When she kissed him, it felt natural, like the empty space in between them should never have existed. And when they fell together onto the mattress, her head was clear of everything but him.
But after, when the heat had subsided and her head cleared suddenly everything was back; the worries, the walls, the first instinct of pulling back before she got hurt. So when she told him I don't know what that was, she wasn't lying. She didn't know what to call it, other than a lapse in judgement, an opening up when she knew that it was always better to stay closed. She'd spent an eternity building up those walls around herself, making sure she was always far away so she couldn't be hurt again. After her father, after the slavery, after Sean - there was no other choice. If she let down those walls, it would all catch up with her. And it would tear her apart.
And then Sam came along. And something about him - his easy banter, the little smile that came to his face when she'd surprised him, the way he talked about things that no one else understood - made her want to trust him. And that was more terrifying than anything Alex had ever felt before.
So she pulled away, like she'd always done. Pulled away, hurt the other person so that they'd hate her. And God, she didn't want him to hate her. But it was better than the alternative.
From then on, there was a guarded edge to Sam's voice whenever he spoke to her. There was less of his sarcastic banter, and he only spoke to her when he had to. And Alex just bit the inside of her cheek and ignored it, because this was good, this was what she'd wanted.
Wasn't it?
It was weeks of them barely speaking to each other before they finally found a mission and leapt on it, because it would give them both something to do instead of adamantly ignoring the other person. There was only so much space on the plane for their antagonistic silence, and it was starting to suffocate Alex.
"It should be simple enough." Sonya said from the other end of the phone. "They're keeping the captives in an old warehouse, and by the satellite footage it looks like there's only ever four men guarding the outside."
"Alright." Alex said, hanging up the phone and turning to Sam. "You distract the guards out front, I'll slip in through the back and get the people out. We'll meet up at the plane, just make sure you aren't followed."
"Fine." Sam said, heading to the weapons area of the plane. Alex didn't expect anything more - it had been a week since she'd heard anything but monosyllables from him.
They both headed out, walking the two miles to the warehouse instead of trying to find a vehicle in the middle of nowhere.
Alex perched behind the warehouse, waiting until she heard gunfire erupt from the other side, drawing the guards away from the entrance. She slipped inside, closing the door silently behind her.
"I'm in." She said into her comm, but there was no response from the other end. "Sam? Sam, come in." Still no response. Something was wrong. And when she turned around, she saw what it was.
Instead of a dirty warehouse crammed with prisoners, the area was lit up with flourescent lighting, with glass doors and the kind of sci-fi futuristic tech she was all too used to seeing. This wasn't a human trafficking ring. It was a lab. There must've been a signal jammer, which was blocking the comms.
And there were people, hooked up to IV's and wires and scanners, all with the same petrified look in their eyes. Alex's breath hitched as she took it all in. There wasn't enough time, but she had to get them all out. She started at the first person, a girl no more than fifteen, who had needles and plugs in every inch of her body. Alex ripped them out, trying to ignore the fact that she had no idea what they were filled with, or the damage that taking them out could do. There wasn't time for that. The girl was unconscious, so Alex slung her over her shoulder with all the precaution she could manage. Please, please keep them occupied. She thought to Sam. The next person, a middle-aged man, was awake and strong enough to walk after she unhooked him from no less than seven IV's. After him was a woman who looked to be in her mid-twenties. Her eyes were open, but as soon as Alex took her out of the chair she was strapped to, she collapsed on the ground without a sound. Her pulse was still strong, so she was alive - but she must've been given a paralytic, because not even her lips were moving. Alex looked around again. She couldn't carry anyone else, and the man beside her was barely able to keep on his feet. What am I going to do? Was her only hopeless thought, before she heard the slam of a door and turned around to see guards filing out of doors on every side of her. She quickly laid the girl on the ground before heading into a full-on attack at one group of three guards. She took them down quickly, gaining a twisted wrist in the process. It probably wasn't sprained though, and she could still punch through the pain. But then instead of three guards there were five, and then ten, until she was completely surrounded. But that didn't mean she had to give up. She took down one guard at a time, but there were too many of them. A swift kick to the back of her knee jarred her leg into collapsing, and she hit the ground hard. After that, it was over. It didn't take much effort for them to inject a needle into the side of her kneck, and there was only time for Alex to remember Sam, to hope he was alright, before the world blurred into nothingness.
It was supposed to be simple, Sam thought angrily as he hit the speed-dial to Sonya.
"Is everything alright?" Were the first words out of her mouth, and it was enough to make him snap back.
"No, it's not. You said that there were only four guards, that it would be an easy in-and-out mission, and now Alex is gone!"
"What?" Sonya gasped. "Alex - how?"
