Author's Note: Welcome to my first Homestar Runner fanfic in 13+ years.
Just a Taste
A tall limbless wizard stood in the field. His curly gray beard billowed in the wind. It was 3:00. Soon. His target sauntered over to the stick, sat down, and began to read.
"Excuse me, you there, intellectual superior to all but three including me," the Wizard said. His target paid no attention. "You, with the adorable face." His target still paid no attention. "I mean you, the undeserving of your lot in life." Still no attention. The Wizard grew irritated. "Strong Sad!" he shouted.
"What?" asked the target, finally looking up from his book.
"Didn't you hear me trying to get your attention earlier?" the Wizard asked.
"Oh, that?" Strong Sad asked, "I had no idea that you were talking to me. I thought for sure you meant someone else."
"We are literally the only ones here," the Wizard responded.
"I wouldn't know that," Strong Sad said, "Aren't you, like, able to see alternate planes of existence simultaneously or something?"
"A barren field is a barren field everywhere," the Wizard said.
"Aw, gee, I'm sorry, Your Wizardiness. It's just that most people don't call me smart… or adorable… or undeserving of my lot in life," Strong Sad said.
"Yes, I'm aware of the way things tend to go for you," the Wizard said. "But…"
"But?" Strong Sad asked, after the Wizard paused for a long time.
"What if I told you that I could grant you true happiness, no questions asked?" the Wizard asked.
Strong Sad's initial reaction was to scoff. "Make me happy? I can't be happy. Happiness is meant for those for whom despondency is not indelibly stained upon their name. Without wistfulness, what even am I?"
"Well for one, a brilliant artist," the Wizard responded.
"But I must suffer for my art!" Strong Sad objected. "If I'm happy I won't be able to do anything nearly as good…"
"That's just a myth, and even if it wasn't, there has to be a limit you passed sometime around 2003," the Wizard said. He sighed deeply. "Besides, if you truly believed that… you wouldn't be medicated." Strong Sad didn't respond. "After some of those 'incidents', you had a ready-made excuse to dump the pills for good. And yet, you never did. You continue to take them, like clockwork, at a high enough dosage that it still causes these side-effects in your acquaintances... who would have stopped taking them if they were actually smart."
Strong Sad wanted to defend his use of the medicine, but in attempting to construct a defense he realized it all came back to the same answer, over and over again. I don't want to be lethargic. I don't want to be unable to enjoy things. I don't want to be mentally paralyzed. I don't want to be depressed.
"Aw, who am I kidding? I'm in denial," Strong Sad said. "But only because I thought the best I could ever get was sort-of-half-okay-sometimes."
"All you have to do is sign the contract, and happiness will be yours tomorrow," the Wizard said, holding a contract out for Strong Sad, who read it very carefully, and was astonished to find nothing fishy in the fine print. He signed the contract, which then neatly rolled itself up and vanished into the ether.
"Now what?" Strong Sad asked.
"Now… all you have to do is wait," the Wizard said. "The rest should take care of itself."
Strong Sad asked, "Excuse me, your Wizardiness?"
"Yes?" the Wizard asked.
"Why are you being nice to me?" Strong Sad asked.
"Because no one else was," the Wizard said. "I know how it can be to be the overlooked baby."
"Well, thank you," Strong Sad responded, genuinely smiling.
Strong Sad went to bed that night wondering what tomorrow would bring. When he woke up, everything seemed perfectly normal. Strong Bad and Strong Mad were eating toaster waffles at the table while The Cheat was carrying a bottle of syrup over his head to pour over each one. Hmm… Strong Sad thought, and decided to look elsewhere for his happiness.
"Oh, hey, Strong Sad!" Strong Bad suddenly said, startling Strong Sad. "How's my favorite little brother doing today?" It wasn't delivered sarcastically, so it must have been flattery for an ulterior motive.
"What are you up to?" Strong Sad asked suspiciously.
"Uh… I was gonna go shoot Coach Z with a Super Soaker filled with au jus. Wanna come? I mean, I know pranking's not your thing, so it's okay if you don't," Strong Bad said.
"Strong Bad…" Strong Sad asked, "Are you, um… are you okay? No bumps to the head recently?"
"Of course I'm okay, why?" Strong Bad asked without a hint of annoyance.
"Well… you're being nice to me," Strong Sad responded.
"Well, yeah, you're my brother," Strong Bad said matter-of-factly, in a tone as if it should have been obvious.
"That never stopped you before," Strong Sad said.
"I would never hurt you!" Strong Bad said, sounding genuinely offended.
