Childhood friend, ultimate lover
Authors note: I wrote this in an inspired bout of procrastination, I'll only continue if I have more to say or someone inspires me via feedback.
My mother and I came to Besaid because of me. My father is a member of a mountain warrior clan from whom rich summoners can hire guardians. My mother was a black magic guardian like me and found herself there when her summoner gave up on his pilgrimage to accept temple duties. Father was already married, I have two half-brothers and they both hated me because their mother hated mine. They used to make a game of frightening me, taking me to dangerous places and threatening to leave me. I was sickly, and glad of it. Whenever my mother was nursing me I was out of my brother's reach. The other children were either scared of my brothers or just found me too strange to befriend. That's where my fascination with dolls began, I didn't count playing with them as playing alone.
Eventually my parents tired of each other but neither could bring themselves to admit it. Many people had cautioned against their affair and both had too much pride to concede they were right. So they fought about me instead. Father said Mother was coddling me and making me weak, Mother accused him of not giving a damn about my health. Maybe both accusations were true and eventually Mother and I moved to Besaid 'to aid my recovery'.
The sun, sea and village welcome were a balm to both of us. I felt like I'd never really known my mother before we moved here. Her laugh wasn't solely a bitter weapon, no-one would make a fuss if she spent hours cuddling and reading to me. Chappu found me, the very first day I ventured outside with my doll.
Chappu resembled Tidus in more than looks. He saw a lonely, timid girl looking about with little idea of how to enjoy the bounty of fun splashed before her. I could tell he was popular amongst the other children, but the left them all that first day to play with me. I was so grateful, more than him would have been overwhelming, and at that stage I was still afraid of the sea. He showed me all the children's places around the village, and the magical stories they made up about them. He laughed with me when I fumbled the blitzball, unwilling to let go of my doll. By the third day of my friendship with Chappu he announced that he was going to marry me when we grew up.
Two weeks after Chappu and I became friends Wakka returned from a trading expedition with some of the other men from the village. Despite being only a year older than me he was so much more serious and mature. Chappu was beside himself with excitement to introduce us. He bragged to me about Wakka and bragged to Wakka about me. And then when we finally met he turned rebellious against his brother and dragged me off into his over-excited shenanigans. He both loved and was exasperated by his bossy, overprotective brother and accused him of being 'no fun'.
Wakka took this in his stride and, without prompting, took it upon himself to coax me into calm shallow water and teach me to swim. I never had enough stamina to keep up with him, as Rikku does, but whenever I get into the water I remember him teaching me. Chappu didn't have the patience, when he'd tried before it always ended with him showing off and me perched at the edge, content to admire. With Wakka I was slightly intimidated by his size and determination, but felt very safe with him. He constantly reassured me Sin wouldn't get me and he wouldn't let me drown. If we were all swimming together and I was startled it was always Wakka, not Chappu, I'd clutch for reassurance. Now I wonder if that influenced Chappu's decision to join up. He was jealous of my instinctive preference of Wakka for protection, and touchy about it. He was so sensitive in front of his brother of anything that appeared to throw his self-sufficiency or ability to defend himself into doubt.
Our teenage years were awkward, Wakka and I hit them before Chappu and he refused to be left behind. I remember so clearly the day we'd been mucking around with the rest of the kids, playing blitzball when Wakka came up on defence. We'd locked eyes and my smile faltered as his grew, my body felt strange. I thought we were going to kiss, right there or later and I wasn't sure who would be making the first move. That was when I first realised Chappu's vision for us might not come true. Chappu hadn't seen anything, but the other teens had and I, furiously embarrassed, vowed never to play that stupid game again. Chappu protested bitterly till I pointed out that if it wasn't for him I would always be picked last for teams and I was much too busy with my studies. Mother was planning to go on another pilgrimage and I'd learnt to make the most of her time between jobs.
That was the last pilgrimage Mother went on and I was inconsolable. For a time, only Yuna was welcome in my hut and she never complained that I spent days drowning my pillow and listening to her quiet hymns. Then one day the brothers burst through my front door. I hissed at them to leave but they ignored me, whisking around my house with a broom, washing my dishes and provoking a shriek when they grabbed at discarded clothes. To prevent any further indignity I finished the task myself and when I returned inside after pegging them out I found they'd set the table with amateur versions of my favourite food. I'd been touched, but instead of thanking them when I opened my mouth a sob escaped and again I was torrent of tears.
Without hesitating Chappu flung him arms around me and glared at Wakka to take my other side. Tightly enfolded by them, lapped by murmurs of consolation I wore out my crying and a warmth descended that reminded me of my first days in Besaid, revelling in Mother's smile. My sorrow wasn't cured, but that was the first moment where I remembered my mother without feeling empty, angry pain. This familiarity continued for some weeks until I caught wind of a ludicrous yet hurtful rumour involving the three of us and without warning I began acting cold. Wakka took the hint, maybe he heard it too but Chappu held out, taming me till he, and perhaps Yuna, were the only ones with access to the old me.
In honour of, and maybe in spite of my mother I focussed all my time and energy on learning black magic. Through my studies I found a calm and a freedom from my grieving as everything in the books was laid out logically, without emotion.
