Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy IX. I know this comes as a surprise to you all but… I just don't own. I JUST DON'T. I'm sorry to have to break it to you like this, but I don't own a single part of it. Sorry. Sorry. It's gonna be okay.
MELODIES OF SHOOPUF!
Chapter 1
Summertime in Alexandria (DA-HUCK!)
It was SUMMER in the beautiful kingdom of Alexandria! Then again, is it ever winter? Or does only Esto Gaza get to have winter? Anyway, it was summer. And it was hotter than a mug! King Zidane could not BELIEVE how hot it was!
" OH. MY. GOD. It is so hot," Zidane sighed and lounged around on his throne like the most pathetic being in the entire universe. " It's so hot that it's not even funny."
" What is the matter, your highness?" Beatrix asked as she walked by randomly doing Beatrix things like… uh… stuff…
" It's hot!" Zidane whined.
" Yes," Beatrix sighed, " It certainly is. Steiner and I were just talking about that."
Zidane hoped she wouldn't start talking about what she and Steiner did in their spare time, because it was always either boring or too much information, but before she even got the chance, Steiner came walking up behind her. In his armor. In 105 degree weather.
" What are you doing lying around like a dog!" Steiner demanded of Zidane.
When all Zidane did was gape in reply, Steiner started to get suspicious. " What? Have you wasted time with yet another immature prank! What is written on my armor this time!"
" You're not even SWEATING!" Zidane exclaimed. " Rusty, how the HELL can you wear all that armor and not even BE SWEATING!"
" What do you mean?" Steiner asked.
" IT IS SUMMER! IT IS HOT! AND YOU AREN'T EVEN SWEATING!"
" Oh, you think it's hot? I hadn't noticed," Steiner said obliviously.
Zidane was so astounded and offended by Steiner's lack of perspiration that he just sat on his throne and continued to stare at him like one possessed. Steiner gave an uncomfortable cough, then took Beatrix's hand.
" Come, Beatrix, let's leave the Monkey King to his own devices."
" Okay…" Said Beatrix, then frowned. " Steiner, how DO you wear that armor in this heat?"
As they wandered off, Zidane's mind continued to boggle until it was all boggled out. Then he sighed and rose up from the throne. It was TOO HOT! He decided to go have a yummy Sea Salt Popsicle! Mmm-MMM!
But when he got to the kitchen, he saw that ALL THE SEA SALT POPSICLES WERE GONE! GRRRR! WHO COULD HAVE DONE SUCH A THING! The primary suspect WOULD have been Quina but she had exploded many a moon ago.
I guess I can make lemonade… Zidane thought with a despondent look at the refrigerator. But he didn't REALLY want to go to all that trouble. Just as he was going to give up and being cool forever, a little Vivi clone bumped into him.
" Oh, hello Zidane," said the little Vivi clone, and its nine brothers all repeated the same thing and maybe that's not creepy to some people but it sure as hell is creepy to me.
" Hi Vivis," said Zidane because he was too lazy to give them names.
" What's wrong?" Asked the Vivis.
" It's just so HOT!" He wasn't weirded out by the Vivis not feeling hot because they are BLACK MAGES! They control the ELEMENTS! " I was gonna make some lemonade but I feel like it's too hot to even do THAT…"
" We can make it for you!" Said the Vivis.
Zidane blinked. " Really?"
" Yes!"
" Well, I guess that would be cool!"
" HOO-RAH!" Said the silly Vivis and went straight to work, singing little happy carols just like the mice in Cinderella. Zidane took a seat at the kitchen counter (it's a NORMAL MODERN KITCHEN, OKAY! DO NOT QUESTION NORTH DAKOTA!) and watched them work. Soon, they delivered a big yummy pitcher of freshly squeezed lemonade, ALL FOR HIM!
They all watched him drink it, then as soon as he was done, asked, " Is there anything else you want?"
" Huh? Oh… uh… well… I GUESS…"
" What is it?" The Vivis chorused.
" Well, I was kinda thinking… maybe, if it's not too big of a deal… I'd like a sandwich…"
" Of course!" And the Vivis starting making a KILLER sandwich and singing a little song again. Then they delivered it to Zidane. It was quite possibly the best sandwich he had ever had in his life and as soon as he was done, the Vivis all stared at him.
