A/N- I do not own Twilight, but I am grateful to Stephenie Meyer for creating characters that are so fun to play with.
Only a broken heart can heal
A Twilight one-shot, told from Sam Uley's POV
It's a lot of weight to bear, knowing you have broken someone's heart. True, it was inevitable, but nothing on earth or in heaven could make it hurt any less.
Leah was a dream come true for me. While other boys fantasized about the white girls in the town over, while they thought about how to escape the reservation, while they were obsessed with turning their back on traditions that meant less and less to them each year, I wanted just the opposite. With Leah, I could put down roots in the reservation. If we had children, they would grow up surrounded by family, attending bonfires, and knowing the stories. Leah and I would grow old and see our grandchildren grow up playing the same games as we did, attending the same schools, and getting into the same mischief. When we died, we would be buried together in the cemetery, our matching headstones proclaiming our undying love for each other right up until the end.
Even though we were only in high school, I knew that it would be easy to stay with Leah forever. I did love her, and I knew she loved me. Our parents were pleased, to say the least. Her father had given me pre-emptive permission to ask for Leah's hand, even though I had never before mentioned anything to him. My mother was just happy that I was happy.
From holding hands on the way to school, to touching our feet under the lunchroom table, to sneaking a kiss in the hallway between classes, Leah and I were always together. Our teachers were careful not to seat us close to each other because they knew that otherwise we would never get anything done. Minutes turned into hours during the classes we didn't have together, and I would drive myself crazy waiting to be with her again.
One night, a week before graduation, I broke open the jar in which I kept ten years' worth of saved coins. My mother let me borrow one of her canvas bags, and I took all of the coins to the bank, exchanged them for cash, and walked next door to the jeweler's. It wasn't much, but with the help of the salesman I picked out a very small diamond set in a delicate band of gold. Walking home, the tiny box felt heavier than all of the coins had that morning.
My mother was supportive. I was young, but then so was she when she got married. After all, I was a great deal more mature than my father. She was sure I could handle a marriage. We didn't have to get married right away; I knew Leah wanted to go to college, and I would give her that opportunity. I just wanted her to know my intentions and show her that I was committed.
The invitation to Leah's graduation party came in the mail the next morning. I had known about it before, of course, but the reminder gave me an idea. I would ask Leah in front of all of our family and friends, and the graduation party would become an engagement party. She was sure to say yes. We had talked about marriage before, and we both assumed we would end up together. We were so in love, and what could change that?
Two hours before the party was to start, I couldn't leave my room. I had changed clothes five times already, and was considering changing again. I had slicked my hair back with water, then changed my mind and tousled it so it wouldn't be so severe looking. I had practiced asking Leah in front of the mirror until I couldn't think anymore. Mom knocked on the door and walked in to ask me if I was ready to go. How could I explain to my mother that today I was getting engaged? The clothes I wore today would always be the clothes I wore on the day that I got engaged. The way I wore my hair would always be the way my hair looked on the day that I got engaged. The way I asked Leah to marry me would always be how we remembered our engagement. The decisions wore heavy on me until mom reminded me that no matter what I do today, it will not make my eventual marriage any better or worse. The best thing I could do, she told me, was to enjoy the moment.
With a couple of deep breaths, she had me out the door and in the car, ready to start the rest of my life.
There were already a few cars out front, so I knew that mom and I weren't the first to arrive, but that was ok. I flattened the front of my shirt and knocked on the front door. Sue opened the door wide and when she saw me, threw her arms around me telling me how happy she was that I was there, and looked knowingly at mom. I could have sworn mom had said something to her, but she never did let on.
Leah came to the door, took me by the hand, and led me out through the back porch to introduce me to some of her family. I shook hands with her uncle and aunt and made small talk with them while Leah went to greet more guests. My apprehension about my intended upcoming proposal was extremely distracting, so after a while I just sat with my hands between my knees, staring at the floor.
I heard the front door open as a breeze came into the porch from the house, and my head snapped up to search for its origin. Leah came through with her hand around another woman's shoulders, and introduced the woman as her cousin, Emily.
My first instinct was to get down on one knee, pull out the small box containing the ring destined for Leah's finger, and ask for Emily's hand in marriage instead. I swallowed hard, embarrassed by the thought, but unable to shake the feeling. Not trusting myself to get up and walk over to, nor to say anything, and I simply nodded. I was willing to risk Leah thinking I was being a little rude than the alternative, which was to break her heart in front of her family and make a fool of myself by throwing myself at a woman who was, for all intents and purposes, a stranger to me.
