How did it end up like this? I really didn't mean to. I didn't mean any harm. But why did it have to end this way? Why do things have to be like this? I really wish I could take back what I said. I truely do.
I took a deep breath as I slowly opened the door to Roy Mustang's office. The door made a loud eerie creaking sound as I pushed it fully open. I gulped as I looked at the colonel as he sat at his desk looking over some paper work.
"You wanted to see me Fullmetal?" He said not even bothering to look up at me as I confessed.
Yes I knew it was wrong, I knew it was disgusting. It was a crime against nature that I felt this way, yet I still did. To this day I still do not know what had brought on that sudden feeling to me. All I remember is the sickening bliss I felt when I was around him.
The thought of feeling that way towards him, it made me sick to my stomach, and it made me think of how ridiculous I was. Yet I still felt that way. I know I very well could have prevented my downfall altogether, but I didn't.
In short, I was in love with Colonel Mustang. And I hated it.
"Roy, I..." I don't know how I'd managed to muster up the courage that day. I really do wonder. "I love you." I'd regretted that moment as soon as the word love had touched my tongue.
The utterance of those words, it made me ashamed to be in his presence. I'd turned to walk the other way when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to look. He looked at me, with a more serious expression than ever.
"What was that?" he practically whispered.
I closed my eyes and regrettfully responded with "I love you. I know I shouldn't I know it's wrong but-"
He place a finger to my lips, making me instantly cease my talking when i felt the cold chill of his fingers.
He stepped closer to me and looked down at me. I'd grown quite a bit taller than I'd been when I first met him. I was now only about four inches shorter than him. I'd just then realized that as he looked into my eyes.
I half expected him to yell at me at that moment. Right when I was so content, I felt as thought he would destroy it. Yet he didn't. He leaned down and whispered into my ear.
I had no idea what he'd said, I couldn't sort out the words.
A few seconds later, however, I understood every word. I understood everything as he pressed his lips to mine. Fulfilling that corrupt longing I'd had hanging on my consience for what seemed like forever.
He broke away from the prolonged kiss with a rush of color on his cheeks. He began to turn away, "Sorry Edward. I didn't mean to. I just... acted on impulse. That's not how I should act though, being a military leader and-"
I'd stopped him from walking away by wrapping my arms around his chest. "It's my fault." I said bluntly "I was the one who made the uncalled for confession. I am more to blame than you."
He slowly turned around to face me. I could see it in his eyes, what he wanted. His twisted desires, were my twisted desires. His desires that defied all morality, were my desires.
I reached my mouth up towards his, gently brushing against his lips, resulting in a light kiss. He soon retaliated by pressing his lips down harder. I responded by pressing myself against him.
Then I could feel it, his tongue lightly licking my lips, just waiting to get into my mouth. I opened my mouth slowly and cringed a bit as his tongue touched mine.
While we were there in his office, it seemed like time was standing still, like the world around us was in silence.
Thank God that Roy had stopped us before we'd done something we'd both regret. He suddenly jerked away and stood up, as I still laid on the ground watching him, with my hair going all over the place since it'd been released from the tie that normally held it back.
I saw him straighten out his uniform as it had become wrinkled during our making out. He sat back down at his desk with a sadness on his face like no other.
"What's wrong?" I said regaining myself as I rose and too straightened myself out. "I shouldn't have pushed anything should I.."
He sighed and said "No, you did as you felt. However, whether or not we love eachother wont matter to everyone else. I am a man that is older than you Edward. That kind of love isn't natural."
"I know." I felt like throwing up at the thought of what we'd come close to doing. "Roy I..."
"When I'd first come into realization of what I felt for you," he said sternly "I thought perhaps it was a lustful love. But after what just happened... I realized that isn't true. The passion I have for you isn't lust Edward. It's more serious than that, and you should stay away for that exact reason."
"Roy." I said my happiness draining bit by bit "I realized something too. My feelings, emotions, they're real. That impulsiveness back there, it didn't feel right. I have no lust for you. It's nothing but true love."
At that point, my feelings, my thoughts, they didn't feel so vile or disgusting any more.
That night I slept in the same bed as him. No sexual desires had been shown, no perverse ideas had even come across our minds, for just a hug, a simple embrace, was more than enough.
However, that peacful night, was his last, for the next morning he was accused of the kindnapping and raping of Edward Elric. I testified for him. I told them it wasn't true. But they had on tape bits and pieced of the previous day, Roy kissing me, him bringing me with him in the dark of night. They had all the evidence that could easily convict him.
It wasn't much longer and Roy was executed. I had snuck over to say my last good bye to him, but I didn't get my chance. Moments after I'd spotted him, he was soon fired at. The only redemptive thought was that the last thing I saw him look at was me approaching him.
I, who had brought him to his own death, was the last thing he'd seen.
Watching him die before my eyes was like watching my hopes and wishes be crushed, and fall apart.
No matter what anyone says, those emotional scars never wore away. The became more and more persistant in their hanging over me.
So much that I write this, this suicide note of crushed love.
I will remember you even in death.
Yours truly,
Edward Elric