Dear reader,
my first try with an Avengers story, I hope you enjoy it.
It was planned as a parody on the second Avenger film, but somewhere on the way I decided I could write a serious second Avenger script. So that was the first scene I wrote, when it was supposed to be comedy. I'm still working on the serious script and may use parts of this in it as well.
But for the moment I hope you enjoy this funny one-short & you'll leave me some sort of feedback :)
Avengers #2
Scene 1: Avengers Assemble!
Helicarrie, conference room
Tony, Steve, Natasha, Clint sitting around table. Nick Fury is standing (because it's more dramatic).
FURY: We need the Avengers again.
CLINT: Because I've got heaps of spare time... Have you seen my schedule for next week? Oh yeah of course you have! You're my boss.
FURY: For your active work as an Avengers you are released from all your S.H.I.E.L.D duties. (Nat raised eyebrow) You too, Agent Romanov.
TONY: So where is the problem? Does Rudolph have again problems with his megalomania and tries again to take over our nice and peaceful blue planet?
THOR: (Crashes through window; with his hammer ahead) Friend Anthony, how often have I told you that the comparison of my little brother with the Midgardian pet of the Midgardian man who traditionally brings the little children presents is inappropriate?
TONY: Once too less.
STEVE: I think Loki's last attack was too close to success. We may need more Avengers recruits for this mission.
BRUCE: No!
STEVE: Why?
TONY: Does nobody here reads the papers?
FURY: For God's sake! Stark, you also only read your S.H.I.E.L.D papers! You don't even read the papers of your own company – That's why you need Ms Potts!
TONY: Oh whatever. The problem is that as soon as we recruit somebody new, we have to decruit the Hulk.
NAT: Why?
CLINT: Yeah why? I mean since he could control his anger problems, everything is fine. He didn't attack anybody in Now York – expect from the aliens. And that, for god's sake, was his duty as Avenger!
TONY: My research said that we gonna mistrust him. His feelings gonna be hurt, because of us. And no way how often we apologize he's leaving.
STEVE: If you, at least for once, would just try to apologize, he would probably stay. But yeah apologizing is not really your style, Stark, is it?
BRUCE: Hey, no big deal guys. I don't even trust myself – That's why I actually never really wanted to join.
NAT: You came back and helped. You didn't hurt any of us. That must count something.
THOR: He bet my brother black and blue.
NAT: Your brother killed two people in 80 days.
CLINT: Uhm, Nat… I guess it was the other way round.
NAT: He was killed by two people in 80 days? That doesn't make sense! Don't confuse me, Barton!
CLINT: Don't get shitty with me, Nat. I just said he killed 80 people in two days.
NAT: Fuck you! But, honestly, our last mission as a team was three years ago. How should I recall all the details? My head is full of creative ideas how to pin down Clint the next time we spare in training.
FURY: Thank you, Agent Romanov, for the unnecessary insight in your thoughts!
CLINT: You think about pining me down?! Well, guess that makes it less bad, that I think about the same think. Just in my thoughts it's not exactly for training…
FURY: Barton!
STEVE: Team! We should really focus on the problem.
TONY: So apparently, my dear dear friend Rodgers, hasn't changed a lot in the last three years. Don't want to tell me to "suit up", Capsicle?
STEVE: Focus, team!
FURY: I hate it as hell to admit that, but I came to the same result as Stark. We can't think about recruiting new team mates, without losing Banner – Otherwise we risk a really bad divide out of alternative universes.
TONY: And we can't take that risk under any circumstances.
CLINT: So you guys are seriously dating?
BRUCE: What?
NAT: You left together, after bidding farewell to Thor. And as super spies of an intelligence agency we never lost track of you.
CLINT: And 'coz you spent a lot of time together, we thought…
TONY: I've got Pepper.
STEVE: From the four words, that made your whole really complex personality, was one playboy.
BRUCE: Of course, we NOT dating.
TONY: What's obviously a good thing, because otherwise I had to leave you right now. You. Just. Interrupted! The beginning of any epic battle between me and Capsicle.
STEVE: It's "Capsicle" and me.
TONY: You name the important points always first – But at least you found a starting point for a new fight. That's what I need to work with.
CLINT: I hate to interrupt your "epic battle" again. But just to make a point clear: You're not dating Bruce. But even, if you have Pepper, you're still a playboy. (To Nat) So what do you see, dear Watson?
TONY: Really a Sherlock Holmes joke? Just because the guy playing Holmes and I look a little bit similar?
NAT: Cap and Stark flirting the whole time, when they pretend to have huge and insuperable problems with each other.
TONY: I really hate him.
STEVE: It's not polite to say, but... yeah same with me. Hate him.
FURY: Thank god, you two squabbler could agree on something. Could we now focus?
STEVE: We stopped while thinking about new recruits.
TONY: No, we need Bruce.
THOR: Why is the man of iron so attached to the big green friend?
