"SHHHH!!!! Don't let the pla-er, readers know!" - Cerl Togashi, Silent Hill: Cerl Interferes
"You know, I've never seen Laura. Kind of odd, seeing as I claim to want to protect her." - Maria "Yeah, what was up with that Bowling Alley thing? I mean, not wanting to go in one?" - Cerl "I was tramuatized by a horrific bowling accident that claimed twenty-seven and a half lives." - Maria, shuddering Cerl stared at Maria in confusion.
"'and a half'?" - Cerl - Silent Hill, Cerl Interferes
Cerl Descending Omake! - Volume 1 =================================
Since Cerl Descending has met with a resounding, "Comments N/A" for such a long time (prior to my demands on April Fool's Day, which, ironically, weren't a joke), I decided to create a bunch of omake to inspire readership or at the very F#ing least, a response.
Though I've now gotten some responses, I was too busy laughing over the ideas seen below. My good friend, TharzZzDunN also put in his comments and criticisms and helped make this as demented as it is. If you find some jokes going above and beyond Call of Duty...er, I mean THE call of duty, they're probably his or had his hand in the final editting.
A lot of the humor in this is aimed at the horror genre and will resemble more of my "Silent Hill 5: Cerl Interferes" story with insane and possibly gross humor.
Warning: You MUST have a sense of humor to read this! If you don't like some of the jokes, that's fine. Not everyone is the same on what they find funny. We do admit that we took a few jokes from other sources, too many to note here.
Additional Warning: If you haven't read all the avaiable chapters for Cerl Descending, then I've put up little guidelines to give you an idea where you should stop reading.
-Silent Hill 1-
Alessa glared at Cheryl, "I want a monster that's CUTE! And I want you to make it powerful and also a teddy bear."
Cheryl tried to imagine such a creature, [Well, I can make it two out of three]
Later, after the construction of the first Teddy Bear monster.
Alessa giggled and hugged the creature, "YAY! It's SO CUTE!"
Cheryl stared at Alessa. Then took a step back. Then another. Finally, Cheryl spun around and ran from the room.
-Chapter 1-
Embarrassed over her blunder, Cerl obediently extended her hand to the police woman, who's cold and clammy hand grabbed her wrist and lead Cerl into town. Cerl forced herself to calm down. The female officer didn't warrant danger.
"Is it always this bad?" Cerl asked.
"Hmm?" the police woman inquired.
Cerl gestured to the air, "The writing."
"Well, only when the author isn't putting any comedy into the scene." the police woman answered.
CRACKLETHOOM
"Oh, real original, A-kun." Cerl sneered, before she and Kimberly fainted from the lightning bolt.
"Letters. About thirty years or so back, a man came into town complaining about the same thing. I wasn't even born when it all happened. Turns out what happened was the biggest case in Silent Hill and Brahms history." Kimberly responded.
Cerl quirked an eyebrow, "Something bad? Cults and Drug Rings?"
"No, Carrot Top and Bahz Lehrman clone factories." Kimberly replied, "The military had to use a 'Scorched Earth' policy..."
Cerl nodded, "Reasonable."
Kimberly opened the door slowly, peeking out. She rolled her eyes and opened the door all the way, "Scraper, you and your boys git!"
The Narrator cut in, "How're them Scarab boys gonna get out this one? Let's watch."
Just then, the General Lee flew past the police station...
-Chapter 2-
Cerl began walking towards the middle stall, the sound of her own footsteps and breathing seeming rather ominous. She wondered if perhaps she was simply overreacting as she slid alongside the stall doors and gently pushed open the door.
Nothing but rust dripping from a leaky pipe. She mentally berated herself as she turned away, but her eyes chanced to flicker at the mirror.
Someone was in the stall.
"%Ain't nuthin' but a houn'dog... cryin' all the time...%"
"Elvis! So THIS is where you disappeared to..." Cerl commented, snapping her fingers in rhythm to the King's singing.
(Actually, this would explain why there have been so many "King" sightings since his passing.)
"Actually, while you're here, would you like a free check up?" Tina inquired.
Cerl looked at her curiously, "Are you all THAT bored?"
Tina smiled, "Of course, it's been at least six months since we made 'Naughty Nurses 3'... and since I haven't written to Penthouse Letters in over two weeks, they're probably starting to get worried..."
Cindy smacked Cerl upside the head. Cerl blinked.
