Title: Buffy Meets God
Rating: PG?
Warnings: Erm…existential thought?
Summary: A look at what heaven might have been like for Buffy. Possibly not what you'd expect. Set between 'The Gift' and 'Bargaining.'
A/N: This started out as a humorous thing and then it landed somewhere between light humor and existential questions. Mostly it was just a plot bunny hopping around in my (obviously psychotic) brain.
Buffy blinked dazedly, feeling more disoriented than she had done at any time previously. Where was she? What had happened? Why was it so bright?
It was bright before. Very bright. Bright in her eyes and bright in her heart. She blinked again and this time noted the fact that she still had eyes. She could feel her eyes, but she saw nothing. There was no black or white, just nothing. When did it change to nothing? Why was nothing so bright? How could nothing be any degree of bright? Buffy was able to file that thought away in the 'sort-it-out-later' part of her mind and therefore she assumed she still had a mind. She looked around again only to see more bright nothing. This brightness was different than the brightness from before. Before it was bright, but it was also electrical. And possibly purple.
As the word 'purple' crossed her mind, Buffy recalled it more clearly. A bright ball of electrically crackling purple energy: a portal.
"Did I stop it?" Buffy spoke aloud, determining that she still had a mouth and vocal chords.
"Yes you did. You were wonderful, Buffy." The voice was soft and deep; it would have been pleasantly soothing if it hadn't been so startling to hear a voice in the middle of nothing.
In the instant that Buffy became aware of the other presence, nothing stopped being nothing. There was no process of change to be seen, but her surroundings had become something new. Suddenly Buffy found herself sitting in a remarkably cozy office chair arranged with others around a long rectangular table. The table was made from rich dark wood and polished in just the perfect way to catch the light coming through the windows. The sun was at just the right height where it would no longer disturb Buffy's line of vision, but still lit up the sky in a dazzling pink color.
Buffy stared out the window; she had no idea for how long. It felt like hours of absorbing the beautiful picture, but not even a second of wasted time. Surely the presence that had spoken to her would have interrupted if she'd stared out the window for hours and yet she still felt like she had enjoyed the scene for at least that long. Another thought for the 'sort-it-out-later' compartment.
Who had spoken? A man. Or at least it had the voice of a man. Buffy spun her chair to face him and found him immediately. Not only did he have the voice of a man, but the body as well. He was pretty much an average man in Buffy's eyes. Not thin, not fat, not short, not tall. His hair was a light color, somewhere between ginger and brown. He wore blue jeans and a short-sleeved, white, button-up shirt. His face gave off an air of supreme peace and confidence.
"Where am I?" Buffy asked of the man.
"Where do you think you are, Buffy?" He spoke in the same calming tone as before.
Buffy stood, properly realizing for the first time that she had her whole body, even the clothes she had been wearing.
"It looks like an office," Buffy noted. "Like a board room. Who are the other chairs for?"
"They could be for you," the man replied. "Maybe for some of your friends."
"Are my friends here?" Buffy asked.
"Sort of," the man hedged. "Probably not in exactly the way you would imagine. So it looks like an office, you said?"
"Did something happen to my friends?" Buffy asked, unsure of why her voice refused to sound concerned.
"You already know," responded the man, looking directly into Buffy's eyes. "Search it out in your feelings, Buffy."
"I feel like they're okay," said Buffy, wondering how this man knew what she was feeling. "And of course it looks like an office," she continued in answer to his other question. "Don't you think it looks like an office? I sorta figured it was your office," Buffy added with a shrug.
"I don't think it looks like an office at all," said the man.
"You don't see an office." Buffy pressed a hand to her forehead, checking for a fever. "You don't see chairs, and a table, and a skyline. I feel like we're in a skyscraper."
"So many go for the sky," the man muttered.
"What do you see then?" Buffy gestured wildly at the room around her.
"Clouds," the man promptly informed her. "Periwinkle clouds."
"Periwinkle?" Buffy raised her eyebrows.