As they walked back into the house, I could see Leah and Emily talking, no doubt about my strange reaction. I excused myself from the porch by saying that I didn't feel well and needed some fresh air, and slipped through the back door.
Far enough away from the house so that I wouldn't be noticed, I collapsed onto my knees. What had just happened? I was in love with Leah, I was going to propose to Leah today, and yet every time I pictured Leah's face, all I could see was Emily's. Abruptly, I vomited into a bed of petunias. My breathing got staggered. This was normal, I rationalized to myself; lots of men have had cold feet or second thoughts. That's all it was, I assured myself, so I had to pull myself together and get back to the party. Everything would be fine once I proposed to Emily. No! Leah, I corrected myself.
I still felt queasy as I walked back into the house, feeling genuinely ill. Just nerves, I repeated over and over again. Leah ran to meet me when she saw me come through the door and asked if I was alright. She said that her aunt and uncle had expressed concern about me since I had looked sick. I was a little bit relieved; if she thought I was sick, then that could be an excuse for why I seemed so rude to her cousin. Her beautiful, amazing cousin. I shook off thinking about Emily's face, her hair, her hands…at least I thought I was shaking them off.
After making sure I wouldn't vomit again, I told Leah that I was fine, and she could take me to meet the rest of her family. I shook hands with more aunts and uncles and cousins, all the while looking around for Emily. As I focused on taking steady breaths, I saw some familiar faces and hurried to their side. If I couldn't will the thoughts of Emily to cease, maybe I could distract myself from them. Jacob, Embry, and Quil were teasing each other between bites of fish fry while next to them, Jacob's father, Billy, was standing around a bowl of chips talking to Leah's father and Old Quil.
Though the boys were younger than me by four years, Jacob's older sisters Rebecca and Rachel were in my class at school. I walked over to them casually and helped myself to some fish, hoping to join their lighthearted conversation. Unfortunately, Harry caught my eye and called me over to his side. I suppose I'm glad now that he did, otherwise who knows when I would have learned what was to happening to me? Harry put his arm around me, bragging about how Leah had found herself a winner. Billy took my hand and shook it hard, ribbing Harry about being in love with his daughter's boyfriend. I offered my hand to Old Quil out of politeness and was surprised at how strong his hand felt in mine.
When I looked up to his face, Old Quil was deathly pale. I put my hand to his shoulder to ask if he was ok, but he beat me to the punch, asking if I felt okay. As I thought about it, I didn't feel ok. First, I couldn't stop thinking about another woman. Second, I felt as if I was about to jump out of my skin or burn up.
The more I thought about how I felt, the worse the feelings got. I apologized to Old Quil, asked Harry to let Leah know I went home sick, and ran out the front door.
That was the first time, on the way back from Leah's house. One minute I was running on two legs, the next, on four. I thought I was going insane; it couldn't have occurred to me that what was happening to me had happened to my ancestors. I couldn't remember the stories, I could only run and run and hope that as I ran, things would start to make sense.
For days, I hid in the forest, alternating between wolf and human. It was spring, but the nights were still chilly. My clothes had been left in tatters along the road, and I was too scared to go back home and get new ones. Even naked, though, the chill did not bother me.
Impervious as I was to the weather, hunger still plagued me. I refused to give in to the frightening instincts that drove me as a wolf, and so I had not eaten since I left Leah's. And so it was that I showed up at my mother's doorstep, naked, frightened, and starving. There, sitting as if he had sat there for ages, was Old Quil, waiting.
After my mother's sobbing embraces, I took a shower and got dressed while Old Quil sat, still waiting in the living room. He motioned for me to sit by him as he explained what was happening. At first, I thought it was a joke, but as I watched his face and listened to his stories, I realized that I wasn't insane. Or, at least, Old Quil was telling the truth. He let me sit in silence for a while as I took in everything he had told me.
And then I remembered Emily. No, that's not right; I say that now as if I had forgotten her, as if I could have ever forgotten Emily. I asked Old Quil if my sudden change in emotions could have anything to do with my current situation.
He told me that it sometimes happens. His father, for example, had described his love for his wife as if it were as strong to his tether to life. The good news, Old Quil said, is that when you find your soul mate, when a Quileute imprints, there are no need for secrets. The bad news, I thought, was that my soul mate was apparently not Leah.
Ashamed, I avoided Leah. When she came to the house, I would sneak out the back and run into the woods. My mother was sympathetic; she knew how much I was suffering, and so she told Leah that I was sick. In a way, it was the truth. I couldn't stop thinking about Emily, but that didn't mean I never thought about Leah. Eventually, Sue came over to talk with my mother, and I knew then that I had to face Leah soon or risk hurting her even more.
