicking and screaming I'll do it damn it!"
"Don't fucking threaten me! I'm a grown man, I'm 35 for fuck's sake!"
"Well you're acting like a spoiled asshole and you need to get a grip!" Ben was surprised at his own harsh words but the look in Michael's eyes was also all-telling of the hurt he just felt when Ben's words cut through him like a serrated edged knife.
Brian's cloudiness was lifting and he was angry enough to step in. "Don't you speak to him like that!"
"You stay the fuck out of it! I don't need you telling me how to speak to MY husband!"
Now it was Michael's turn to defend Brian. "Hey, in case you've forgotten, this is his bedroom – his home!"
"No Michael I hadn't forgotten! Did you forget you were married?"
Michael stumbled on his feet and slurred "Don't be ridiculous! Nothing was going on."
"Really! Come on Brian, why don't you tell Michael what was about to happen if I hadn't walked in when I did!"
Brian recoiled "You got me Sherlock, I'm stumped!"
Ben was deeply angry now and getting more upset by the moment. His hands were balled into tight fists and he was itching to punch that stupid cantankerous smirk off Brian's face.
He exploded and the words left his mouth before he even had time to categorise them and decipher them himself but the pure anguish and dread in Michael's eyes told him all he needed to know.
"You come in here, into this cesspool with this fucking slime-ball like you're one of his slutty bitches that he picks up every other night and you let him put his filthy hands on you and let him seduce you and God knows what else and now you expect me to stand here and just take it on the chin like it's your Goddamn given right to fuck him if you so choose and I don't have a say in it! Think again sweetheart! You walk out of here right now or we're through, we're over Michael! Our marriage is over."
For all Brian's bravado and pretended confidence Ben swore he saw his knees buckle. Brian moved off to the side of the bedroom and just left Michael standing there; tears swelling in his blood shot eyes and his bottom lip quivering, from anger or despair he wasn't sure.
Ben could feel his own nails digging into the palms of his hands as he clenched his fists tighter and tighter. He had fought the urge to hit Brian but he was now fighting the urge to grab his husband and drag him out of that loft and shaking some sense back into him.
His rage had not yet left him and when Michael didn't respond (or was unable to) Ben found words bubbling up to the surface again; more vicious, attacking words that would only cement to drive that nail into the coffin of their relationship.
"You bitch and moan about the stupidest things; you brood over the pettiest details and you bleat like some silly schoolgirl when things don't go your way but here you stand having let this blight on society stick his tongue down your throat and let him grope you like some schoolkid that snuck off at prom and you stand here unable to utter a word! Surely to God you must have something to say Michael! Give me one of your banal explanations as to why I'm expected to understand how you two feel about each other! Tell me again how Brian drove a wedge between you and the good doctor and how you allowed it. Tell me again how time after time this moron has put your friendship on the fucking line and tell me again how this beacon of light just adds so much fulfilment to your life that you had to do this; you had to risk everything you have, we have – and for what? Tell me Michael!"
Michael pushed past Ben and Ben turned to see the back of Michael disappearing into the thinning crowd who had obviously heard every backbiting comment that fell from Ben's twitching lips and were deciding that the party was well and truly over. Michael left the party.
Ben sank to his knees and began sobbing. The release of his pent up anger had been enough to drive him over the edge. Brian didn't know which way to look. On one hand he wanted to go after his beloved Mikey; on the other hand he was afraid of what the Professor might do next. He sat on the edge of his bed and lit up a cigarette and listened to Ben's painful, low sobs.
When Michael eventually arose from his booze/drug laden sleep the next day it was almost noon. Hunter knew something had gone on at the party after he left by the way Ben snapped at him for no good reason a couple of hours earlier. He had taken himself out of the equation and left them to deal with whatever it was. He wouldn't be returning any time soon.
Michael had stood beneath the shower for 40 minutes, trying to wash all traces of his stupidity away as each painful, sorry memory replayed in his mind from the previous night. He regretted each and every drink he let pass his lips; he regretted more each joint he had toked on and each snort he had participated in and he regretted most of all, the journey he took with Brian across the loft, his bedroom the final destination. Michael towelled himself as every callous and frank word that Ben spoke or spat at him rang out in his ears.