"It's a blue-violet sort of color."
"I know the color. I just – don't usually see it on clouds."
"Would you like to?"
"Not really," Buffy answered in perfect honesty, feeling no pressure to be anything other than totally truthful. It was a strange sensation, that lack of pressure. She stared at the man for a moment, trying to figure out what he might be. "This is weird. So are you even in the same room as me?"
"I'm in the same space as you are. The room reflects what your mind wants it to be. Not many people go with offices. That's probably because you have company though. What was it before I arrived?"
"It-" Buffy felt like she should be having a major wiggins right about now, but it just wouldn't come. Something about the man, and about the place, was very calming. "It was nothing."
"Ah," the man's eyes widened with understanding and he nodded. "That's a much more popular option. You can go back to it after I leave, if you'd like."
"I think the nothing was probably just temporary in my case. It was already fading a bit."
"And again with the rare," the man commented with a bemused expression. "Not that I expected much less from you. You're an extraordinary person, Buffy."
"Okay, trying to keep up here." Buffy held up a hand as she thought it through, signaling that the man shouldn't interrupt her. "This room looks different to both of us. You know all about it. You know me. Is it too much to assume that you brought me here?"
"I did."
"So, are you planning on telling me where here is?"
"You might want to sit down."
"I'll stand, thanks," Buffy replied.
"Buffy," the man met her eyes again and Buffy saw gentleness in him. "You're in heaven."
Buffy sat down in her perfectly comfortable chair again. She looked down at her hands, eyes following the familiar lines in her palms. She felt alive. She felt healthy. She felt healthier than she had ever felt. Healthy and whole.
"I'm dead?" Buffy questioned.
"Yes and no," the man responded. "It depends on how you define it."
"What do you mean it depends on how I define it?" Buffy demanded.
"Do you feel dead?"
"No!" Buffy asserted.
"Then you're not dead."
"But I am," Buffy protested. "I'm in heaven."
"Yes you are," the man answered simply.
"So how am I not dead?"
"You're not your definition of dead," he explained. "The way they define dead where you're from isn't really what death is at all. There's so much more than you've ever imagined."
"Oh God," said Buffy, still staring at her hands.
"God!" The man exclaimed. "That was the word. I've been racking my brain."
"You had to rack your brain for the word 'God'?"
"There's a lot of stuff in my brain," he explained. "Sometimes it can take a second."
"And why were you racking your brain for the word 'God'?" Buffy asked curiously.
"Well, because it's what you call me," said the man.
"What I-" Buffy looked up at him. "You're God?" Buffy exclaimed.
"It's what most of the people call me where you're from. I'm the God of your universe."
"What people call you," Buffy verified. "So it's not your actual name?"
"Would you like to know my name?"
"Do you have a name?"
"Of course I have a name," the man said with a chuckle. "Why wouldn't I?"
"I don't know. I'm still new to the whole heaven thing."
"It can be disorienting at first," he answered. "I promise you'll get used to it."
"So what's your name?" Buffy asked.
"Joss Whedon," said the man.
"Josh Whedon?" Buffy verified.
"Joss," he corrected. "J-o-s-s. Why does no one ever get that right?"
"And you're the God of my universe?"
"Yes."
"And you think I'm gonna get used to this?"
"You've got all of eternity, Buffy," he assured her.
"My universe," said Buffy again. "Does that mean there are other universes?"
"More than you could ever imagine," Joss answered with a solemn nod. "Sort of the motto here actually. I've been thinking about putting it on the stationery."
"Heaven has stationery," Buffy asked quizzically.
"I've been thinking about getting stationery," Joss qualified.
"You said my friends are here…"
"I actually said 'sort of,'" Joss pointed out.
"So, what does that mean?"
"They didn't die," he assured her calmly. "But they can be here if you need them?"
"Like the way the room can be what I want?" Buffy questioned.
"Not exactly. With people, it's actually them."
"How does that work?"
