Pokemon Pyrite
Or
Pokemon Blood Diamond
Issue One:
Mom: Rae, wake up! It's two hours after noon!
*Rae is a girl (for your clarification) who lives in Davenport.*
Rae: Wha? What time is it?
Mom: Two fifteen pm. You've missed orientation! Your brother left two hours ago.
Rae: Oh no! Not again, I'm already eight years delayed!
Mom: You disgust me, sleeping in all day!
Rae: I've gotta go-maybe I'll still make it
Mom: You know, I wish I kept the receipt for the money I spent on your education!
What was the point of paying for the academy, if all you wanted to be was a pokemon trainer!?
Rae: Mom, that wasn't an academy, it was a daycare and they didn't teach me anything!
Mom: You just didn't apply yourself is all.
*Rae pulls hat and goggles over head in dramatic fashion, just like Ash and Tai's love child.*
Rae: You'll see, after I get my trainer's license I will travel the world and gain complete poketopical wisdom, and later enlighten us all as the all reigning champion of things topically attached to pokemon and pokemon mastery, which I will be the master of like no one-never was!
Mom: Well, ably proficient would okay too.
Rae: Oh yeah, I'm late! Gotta go!
*Enter P.E.T.P.O.O briefing
session*
(P.E.T.P.O.O = People for the Ethical Treatment of
Pokemon and Orthodoxy Organization)
Today is the date of the annual 'Fledger's First', an event where the government indiscriminately issues live animals dubbed 'pokemon' to ten year olds of unverified mental aptitude, and unexamined emotional health for the purpose of battling them in the gladiatorial bloodspot of 'pokebattles' and for assisting them in the further capture of potential animal trainees. Pokemon is more than a phenomenon; it's the country's main source of economy, its major export and greatest obsession. In the course of a Pokémon's career... it may be exposed to immense physical distress, psychologically altering attacks, artificially forced evolutions, growth impairment and a myriad of inadequately tested drugs and steroids. And those are the lucky ones. Due to the Government's permissive licensing system and the mass availability of pokeballs, a pokemon trainer's net and cage tool in one, have lead to the every growing issue of unaccounted pokemon; who are captured but subsequently forgotten by their masters and are left, simply to rot, in the confinement of their spherical prisons. The only condition that may disqualify a prospective trainer from certification is tardiness. Criminal and medical histories are not even reviewed. Anyone, permitting that they are over ten and on time, are entitled to obtain one, and trap any number of sentient, thinking beings, that they most likely cannot sufficiently care for.
Any questions so far…?
-Yes, Jeremy.
Jeremy: May I go to the bathroom?
*Rae arrives at the steps to Professor Willow's test facility. Confetti and balloons festoon the stairs to the facility's entrance where Willow sits smoking, an open pokeball at his side as a surrogate ashtray.*
Willow: Oh hello Rae, welcome to another missed opportunity at becoming a pokemon trainer.
Rae: Wwhat!? No! It couldn't have ended already!
W: Well, we try to keep it short for the ten year olds. They get restless after too long.
*Rae sinks head in disappointment*
W: *coughs* Come on in then, you're pathetic enough without looking it.
Rae: You'll give me a permit?
W: Someone has to give your life some direction.
*W and R enter lab*
W: You missed the PowerPoint, so I'll summarize it for you.
*Willow reaches into pocket and withdraws a number of pellets*
W: You know what these are?
Rae: Candies?!
W: No, not candies. They're pokeballs and they're used for capturing wild pokemon. These here are your generic unbranded variety available at most retailers. And we never put them in our mouth, okay, because they're not candy, or edible in anyway.
Rae: Are you supposed to take them out of the shell before you eat them? Cause I just swallowed one whole.
W: Damn it! Listen to me! They're not food!
Rae: Yes, I'm listening! Not food. Got it. I'll apply that knowledge next time.
W: Right, well...there are several precautions you'll want to take with your pokeballs to ensure their continual functionality.
One, pokeballs are not to be used as a storage device for any other entities or material but for those approved and trademarked by the Nintendo company.
In otherwords, they don't want you smuggling cocaine with their product.
Two, pokeballs should not be dissembled, tampered with, or at all insensitively treated. It voids the warranty.
Thirdly, DON'T EAT THEM!
Rae: Sorry! *speaking with her mouth full*
W: Spit it out!
*Rae dribbles two pokeballs out onto her palm* (bleh)
W:*cough*, er...uh and be careful not to expose your pokeballs to any extremes of temperature or great humidity, dust, high altitudes or microwave radiation- it's just not good for them.