"Your intel was wrong." Sam snapped. "There were only four guards on the outside, but on the inside it was some sort of lab. They had all sorts of security, Alex didn't even notice she tripped it. And I was too late - by the time I got there they were heading out with her."
"Alright." He could tell by Sonya's voice that she was trying to calm herself down, think a way out of the situation. He was sick to death of her thinking - thinking wouldn't do Alex any good. They needed to do something, and now. "I might be able to track - oh." The last word was a little gasp of surprise.
"What?" Sam was instantly alert.
"You - I'm transferring the video over to your phone." Sonya said. What video? Sam thought, but the moment he took the phone from his ear the screen blurred, and then a video came up. It was almost too dark to see anything, but then his eyes adjusted and he made out the shape of a girl, tied to a chair.
Alex.
There was no one else in the frame, but a voice came on, crisp and clear, with a hint of some sort of european accent. "This is what we do to people who interfere with our work." The voice said, and then Sam noticed with a sinking feeling that Alex's feet were sitting in a tub of water. It was a technique he himself had used a couple of times, back in his Owen days as a cleaner. A hand came into view just enough to turn a knob hooked up to wires leading into the water. Alex let out something not quite a scream as the first electrical wave hit her. Sam could tell she was grinding her teeth, not wanting her captor to get the satisfaction of seeing her in pain. He wanted to tell her to scream as loud as she could, that maybe that would make them ease up, but he suspected it would just encourage them to turn it up. His hands curled up into fists, and a wave of fury rode over him. "Let her go. We got the message." He said tightly. The man chuckled.
"Let her go?" The voice sounded infuriatingly amused, like he wasn't torturing someone as he spoke. "No. Consider this your warning. Stay out of our way, and we won't do the same to you."
And then the screen went blank.
Sam could hear Sonya's voice on the other end of the line, but the words weren't registering. He dropped the phone, slamming a fist into the wall, but not even the pain could clear his head. Finally he was able to calm his breathing, enough to pick the phone up and speak into it.
"Could you trace the signal?" He asked Sonya. There was a pause.
"I - yes. It was coming from approximately two miles north of your location, but - there's nothing on satellite, it's just forest."
"They must be hacking the satellite image somehow." Sam guessed. "Send me the exact coordinates of the trace."
He hung up the phone, picking up the gun from where he'd set it, pausing only to grab a few new rounds of ammo before heading out from the plane.
Alex didn't know where she was.
It wasn't the first time she'd been kidnapped, but this time - far away from Nikita, and division, and everything familiar, it was somewhat more terrifying. At least she'd been moved from the chair - she'd been convinced, for at least an hour, that she was going to die zip-tied to it. But then, before she could pass out, the men had moved her to a different room and strung her up by her wrists. And at first she was relieved that there wouldn't be any more electricity coursing through her veins, but that was before they'd strung up the string just a little bit tighter and she'd been forced to pull herself up, just a little bit, for every breath. Her limbs were weak from the electricity and every breath was harder than the last. Crucifixion, she thought dizzily, a random thought being plucked from the back of her brain. This was how people who were crucified died, not from blood loss but from asphyxiation, from not being strong enough to breathe.
She'd always thought she'd be strong enough to breathe, to do that one little thing. But it turned out, you weren't always granted oxygen, as some sort of god-given gift. The easiest thing, that you wouldn't think twice about, but now was killing her slowly, one piece at a time.
And when the man who'd been in the room with the chair came in, she couldn't even say some sarcastic remark because that would involve giving up a precious bit of air. He was talking now, but the words were jumbled, nonsense. She couldn't focus. Her vision was starting to get blurry, and when she heard gunfire from outside it took a moment to register. And then the man was leaving, and she couldn't lift herself up to breath, but she had to, she had to survive because that was what she did. And then her arms gave out and she couldn't lift herself up any more and the world was starting to go fuzzy.
And suddenly she was falling to the ground, and air was rushing into her lungs and she could hear someone's voice in her ear, calm, soothing. The rush of air was almost painful, and she started coughing almost immediately. The world started to focus again, and the first thing she saw was a familiar face.
"Sam?" She sputtered out.
"Alex, hey, you're gonna be okay, alright?" He was cupping her face in his hands, one thumb in position to check her pulse. It took a second, but Alex was able to push herself up as things came back into focus.
"Where are all the guards?" She asked, her voice still raspy.
"They're out back. I blew up one of their trucks." Sam said, and a smile involuntarily made its way onto Alex's face.
"Good." She said, and she started to stand up before stumbling backwards again. She would've fallen if Sam hadn't caught her arms, steadying her.
"Hey, take it easy. There's a back entrance we can get out, just take it slow."
Alex almost rolled her eyes. Then again, at least he knew better than to offer to carry her.
