Can You Keep A Secret?

By LMR

Summary: All Alex knows about her "Secret Valentine" is that he is extremely clever, is offbeat, has plenty to spend, completely adores her, knows everything about her, and is about two fries short of a Happy Meal. But she just won't let herself believe... B/A Valentine's Day Fluff!

Rated: K, or if you really want to be careful, maybe K+ just because of Alex's pottymouth

Disclaimer (As explained by Detective Goren): Well, once a show, I mean, is put out into the community, it no longer belongs to only the creators of the show, but becomes its own entity. Some quantum physicists and mystics might speculate that once these characters are created, they have a presence outside this understood universe, possibly existing in another spacetime as individual creations in the holographic universe model, also known as the divine mind. In other words, this fanfiction has as much reality and merit as any episode created for the show, and cannot therefore be considered infringement. Of course, I- (Interrupted by Eames) Look, what my ridiculously verbose partner is trying to say is that it doesn't matter because the need to obey copyright laws is trumped by the need for crazy monkey-sex. Got it, Dick?

Beta Tester: I don't have a beta. Do I need one? I have a betta. He's pretty and blue and eats blood worms and has an pleasant personality, but I don't think he's interested in my stories.

Archive: Um, okay. 'Slong as my name is on it.

Chapter 1: The World Has Turned Barbie-Puke Pink

It was two weeks till Valentine's Day, the world had already turned Barbie-puke pink. Alex Eames hated Valentine's Day. Whenever she mentioned this, people figured it was because she was lonely.

Oh, gag. Truth be told, she'd hated it from the time she was a teenager and she'd practically had to beat the boys off with a stick. But it was just so...oh, gag.

The only one who didn't think it was unexpected was her partner, Bobby Goren. As in most things, he guessed the reasons for her attitude immediately.

"What are you doing for Valentine's Day?" he had asked.

"Paying as little attention to it as possible," she grumbled in reply.

"Yeah, somehow you don't strike me as a Valentine's Day person."

"I'm going to pretend that I know that that was one of your brilliant insights and not a smart remark about my social life." She kept talking before the inevitable I'm sorry, I didn't mean- "Because I'm the smartass here, and don't you forget it. And you're right, as always. The whole thing makes me nauseous. The last time I was at the mall, I got so sick of the cupids and hearts and all things adorable that I had to pop into Hot Topic just to restore my sanity and return to my bubbly personality." She said this in her flattest voice, making him laugh. "Nothing like a place where you can browse for Care Bears right next to the Hannibal Lecter action figures. Unless something urgent comes up, I'm taking Valentine's day and the rest of the stupid week off to avoid it all, sitting at home with my sister, the single one, watching as many bloody gory horror movies I can get my hands on just to not be...fluffy."

Goren pouted, and she couldn't help but smile a little knowing exactly what was bothering him. She had taken very few days off since becoming his partner. He had...problems coping without her. She reminded herself for the umpteenth time in several years to write an apology to Lynne Bishop, then smiled wickedly. Nah. "What about you? Hot date?"

"Not that I know of," he answered, clicking on the time-off request button on his laptop to secure the fourteenth, fifteenth and sixteenth. No point in coming in when he was just going to drive everyone batty. Sometime, he reminded himself, I'm going to send Bishop a "sorry I was such a jerk" card. Nah.

"Hm. Wanna join me and my sister for the slicing and dicing? I mean, if you get that time off request approved that you just put in." She absently gestured toward his computer.

He smiled at her observation. "No, thanks," he answered off-hand, not paying attention to the nice blow-off, jerk face that he was getting from across the joined desks.

"Somebody you're not telling me about?" she teased, trying to keep her expression one of playfulness and not one of hey, look at me, I just got some nifty green contact lenses! He would be able to tell the difference, of course. Of course, to tell the difference, he would have to actually pay attention to her. First the brush-off, and now he wasn't even looking at her, and it was ticking her off. That was something she wasn't at all used to. She couldn't remember exactly when she had noticed that he would sometimes stare at her from across their desks, or when she had decided he should do it more often, and now she mentally scolded herself for feeling jealous of a possibly non-existent girlfriend.

"Nope, no plans," he said simply, apparently finding nothing rude about saying that he preferred to do absolutely nothing than watch movies with her.

"Okay, suit yourself," she said, trying not to sound hurt.

"Well, I mean if you-"

"I said it doesn't matter."

"I was brusque, sorry." He looked at her appraisingly. "Your sister, you said she's...?"

"Off-limits," she answered stonily, not looking up from her paperwork.

"'Course, sorry." He examined her face again. Why is he trying to read me like I'm a perp?

"I just don't want to have to kill you if you break her heart, that's all," she explained simply.

Please R&R for several reasons:

1. I want to know what you like and what you don't because I never get sick of writing this silly fanfiction and I want to know how to write the inevitable tripe next time (a Dave Barry note: The Inevitable Tripe would be a great name for a rock band).

2. Let me know if you think The Inevitable Tripe would be a great name for a rock band. Please explain.

3. There are things about my writing I'm not sure of. I think I go overboard with the italics and the elip- the elipt- the liptickles- the dot dot dot thing...

4. Do my jokes suck? Um, never mind, don't tell me if they do.

Next time in Can You Keep a Secret?

Alexandra,

Can you keep a secret?

What on earth did that mean? She turned it over, frowning.

I can.

"Hmm." She could see out of the corner of her eye that he partner was watching her with interest. He wanted to see the card, but wasn't going to ask, she interpreted. "Yes, you may," she answered, passing him the card.