Rae: What's that you say? I shouldn't expose my poker and balls? But my brother does it all the time!
*Willow glares*
W: Lastly, and this is important, never place a magnet on or around a pokeball. It can scramble the units and turn your prize catches into disfigured lumps of unfinished code…called 'MissingNO' for the error that appears when you pokedex them.
Speaking of which
*Willow reaches again into his pockets finding nothing*
Hold on
*Willow moves to his desk and removes a small object from under a glass mug*
W: Yes, here it is-your pokedex
Rae: Why is it all...sticky?
W: Sorry, I spilled coffee on it. Sometime after the fifth or sixth time you failed to show up...I began using it as a coaster.
W: Now yours is the 1996 edition, so it's a little behind the latest versions.
Rae: How so?
W: Let's see, that model was manufactured in 96...so it'll likely only recognize the original 150 known pokemon.
Rae: How many are there?
*Willow shrugs* All the cross breeding nowadays makes it hard to say.
Rae: What else cant mine do?
W: In addition to cataloging the most recently discovered pokemon, the newest come equipped with web connectivity, a music player, 900 GB of memory, telekinetic powers and a touchscreen. Plus, they plays games.
W: The version you hold has a then state of the art B & W LCD screen and was the first of its kind to be portable...you might also say its motion sensitive because it tends to work only after you shake it a few times.
Rae: Awwww lameness on a lame sandwich.
W: But do not throw it away, it contains your whole identity. Everything from your date of birth to your estimated time of death-and it's not replaceable!
Rae: I can't I trade it in?
W: Trade your pokedex? Like a pokemon? If you did, you'd be putting yourself at risk of identity theft. It's not so bad though, I bet it has minesweeper atleast. Now come this way and we'll find you a 'starter'.
*Willow stops suddenly*
W: Well actually, there aren't any starters left! The few extra were immediately euthanized. Overpopulation has become quite a problem; you can't even go into the tall grass any more without encountering some belligerent animal!
Rae: But I need a starter!
W: So you do…Hmmm. There is another option-follow me.
*R and W enter a backroom. It's like a supermarket of abuse where the aisles are comprised of rows of cages containing maimed pokemon specimens.*
Rae: What are all these pokemon doing in cages?
W: As a pokemon research facility we naturally conduct research on pokemon, and have any number on hand for that purpose.
Rae: This one has a battery sticking out of its head.
W: Yes, thanks to this little guy we now know that batteries inserted into the brain can serve no medical purpose…I made twenty dollars on the right side of that wager.
Rae: Huh. What's with this pikachu then, it's a battery imbedded in its skull too!
W: That's my cell phone. Leave it alone. It's recharging.
Rae: It doesn't look like the pikachu is enjoying it very much.
W: Never mind that and come here. Below my waist is the other option I mentioned.
Rae:…Uh…
W: Whereby I mean the pokémon! (And not any part of my lower anatomy)
Rae: This is a...?
W: A charmander.
Rae: Why is it yellow? Did it eat too many carrots?
W: Solid foods are out of the equation for lab testees like Charmander. We don't want their digestion concentrated on anything but the drugs we give them, so ours are fed only liquefied soybeans and gelatin capsules for fiber.
W: Its Jaundice complexion is the result of toxology testing on a prototype of the evolution aid 'Evolin', or 'Rare Candy' as the public's come to know it. Among other things the stimulant was found to induce permanent pigment change and a generally sarcastic attitude that we could have done without.
*Charmander glares upward at Willow*
Rae: Among other things?
W: It may spittle blood occasionally.
Rae: That sounds serious!
W: It's nothing that napkins can't handle.
Rae: I think I'm developing negative feelings about your practice.
W: Listen, pokemon testing is a necessary measure in ensuring drug and product safety. The only alternative is testing on humans and children are far harder to catch and significantly less legal to keep.
There are the logical advantages as well; for instance, Charmanders are especially ideal for testing because their tail's flame gauges their vitality, making it easy to observe a drug's consequences.
And remember Rae, if we didn't have animal testing you wouldn't have so many verities of candies to eat, the dyes and synthetic additives of which were tirelessly tried in experimental concentrations, and precarious combinations on thousands of pokemon nationwide in facilities just like this one. How else would candy makers find the perfect balance of edible and yum?
Rae: I do like candy!
W: That's a good girl!
W: Now, do you choose this charmander to be your lawfully wedded starter?
Rae: What were the other options?
W: This is the other option, either you accept charmander or return next year on time.
Rae: Then yes! Out of circumstance, I choose charmander.
