A/N: Unlike... every other chaptered fic I've ever written, this is going to be completely off-the-cuff. Minimal planning, little to no writing ahead, short chapters.

Originally I was working on what would have been a much longer draft. It featured much of the same stuff -- epic Quidditch; James and Albus in the mother of all family feuds; James making a wreck of his life; Teddy and Victoire inviting him to go with them somewhere exotic to clear his head awhile; a love interest named Magda; Auror-of-Awesomeness!Harry; James finding his true calling... only James never did find a calling in that narrative.

That's when I came up with this simpler, more crackified version. Since conscientiousness didn't get me very far, I decided to just have fun with this one. You have been warned.

Balance

Chapter 1 -- The Scare

It was after a long day of keeping law and order that Harry James Potter (Order of Merlin, First Class; Master of Death; Head of the Auror Office; the Boy Who Lived and the Man Who Lived) Apparated with a slight stagger outside his front door. There were still bits of vampire guts on his boots, and ink splattered his chin, testifying to the speed with which he and Ron had raced through their report like so much distasteful Divination homework. With a weary grin, he braced himself. This was the toughest part of the day.

He let himself in, stiffening for the sounds of shouting, banging, and whistling --

-- and closed the door again, hearing only its click.

He blinked. Then sighed. He kicked off the begrimed boots, remembering with a sinking feeling that his home's glory days as a zany madhouse of carefully-controlled chaos appeared to be over.

With another sigh, he flopped into an armchair and closed his eyes, trying to enjoy the peace instead of resenting the silence.

He started considering dinner -- Ginny was training for an exhibition match of "Living Legends" on the international Quidditch scene. Harry missed her, despite being the better cook. The count over the fireplace said he had missed fourteen Floos, and his heart leapt in hope that those had been her. He wished he could have taken off and accompanied her to France, but he had used up more than his fair share of holiday time when the kids were younger.

Which meant it would have been nice if said kids -- now frighteningly close to adulthood -- were around to share in this exile. But Luna Lovegood had invited Lily for her annual Crumple-Horned Snorkack chase, Albus had left that morning to spend a weekend camping with Scorpius Malfoy, and James --

The fireplace whooshed into life right on cue; Harry peered at it to see the head of a wild-eyed Teddy Lupin bobbing in the green flames.

"Oh, thank goodness you're finally home, Harry!"

Harry, who had heard more promising starts to a conversation, was immediately on edge, wondering why he hadn't spared more thought for those fourteen missed Floos before. "Teddy? Is it James?" he demanded. Never mind that, over the past few months, he had frequently wanted to strangle his eldest: a cold hand clenched his heart and squeezed. "Where is he?"

"He's here, he's here, we have him here!" cried Teddy quickly, looking guilty as hell.

Harry exhaled. "All right -- only don't scare me like that, Teddy, I was worried enough about sending James with you and Victoire to begin with because of those siren sisters they say One-Hit Halkias has over there and we all know James hasn't got the temperament to resist one of those -- "

"No, it's not that, but you need to get over here right now." Teddy had not relaxed when Harry had. Harry had never seen his carefree, easygoing godson so anxious before. The cold hand reached for his heart again.

"I'll come immediately," he said, Summoning his boots, "but it'll take at least an hour to get through all those Floo systems, and I'm not going to wait that long fearing the worst. What's happened?"

Teddy seemed unable to speak for an instant, in which Harry had already laced up one boot with lightning haste. "James, he's -- oh, damn it -- he's gone mystic, Harry."

Harry stopped in the middle of tightening his other laces.

"Sorry? He's gone -- mystic?"

Teddy nodded miserably.

The second boot dropped to the floor. Somehow, even his most protective paternal instincts could not keep panicking. "What, he's taken up meditation and vegetarianism? Teddy, I'm not going to flash my Auror badge for emergency transport to Greece just because James has developed hidden depths. I mean, I think the general consensus is going to be it's about time, isn't it?"

"Harry, I don't think you understand." Teddy, although his voice was strained, gave Harry an oddly steady look. "James," he said, with exaggerated slowness, "has gone mystic."

Harry stared back at him, waiting for it to sink in.

Once it did, he swallowed, sheet-white. "Oh God."