I've been having a sudden urge to write another Lavi/Lenalee fanfic so I finally went ahead and did it. Haven't written a fic in years so hopefully I haven't gotten rusty.

Content: Romance, Hurt/Comfort

Notes: Current chapter is on Lavi's POV. To be followed up with Lenalee's POV.

Status Type: TBU

"It is so hard to fall in love with someone whom you weren't supposed to have."

My name is Lavi.

It's been a year now since I'd left the Black Order. It's cold where I am now, but it's not that bad. The Sun warms me up during the day. I feign some sort of emotionless demeanor but almost all the time, I feel frustration, weariness.

I grow anxious whenever I see someone whose mere back view reminds me of her. I walk into pastry shops and buy chocolate cakes because she could never resist those. I smile because seeing her face in my head feels more real than reality itself.

Gramps tells me, "I warned you. I warned you a thousand times but you never listened."

Honestly Gramps, I wish I heeded your words. But how was I to know until I've fallen in way too deep.

See, this is what you've done to me.

You've destroyed me, Lenalee.

I mean, if there's anything I still pride myself in, it's my memory. Everything I've come across, everything I've seen…it's all right up there.

Everything that's good or bad or you wished you could forget, they never go away.

I remember morning coffee. The sweet smell of flowers. How it feels to just look at her and see the corners of her lips turn upwards.

I will make a confession; As if you don't already know, I like girls. I like their attention on me, even when they pretend to resist my obvious charm.

Gramps is very unlike me in this way because he has never been very smooth with the ladies. I don't get what's there not to like. Girls, they smell nice. They always got such smooth skin. And I think they look the cutest when they're all shy around you

Especially Lenalee. She avoided me for the whole of next day after I'd kissed her for the first time ever. It was funny when I overheard the staff saying that Lenalee "has been red in the face all day, she must be coming down with something". She'll probably still continuing avoiding me had I not intentionally jumped up on her outside the female bathrooms. (There isn't that many females in the Black Order so it's relatively quiet around that area.)

She was so cute, pretending to be nonchalant about it. But I was genuinely bothered about her avoiding me. I could see that over the past couple of months how much she liked me, and not in the way that she likes her brother or Allen or anyone else. I probably should never even step near that thought but I wanted her to continue liking me.

I asked this time, if I could kiss her again. She was hesitant but she never pulled away. I take it as a yes.

Kissing her the second time was better than even the first. Maybe it's the strong smell of her shampoo or maybe the kiss is significantly a lot longer than the first, but damn. Her lips were so soft, and I liked how she grabbed onto my shirt like she wants more as well. She's still red in the face when we finally break apart but I can tell, she enjoyed it.

As for me, I'm just digging a bigger and bigger hole for myself to sink into.

I'd told myself I will just get close to her, for all the information I could gain from her. She'll be just another stepping-stone for me. But things have an odd away of turning out.

Every time I see her, I'm fighting with every urge in my body that wants to just grab her and kiss her. Her face lights up in a different way every time she sees me, which makes me happy, an emotion I shouldn't quite have. I fear every time she goes out on a mission that I haven't been assigned to as well, and find myself sighing in relief when I learn she's safe and back and unharmed.

I know what about her attracts me so much. She was so different from what I am. So full of emotion and feeling and always thinking for everyone else.

Such a far cry from the man that I am.

I long to see her all the damn time. We kiss in the library secretly when I'm really supposed to be documenting stuff and Lenalee is…not even supposed to be at the library. I pretend to like it when I come across a petty girl during missions with Allen or Krory but in my head, I compare them to Lenalee only to quickly realize it's not even a competition.

Once, Lenalee and I stayed in the same motel room when on a mission. It wasn't our initial intention but it was a tiny motel and there were only so many rooms.

It was the one of the few times I really felt I was me. Not a Bookman, not Lavi, just an ordinary man wanting a girl more than anything in the World.

We talked about ourselves for an hour, and we kissed for one more after that. There were all these…physical needs, and I'd been concealing them. But Lenalee is the most perfect piece of history there is, and to be able to have her would make me the luckiest man on Earth.

I remember whispering into her ear how much I loved her for countless of times, somehow desperate to assure her that this was real. I could still feel her fingers digging in the skin on my back as she fought back the tears. She'd asked me if it was right we do this before we even did but I couldn't imagine anything be wrong if I was with this girl.

We finally sleep, both contented and happy.

In truth, she tells me all the time that she feels lucky and so blessed, for me and for all the good things in this World. I always respond with a smile. However, I walked away that one night feeling like a murderer. I hadn't only killed her; I'd basically wrenched my heart right out of my chest and left for it to rot.

I didn't want to wake her in her sleep, so all I did was catch a quick glimpse at her perfect sleeping face before walking out the front door. I don't know how she is right now. I don't know if she's still waiting for me or perhaps she'd already outgrown me and moved on. She probably hates me and I guess that is understandable.

It is still cold where I am, but nighttimes are the most bearable.

Nighttimes are when the town is quiet and I am truly alone. Alone as the weak person that I am for not being able to get rid of her being in my head.

I look up at the starry sky, and silently wonder if she's doing the same.

Maybe one day, among all my thousands of other insane (sometimes suicidal) thoughts, I will find the strength to see you again.