"Sorry, reflex. She's usually on that side." Cindy apologized, before she smacked Tina upside the head.
"I... I don't have a boyfriend." Cerl replied haughtily, a blush coming to her face despite her wishes.
"Oh, I read you loud and clear..." Cindy said, nodding knowingly, "A transvestite, eh?"
Cerl suddenly made a fruity homicidal lunge at Cindy's throat...
"Are you sure this is okay? I mean, a free exam? Won't someone get angry?" Cerl asked, as she entered the room. She was getting the feeling she was doing something she shouldn't, but something in the air kept her from panicking like she had back at the police station. She was beginning to feel a bit cotton-headed.
Then, Cerl remembered that she'd left the Q-tips in her ears and pulled them out.
She was naked, no surprise there. Cerl sat up and instantly regretted the action. She glanced around the room and groaned as she looked at nearby calendar, which read the 7th of April.
"Not the Danish Lesbian Pirates AGAIN!" Cerl moaned, looking at the other six naked women around her, "That's like, the fifth time this month!"
She crept down the corridor and glanced outside, wondering what direction the window faced and noticed something entirely else.
The town was like a nightmarish hell.
Teletubby and Barney merchandise littered every store window, kids actually thought Beyblade was cool, and the "no-violence, sex, language, violet language, sexual language or freedom of speech" supporters were running around slapping hands with rulers whenever someone thought something naughty or when someone mentioned Pokemon.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Cerl screamed, then proceeded to kill herself rather than allow herself to live in a world where the ultra-conservatives weren't thought of as enormous idiots for trying to get the government to regulate such things.
Then a foot slammed into her back, driving her to the ground. Cerl turned her head to try and see what was behind her. The sight of loose pants held up by thin suspenders, the black boots, military officer-esque hat, the whip and black gloves entered her field of vision, as did the short red hair and the curvy female body.
"You've been such a naughty girl, darling." Chocolate Misu purred.
"You're not even from this dimension!" Cerl protested, pointing an accusatory finger at the dominatrix-esque Sorcerer Hunter.
"Like that'll really stop me." Chocolate said, grinning naughtily.
Cerl looked at the author with puppy-dog eyes, "Scene change, please?"
"Hmmmmm.....naaaahhh." A-kun answered.
"YOU #$$#-" Cerl began, only to be cut off as Chocolate whipped out the ballgag, lederhosen, and box of Lucky Charms.
-Chapter 3-
"Your eyes opened a number of times, but you didn't respond to anything I said." Kimberly answered.
"....whatever." Cerl said, impersonating Squall, the whiny loser of a protagonist from Final Fantasy 8.
"DON'T SASS ME!" Kimberly snapped, bitch-slapping Cerl.
"Spaniel is apparently still working with the cult. She made some sort of deal in order to carry out her horrible experiments. When she reappeared last year, she looked to be in her mid-twenties, which should have been impossible if she were the same person. Besides that, just about everyone had forgotten about her." Kimberly began, "until, that is, the yearly police cookout."
"You mean..." Cerl gasped.
"That's right. She gave everyone diarrhea with her undercooked hotdog surprise." Kimberly replied.
"THAT FIEND!" Cerl snarled.
Kimberly closed her eyes and sighed, before opening her eyes again, "As near as I can figure, this ISN'T Reno."
Cerl rolled her eyes, "Duh. It's OBVIOUSLY New Orleans."
Kimberly snorted, "Don't be stupid. This can only be the dirtiest place in the entire world. And that place is-"
WE INTERUPT THIS LINE OF DIALOGUE TO CUT THIS ENTIRE JOKE SHORT.
"...sauce covering my whole body.... and the chicken...oooohh and the chicken....." Kimberly moaned into the drive-through speakers, stroking herself erotically.
"Okay, ma'am, please pull around." the Burger King order taker, Dane Cook, replied, before turning to the zombies behind him, "SOMEBODY GET ME SOME SAUCE, NOW! COME ON! SHE WANTS IT HER WAY!"
Back at the police station, Cerl drummed her fingers on a table in utter boredom, "I knew I should've gone with her."
(Watch "Comedy Central Presents" more, you heathens)
"Darn it, Scraper, I told you to stay out of sight until I had time to explain."
Cerl stared at Kimberly, "You're talking to a giant dildo?"
