"Leave it-"
"Make it-"
"Leave it-"
"Make it-"
"When I make it shine…"
"Just leave it all to me…"
As everyone around them burst into applause, the two dark-haired girls collapsed, giggling, into each other's arms.
"That was awesome!" cried Tori.
"I know! What a terrific crossover!" Carly replied. "Even our theme songs sound great together! I mean, yours isn't quite as good as ours, obviously, but they make for such a terrific mashup!"
Suddenly, the room fell silent as the grave. Tori thrust Carly away, her face contorting itself into a cold glower.
"What's the matter?" said an unnerved Carly. "Did I say something wrong?"
"Yeah. Yeah, you did. Who do you think you are, coming into our house and talking smack about our theme song?"
"I wasn't talking smack! Your theme song's cool! It's just that…well…"
"Out with it, girl," snapped Andre.
"I mean…your theme encourages unrealistic expectations in its listeners, doesn't it? 'You're never gonna fade, you'll be the main attraction'? Let's face it, most people are never going to be the main attraction in their entire lives! For every chart-topping singer in America today, there's a million poor slobs slaving away in cubicles all day long, babbling their way through 'Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida' on drunk karaoke night in front of half a dozen hecklers, then collapsing into bed at three in the morning beside their cold and indifferent spouses. Why try to persuade them that they're going to achieve fame and fortune some day? It'll just make their disappointment all the more bitter when they inevitably fail. Right? That's all I'm saying. But it's not that big a deal, guys. Nothing to get mad about…"
As if by some unspoken signal, Andre, Beck, Jade, Cat, Robbie and Trina came forward silently and assumed menacing positions alongside Tori. Sam, Freddie, Spencer and Gibby responded by flanking Carly protectively.
"So you wanna criticize theme songs, huh?" sneered Tori. "Pretty tough talk, coming from someone whose audience is too stupid to breathe!"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" cried Spencer.
" 'Live life, breathe air/ I know somehow we're gonna get there…' Why do you feel the need to say that? Do you really think that all your little fans won't know that they need to breathe air unless you tell them? 'Gee, that was close! I was going to inhale liquid nitrogen until that song warned me otherwise! God bless you, iCarly!'"
Freddie could no longer hold his tongue. "I don't think we've exactly got a monopoly on moronic lyrics. 'And you don't know where you are now'? Well then, stop singing and buy yourself a damn GPS already!"
" 'Wake up the members of my nation'?" chimed in Robbie. "Your nation? Have you seceded from the United States all of a sudden? Are you a traitor, Carly Shay?"
In a flash, Carly's timid attitude was gone. A terrifying anger shot like electricity through her limbs. "Oh, that is it. Come, iCarlyites! Defend my wounded honor!"
"Two can play at that little game, missy," Tori shot back. "Knights of Hollywood Arts! To arms!"
************************************************
In centuries to come, wandering bards would sing many a song about that glorious battle. The forces of iCarly, in particular, displayed valor beyond imagining; the mighty Gibby Gibson, it was said, slew ten men with one blow from the jawbone of an ass, while Samantha Puckett's hitherto unrevealed mastery of the broadsword and quarterstaff proved the ruin of anyone foolish enough to stand in her way. But in the end, courage was not enough to prevail against Hollywood Arts' vast numerical superiority and greater familiarity with the terrain. One by one, our five heroes fell before the remorseless onslaught. Now, they lie beneath the soil of the California desert, with only a pile of fatcakes to mark their shallow grave. But all is not lost; for, legend has it, they will rise again one day, to save the Internet at its hour of greatest peril. Until then, rest well, noble warriors.