"It says home is where your heart is, but what a shame, cause everyone's heart doesn't beat the same… It's beating out of time."
Merle: 18 years old. Daryl: 8 years old.
His heart is beating dangerously fast and he can feel the taste of blood in his dry throat, that´s begging him to slow down. But he keeps running after his big brother that is about to walk out of his life… again. Tears are streaming down his pale face and his scrawny, slightly awkward, body is trembling but he keeps running until he finally reaches his hero, his very own superman.
"Please Merle!" He cries and grabs a hold of his brother's arm. "Don´t go."
Merle shrugs him of like he´s nothing and keeps walking away. A new wave of pain and hurt hits him and he can´t help but let out a small whimper. He tries to be strong, he tries so hard to be a man, just like Merle, but the fear, which has it deathly cold and boney fingers around his throat, makes it impossible. The familiar feeling of pure panic comes when he sees how Merle is getting on his precious bike, getting ready to leave everything behind, including him. The sound from the engine makes his heart stop and he throws himself at Merle, clutching on to him like he´s drowning. Maybe he is drowning, it sure feels like it. Drowning in he's own despair. Merle´s heavy hand lands on his shoulder and he can´t help but flinch, mentally preparing for getting his teeth kicked in or getting another black eye. But the hand doesn´t move and when he shyly looks up at his big brother he can see something he has never seen before. Behind all the anger and fury he can see sadness, but only for a second before the same hand, that just for a moment rested on his back, pushes him away.
"P-please M-Merl-le d-don´t l-l-leave-e m-me." He begs quietly as the whole world starts spinning faster and faster. "M-Mer-rle."
Merle doesn't say a word he just takes off, without looking back. The pain is worse than anything he have ever felt before and the tears won´t stop coming as he collapses on the dirty ground. He screams as he kicks and punches the ground, watching how superman abandons him once again.
8 years later.
The long dark hair is shagging in his eyes as he tries to hide his pain and shame from the world. He cans still hear their laughter even though the classroom is completely silent. Everyone is reading but he keeps looking out the window, whishing he could be out there, in the woods, where he don´t have to be ashamed or embarrassed. Ashamed because he don´t fit in with the rest of the world. There is a sudden knock on the door but he don´t care, he keeps looking out the window and tries to forget the burning scars on his emaciated body and the wounds that won´t stop hurting.
"So this is the new girl that I was telling you about, class." Mr. Harris says with his nasal voice as he opens the door. "Come in, don´t be shy dear."
Instantly his classmates start whispering, commenting on the new girl.
"Why don´t you tell us a little bit about yourself?" Mr. Harris says and is completely oblivious about the fact that the new girl would probably rather die than have to stand in front of a bunch of strangers that are already busy judging her. "Go on."
"Hi. My name is Carol, I´m 16 and I just moved here from Atlanta and… yeah."
Her voice, he has never heard anything like it. She doesn´t sound like the other girls, she doesn´t sound fake. Her voice is so… so honest, for a lack of a better word. For the first time today he looks up and the first thing he sees is her big, light blue eyes. For a moment he actually thinks he´s looking at the sky. He ducks his head, feeling a sudden shame and he cheeks starts turning red when he shyly looks at her under his bangs. Her hair is short and brown, almost blond and her lips have the same red color as the berries that grow just outside his house, the ones that have saved him from hunger many times. She is beautiful… Stop it your pussy, don´t think of her like that. She is a nice girl and you´re you. Worthless, that´s all you are. Merle´s voice is screaming in his head and he knows that his big brother is right, like he always is.
"I hope you will like it here." Mr. Harris utters after the awkward introduction and the disturbing silence that followed. "I will go get you a book and in the meanwhile you can take a seat next to Mr. Walsh over there and the rest of you continue to read."
Carol nods shortly and is looking relived when she sits down, no longer the center of attention. In the corner of his eye he can see how Shane leans towards her and flashes a big smile as he whispers something in her ear. Carol smiles, laughs quietly and whispers something back before she turns away. Talking, smiling, it looks so easy when other people did it. He turns his gaze out the window again, dreaming of a place where he is normal, a place where he isn´t afraid, a place where he is brave enough to say hi – a place that doesn´t exist.