He emerged from the bedroom to find Ben standing at the kitchen counter, busying himself with a few stray dishes and trying to look nonchalant. It wasn't working. Michael could see the vein pulsing on the side of Ben's temple, the one that always pulsed when he was angry or upset, or both.
Ben offered coolly "Coffee?"
"Yes please. Black."
Two cups of strong black coffee later, Michael was beginning to feel human again. Ben slipped into the bedroom and took a shower and dressed. When he came back out Hunter had returned and there was no hope of having the long overdue discussion with Michael about the events of the preceding night. Hunter had remembered a school assignment that needed finishing and just excused himself and went up to his room.
Michael needed air and he wasn't up to dealing with the inevitable discussion so he opted to go for a walk instead. He grabbed a jacket and muttered something about needing air and just left. Ben's stiffened hands found his face and he wiped at his tired, stinging eyes and just shook his head; trying to bring some sense of reality back into his being.
Having spent the night in the spare room, his hip felt tight and his shoulders were aching; whether this was from the lumpy mattress or way too much stress he couldn't be sure. He busied himself with grading papers while he waited for his husband to return. Not long after Michael got back his mother dropped by for an impromptu visit which again delayed their talk. It was Ben's turn to get some air. At least Michael could pretend more comfortably around Deb that nothing was wrong if Ben wasn't there.
When Ben returned an hour or so later he was surprised and somewhat annoyed that Emmett was there. He had brought by a heap of leftover food and the birthday cake. And before long Mel and Ted arrived with Michael's gifts that they had thoughtfully collected, carded and stacked in boxes for him before leaving the night before; knowing Michael was in no fit state to do it.
So the house was filled with good-meaning friends and family and all the while Ben and Michael hadn't spoken about their horror argument. The more time that passed Ben felt a heavy dread encompassing his body. He wanted, he needed to talk to Michael, to try and take back some of the things he had hissed at him in such rage that he even scared himself.
It was 5.00 in the afternoon when the last person left their home and Ben and Michael were able to actually look one another in the eye, without fear of bursting into tears in front of all their friends.
Ben's eyes were the first to fill and his breath caught in his throat before he uttered "I am so sorry! Oh baby…. I can't tell you how sorry I am."
Michael's tears rolled freely now "You're sorry – I'm the one who's sorry! The way I acted, the things I did… what I did with Brian… How can you ever forgive me?"
They were inches apart. Ben's soft hands which still brandished indents in the palms from his own fingernails reached out and held Michael's face. "The things I said to you – the things I called you… there are no excuses! I couldn't blame you if you never spoke to me again!"
"I deserved every word! I was an asshole and I was ridiculous! Ben – I'm sorry I put our marriage on the line – I don't know what got into me…. Well I do… but you know what I mean."
Ben couldn't help but smile "Yeah, I think too much booze and too much crap got into you and it made us both crazy! Michael – I didn't mean half of what I said; I was just so angry – so disappointed, so enraged. To see you with Brian like that… I was livid! I knew logically that it was the drugs and booze making you do it but the protector, the lover, the jealousy came out and I was enraged!"
"You had every right to be enraged. The way I dismissed you, the way I acted, the way I sided with Brian! God, what was I thinking! Ben – you have my word, nothing like this will ever happen again – I swear to you!"
Ben took Michael into his arms and cradled him gently. He stroked his neck lovingly and said "And I promise that the kind of things I said to you last night will never ever be spoken again. I love you baby."
"I love you too."
It took some time but over the ensuing days they nutted out the whole sordid scene and picked it to bits and dissected every gross detail in the hope of putting it behind them once and for all. It would be a long time before Ben could be in the same room with Brian and not want to punch him out and it would be a very long time before Michael would ever feel anything for Brian other than strained friendship and he knew in his heart that their relationship had now changed forever. There would be no going back, not this time. Michael's marriage and family meant way too much to him to ever jeopardise losing Ben and he knew he had to move on.
Brian had lain awake in his bed that morning, alone, knowing his life had changed. He knew his best friend was no longer going to be there. What happened last night was the catalyst for the change that was inevitable. Ben had married Michael and they were a family. Last night was the end of an era.
Boys had become men, finally.
The End