"You threw a still-hot slice of pizza in my face at 10:15 last Saturday night," Strong Sad offered.
"Hmm… no, that doesn't sound right," Strong Bad said.
"You locked me in a closet with a rotten bulb of garlic yesterday," Strong Sad once again offered. This would surely call Strong Bad's bluff by making him laugh.
"Yeah, no, that sounds like something I would do, but not to you," Strong Bad said. He scratched his head. "All this is making me think that maybe you're the one who had a bump. No offense, just… you're not making much sense right now."
Strong Bad's continued straight face and perplexed explanations alarmed Strong Sad and then he remembered that he had just signed a contract with a being who had magical powers. He decided to confront the Wizard.
"What did you do to Strong Bad?" he asked. "Brainwash him? Mind-control him? Replace him with a mimic? I didn't see anything about that in the contract!"
"Strong Sad, relax," the Wizard stated calmly, "All I did to Strong Bad was add you to his whitelist. That's it. He still has the same basic personality."
"How?" Strong Sad asked.
"Magic," the Wizard responded. "It's my bread and margarine."
"Don't you mean bread and…?" Strong Sad began before he was interrupted.
"No, I hate butter," the Wizard said in an oddly bitter tone of voice.
"Oh, sorry," Strong Sad responded. "And thank you."
"You are welcome," the Wizard said.
The next day, Strong Bad shouted, "Surprise! I got you a signed copy of Sloshy's new album."
"What?" Strong Sad asked, "But how did you find it? Even I wasn't aware it existed!"
"Well, it occurred to me that you were feeling a little spooked yesterday so I scoured the internet looking for something to cheer you up," Strong Bad said. "And then, as luck would have it, Sloshy was hiding behind Homestar's house the whole time."
"Well, thank you for the very… very… very… uncharacteristically generous gift," Strong Sad responded, taking the album from Strong Bad.
"No prob, little bro," Strong Bad said, then whistled and walked away.
Strong Sad felt a huge weight lift off his chest. He breathed and basked in this new feeling very briefly, and then he began to feel frustrated.
"Your Wizardiness," Strong Sad began, "I have a huge problem."
"Oh?" the Wizard asked. "What's that?"
"You putting me on Strong Bad's whitelist was awesome. He's so much nicer that I… I felt true happiness. But only for about ten seconds, because then I realized that the reason that I wasn't happy in the first place was because of Strong Bad. And now I'm angry with him and I want to punish him… but because he's not doing anything wrong anymore I can't punish him in good conscience," Strong Sad responded.
"This is precisely why you were undeserving of your lot in life," the Wizard said, "My advice? Take advantage of his generosity. That way you can punish him but not in a way that the new-and-improved one will notice."
"Of course," Strong Sad said, "Thank you, Your Wizardiness."
Strong Sad's idea of taking advantage of Strong Bad's generosity was of course to ask him to do one thing, only one thing. "Can I have some hummus?"
"Sure thing," Strong Bad said, "Would you like death garlic?"
"Oh, no thank you," Strong Sad responded.
Strong Bad made the hummus without the condiment labeled 'death garlic' that sat by the rest of the ingredients.
"Would you like pita bread or celery?" Strong Bad asked.
"Uh, if we have both available, I'll take a combo platter," he said.
"No problem!" Strong Bad said, as he completed making the hummus for Strong Sad.
"Would you like to share it?" Strong Sad asked.
"Sure. And we can make fun of old movies together while we eat it," Strong Bad said.
Strong Mad walked into the room. He was crying. "Brother… war… over?" he asked in an uncharacteristically tentative way.
"Yes, Strong Mad," Strong Sad responded, "Brother war over, indeed."
"YAY!" he screamed, and then ran up and pulled both of his brothers into a group hug.
The Cheat mumbled something that sounded vaguely like "don't forget me" and leaped into the middle.
The Brothers Strong (and The Cheat) finally seemed to be functioning correctly. When the Wizard saw this through the window, however, he raged.
"No, no, no, this wasn't supposed to happen!" he said to himself, "Strong Sad was supposed to go mad with power and Strong Mad was supposed to mutiny. Not… group hugs!"
Dark storm clouds appeared behind him and thunder and lightning struck. "I guess it's time for Plan B." The contract reappeared and then the Wizard burnt it to a crisp.