" Anything else?" One offered.
Wow, these guys really are eager to please, thought Zidane and then… Zidane got an idea. An AWFUL idea. Zidane got a terrible, horrible, AWFUL idea!
" Well…" Said Zidane.
HOOONK! (transition purposes)
" Zidane!" Garnet exclaimed with her hands on her hips.
" Yeah?" Zidane answered casually, sitting on his throne while two Vivis fanned giant leaves at him and another gave him a manicure. The others were finding the ingredients for Sea Salt ice cream and then bringing them to Scrooge Mcduck so he could make a new batch!
" Why are you using the Vivi Bros as slaves?"
" Dagger, GEEZ," Zidane scoffed, rolling his eyes, " They are not SLAVES. This is what they WANT to be doing."
" Arms… so… tired…" said one of the little fanning Vivis.
" See! You're wearing out the poor things!"
" Oh COME ON!" Zidane exclaimed. " What are they normally doing around here anyway!"
" But they're from VIVI!"
" Dagger," said Zidane and sentimental music began to play, " Do you really think it's alright to act like they ARE Vivi? That's just like treating them as if they aren't individuals. These guys aren't Vivi. No one will ever BE Vivi again, because there was only one Vivi. And he was Vivi. And these are not Vivi, even if they are Vivi's Vivis. Vivi." He ended in a serious voice and stared hard at Garnet.
Garnet stared back.
Zidane smiled. " You don't need a reason to help people."
Garnet sighed. " You're right Zidane." Then she wandered off.
" Now, go make me another sandwich," Zidane told the Vivi who was manicuring his nails.
Mwhahaha, thought Zidane, man, I should have never been mad at Kuja. Having black mage minions is GREAT! I should have thought of this a lot sooner! And he basked in the glory of having minions.
Suddenly a moogle ran in like it BELONGED there. It held a little letter. " Kupo! Delivery for their Royal Highnesses, kupo!"
" Okay, that's cool," said Zidane. " He pointed to one of the fanning Vivis. " Go read that letter for me."
" Hai!" Said the little Vivi and went over to take the letter from the moogle. The moogle watched this, then looked at Zidane.
" Is this slave labor, kupo?"
Zidane sighed.
" Moogles don't take very kindly to slave labor, kupo."
" No, it's NOT slave labor," said Zidane and gave his speech again. But the moogle wasn't affected. It just stared at Zidane with it's beady, non-existant eyes.
" Your jedi mind tricks do not work on Moogles, kupo. I suggest you stop this now, kupo, or else…" It raised one little paw up and jabbed it towards Zidane. " You might find yourself suffering some… CONSEQUENCES…kupo."
" Somehow, I am failing to be terrified," said Zidane.
" Mark my words, kupo," said the Moogle and stalked away. " Mark my WORDS… kupo."
There was an awkward pause, then the Vivi turned to Zidane. " Should I read the letter now?"
" Yeah," Zidane said, waving an arm through the air.
So the little Vivi began to read. Except, it's voice faded out in the middle and was replaced by Cid's thanks to the wonders of modern imaginairy television technology in a fanfic.
" Dear Zidane and Garnet,
I hope you're doing well. Unfortunately, I'm having to call on you and Aldabert and Beatrix to Lindblum. Something has happened and I'm afraid I need your help. I'm sending letters like this to the rest of the old gang and a meeting will take place Thursday at my palace. I hope to see you there.
Sincerely,
Cid Fabool"
" AWWW…" Said Zidane, " What has he turned into THIS time?"
" Shall I fetch Her Majesty?" One of the little Vivis squeaked in a random british accent.
Zidane groaned. " Well, she'd just find out on her own SOONER or later, so okay."
Garnet came running back once she got the letter, distressed. " Oh NO! Poor Uncle Cid!"
" He was probably just cheating on his wife again. You think she would have left him by now again. Or just get a divorce."
" I hope it isn't anything too horrible this time. Remember last time when she turned him into a SEAHORSE?" Garnet fretted.
" Oh yeah," Zidane said, flinching at the memory, " Man, what could be worse than turning into a SEAHORSE?"