BRUCE: Tony, with his big mouth, promised Pepper to give up all his armors.
THOR: So friend Anthony isn't the man of iron anymore?
BRUCE: He is, because all his armors are now in my cellar.
TONY: And because, seriously, this team wouldn't work without me, the amazing Iron man, we, as a team, can't lose Bruce under any circumstances.
CLINT: No matter how, once more, selfish that sounded, he's got a point.
STEVE: So no new recruits?
NAT: нет.
CLINT: She means no.
STEVE: Well, I kind of likes our team how it is anyway. (Pause) Expect from Stark, I hate him, of course, still.
FURY: Walk to hell all of you god dam superheroes (angry look from Nat) and spies (really angry look from Nat) super-spies. Screw you and go to hell all of you! I just spent a whole hour of my valuable time dealing with your Avengers kindergarten. And what's the result? Everything stay the fuck how it was?
STEVE: I'm sorry, Sir.
TONY: Oh come, Captain Coax, we're not in school, no point in trying to be teachers pet.
CLINT: I think somebody should keep a list with Tonys nicknames for Cap – some are hilarious.
BRUCE: You don't know that you have at least as many as Cap, do you?
TONY: Legolas, Katniss, but my personal favourite is LoFA.
BRUCE: You better not ask.
CLINT: And what does that acronym stand for?
TONY: Lokis favourite Avenger.
CLINT: I kill you, Stark.
NAT: I liked Katniss the best.
CLINT: Traitress.
FURY: Like I said: kindergarten. (Into intercom) Coulson! Your turn! I go… copy… stuff!
STEVE: Without being impolite, I would like to remind you that Agent Coulson…
Doors open and closes again. Agent Phil Coulson is entering, standing on the right side behind Fury facing the Avengers.
PHIL: Good day, Avengers. I hope you kept my cards, Captain?
THOR: You are alive?
PHIL: Indeed.
FURY: I said he should keep his eyes open. I refused to do so. That's refusal to obey orders! And what do you idiotic never growing up children think how I handle people who refuse to obey my orders?!
CLINT: Now I'm happing not to work for S.H.I.E.L.D anymore.
FURY: What the fuck are you talking about, Barton?
NAT: You said we're free from all S.H.I.E.L.D duties while we're Avengers.
FURY: That's not about orders, you god dam spy pack!
CLINT: Well whose orders? I guess we, as Avengers, should vote for a leader.
TONY: I'm the man.
NAT: What a surprise.
BRUCE: What about we vote after the new mission? I guess we don't really know much about each other and their leading skills so far.
CLINT: And until then Fury is able to forbid us dying?
FURY: S.H.I.E.L.D is gonna give the orders for the Avengers initiative.
PHIL: S.H.I.E.L.D means you, as our director.
FURY: Correct, Agent.
TONY: I knew his first name was Agent!
BRUCE: What about something simple like the oldest?
NAT: Would make sense. I agree!
TONY: Hey! Me and Brucey here, we are geniuses – All we say makes sense.
NAT: Like last Christmas party you called me the whole time Pepper?
TONY: Not my fault that you girls have the same hair colour.
BRUCE: Pepper is blonde.
TONY: No, she's not. I mean why should I call her Pepper than? That's one of my very creative nicknames allude to her red hair.
CLINT: You should really stay with playboy, tin man.
TONY: Are you looking for a nickname fight, LoFA?
CLINT: At least I could recall the hair colour of my own girlfriend, can hero.
TONY: You don't even have a girlfriend, birdbrain.
BRUCE: I guess it's up to you, Steve. You are the oldest. So deal with the problem before I bring some green colour into the fight.
THOR: Friend Bruce, I live since the beginning of time.
BRUCE: Sorry, Thor, but we can't just count time spend on our planet.
STEVE: Barton! Stark! Shut up, both of you!
TONY: Why? Fury is gone anyway.
PHIL: He's copying some files. And you, if I may recall for you, are not here to have a good time.
TONY: Oh not? Thanks for telling me, I almost had fun.
PHIL: The earth needs it mightiest heroes.
STEVE: So as new captain…
TONY: Capsicle, if that's a strange back-flash or something, may I have the arguable pleasure of telling you that you're still in the 21 century and we're not your god dam Hydra-castle attack command.
STEVE: Shut up, Stark! Of course I know how you all are.
TONY: And I tried for once so hard to be nice...
BRUCE: Steve is our new temporary team captain.
CLINT: When did we agree to that?
TONY: I'm opposing it – We're no high school football team, we don't need a captain.
NAT: Too late, Stark, he's the new team leader.
STEVE: As temporary team leader I'd like to agree on two points. We should in the future try to behave and be more of a team. And we should listen to Director Fury whenever he returns from copying.
TONY: Or we just send you for copying jobs in the future. We wouldn't have a Poppa as Captain and you could learn some, for you, challenging future technology stuff – Or did your talent for modern tech increase in the last years proportionally to Clint's nicknames?