W: I'll move him to his pokeball.
Rae: No need! I plan to treat my pokemon like equals, letting them walk free by my side.
W: That might work, as long as you don't mind being denied entry to nearly every hotel and restaurant.
*Willow unhinges cage*
W: But whatever you want. Transporting him to a pokeball should require my stick and gloves. Most lab pokemon have come to associate leaving their cages with the needling that comes after and won't be taken easy.
Rae: But I bet some treats would entice him out.
*Rae withdraws pokeballs*
W: Idoit! I told you those aren't candy!
Rae: Shhh. Lookie here Charmander, mmmnnn, yummy yumnums just for you, come on...come and get em.
*Charmander is immune to bait*
W: I'll get the stick.
Rae: No don't, I want to start this right. Charmander...I'm Rae your trainer and friend, come on out now, come on, come on charmander...come to momma, please!
*Charmander is immune to pleading*
Rae: Don't you get it; I own your freedom now!
*Charmander struggles to rise*
Rae: Professor, what's wrong with him? I don't think he can walk!
W: Huh? Oh...hrmm, it's possible his leg muscles have atrophied somewhat in confinement. That should improve as he evolves.
Rae: Right, so I'll just have to carry him.
*Rae reaches into cage, yelps and withdraws her hand with the charmander clamped around it*
W: That's why we use the stick!
Rae: I'm okay. It doesn't hurt so bad. Rodent bites are far worse.
W: I'll get disinfectant. Wait for me in the lobby!
*Rae escorts herself to the door, cradling the petulant charmander in her arms. At her designation she meets a girl crouched over a chair who appears slighty anxious*
Girl: Hello, do you know if professor Willow is available?
Rae: Yeah, he should be coming round any minute.
Girl: Oh good! I have a question for him, and...Oh serendipity, I think I have one for you too.
Rae: Oh?
Girl: Is that a yellow charmander? I've only ever heard of red.
Rae: Yep, they usually are, but mine's a rarity, something like one in a million.
Girl: Is the discoloration due to a genetic disorder? Sorry, these things interest me.
Rae: No, I think my charmander is very well ordered thank you!
Girl: I didnt mean to imply. You know, yellow is my favorite color. But if your charmander didn't get into the tanning solution I'd guess it was pigmentally defective.
*Willow enters suddenly*
W: I've got the Bactine, Rae show me your hand
*Rae complies*
W: Rae, this hand is filthy. It looks like it's covered in several stratums of sedimentary rock.
Rae: I refer to them as the crust, mantle and core.
W: Do you ever wash them?
Rae: In the creek.
W: Try for sink and soap especially if you're going to be handling Charmander. Salmonella isn't uncommon to lizard types.
Girl: Wow, what a nasty gash, how did you get that?
W: Sarah? Why hell, I didn't see you there.
Sarah: I had some residual questions from our talk. The door was open so I guessed it was alright to come in.
W: Yeah, our custodian doesn't always remember to check the locks.
S:…
W: But what can I help you with?
S: Well I wanted to ask…earlier when you said "there are no formal educational bodies operating any longer in this state"…did you really mean? We're you serious that-
W: Yes?
S: That there are no schools here?!
W: None currently permissible under government law.
S: But that doesn't make sense! It's the obligation of every nation to ensure their people's education.
W: You've been reading too many manifestos.
S: I thought it was common opinion. Where I'm from you were compelled to go to school. Before moving it never occurred to me that I couldn't finish mine here.
W: Our nation's is a pokemon based economy. A large portion of our state's welfare hinges on the productivity of pokemon trainers and factory workers. The problem is neither profession requires a particularly deep education. Therefore for 80% of the country's workforce schooling is an unnecessary endeavor that actually detracts from national earnings by preoccupying potential workers.
S: That doesn't warrant a ban on academics!
W: 'Formal education' has ended, but there's likely some learning still circulating under the mentorship of hermits or in some backwoods convent.
S: I shouldn't have to join a cult to educate myself.
R: There's daycare, that's what I did!
W: That makes sense; I've always suspected that had a hand in delaying kid's cognitive development.
S: Professor, I'm still confused. How did you achieve accreditation if they're no schools?
W: Accreditation? Are you referring to gym badges?
S: No, I mean the certification that obtained you your license and title.
W: I don't need a license; I'm not a pokemon trainer!
S: Do you even have a college degree? Do you even know what a college degree is? Does this nation even know?!
W: Sarah, please, you're about 2/3rsds question and I'm about ¼ answer, and 3/4ths fried from working this job, and in the middle of an orientation! While I finish, why don't you take a few deep breaths and organize your questions into a single file line for me to address later.