"Well, your soul, your essence, whatever you prefer to call it, that isn't confined to one place and one time." Buffy stared at him blankly, having difficulty taking in the information. "You can talk to them here, but they won't know it on earth. Well, they will when they die. And sometimes in their dreams."
"It's a lot."
"I know," Joss said soothingly.
Just then, there was a glowing bright light and a figure emerged into the room. She was tall, wearing an elegant white dress and a caring expression as she gazed at Buffy.
"I-I didn't wish for anyone," Buffy mumbled, turning to Joss for an explanation.
"That's actually her," Joss informed the Slayer. "Joyce," he greeted warmly as he turned to the woman.
"Joss, it's been too long." Joyce and Joss exchanged a brief hug in greeting.
"Been an eternity," Joss acknowledged with a soft chuckle.
"You do know those get old after about three uses," Joyce pointed out.
"Yeah, but I'm God; people pretty much have to laugh at my jokes."
"And that one got old the fourth time," Joyce scolded.
"Mom?" Buffy said softly.
"Hi, sweetie," said Joyce with warmth in her tone. She embraced her daughter.
"I'm so happy to see you," Buffy exclaimed, tears slipping from her eyes.
"It's okay, baby," Joyce replied.
"She's only been here a few minutes," Joss told Joyce.
"Oh, I didn't mean to interrupt," Joyce said quickly. "I just heard you were here, Buffy, and I had to come and see."
"It's okay," Buffy said, drying her eyes. "I'm really happy that you're here."
"And I've already gone over the important parts," Joss added. "I'll leave you two to catch up. Buffy, if you need me, just call."
"Call?" Buffy raised her eyebrows. "How?"
"Pray," said Joss simply.
"How?" Buffy repeated.
"It's like thinking with your heart. Trust me, if you're trying it, you're doing it." He disappeared behind a haze of black clouds.
"Wouldn't have expected the black," Buffy commented.
"He's trying to be subversive," Joyce replied. "White's in fashion right now, so he goes with the opposite. Subversion is a big thing with him."
"Not the most subtle subversion, white to black. Is that even subversion at all?"
"Sometimes he gets excited and doesn't really think it all the way through," said Joyce with an indulgent smile. "He comes up with some pretty good stuff when he runs it by Tim and Marti."
"Tim and Marti?"
"They're sort of like co-Gods," Joyce explained. "Jane usually has the best humor though."
"Jane's another one?"
"Yes."
"This really hasn't been what I expected," Buffy said with a sigh.
"And what were you expecting?"
"I don't really know. Before Joss came in – it was nothing, but bright. I was aware of myself, but still kinda lost."
"You know you can go back to that if you want," Joyce offered kindly.
"I don't want," said Buffy immediately. "I want to see what it's actually like. I wanna learn about it."
"Well, we could take the tour," said Joyce.
"There's a tour?"
Buffy's life was bliss for a very long time. Weeks, months, years, centuries, it was hard to be sure. Joss had tried to explain about time, but Buffy had decided she would come back to that one later as it had been so complicated. There was something about even a portion of an eternity still being an eternity that had stuck with Buffy. It came back to her strongly on the day her portion of eternity was brought to an end.
"And so I said to him," Xander was in the middle of telling a story, "I said, 'It's about who has more fear.'"
"Oh, that's perfect," said Buffy with a smile. "So what happened?"
"He bought the bluff," said Xander, nodding smugly. "Disarmed the bomb."
"Why did you never tell us this story?" Buffy demanded.
"I'm with Buffy," Willow added, spinning from side to side in her chair.
"You guys stopped an apocalypse that night," Xander pointed out. "It was never gonna sound as good by comparison."
The conversation was cut short by swirling black clouds.
"Enough with the subversive grandeur," Buffy told him with a roll of her eyes.
"I actually wasn't being subversive this time," Joss informed the Slayer with a frown. "I was being ominous."
"Ominous?" Buffy questioned. "Joss, we're in heaven. What could possibly be ominous?"