They made it out without a hitch, and they headed back to the plane. It was slow going though, with Alex having to stop to catch her breath every few minutes. It was all she could do to keep moving, but they had to, because who knew how many men were already searching for them? Finally, an hour after the sun had disappeared behind the trees, Sam turned to Alex.
"That's enough for tonight." He said, stopping and letting the bag he'd been carrying fall to the ground. "You need rest."
"I'm fine. Alex said curtly, not stopping. Sam grabbed her arm then, turning her around to face him. She tried to yank it out of his grasp, but he just pulled her closer.
"Listen." He said firmly. "You went through a lot. We'll be fine for a couple hours, I'll keep watch while you get some sleep."
"I don't need you to baby me." Alex snapped, finally wresting her arm out of his grasp. "I've been through worse. We need to get back to the plane -"
"And we can't do that with you ready to drop." He argued. Alex wanted to keep walking just to spite him, but he was right - she was exhausted. After everything, she'd been surprised she'd made it this far. So she settled down into the side of a tree, closing her eyes and waiting for sleep.
It came quickly, but with it came nightmares. Of electric chairs and fiery rooms and always the burning sensation of the air being drawn out of her lungs.
It was eternity before a shaking woke her, and as she came to consciousness she heard Sam saying her name.
"What's wrong?" She was instantly alert, listening for the crackle of footsteps in the underbrush.
"You were having a nightmare." Sam said, and Alex was suddenly aware of his hand resting on her arm. He drew it away, leaning back onto his heels. Alex finally noticed that the beginnings of a sunrise were touching the outlines of the trees. She pulled herself up to standing instantly.
"How long was I asleep?" She asked. "You should've woken me up!"
"Relax, there's no sign of anyone around." Sam said. "And you looked like you needed the rest."
Alex almost gave him a biting response, but this - him actually talking to her, showing some concern - was such an immediate relief from the weeks of silence that she held it back.
"Well, we can go now." She said, grabbing up the pack that lay on the ground. Sam reached out to take it from her, but she shot him a look and he withdrew his hand.
"So tell me somethin'." Sam said after they'd been walking for a while. Great. Alex thought to herself. "After what happened with us -"
"I told you, I don't know what that was."
"I know that's what you said." He remarked calmly. "I just think that there might be more to it."
Alex waited a minute before responding.
"I can't - after Sean, after everything, I've learned that the only way not to be hurt is not to care. So that's what I do - that's all I can do." The pause after she said that was so long that she finally glanced over at Sam to make sure he heard. He had a brooding look on his face, like he was piecing apart her words.
"That's what I thought with Emily, at first." He admitted finally. "With all the people I'd killed, getting close to anyone seemed like a weakness. But she changed that. When I was with her, I was a better person."
"But then you lost her."
"But then I lost her." He agreed, and stopped talking for a moment. "But I don't regret it, any of it."
"Does Owen?" This question seemed to surprise him, and his head jerked up to look at her.
"Fair enough, yeah. Owen didn't regret it, even though it tore him up inside. He loved Emily, and nothing could change that."
Alex wasn't sure she could even explain her thoughts, but after he'd opened up about Emily she wanted to try.
"It's like - every time I've let someone in, they've died or - or left. My father died, my mother left, Sean died - even Nikita has her life with Michael and I - I don't fit."
"That's gotta suck, though - living your life not able to trust anyone completely."
"I'm fine. Come on, we should keep moving."
And there was her problem - even when she wanted to trust someone, there was that knee-jerk reaction of I'm fine, I don't need anyone.
It was a long walk after that.
After hours of walking, finally they reached the top of a hill, and there it was below them - the plane. Alex let out a breath and turned to Sam, a sudden burst of energy rushing through her.
"Race you!" And then she was off running and she could hear him beside her, panting heavily as they dashed towards the plane. They both reached it at the same instant, Alex's hand just barely brushing it first. She spun around, laughing, to face Sam. They were inches apart, and his eyes were sparkling and there was a grin on his face and then they both just stopped, suddenly realizing how close they were. Time seemed to freeze, and before Alex could think it through they were kissing, not fiercely like before but slowly, and she'd never dreamed that his hands could be this gentle. When they pulled apart their foreheads stayed touching and they stayed in that little bubble apart from the world, breathing in each other's closeness.
"Alex." Sam said.
"Yeah?"
"If I were to tell you I loved you, would that scare you off?"
Alex closed her eyes, took in a breath. Yes, this scared her. But she'd also realized - she wanted it. She really, really wanted this. So she opened her eyes and got ready to jump.
"No." And there, she'd done it. A smile started to creep up the corners of her lips.
"Okay then." Sam was smiling now, too.
"Okay?"
"Okay."