" Well… I guess I'll go make the arrangements and we'll go see him tomorrow," said Garnet.
" WHAT? Awww…" Said Zidane, hanging his head. " I don't wanna go on an airship ride when it's so HOT…"
" Zidane, Uncle Cid needs our help! After all he did for us, I can't just ignore a cry for help!"
" But Dagger, he KEEPS making the same mistake, over and over and over again! And everytime we help him, he promises he'll stop, and then he just goes and gets himself into trouble all over again!" Zidane whined. " This is an endless cycle!"
Garnet gave him a determined look and sentimental music began to play. " Zidane… someday I will be queen, but I will always be myself."
" Oh…" said Zidane. " Okay."
HOOONK!
" We're going to Linblum tomorrow," said Beatrix as Steiner and her lay in bed. It was night. They weren't lying in bed during the day. DUUUH.
" So I heard." Steiner shook his head. " That Cid has gone and upset his wife again, hasn't he?"
" Yeah…" said Beatrix and there was a long pause that full to the BRIM with unspoken emotions on her part. Finally, Beatrix couldn't take it anymore and she sighed and sat up in bed.
" Steiner… we need to talk."
" Yes?" Steiner asked and sat up, his armor making a clanking noise.
" It's… well… it's…"
" Go on, Beatrix, say it."
" It's your armor."
Steiner gave her the world's most confounded look. " My… armor?"
" Yes, Steiner, your armor!" Beatrix exclaimed and looked away from him because she was too afraid of meeting his eyes. " Steiner you… you never take it off! I've never seen you without it on, not once!"
Steiner sighed. " Beatrix, I thought we'd discussed this before…"
" I know! I know we did! And I thought I could be strong and understanding, but… Steiner, I'm tired of it! Everywhere WE go, the armor goes too! You wear it in the bath, you wear it to bed, you… we couldn't even go on any amusement park rides at Buddy Barn World because you refused to take your armor off! Steiner, it gets in the way of everything!"
Steiner was silent. Beatrix bowed her head and grabbed the sheets tightly between her fingers.
" Steiner… I don't even know… what you LOOK like without your armor!"
" Beatrix, I thought we both agreed that this relationship wasn't based on outside appearance-"
" But don't you see! You act like that armor is part of YOU! Like you aren't STEINER unless you have your armor on! But you have to have not had it at SOME point in your life! You weren't BORN with that armor on, were you!"
Steiner didn't say anything.
" Oh my God. Steiner, please tell me you were not born with that armor on."
" Beatrix, let's just not speak of it anymore."
" The hat!" Beatrix pleaded. " At least take of your hat! Or the little feather!"
" That's it," Steiner said and rose from the bed and clattered over to the door, " I can't deal with this right now."
" Steiner, where are you going!"
Steiner shook his head. " I need some air."
" STEINER!"
But it was too late. The door closed, and Beatrix heard him clanking off into the night. She let out a ragged cry and then buried her head into a pillow.
" Why do I have to love you so much!" She sobbed.
Yeah… uh…
…
OMAKE!
Hello. I'm Hayley Wallace. You may know me from such fanfics as Legal Shoopuf, Shooball, or Shoopuf Basket. Yes, I was writing Shoopuf Society, but then I realized that I wasn't. Oh well! The omake is a section where we answer your questions! It can be any question you want just as long as it isn't about the three things I hate the most.
Shelinda
Teddiursa
Epona
Oh, PLEASE don't ask any questions about those three! PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE KUPO!
Final Fantasy IX was always my super favorite Final Fantasy tied only with Final Fantasy VII. Maybe that doesn't mean anything to you but it means something to me! DA-HUCK!
So natrually, we'll also be having special guests whom you can ask your questions to if you don't want to ask me, Carl, or Bigfoot, the Review Crew! Even if we don't review anything, we demand to be called the Review Crew!
Just so you know, the Review Crew consists of"
Hayley: ME.
Bigfoot: BIGFOOT.
Carl: Sadistic talking purple Wooper.
And if you don't have any questions for US, then you MUST have questions for Zidane! Our first special quest!
So enjoy Melodies of Shoopuf and don't forget to ask questions!
Ja ne!