Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to John Wells, Edward Allen Bernero, NCB and a bunch of other people I don't know.
Dedication: This story is for CCA :) Because, if it wasn't for her helping me to tap into my creative side, I'd still be sitting on my lazy butt.
Reflections: By Jewel21
You know all my life I've tried to follow the rules and do the right thing. I like to think that I've succeeded. I grew up wanting to help people. It's the reason why I became a cop, and a damn good cop, too. I used to feel such pride knowing that I was helping to make a difference out there in the world. But, ever since I arrested Mikey, I haven't been the same. I don't have the same passion that I once had for my job. I used to wake up every morning looking forward to going to work. Now, you tell me how many people can say that about their jobs? I used to put on that uniform knowing that I was helping to make a difference. "To serve and protect," I've lived by those words everyday since joining the force. They weren't something that I took lightly. I loved protecting the innocent and helping to put the scum behind bars where they belonged. It used to give me such a rush knowing that I was slowly helping to make the world a better place. I loved being a cop. It's who I am. It's all I know how to be.
But now I'm not sure about anything anymore. Now, when I wake up in the morning, I just lie in bed reflecting on my life and what's become of it. The thought of going to work seems like a waste. I mean, what the hell is the point? I'm supposed to be one of the good guys, damn it! I'm a cop! That's supposed to count for something. But, when I close my eyes, all I see is the distrust and disdain in my mother's eyes when she found out what I did. She looked at me as though I was a piece of trash. That hurt. God, I can't even begin to describe how much that hurt. She should be looking at Mikey like that, or my father. They should be the ones witnessing the disappointment in her eyes, not me.
All I've ever tried to do growing up is to help others. That's why I chose to wear this badge. That's why I put on this uniform everyday. People come to me when they're in trouble. They see this uniform, and everything that it stands for, and know that they can trust me to do the right thing. But, how the hell am I supposed to do my job knowing that the people I care about the most, the people I love, look at me as though I'm no better than the perps I'm trying to put behind bars?
My own mother won't even speak to me anymore. She's practically disowned me, her own son. I became a cop because I wanted to do what was right. That's why I arrested Mikey that night, two weeks ago. Because, I believed that ultimately that's what it was going to take to finally set him on the right path and hopefully save his life. So why can't they see that? Why can't they understand that I was just trying to help the only way I knew how? Now, I find myself asking what's the point of doing the right thing when it only ends up costing you everyone you care about?
I find myself going to work now, and I have no drive, no passion for my job and that scares me. That scares the shit out of me. How am I supposed to do my job if I'm constantly asking myself what the point is? I go out there and try to help people and it just seems as though it's all for nothing. Take this call Faith and I had earlier today. Some jackass decides that he's going to use his wife for a punching bag. So what happens? Well, Faith and I go in there trying to help and finally convince her to press charges. But, two hours later, she goes down to the station and bails the bastard out. So, what the hell was fucking point? Why do I even bother? I'm just so sick of trying to do the right thing and not having my efforts appreciated.
I have no idea what's going to happen now. But, I do know one thing for sure. Nothing will ever be the same again. Even if my mother would eventually forgive me, we wouldn't be able to go back to the same relationship we once had. Same thing with Mikey. Too much has happened. I only hope that this feeling will pass and I'll finally be able to find some meaning in my life again because, right now, I'm just lost. You know I'm supposed to go out there and give 110% of myself and I haven't been doing that lately. My head and heart aren't in the game and that terrifies me. Because, that could end up costing me my life out there, or Faith's.
End
Dedication: This story is for CCA :) Because, if it wasn't for her helping me to tap into my creative side, I'd still be sitting on my lazy butt.
Reflections: By Jewel21
You know all my life I've tried to follow the rules and do the right thing. I like to think that I've succeeded. I grew up wanting to help people. It's the reason why I became a cop, and a damn good cop, too. I used to feel such pride knowing that I was helping to make a difference out there in the world. But, ever since I arrested Mikey, I haven't been the same. I don't have the same passion that I once had for my job. I used to wake up every morning looking forward to going to work. Now, you tell me how many people can say that about their jobs? I used to put on that uniform knowing that I was helping to make a difference. "To serve and protect," I've lived by those words everyday since joining the force. They weren't something that I took lightly. I loved protecting the innocent and helping to put the scum behind bars where they belonged. It used to give me such a rush knowing that I was slowly helping to make the world a better place. I loved being a cop. It's who I am. It's all I know how to be.
But now I'm not sure about anything anymore. Now, when I wake up in the morning, I just lie in bed reflecting on my life and what's become of it. The thought of going to work seems like a waste. I mean, what the hell is the point? I'm supposed to be one of the good guys, damn it! I'm a cop! That's supposed to count for something. But, when I close my eyes, all I see is the distrust and disdain in my mother's eyes when she found out what I did. She looked at me as though I was a piece of trash. That hurt. God, I can't even begin to describe how much that hurt. She should be looking at Mikey like that, or my father. They should be the ones witnessing the disappointment in her eyes, not me.
All I've ever tried to do growing up is to help others. That's why I chose to wear this badge. That's why I put on this uniform everyday. People come to me when they're in trouble. They see this uniform, and everything that it stands for, and know that they can trust me to do the right thing. But, how the hell am I supposed to do my job knowing that the people I care about the most, the people I love, look at me as though I'm no better than the perps I'm trying to put behind bars?
My own mother won't even speak to me anymore. She's practically disowned me, her own son. I became a cop because I wanted to do what was right. That's why I arrested Mikey that night, two weeks ago. Because, I believed that ultimately that's what it was going to take to finally set him on the right path and hopefully save his life. So why can't they see that? Why can't they understand that I was just trying to help the only way I knew how? Now, I find myself asking what's the point of doing the right thing when it only ends up costing you everyone you care about?
I find myself going to work now, and I have no drive, no passion for my job and that scares me. That scares the shit out of me. How am I supposed to do my job if I'm constantly asking myself what the point is? I go out there and try to help people and it just seems as though it's all for nothing. Take this call Faith and I had earlier today. Some jackass decides that he's going to use his wife for a punching bag. So what happens? Well, Faith and I go in there trying to help and finally convince her to press charges. But, two hours later, she goes down to the station and bails the bastard out. So, what the hell was fucking point? Why do I even bother? I'm just so sick of trying to do the right thing and not having my efforts appreciated.
I have no idea what's going to happen now. But, I do know one thing for sure. Nothing will ever be the same again. Even if my mother would eventually forgive me, we wouldn't be able to go back to the same relationship we once had. Same thing with Mikey. Too much has happened. I only hope that this feeling will pass and I'll finally be able to find some meaning in my life again because, right now, I'm just lost. You know I'm supposed to go out there and give 110% of myself and I haven't been doing that lately. My head and heart aren't in the game and that terrifies me. Because, that could end up costing me my life out there, or Faith's.
End