"You're being brought back to life," Joss announced without preamble.
"Tell Jane she's slipping," Buffy said dismissively.
"Not joking." Joss maintained a stony, straight-faced expression.
Before Buffy could say anything, a bright light flashed and a large demon entered the room. He had dark gray skin like armor and a ring around his head.
"Wrong room, Skip," Joss informed him testily.
"Oh, sorry," said the demon quickly. "I was just looking for – what's goin' on here?" he asked, noticing the fearful expression on Buffy's face.
"She's being brought back to life," Joss answered.
"Tell Jane she's slipping," Skip replied.
"Why does everyone think I'm joking?" Joss asked in frustration.
"No one leaves paradise," Skip contested.
"Well, she's special. Sunnydale needs the Slayer. And you," Joss added irritably, "have work to do elsewhere. Go find David and get him to help you out."
Skip vanished in a flash of white, but another flash followed. A blonde man with a kind-natured face looked around the room. Joss threw up his hands in frustration.
"Wash," he raged. "For my sake! You're in the completely wrong universe. What are you doing here?"
"Lookin' for you," he answered with a shrug. "I wanted to ask why my script ends on page 105."
"You're done," Joss responded. "You land the ship. You win. That's it. That's the end. It's good."
"You busy?" Wash asked.
"Obviously," said Joss, gesturing toward Buffy.
"What's goin' on?"
"She's being brought back to life. I kind of need to talk to her about it, so can you please go back to the right universe. I can't have you people crossing over too often or things could get really messy."
"Okay, I'm going," Wash mumbled.
"Where was I?" Joss looked around at Buffy and her friends.
"Joss, why is this happening?" Buffy questioned quietly.
"The world needs you, Buffy."
"But it was my time," Buffy challenged, tears forming in her eyes.
"I'm sorry," Joss offered softly.
"Why can't I stay?"
"There's more for you to do," Joss explained. "Marti and I are working on some really interesting things for Sunnydale. You wouldn't want to miss out, would you?"
"I really would," Buffy said flatly. "For one thing, I'm not exactly a fan of Marti."
"Oh, I think she's excellent," Joss argued with a frown.
"Joss," Buffy interrupted before he could get side-tracked in defense of Marti. "What makes you think I'd want to leave this place."
"You can't place all the blame on me," Joss countered. "Look at those two."
Buffy turned to Xander and Willow.
"I'm doing a spell," Willow admitted with a frown. "Right now I'm killing Bambi so I can bring you back."
"Why?" Buffy demanded angrily.
"If it's any consolation, we think you're in a hell dimension," Xander supplied.
"But – but you're here with me. Surely you know in your heart that I'm okay."
"But, Buffy they don't remember it on earth," Joss reminded her.
"Will I forget?" Buffy wasn't sure which answer she wanted to hear.
"Sort of."
"No!" Buffy screamed. "Not sort of. Why sort of? Why is nothing ever definite?"
"That's not how my universe works," Joss said shortly.
"But it's your universe," shouted the Slayer. "Why can't I stay?" she asked again. "Hit Willow with a bolt of lightning and let me stay."
"But I want you to go back, Buffy. I want to see what more you could bring to the world."
"Please don't make me go back," she begged.
"If it's worth anything, you will be allowed to come back here when you're done."
"Can you make me forget while I'm there? Can you make me forget how happy I've been?"
"You'll forget the details," Joss told her. "But you can't forget how you feel. No one forgets how they feel. People have tried since the dawn of reality, and some people can even ignore it for a while, but your feelings always resurface."
"But I get to come back, right?"
"You do, but – Buffy, it's gonna hurt for a long time."
"You'll help me though, won't you?"
"If you pray, I'll comfort you," Joss assured her. "I'll give you the good with the bad."
"I'm scared," Buffy confessed.
"I'd be concerned for your sanity if you weren't. But between you and me," he told her gently, "you're gonna be extraordinary."
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