S: Of course, sorry. I can wait.
W: Now Rae, as you're probably aware pokemon orientation is a very exciting time, but can also be confusing. It's around this time that our bodies first begin to change. As with pokemon when these changes occur can vary between person to person, and though your time may differ from your friends each person's change is natural and will result in newly gained abilities. Although as thrilling and scary as these new abilities may feel, part of the change is learning to master them.
Rae: You're saying I get new abilities!
W: Actually, here…this pamphlet will explain everything.
*Willow hands Rae 'Welcome to the World of Pokemon, Unwanted Hair, Periodic Bleeding and Criminal Culpability'*
Rae: It says here that puberty is the number one cause of childbirth and the best way to prevent it is to attack the source-mental and physical growth. "Daily interaction with repetitive card battle videogames and hormone suppressants are the newest breakthroughs in maturity prevention."
S: That's hideously backwards!
W: Pokemon aren't the only thing overpopulating.
Rae: And wow, starting next year you can have your ovaries "pregnancy proofed" at any federal clinic for no charge and receive a promotional holographic pokemon card. I want a free pokemon card!
S: I feel ill.
Rae: Below that it reads "only in select cities, and while supply lasts". That means it's limited edition! It's a lvl 100 Magicarp if I'm missing this!
W: By the door there's a table of baggies that contain deodorant and tampons and other hygienic utensils I rather not think how you've done without. You'll also find a lollipop and a free Nintendo Power inside.
Rae: What's a tampon?
W: I'm a doctor---------not a gynecologist!
Rae: Huh?
W: Beyond their inferior brain size I know little about female biology.
S: Wait, did I? No, I think I must have misheard you.
W: Probably, miscomprehension is a serial symptom of small mental magnitude. But, most major sties have instituted translative ideograms to account for the fairer sex's handicap. I trust you're familiar with gyneglyphics.
S: Would that be the reason every public building and signpost is accompanied by the image of either a sowing machine or saucepan?
W: Yes, and vacuum cleaner, washclouth and other characters of the feminine alphabet. Although, the language has become increasingly obsolete since the government began replacing writ for symbols to appease general illiteracy.
A lot has changed, it used to be that women were all together denied licenses, until recently when the congress passed the 'Crystal Expansion' in response to a study that proved women's brains were just big enough to minister pokemon. (Just barely though)
S: Just barely?!
W: Well, not really. But, in pokemon caretaking their cerebral slack is assisted by instinctual urges to nurture that male's lack. Theorists suspect this is because women's mammorial glands act as sub-primate brains that compensate their higher brain by recepting feeling transmissions from surrounding organisms.
S: You make it sound like men and women evolved separately!
Rae: Of course they did! Just like Nidoking and Nidoqueen!
W: Exactly, hence why women learn the move submission naturally whereas men must be taught it.
R: You seem to know more about female biology than you first claimed!
W: When I voted against women's suffrage, I wanted to be informed
…Sarah you're shaking.
W: If that's true, take it outside. I don't want to be liable for someone unable to attack or defend.
S: But I have more to ask you!
W: I'm not made of expositives! There's player guides for that! What more could you possibly have to ask?
S:…
W: Here, tell you what. Go to the lap entrance, and I'll meet you after initiation. As an equal opportunity employer the lap has gyneglypics inplace to navigate by. Follow the clothes iron to the baby stroller to find the exit.
S: I…um, nevermind.
*Sarah leaves appearing significantly disoriented*
W: Alright Rae, I presume you know the gist about pokemon combat strategy.
Rae: Yes! Obtain a team of legendary pokemon and spam their most powerful attacks until your opponent is made dead.
W: Hmmm, yes, I suppose that about covers it. And, do you mind? I need to smoke?
Rae: Not at all. In my opinion black would look as good on my lungs as on anything.
W: No, I mean do you mind if I use your chamander to ignite my cigarette?
Rae: Oh, uh, not at all.
*Willow dips his cig into the charmander's tail flame*
W: Thanks, I couldn't find my lighter.
Rae: You can smoke in the lab?
W: Tobacco products are one of the many we test here. This reminds me, your charmander may have asthma. Also, you should probably check him for throat or lung cancer down the line.
*Charmander is seen wheezing*
W: Perhaps I'm mistaken, but I believe that we've covered the gamut. Your pokedex is also a phone, if I'm forgetting anything I have its number. Regardless, I'll call you periodically to act as a plot device, check up on your progress, or how you're feeling . You know, stalker stuff.