Strong Bad noticed what was happening and recoiled. "Put me down, put me down, put me down," he demanded. Strong Mad complied. He walked back to the kitchen and returned with the jar of death garlic, which he promptly threw at Strong Sad's head, but thankfully missed and hit the wall behind him instead. "Aw, man! That was supposed to be for tricking me into a group hug with you!" Strong Sad was shocked and felt betrayed. He looked toward the Wizard, who had teleported into their room.
"Oh, Strong Sad, I'm sorry, but since you signed the contract with a liquid ink pen instead of a ballpoint, it's only binding for 36 hours, per the fine print," the Wizard claimed.
"No such thing was in the fine print," Strong Sad said.
"Yes, it was, you just didn't see it," the Wizard said.
"I reread the whole of it four times in a row looking for something like that, it wasn't there," Strong Sad said. "How… how could you?" Strong Sad cried harder than he had in years.
"Whoa," Strong Bad said. "I forgot you could still do that."
"Not even Strong Bad has ever done something so awful to me," Strong Sad added.
"Wait a second!" Strong Bad said, suddenly turning to the wizard. "Strong Sad is my punching bag. And Strong Mad's. And sometimes The Cheat's. But not yours!
"It was never my intention to hurt Strong Sad," the Wizard said mournfully.
"Liar!" Strong Sad yelled, still sobbing hysterically.
"I just wanted Strong Bad to feel his pain," the Wizard said, "But unfortunately, Strong Sad is too weak to take advantage of the reversal."
"You're right. I am," Strong Sad said, "How you didn't notice, I'm not sure. And how does that justify being worse to me than Strong Bad ever had?"
"Any tips how to break the record?" Strong Bad asked.
"You can't. It's impossible. He gave me just a taste of true happiness and then yanked it away from me. Next time, I'll know it's coming. It's not replicable," Strong Sad replied.
"Hey, you, wizard dude, stealing my thunder!" Strong Bad complained.
"NO!" Strong Mad screamed. "BROTHER WAR OVER!"
"I'm afraid not, thanks to the Wizard," Strong Sad said.
"WIZARD START BROTHER WAR AGAIN!" Strong Mad screamed, then punched him. "WIZARD BAD!"
The Wizard fell over backwards from the impact, but soon leapt back up. "Strong Mad, don't blame me for the 'brother war' resuming. Strong Sad's just upset because my first plan backfired. It was always Strong Bad's fault, right?"
"Huh?" Strong Mad asked. He glared at Strong Bad.
"Don't listen!" Strong Sad said. "I mean… technically, he's not wrong, but he's just trying to trick you into reversing the brother war while still keeping it going!" Strong Mad was confused, "He wants you to hurt Strong Bad instead of me."
"OH!" said Strong Mad, "WIZARD STILL BAD!"
"Why do you want Strong Mad to hurt me?" Strong Bad asked, "And why did you want Strong Sad to take advantage of me? You don't even know me! I guess… my reputation precedes me," he continued smugly.
"Don't flatter yourself," the Wizard said, "All I knew is that you were a rotten big brother."
"Okay, so that explains why you wanted to help Strong Sad, but not why you took that part back," Strong Bad said.
"Yeah, thanks," Strong Sad said sarcastically.
"He's too undeserving of his fate," the Wizard replied. "My plan hinged on him being just undeserving enough. He was even feeling conflicted about being mad at you at all, let alone hurting you."
"So if Strong Sad being happy wasn't the end goal… why the crap do you care how I treat him?" Strong Bad asked.
"Because I know your kind," the Wizard responded. "You think that just because someone else came out after you that means that you have the right to take everything away from him, including his rightful title, despite being stupider, uglier, and far, far less deserving."
"Uh, ok, no. I am not uglier than Strong Sad and I refuse to comment on the first on the grounds that I may be accused of being a nerd and the last on the grounds that I may be accused of being a softie," Strong Bad said, "And what the crap do you mean by his 'rightful title'? The only 'rightful title' Strong Sad has is Big Fat Wet Raincloud on Everyone's Parade. Or maybe… The Nerd Loser Who Makes Other Nerd Losers Look the Coolest."
"Oh, I guess maybe that part isn't terribly applicable to the general population," the Wizard said, "But it is applicable to me and my big brother."
"NO MORE BROTHER WARS!" Strong Mad shouted, before turning the coffee table upside-down, stomping to his room, and slamming the door with such force that several paintings fell down and shattered.
"Look, you've obviously made Strong Mad suffer enough," Strong Sad said, "Is that not enough to fulfill your 'big brother punishment' quota without me becoming a completely different person than I was ever once implied to be? Outside of a completely fictional story?"