"When I got here, I found I could understand them. I managed to create a rapport with them. They aren't much and they can't hurt any of Cheryl's minions effectively, but they're a huge help in finding passages and such in this city. They also saved your life." Kimberly explained.
".........." Cerl answered, staring at Kimberly.
As if on cue, "Scraper" began buzzing, slowly moving around on the desk.
"......................" Cerl enunciated.
"They're really quite helpful once you get used to them." Kimberly said.
"............................................" Cerl concluded.
"Don't be ridiculous. Pyramid Head missed your organs-" Kimberly began, before glancing left and right conspiratorially, "Not that I know what he's called."
Just then, Kimberly caught sight of a small Welsh Corgi in a nearby window who glared meaningfully at her. Kimberly turned pale and began sweating profusely.
"NINJA TURTLE BUTT-PLUGS!" Kimberly cried.
Cerl stared at her, "ANNNNY-whoooo..."
(A Welsh Corgi is the closest thing to the dog in the Dog Ending of Silent Hill 2 that I could think of. I could probably find the exact breed, but I don't wanna.)
Cerl grumbled, "Just my luck. By the way, did Scraper see what happened to Nurse Lisa?"
Kimberly blinked, "Uh, there isn't anyone named Lisa working at the hospital."
"That's impossible, she and I were in the three-legged race together. She couldn't have gone far if I still have hers." Cerl said, holding up a severed leg.
"EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW!!" Kimberly "EEEEWWWWW!"ed.
The blonde police woman was there, looking very much like she had the last time, blood still covering half of her face.
"Hi... I'm Cerl. What's your name?" Cerl asked, trying hard to keep her panic down.
Rust formed on the mirror, forming a name on the mirror: Cybil Bennett. The words faded slower than they appeared.
"Nice to meet you, Cybil. Listen, I need to know some things."
Cerl began, relieved that the ghost was feeling talkative.
More writing appeared on the wall: Like what/
"Do you know Doctor Cheryl Spaniel?" Cerl asked.
No/
"Damn." Cerl murmurred, "How did you come to haunt this place?"
Bad hot dogs/
"........" Cerl struggled to continue thinking in the face of such a preposterous notion, "Then what about the blood?"
It's ketchup. Damn stuff's dried there/
"BUT YOU'RE A GHOST." Cerl demanded.
I know, I can't figure it out either.
-Chapter 4-
Then, Cerl caught sight of what was behind Tina.
"Vincent Price..." Lisa whispered, her eyes wide with fear and panic.
"NYAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Vincent Price laughed.
Lisa screamed and ran as quickly as she could away from Vincent Price, who chased after her, leaving Pyramid Head and Cerl to stare after them.
"Isn't he dead?" Cerl inquired.
Pyramid Head somehow frowned, "You thought Silent Hill had limits? Besides, all we have to do is jiggle some of the wires in this wall and POOF, he's back!"
Cerl was about to fire when she sensed something behind her. She spun and managed to catch Pyramid Head's spear with her left hand and shove the tip away from her. She hissed as her hand felt burned from the effort.
Then, she got a good look at Pyramid Head, who had a red clown nose on the tip of his "face". She snerked, then giggled, then fell over laughing.
"CUT!" the director yelled.
Cerl was about to fire when she sensed something behind her. She spun and managed to catch Pyramid Head's spear with her left hand and shove the tip away from her. She hissed as her hand felt burned from the effort.
Then, she got a good look at Pyramid Head, who had replaced his scary mask for an orange traffic cone. Cerl began laughing again.
"CUT! MAKE UP!" the director yelled.
Then, she got a good look at Pyramid Head, who had replaced his scary mask for a lampshade. Cerl began laughing again.
"DAMMIT!" the director
Cerl twitched, fear filling her.
....join/
Cerl's body jerked, as if electrocuted, as a chill ran down her spine.
....you trust Friend Computer, don't you/
Cerl burst awake in a cold sweat, "I never knew playing Paranoia would affect my dreams like this!"
Cerl walked into the bathroom, splashed some water on her face, then looked up at the mirror to see a badly shaven man in the reflection.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Cerl screamed.
"OOOOHHHHHH!" the man replied.
"No, no, it's 'AH', like at the back of the throat. AAAAaahh." Cerl instructed.
"Oh, terribly sorry. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" the man screamed.
"Much better." Cerl declared, smiling.
Cerl burst awake in a cold sweat. Shaking her head, she pulled on her 3WA bathrobe and walked out in the living room, "Hey, Kei, Yuri, Mughi."