W: If you need me, you'll find my number already programmed into your contact list.
Rae: There's two Willows listed here. Who's Shania?
W: Sorry, I may have used your pokedex phone to harass my ex-wife. If she calls, don't answer. And, you'll probably want to run through your contacts and erase any eight hundred numbers. Nights get lonely at the lab, and sometimes I like to hear a woman's voice.
Rae: Right.
W:…
Rae:…
W: So, kid. You're now a pokemon trainer!
Rae: Yes!
W: You remember where the exit is?
Rae: This is it? I sort of thought this ceremony would end with explosions, a musical interlude or atleast a cheery sound effect.
W: Would it be more festive if I pointed to the door?
Rae: You're not coming?
W: I'm exiting another way.
Rae: But that girl wanted to talk to you.
W: Try to ignore her if you can.
*At the lab entrance Rae giddily springs from the doors with Charmander in tow. The pokemon squints at the sun, and thinks to itself. *So that's what the sun looks like. I'd forgotten.*
Rae: All riiight! I am now officially, unequivocally, a bona-fide member of the world's pokemon professionals!
Sarah: Excuse me, but your charmander is hemorrhaging all over my shoes.
Rae: Don't worry; it's nothing napkins can't handle!
Sarah: I'm thinking he may need serious medical attention.
Rae: I've got a potion! That should do it
Sarah: I don't think a carbonated beverage is adequate replacement for a doctor.
Rae: But it's reinforced with ginsing!
Sarah: Maybe Willow can direct us to a hospital. Did he mention if he'd be out shortly?
Rae: I don't think he's coming. It looks like he's turned off the lights.
Sarah: And...the door's locked now.
Sarah: Wait! Is that him closing the blinds?
Rae: No, that's one of his aides. But if you look behind you, I think that's him sneaking out the side window.
Sarah: WTF! Professor! What are you doing! Comeback, I have questions!!
Willow: Leave me alone!
Rae: Wow, he runs pretty fast for a middle aged smoker.
*From around the building Alex, Rae's brother, appears*
Alex: Hey Rae, mom said you'd be here.
Rae: Alex, guess who finally got her handler's license!
Alex: Is that your pokemon? Why is it covered in blood?
Rae: Oh that? That's all that's left of our last opponent.
Sarah: (It really isn't)
Alex: Think your pokemon can beat my bulbasaur?
Rae: I don't know. Are fire types effective against ugly?
Alex: You're just jealous because my pokemon is more delicious than yours.
*Alex raises a handful of seeds to his mouth*
Rae: Are those your bulbasaur's seeds you're eating?!
Alex: They're bland on their own, but it only takes a little salt to unleash the flavor within. Mom says their toxic, but I think I'm alright. I never eat more than I can fit in my mouth at one time.
Rae: Alex! You're eating your pokemon's unsprouted children.
Alex: I'm pro-choice if you haven't noticed.
Sarah: Fight him, fire is effective against grass.
Alex: Hey! No schooling from the sidelines!
Rae: Let's go Alex. It's a duel!
Alex: Wait! I can't find my pokeballs.
Rae: What did you say? You can't find your poker and balls!
Alex: Yes, Rae. Because that line never gets old.
Rae: *tee hee*
Alex: Oh, here. They were in my back pocket
Rae: What's that? You say you've a poker and balls in your back pocket?
*Alex deploys Bulbasaur*
Rae: Go Charmander! I choose you!
Rae: Charmander?
Sarah: He's coming. One foot at a time.
*Charmander slowly descends the steps leading to the lab, taking care to hold the railing. Finally, he appears before bulbasaur prepared for battle*
Rae: Okay charmander! Flame thrower attack.
Charmander: CHARRRR!
*Charmander exhales a torrent of blood. Everyone appears shocked, then after a few panels disappointed*
Alex: um, alright, something's obviously wrong with your charmander. I can't continue this battle on good conscious.
Rae: Oh! Look at your bulbasaur! K.O!
Alex: The sight of blood makes him queasy. He's of a sensitive disposition.
Rae: Sensitive disposition, you're the one who challenged me to fight!
Alex: Whatever, I'm going to go harvest my bulbasaur for seeds. Later!
*Rae sticks out tongue with arms crossed*
Alex: This isn't a win by the way!
Rae: The hell is isn't!
*Sarah taps Rae gently on the shoulder*
Rae: Yes?
*Sarah points to charmander who is lying on his side in the grass breathing heavily*
Sarah: So, you agree now about going to the hospital?
To be continued…