"Strong Mad isn't the same. He has no ambition," the Wizard said, "And please… there's no need to behave so sardonically about my prediction."
"You yanked my chain so hard I nearly choked. You can handle a little criticism," Strong Sad responded, then turned his nose up at the Wizard.
"Wait just a freakin' second," Strong Bad said, "Did you say you and your brother had titles?"
"Yes, we do," the Wizard said. "Although I am known to most as the Wizard, I have another name." He breathed. "I just hate to say it…"
"Come on, you can tell us," Strong Bad said, "I promise I won't make fun of it unless it's something like Chancellor of Shrimp Cocktail or otherwise something you walk right into."
"I am… the Duke of Town," the Wizard said.
"The Duke of Town?" Strong Bad asked. "Wait, does that mean you're the King of Town's brother? I didn't realize the King of Town had relatives. I always thought he just, I dunno, appeared out of a pile of rotten fast food one day."
"Yeah, yeah, all of us did," the Wizard said. "But surely you must have noticed the family resemblance."
Strong Bad and Strong Sad looked at each other and imagined Strong Mad and then shrugged.
"But because he's older, he got to be the King of Town, while I was stuck being the Duke of Town. I hated it so much I hid myself away for 50 years. But I came back because I thought that I could right the wrong with the Strong Brothers."
"Brothers Strong," corrected both in unison, which caused Strong Bad to glare at Strong Sad.
"Not important," the Wizard said, "What is important is that my scheme to get revenge by proxy didn't work!"
"It sounds to me like your problem is that Strong Sad is a better person than you are," Strong Bad said. "Wow. You're so pathetic you're making me compliment Strong Sad."
"Both figuratively and literally!" Strong Sad noted excitedly.
"That's really, really pathetic," Strong Bad said to the Wizard, while narrowing his eyes in exasperation at Strong Sad. "Look, it's not a big deal. No one likes the King of Town anyway, and it's not like he ever does anything ruler-ish. And even if he did, most of us wouldn't listen, except for Strong Sad because he has welcome written on his back and is also a nerd."
"Eh, he's not wrong," Strong Sad said, shrugging.
"So… would you support me trying to take over for the King of Town in a coup?" the Wizard asked.
"Uh… no!" Strong Bad said, "I like having an incompetent ruler who doesn't do anything!"
"And you, Strong Sad?" the Wizard asked.
"I still haven't forgiven you," Strong Sad said.
"Will you ever?" the Wizard asked.
"I think we both know the answer to that," Strong Sad responded without looking at him.
"Look, I said it wasn't my intention!" the Wizard complained.
"Not an apology," Strong Sad responded.
"I'm sorry, okay?" the Wizard said.
"You think an apology can fix what you did?" Strong Sad said.
"What will fix what I did?" the Wizard asked, getting frustrated.
"Hmm," Strong Sad pondered.
Strong Mad left his room again. "OH! BAD WIZARD STILL HERE!" he shouted. Then he picked up the wizard and tossed him like a javelin through the closed window.
"Well, that works," Strong Sad said in deadpan while simultaneously cringing at the impact.
The Wizard brushed himself off and dislodged a piece of glass that had implanted itself in his hat. "I guess this just wasn't the right family…" he said to himself. "Better hide for 50 more years…"
"Ooh! There you are!" shouted a familiar voice from behind. The Wizard sighed.
"Hello, King," he said bitterly.
"Come on home, Duke. Everyone's missed you dearly!" the King of Town said.
"Don't call me that," the Wizard said.
"Come along, little bro, we've got to catch up on regal affairs," the King of Town said, dragging the Wizard behind him.
"WIZARD GONE!" Strong Mad announced, "BROTHER WAR OVER!"
"No, it'll never be over as long as Strong Sad keeps existing," Strong Bad proclaimed.
"Strong Bad…" Strong Sad reprimanded.
"What?" Strong Bad said, "You hate me just as much as I hate you."
"Only in retaliation, Mr. Preemptive Strike," Strong Sad said.
Strong Mad huffed, grabbed both of them, and screamed, "NO MORE BROTHER WAR!" so loudly it caused a wind effect.
"Okay, okay, big guy!" Strong Bad said, which caused Strong Mad to place them back down. He whispered to Strong Sad, "We'll continue this in the morning when he forgets about everything."
Strong Sad sighed, turned to Strong Mad and asked, "Is it too late to send him out with the wizard?"
"THAT MEANS YOU TOO!" he responded and then glared at Strong Sad.
"I'm sorry," he said, "I'm sorry." He backed away slowly from Strong Mad.