Kei and Yuri replied, "Hey, Shasti."
Cerl looked up to see that not only was she no longer in the hospital, but in an apartment and there were two women nearby, both of whom Cerl recognized.
"Hey, this is Silent Hill! You're not allowed here!" Cerl growled, glaring at both Princess Toadstool and Tifa Lockheart, both of whom were lounging in wet, clingy, nearly transparent-white bikinis.
"Hey, we were paid to be here." Tifa answered.
"Unlike you." Princess Toadstool added.
Cerl whimpered, her eyes watering and her bottom lip quivering, "That's just cruel..."
Cerl entered the antiques shop. Apparently, it had been emptied before the fire, leaving only a busted grandfather clock, a dirty and torn up couch and a gaping hole next to the clock. Cerl entered the hole and quickly discovered a once-hidden chamber that had a black and crispy altar and a brand-new high-tech tube, the kind that were so prevalent in sci-fi movies for making monsters or holding people, filled with mysterious golden goo.
[So, she's trying to fuse sausage and bacon. But something went wrong. In any case, I better make sure she can't use this place again.] Cerl thought.
"CUT!" the director yelled.
About an hour of searching the backalleys, Cerl finally found her way to the Heaven's Night strip club.
"Finally! Time to get my Fanservice on!" Cerl declared.
"So, just about nothing." Cerl deadpanned, inwardly frustrated. Then again, with the time distortion, the chances of anyone useful appearing in the town in time to help were minimal.
Melissa looked a bit upset, but nodded in agreement, "Yes, we've already seen some really horrible things. Ghastly things that shouldn't be..."
Louie looked uncomfortable, as Melissa began trembling, her eyes losing focus.
"It was just a titty bar." Laura scoffed.
"PRUDE!" Cerl and Angela yelled in unison.
With that said, Cerl headed back into the armory, Louie following closely behind her.
"You can't go by yourself." Louie commented, "It's too dangerous."
"I've already run into most of the big-time monsters in this place and come away alive. I might not win in a straight-up fight, but I think I can do better than most of you. I've got more martial arts and live firearms experience than all of you combined, and I've got the best idea as to where Cheryl might be. If I can take her out, I'm fairly certain that Sammael will lose his last connection to this world and everything SHOULD go back to normal." Cerl explained.
"Just because you're a Level 3 Gunner and a Level 4 Monk..." Melissa grumbled.
"I'd be higher, but I need to find an expert to train me." Cerl answered.
-Chapter 5-
"What the blue hell were those things?!" Angela asked, a look of horror and disgust on her face.
"That was Scraper and his friends. They've helped me survive countless times in this hellhole." Kimberly replied, taking offense to Angela's digust.
Fifty scarab beetles skittered out the second time, depositing thirty clips of handgun ammunition and twenty boxes of assorted shells for the shotguns and the rifles.
Louie was the first to recover as he bent down to pick up another handgun, "Well, they are helpful."
A final one skittered out and deposited a large pink dildo.
The group exchanged glances. Finally, a blush firmly on her face, Melissa knelt down to pick it up and tried to hand it to Louie.
"Hey, it's yours, not mine..." Louie began.
"HOLD ONTO IT!" Melissa growled.
"Holding..." Louie whimpered, taking the wang-shaped item and tucking into his coat.
-Chapter 6-
Laura watched Cerl lean heavily against a wall in the last alleyway to the Amusement Park. Ever since they'd left the police station, Cerl had begun sweating and breathing as if she were exhuasting herself. This was the second break they'd been forced to take. The once strong and proud blonde woman was looking rather pale as well.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Laura pressed.
"I'm... I'm fine." Cerl answered, turning to face her, her knees quivering as if they might give out at any moment. She clutched at her left side.
PPPPPPPRRRRRRBBBTTTT
"You just HAD to have Taco Bell, didn't you?" Laura asked, shaking her head.
"But it was two for one on the chimichongas!" Cerl whimpered, before letting loose with a ten second burst of flatulence.
"We'll have cancel the Cotillion." Lisa declared with the accent of a southern belle.
"Take off your shirt." Laura demanded.
Cerl looked confused for a second, then haughtily answered, "No."
"Yes! We paid for it! DO IT!" Laura growled.
