Last August I had a heart attack, then open heart surgery followed with a major infection that kept me in the hospital for almost a month. It's been 7 months now and during the whole ordeal two things that I have done religiously for all of my life had no appeal whatsoever… writing and reading. You would think it would be the ideal time for both but I haven't written a line or read a single book. I'm better now even though I'm not back at work full time as the infection is still hanging on to me. So instead of obsessing with having no desire to write, I thought I would rewrite my first story. I wasn't really satisfied with it and I believe I have improved in both the story telling and my knowledge of the English language which are, to me, entirely valid reason to rewrite this.

There's another part to my rewriting this story. Now I have personal experience of coming close to dying and having a second chance. I know how it feels to have regrets and I did have quite a few. I am changed by what I went through and I wanted this story to reflect the knowledge I now possess. However, remember this my experience, it's my personal take on it. Some of you with the same experience might have felt the same or differently.

Hope that the few of you who remember reading this story will tell me if there is improvement or not with this story.

The meaning of secrets.

Chapter 1

It is said that at the moment of death you see your whole life in your mind, all the pictures, like a replay of one's life.

I must not be dying.

The pictures Ruth sees in her mind aren't of her life. They are all about her and Harry and what could have been. Her thoughts are all of him. The first time she saw him, his eyes, his smile, his gentle face. She revisits the many times they had been together, on the Grid or outside of it. Their only date… Such lovely times.

Then the pictures change. She sees him and her together, having a simple life, washing dishes, going to a movie, shopping, holding hands while looking at each other across a table, laughing and smiling. It is all about the little mundane things all couples do. She wanted that… yearned for that life. She had dreams of a life with him, of belonging… to… with someone…not just anyone , she wanted to belong to him, be with him.

I'm not dying; these are not from my life. These are my dreams, my fantasies.

She feels the wind against her face. She hears his voice, shivering under its caress. He's crying against her ear, gently cradling her face between his hands. His face is tucked in the nook between her shoulder and her neck and she gets lost in the smell of him, this indefinable smell of his skin, so unique. She mentally smiles. She would pick up his smell amongst thousands of others.

She remembers her hand touching his, squeezing his arm gently and it fills her with longing. She wishes they could have really been together… intimate.

She had lived the last 10 years, her body alive and defined by her desires, all for Harry. The gentle crooked smile he had only for her, his eyes telling her the words that couldn't cross the barrier of his lips. She wanted a life with him, wanted to fall asleep to his voice, wake up to his kisses. She wanted all these ordinary things she had dreamed of but never had dared ask for.

She had been so wrong, they could be more together. How could she have told him that these things were never meant for them? How could she be this cruel with the gentle heart of the man she loved more than she thought possible?

I can't die, I have to live and tell him… I have to...

She is lost in the moment, looking at the pictures across her eyelids. Her heart isn't hammering in her breasts as it had before… her breathing isn't laboured, she doesn't even feel pain.

Am I dead? I can't be. I can't leave him… not so close to being with him.

She hears him sobbing and feels his lips on hers, his sweet lips wet with tears. She can feel his body calling her to him… and the wretched sobbing against her ear.

Our third kiss. He loves me.

She has to talk to him… to tell him she is still with him, not to despair.

Don't cry my love. I'm here.

She can't form the words, can't find her voice. She can't comfort him and reassure him, can only listen to the anguish in his tears falling against her temple. She tries with all she has to speak to him but just can't, so she tries to send him her thoughts.

I love you Harry, I love you. We will be together. I was wrong. We are meant to have these things, to be together, my love. I can't leave you this way, alone knowing that in times you'll resent me for not loving you and eventually you'll hate me for my cowardice.

She has been so terribly wrong. Nothing wonderful about unsaid words… unrequited love. She wanted to say the words to him with all her might. Three simple little words with a lifetime of meaning in them… a lifetime of memories of happiness and love that would soothe his grief. She stole that from him, not accepting his love for her and not telling him how much she loved him.

God. Please almighty God. Please let me live. I'm not asking for myself, I want this for Harry. He's sacrifice so much. If I live I will tell him. I love him so much. It's not enough anymore to love you from afar. I want to tell you Harry. I will heal, I will be brave and tell you. I have to. For you… for us.

Please God, give me a chance, let me live. I will tell him, I swear on all I hold dear, I will tell him. I will not run or hide from him ever again. I promise, God. He needs me. He may not admit it but he needs me as he needs love in his life.

She hears noises and a very loud thumping. Wind has picked up, whipping her hair now covering her face and she feels a hand gently moving the hair away. She knows it's Harry's. Only he could touch her with such love. People are moving around her. She feels Harry's body leave hers.

Please don't. Harry stay with me. I love you. Please, please, stay with me.

In her mind she is screaming but she also knows that not a single word comes out of her mouth. She hears voices, some she knows, others she doesn't. She senses something prickling the skin of her arm, and pressing on her chest.

"We gave her adrenaline in injection. We haven't felt a pulse in maybe 2 minutes… maybe a little more." Calum sounds frantic.

Her body jerks as she feels her heart ready to jump out of her chest and instantly pain takes over. She wants to cry out. The pain is unbearable, swerving through her body, making thoughts impossible, overtaking her.

"I got a pulse" a disembodied voice shouts over the other voices.

Oh my God! I was dead. I really was. I'm alive again. God! The pain… I can't… Make it stop, stop the pain, please. I can't breathe.

Her body is being moved and then lifted.

Noooo! Harry stay with me. Don't leave me. Please Harry.

She feels his hand on her forehead and hears his voice strangely calm but insistent.

"Ruth, I'm here, don't give up. Please Ruth, fight for us… Come back to me. Fight. I know you can. Don't leave me. I can't live without you. We'll have a life together."

"Sir, you have to move." Says another voice.

"I have to stay with her" Harry's voice is full of fear.

"Sir… move. NOW!" The first voice has come back harsh and hard.

She feels his touch leave her but hears his voice a few feet from her side.

"Tell me how not to be in your way, but I AM STAYING WITH HER." His tone has hardened; the fear in it has left. It is his 'don't you mess with me' voice. She wants to smile but her lips won't obey.

She feels her body being carried and the sun is gone from her face and so is the wind. She is moved inside something; noisy and cramped…

"Fine. Sit over there and let me work." The hard voice talks again.

She can't feel Harry anymore and fears starts swelling in her heart but then she hears his voice again, his reassuring voice gripping her to him.

"Ruth. Don't give up. We are meant to have those things. Fight for your life, Ruth. You have to live, please. Don't let go… You can't let go. Think of your house… and all the changes you'll make. Where will you put all your books? How will the cats like their new house?"

He keeps on talking as if his words were her lifeline. He just let them cascade from his mouth, without much thought about their meaning. He is just so desperate to keep her with him.

Yes Harry! We will have these things. We'll fill the house with my books and your music. The cats will be happy to be back with Scarlett again. They've missed her.

She relaxed, the pain is leaving her. She's not afraid. She feels a great calm come over her

The voice is back "I'm losing her again. Pads. CLEAR!"

Harry whispers a single word. "Nooo..." She hears him from afar before darkness takes over and she loses herself in it. She feels a great calm come over her.

"Harry, I love you… so much. Sadness fills her. I must be dead if I'm willing to admit that I love him… even if only to myself.