Strong Mad fell asleep content that he had returned peace to his brothers, but of course, it didn't last. Soon Strong Mad had forgotten all about the Wizard's broken promise to Strong Sad and projected vendetta against Strong Bad, but they never forgot.
Strong Sad had a new go-to story for events, although no one except for Marzipan and (probably?) Homsar actually listened to him. Marzipan felt so awful after hearing it that she vowed to fight the Wizard in hand-to-hand combat, such as it was, if he ever showed his face to her.
As for Strong Bad, he tried to get Bubs and Pom Pom to accept him as cool but neither of them believed that there was even a Wizard living nearby, let alone one who would go to elaborate lengths to harm Strong Bad without even knowing him. The Cheat knew better, of course, but still pretended Strong Bad was making it up to keep him out of their Super Chill Club which had a strict 'no dorks' rule.
As for the Wizard, he had endured five straight weeks of regal affairs which were 80 percent the King of Town eating and 20 percent the Poopsmith facepalming. This reminded him of his goal and he needed to find a better target now. He found Coach Z sitting alone with a bottle of Gatorade and asked, "Hey, you, uh… not the stupidest person in the city?" No response. "You with the… nondescript and mostly inoffensive face." Still no response. "Only somewhat deserving of his lot in life?" Still no response. "Coach Z!"
Coach Z asked, "Huh? What?"
"Do you have a big brother?"
"Well, uh, up in the Narth Pearl…" Coach Z began but Strong Sad immediately stepped in.
"Don't listen to this con artist!" Strong Sad announced.
"But con artists are the grortest!" Coach Z said, "Like Bubs… and Original Bubs… and Onion Bubs."
"This guy's not like Bubs. He doesn't just scam you out of a few dollars, he scams you out of the last scraps of potential joy you have left," Strong Sad said, "I won't let him do to you what he did to me."
"Oh! Oh! But Strong Sad, I'm not…" Coach Z started and then he thought briefly. "Oh. Thanks but no thanks, Sorcerer."
"It's Wizard," the Wizard corrected.
"Eh, easier to say," Coach Z said, shrugging. Then he turned to Strong Sad. "Thanks, Strong Sad! You're a real pal!" He hugged Strong Sad, which the latter wasn't sure whether to be happy or uncomfortable about.
"Well, you know, we gotta help each other out more," Strong Sad said, "No one else will. Least of all Wizards promising true happiness with no strings attached."
"Did you see the Wizard again?" Marzipan asked. "Let me fight him!"
"Yeah, he was trying to trick Coach Z into…" Strong Sad started.
"Oh, okay then," Marzipan said.
"Why is it okay when he does it to Coach Z but not when he does it to me?" Strong Sad asked.
"Because you're not creepy," Marzipan said. "Boring sometimes, maybe. But hey, a lot of the things they think are boring that you think are fun I think are fun too."
"While I appreciate the irony," Strong Sad said, "It's not necessarily a good feeling to be on the good end of a double standard."
"You are never satisfied, are you?" Marzipan asked.
"I was," Strong Sad responded. "I don't have to tell you when."
"Oh, right," Marzipan said, "That's why I want to fight the Wizard."
"I think you'll have some competition," he said, pointing to Strong Mad who had cornered the wizard and was repeatedly punching him.
"What are you doing this for?" the Wizard asked.
"I DON'T KNOW!" Strong Mad announced. "LITTLE SAY TO. BABY NOT SAY NO. BROTHERS AGREE!"
"Well, if they were going to agree on something one way or the other, maybe I should have just let it happen without me getting punched…" the Wizard said.
"Is it bad to enjoy someone else's pain when the entire reason you're enjoying their pain is because they caused you pain in the first place?" Strong Sad asked.
"No, I don't think so," Marzipan said.
"Of course not," Coach Z said.
All three of them laughed.
Bonus 4th Wall Shattering Epilogue:
Homestar suddenly appeared and asked, "Hey, wait a second! Why was everyone in this story except me?"
"Uh, well, you didn't really have anything to add to the story," Strong Sad said, shrugging.
"But I'm the title character!" Homestar said.
"Yeah, but you don't like me and Strong Bad doesn't like you and you don't live in the King of Town's castle and you're not completely miserable like Coach Z," Strong Sad said.
"I could have played the role of the Duke of Town," Homestar announced.
"No, he had to be smart," Marzipan said.
"He had to be mean too," Strong Sad quickly clarified.
"Aw, phooey," Homestar said, "I guess I'm just relegated to the Easter Eggs now."