I walked over to her house and knocked on her door, almost more frightened than I had been the first time that I phased. When Leah opened the door, her face was set in a scowl. She asked me where the hell I had been and told me that there was no way I had been sick enough not to see her for the past few weeks. I hung my head and listened to her until she had no more to say, and then I apologized. There were no excuses I could make and nothing I could say except for "sorry". I knew I could never stop telling her I was sorry. For a while, the air hung heavy with silence between us. She studied my face and came to the conclusion on her own; it was over. Turning on her heel, she slammed the door in my face. I could hear her sobbing as I walked away.
I never knew a heart could break even as it was being reborn.
The skies opened up and started to pour on me as I made my way down the road back to my house. I kept my head down and my eyes on the road. The sight of my own clothes, tattered to shreds on the berm, was startling. Why had no one seen them or moved them in the past few weeks? Slowly, I picked up my shirt and pants so that I could dispose of them at home, when something fell out.
I bent over to pick up the small box before it could be soaked with the rain now saturating the grass. A sob shook my chest as I opened the lid and looked inside at the small token that had symbolized such a different future than the one now ahead of me.
Everything had changed, and there was no sense avoiding my new fate now, so I started running. I had to find Emily.
It would be cool to be able to say that I remembered her scent from meeting her at the party, so I went wolf and tracked her down, but the reality was sublimely human. I searched for her online. Her address was listed and she didn't live that far away.
I was halfway to her house when I realized that I had no idea what I was going to say when I got there. Did I profess my love for her right away? Propose on the spot? Did I invite her on a date? She knew that I had been dating Leah, what might she think of me?
My thoughts and fears preoccupied me until I found myself standing in front of her house with my finger on the doorbell.
She opened the door. My heart skipped. I started sweating. I still hadn't planned anything after this point.
I said the first thing that came to my head. It was stupid.
"Hi Emily, we met at Leah's graduation party, remember?"
Stupid, stupid, stupid, reminding her of my relationship with her cousin. But then she replied.
"Yeah, Sam, right?"
My name coming from her mouth was the sweetest syllable that anyone had ever uttered anywhere. I could live a whole lifetime contemplating the sound of her voice as she said my name.
I stared at her, willing her to say my name again and again, but saying nothing. Finally, for lack of anything else to do or say, I asked her if she would take a walk with me. She looked utterly suspicious, but agreed nonetheless.
For a while we said nothing, but walked together around the neighborhood. I resisted the urge to reach for her hand, but reveled in her nearness. After a few minutes, Emily stopped short.
"What is this about, Sam? And why did you break up with Leah?"
I turned to stare at her, and my mouth acted of its own volition. I told her everything. I told her how I had been in love with her cousin, and I told her of my plans to propose at the graduation party. I told her how I felt when she had walked in the room, I told her how I felt when she left the room, and how I could not stop thinking about her since then. I told her what Old Quil had told me, but was afraid to show her for fear that I might hurt her, knowing how I lost control when I phased.
Her reaction crushed me, probably as much as I had crushed Leah just hours earlier. She ran crying away from me and into her house, slamming the door behind her. That was two women that had reacted to me that way in one day.
Love is a funny thing. As crushed as I was, I was even more determined to win Emily's heart. I was persistent, and in addition to sending flowers to her doorstep every day, I wrote letters that I sent to her, describing the way I felt about her.
She was my world now. She was my reason for being, my muse, my everything. I guess in the end, it's hard to resist blind devotion of that magnitude. At first I welcomed her anger, as much as it upset me, as punishment for what I had done to Leah. I welcomed it because at least she felt something for me. Slowly, her anger dissipated, and she relented.
She agreed to one date; dinner in Port Angeles. She held my hand that night, I kissed her lips, and we never looked back. A few months later, I slipped her the ring that had been intended for Leah's finger.
I did get my wish; to settle down in the reservation with a Quileute, but I robbed Leah of her opportunity to do the same. At least, she seemed to think that I had. Leah has never forgiven me, though she was forced to understand, at least a little, once she phased.
I have a new wish these days, and I hope that, like the rest of them, this one will come true as well. I know she thinks it is impossible, but I pray with every fiber of my being that Leah finds her soul mate.
Once she does, she will be as happy as I am.
She will understand why I had no choice.
Please review :) Thank you! If you enjoyed this, check out my story in progress, "Parhelia" at .net/s/5722854/1/Parhelia