Cerl sighed. Becoming an exotic dancer wasn't the best idea Nabiki had come up with, but it was better than the Tendo Dojo-Soapland merger that Kasumi had suggested or the Tendo Dojo-Goth Coffeehouse & Stripclub idea Ranma had come up with. Or even Nodoka's idea for a Bukkake Salon.
TharzZzDunN: How about- [CENSORED DUE TO DISTURBING IMAGERY INVOLVING FARM ANIMALS, VEGETABLES IN INAPPROPRIATE PLACES ON WOMEN, THE OLSEN TWINS AND IMPLIED VESTIALITY]
A-kun: No.
T-kun: Dammit, I'm an artist! I need appreciation! No one liked my idea for a Dragonball Z Character who's a furry and is the only male character that isn't gay! He has no super powers and goes into accounting! I'm gonna bend over now, so all you brontasaurs out there, this one's for you...
"Don't 'what' me. You're a nurse and she's hurt. Do the math! We're going to help her, whether she wants us to or not." Laura retorted.
"But I honestly don't think that there's a medical condition that involves throwing rotten lemons and stones at Bahz Lehrman." Lisa replied.
"Who cares! We're going to pioneer new medical research! Now, grab your sack of lemons! She's not hurting him enough!" Laura said.
"Are you done yet?" Cerl asked angrily, shoving her shirt back into place.
"My, aren't we bitchy? Look, I just put in the fudge into the microwave, so you'll just have to wait." Laura replied, licking her whip as she drove her three inch stilletto heels into Cerl's back, before tugging her latex dominatrix outfit back into place. Her breasts kept popping out.
"At least I retained my dignity." Lisa snidely remarked from where she was hanging upside-down wearing a clownsuit.
"No, and I don't care. It's not bleeding, so let's just go. We have to check the amusement park." Cerl replied, wiping her face off with her shirt.
"Dammit, Cerl! You'll just have to wait until next time to ride The Pirates of the Carribean!" Lisa snapped.
"But, I wanna riiiiide!" Cerl wailed, tears pouring from her eyes.
The noise of something metal being dragged along cement began to reach their ears. They glanced back the way they came, the ever-annoying fog interfering with their line of sight. However, the instant Barney the Purple Dinosaur's distinctive form appeared, they turned and ran the other way.
"Huh-huh-huh-huh-HI KIDS! Today, we're going to learn about evisceration!" Barney, the psychotic dinosaur, laughed, dragging Pyramid Head's Great Knife in his right hand and Pyramid Head's mutilated body in his left.
No sooner had the three entered than the gates slammed shut behind them and a strong wind blew a much thicker fog over them. Cerl could barely see her feet, let alone the other two girls.
Cerl growled, "Goddamn, meat processing plants!"
"Lisa? Laura?" Cerl inquired, moving over to where the two should have been. The fog slowly faded away, allowing Cerl a clear view of the entire area after a minute. There was no sign of Lisa or Laura and no sign of their footprints either.
There was, however, a plethora of people in bad cosplay outfits for Lisa, Laura, Sailor Moon and Yuna from Final Fantasy X. Cerl just shook her head in disgust at the large number of hairy men trying to act like the famous characters.
Cerl drew her pistols and filled the area with gunfire the instant one of the Sailor Moon men tried to do a panty flash.
This time, the girl that formed out of the smoke didn't look like the first two. The girl looked a bit older than the second one, had messy blonde hair, wore a yellow shirt underneath a white survival vest, jean shorts, black boots, and much more of her face was covered in blood. She was also wielding a steel pipe. Unlike her two dumber sisters, though, she leapt into the carousel for cover.
Laura growled, slinging her shotgun and rifle onto her back again and drawing her pistol. She didn't like close combat in such a confined space with such a weak weapon, but the other girl wasn't going to be easy to hit from outside the carousel and her larger guns weren't as maneuverable.
Laura entered the carousel and managed to duck the swipe of the steel pipe. She grabbed the pipe and pulled out the one weapon that would strike fear into the blonde girl.
A toothbrush.
"Girl, those are some NASTY cigarette stains on your teeth." Laura told the blonde girl.
The blonde girl sniffled, tears in her eyes, "Why do you always say things that you know will hurt me?"
Instead, the smoke divided into three and entered the bodies of the three girls, all of whom began glowing red. Laura unslung her shotgun as the trio rose once more, fear filling her as all the wounds she'd inflicted on all three closed up as if they'd never happened. The only that indicated that they'd been shot were the holes in their clothing.