So, when Chappu and I were gazing out over the water and he kissed me I didn't know what to do. He waited a moment, beaming at me but when I failed to respond he mumbled something and backed away. Once the eye-contact broke I immediately grabbed his hand and pulled him towards me. He stumbled against me and with a retaliatory grin I caught his lips with mine. It was fascinating, something so physically simple was exploding fireworks in my mind. Neither of us did anything else that day but variations on that theme.
Whilst Chappu and I floated together in our bubble of love I grew distracted. Dozens of half-baked plans slipped through our lips around kisses and I firmly believed fate fused had our futures. Love softened me, and I let Yuna and our other friends deeper into my heart. To my surprise they welcomed me, awkward demeanour and all. The village smiled on our blossoming relationship and the strength I drew from Chappu's regard made me feel invulnerable to anything life might throw at us.
Life threw Luzzu. It was like being ejected out of a fantasy and seeing Chappu still caught in it. I should have joined my voice with Wakka's but Chappu was still fed by the strength that till then had infused me. I made a few, earnest and powerful attempts to change his mind but in the end I saw the only way to keep him was to crush him. At his urging, with my heart breaking with acceptance I went to Wakka to ask him to back off.
I swear that when I went to their house I wanted only to help Wakka see that Chappu would leave with or without his blessing, and that it would be better to give it. I'd baked a cake as a combined bribe and peace offering but he barely looked at it. Instead Wakka's eyes bored into mine.
"What good are you if you can't make him see reason." His voice was cold and hard. I placed the cake on the table.
"So I'm nothing if I'm not a tool for you to control him?"
"Don't twist my words. If you loved him like I do you wouldn't let him risk his life for you."
"If I loved him like you do? You mean patronizing him and smothering his spirit. Wakka, stop trying to act like his father and be his brother." I'd hesitated, knowing this was below the belt but continued anyway. "His REAL father would have been so proud of him, following in his footsteps and both your parents would turn in their grave to hear you think dying to protect the ones you love is worthless." The stab hit home and he strangled out meaningless curses at me, at Chappu, even at them and I expected that. But what I didn't expect was his eyes to fill with tears, rage-filled tears to be fair but Chappu and I had never seen him cry. I paused, stunned and my eyes filled too, I was losing Chappu too and though I feared he might hit me I reached for him. He seemed shocked at the gesture. It was only supposed to be an innocent hug for comfort but when his powerful frame wrapped around mine my bones melted. We were suddenly clinging to each other for balance and his lips were above my ear, pressing and parting against my hair and face. Somehow my head tilted back, maybe I thought to move away from him but it was like that blitzball game all over again. Our eyes caught and held like magnets though we both tried to pull away. As it was so tiring to fight the pull directly I laid my cheek against his, drinking in the feel of his warm, hard cheek bone and letting the waves of heat ripple from the full body contact. He snuggled me closer, I think on instinct because he suddenly wrenched away pushing me at arm's distance towards the wall. He backed up too, putting the table between us and keeping on reversing till he had a wall at his back too.
Confusion, frustration, desire and anger seemed to be ricocheting around the room and we both clung to our walls to avoid it. I wanted this to be Wakka's fault, or mine. I wanted to flog my skin in punishment for reacting as it did. I confess, I almost wanted to demand Wakka give up his blitzball dreams and go with Chappu just so I wouldn't be left alone with him. If I was ready to cast magic by myself I'd be following my love after Luzzu but I couldn't. Things were as they were. With that in mind, carefully keeping my eyes lowered, I'd stepped away from the wall.
"I trust I've made my point. Loving someone means supporting them in the choices they make, even if you wish things were different."
We naturally avoided each other after that, although I rejoiced with Chappu over the Brotherhood sword. I channelled all my conflicting emotion to one end, the give Chappu as many happy memories as his head could hold as a shield against sin and reason to come back to me, to us. If guilt caused me to slightly overcompensate then I'm glad, because Chappu himself never knew and from what I heard went to his moment of heroism with no regrets. Crushing my soul in his wake.
When the village found out I collapsed where I stood. Yuna wanted us to go immediately to Wakka but I begged her, for Chappu's sake to go ahead alone. Kimahri picked me up like child and tucked me fully clothed into bed. He stayed the whole night, sitting at me bedside and humming the hymns as he'd heard Yuna do so many years ago. From then on I've always saw Kimahri as the pure and gentle soul he is, despite his successful attempts to fool others. The very next day, I signed on as a guardian to Lady Ginnem. It was the wrong thing to do, I wasn't ready and when I came home crying about Ginnem I was still crying about Chappu.
This time I was too worn out, mentally, physically and most of all emotionally to stay away from Wakka. I'd found the Brotherhood sword covered in dust in my house and I went to confront Wakka with it. As it turned out, Chappu had chosen an Al-Bhed weapon over the specially crafted blade containing metal from both parent's jewellery and both his and Wakka's initials on the pommel. I'd asked Wakka when we were alone if he thought Chappu had found out about us but it was clear he hadn't. He'd just found something better than the sword.
I permitted Wakka to look after me on my return, and when I could I returned the favour but we were always so careful to touch only so long as was required to soothe and maintain just enough eye-contact to fall short of rude. If others thought we were strange and cold friends to each other we didn't care. It got us through the difficult months until our old, more natural friendship regrew in its place. We used that camaraderie as a buffer, easing us through difficult conversations and brushing over the moments when I'd grab for him when startled or he'd bare his soul in a couple of casual sentences.