NOT A TONKS, NOT ANYMORE

The day had finally arrived. Remus Lupin woke up early after a restless sleep, prepared himself his usual poor breakfast and watered the plants in his backyard. It was a sunny day of July, like he knew she liked so much. She deserved, he thought, it was her special day and the stars seemed to know it as well. He tried to find anything to occupy his mind until the moment he had to drag himself to the bedroom and get dressed, taking from the dresser his finest robes, the ones he had so carefully mended specially for this occasion. He pocketed his right hand in order to make sure that the piece of parchment he had written with immeasurable fondness was still there, he truly hoped he would not need to reach for it again, he hoped he would be able to look her in the eyes and say what was penned in there. After making sure that all the magical spells and locks were on ― one could never be too careful these days ― he Disapparated wondering if he was allowed to feel so nervous, he had made his decision after all and he would not back down, not today.

He entered the already full church precisely five minutes before time, spotting the several familiar faces of their friends, the Weasleys and the Tonkses, wishing none of them would see him, but knowing it was simply impossible. He had hoped not to catch Andromeda's eyes and see the glare she had offered him, saying without words, how did he dare to come? He wished he could simply come in and stand there without feeling as though he was under such a strong spotlight.

Sooner than what he would have expected, she arrived. Right on time, perhaps some things could change for special dates. Remus watched in awe as she walked down the aisle, beautiful, marvellous, astonishing in a snowy white dress and light pink hair. So typical of her, Dora. The woman of his dreams. He was no longer able of picturing himself with anyone else. It would always be Dora. His Dora. He wondered if he was allowed to call her that way. Silently, in his mind, maybe; if he kept it from anyone else. It wasn't until the moment in which Mr Tonks would have to give away his daughter that he noticed Ted; he looked proud of her, happy for her as the father of the bride should be. His eyes then darted to the man she would marry, bright green eyes, midnight black hair that matched with his dress robes and more importantly: young, wealth and whole as her fiancé should be.

Remus's heart started to pop within his chest and something else seemed to be growing inside him. Was it ... hope? All the while as the clerical pronounced the so well known words, he found himself hoping, hoping for something that would stop the wedding at that instant, a sign from the Heavens that she was not meant to marry Luke Bradley, a sign that she was meant to marry ... someone else. He dread the moment she would say the couple of words that would certainly change his life once and for all. He wished for the moment to never come and despite his wishes, it drew nearer and nearer until he asked Luke the question. He did. Remus knew he would. Anyone in their right mind would have agreed to marry that wonderful girl. Remus himself knew that he would have. Then, the clerical questioned her. He held his breath. That instant seemed to last all summer. She took her time to look in his eyes before sealing the marriage. His heart had stopped. She was not a Tonks, not anymore. They were not meant to be together, after all. It was over.

He could not deal with it, not one second longer. He had thought of himself as able to tell her in person that she had made the right choice, but he could not. He was a coward. A coward for not being able to see them happy and grinning and dancing and partying together. At that point he felt ... unfilled. As he walked like a ghost to the end of the aisle and through the door, he felt utterly empty, the most important bit of his was gone for good. Unsure of how the thought of her being happy and safe did not make it up to the hollowness, he stopped only enough to leave the piece of parchment on top of her ― their presents, hoping she would not sound repetitive and that she would understand before he vanished from the church and from her life.

Dearest Dora,

If you are reading this, it means that I was not brave enough to look into your eyes and say everything that is in here and that is yet another reason as to why you should rest assured for you did the right thing. I cannot put into words how glad I am that you made this decision, it was all I ever wanted for you, your happiness, your safety. He will keep you safe. Being the wife of the Magpies' keeper, what else could you want, right?

Listen, I am well aware that I have told you more than just a few times that I am no good for you and I will stand by it. Forever. You are an amazing woman and you deserve this, every bit of it. Please believe me when I say that I do wish that I was younger and not cursed with my affliction, I can assure you that things would have been different for us if that was the case.

I wish you all the happiness in the world, Mrs Bradley.

Remus J. Lupin

What he did not know, though, was that as she read the letter later on, before she and her newly husband had started their traditional nuptials activities, she would most definitely not understand. Her heart would skip a bit and she would wonder if he had been there, if he had noticed her hesitation upon saying that she would indeed marry Luke, if anyone would have heard when her heart begged for someone to stop that wedding right there and put some sense into her, to give her strength to keep fighting, to keep hoping that he would indeed come around eventually. But she had had enough. She could be content enough with him by her side, though nothing like her life beside Remus would be. However, one could only take so much, could only be rejected so many times.

He did not have the right, did not have the right to show up and leave her this remembrance of what they could have been. She tore the letter apart as many times as humanly possible, feeling sudden angry moisture prickling in her eyes, she turned to the only person she could then. Her husband. Even in her mind the word felt unfit. She kissed him with everything she could give him and yet, she could not take that werewolf out of her mind, she erased the smug smirk that came to his lips then by snogging him harder. This was not because of him. Whilst she rode him a little while later, with her hands all over his perfect, barrel-chested body, she could only imagine someone else beneath her. And in the end, telling him she loved him while crying noiselessly, she knew it was not meant for the man in whose arms she was in.

A/N: I just really needed to write this and get it out of my chest, all right? I don't usually cry while writing nor while reading, but I really needed to stop and take a moment with this one. I was just writing the end of another story of mine and the reviews got me to this one, so I'm sorry and thank you very much for reading.

Reviewers get to marry Remus since Dora didn't. :)