Laura dove for cover behind one of the carousel horses as the weapons all three were carrying transformed into submachine guns. The trio raised their guns and began firing wildly at her.
Luckily for Laura, she had a secret weapon in her pocket. She pulled it out and popped one in her mouth before standing up and shooting all three girls, all of whom returned fire. As they laid bleeding on the ground, the trio stared in disbelief as Laura didn't even have a scratch on her. She held up a tube of breath fresheners that read, "Mentos."
The three dying girls smiled and shook their heads, before falling limp. Laura gave the camera a thumbs up.
"Mentos - The Fresh Maker"
As it turned out, the mansion wasn't too far away. It looked like a real mansion, save for the fact that there were wooden overhangs for each window with the words "Borley Haunted Mansion" painted on each one. Roughly half of them had their paint worn away so that the lettering was faint or smeared.
She kicked open the door with both her handguns drawn. Inside, several monsters and Cheryl dove for cover, scattering their playing cards and poker chips everywhere.
"What the- sorry! Didn't mean to scare you..." Cerl apologized.
Then, Cerl caught sight of something, "By the way, Cheryl's got an Ace of Spades up her sleeve."
"DIE, CHEATER!" the monsters cried.
"Huh, and I didn't even have to lift a finger." Cerl commented as the monsters began dismembering Cheryl.
The next room was a personal movie theater, with a movie projector at the back of the room with a film loaded and prepared. Cerl frowned. As she entered the room, closing the door behind her, she took in every possible attack venue and found none, save for the door on the other side of the room and the door she'd just come through. A monster would have to burst through the walls or ceiling in order to attack before she could retaliate.
When she was a foot away from the projector, it suddenly jumped to life, displaying a film on the movie screen.
"-ahaaaaahn!"
Cerl's attention was drawn to the screen where she saw herself in a very suggestive position.
"No, Ranma-hime-sama! Don't use the whip cream there! aAAAAaaaaAAaaaaaAAAAH!"
Cerl's face turned red, "NABIKI TOLD ME THAT CAMERA WASN'T CONNECTED TO THAT COMPUTER!!"
Alternate end line #1: "SHE SAID SHE ERASED THAT TAPE!"
Alternate end line #2: "I JUST NEEDED THE MONEY! AND WHY AM I JUSTIFYING MYSELF TO NO ONE?!!"
Lisa was alone. She didn't like being alone. Being alone brought bad thoughts and worse memories. She needed someone better than her to be there with her and help her along.
She needed Cerl just like she'd needed Harry.
Bowling, without at least one friend, wasn't fun at all.
Lisa panicked and ran for the nearest building, the Bekkler Wax Museum. She managed to get inside the doors and slam them shut just as the dogs slammed into the other side. She locked it and found a wooden plank to lower across the doors, helping shut it more effectively.
She then pushed the cannons to the holes in the parapits and laying siege to the attacking dogs, who yelped and ran for it.
"HOLY SHIT, GUYS! SHE'S GOT CANNONS!"
It doesn't matter how terrifying a creature you are, when someone starts firing cannons at you, you run like hell.
Tears began running down Lisa's face as she crumpled down to the floor, holding herself, [I hate this! I'm not strong like Cerl or Kimberly! I can't deal with this like the others]
Then she heard a strange laugh in front of her. A hovering mask and two Mickey Mouse-esque gloves hovered in mid-air.
"Welcome to the Bekkler Wax Museum. I'm Norstein Bekkler. How many Silver Points would you like to spend?" the mask inquired.
Lisa pondered the question, "40."
A wax statue of her walked out of the museum.
"This is your clone. Mirror her to win a prize." Norstein Bekkler informed her.
Lisa began panicking as Statue-Lisa began break-dancing.
Later, at Alchemilla Hospital, Doctor Michael Kaufmann shook his head and turned to the group of concerned friends, "She Got Served. It's one of the worst cases I've ever seen."
Kaufmann pointed to the X-rays of Lisa's arms, "She Got Served here," legs, "here," and ribs, "and here. But by far, the worst Serving was here."
Kaufmann made a circling motion around her pelvis.
"Boy, howdy! You must really want to put to those Bekkler Statue dancers this saturday night!" Louie noted to Cerl.
Cerl shrugged, glancing at Lisa, who didn't seem to have a scratch or bruise on her, "Actually, she seems pretty all right to me..."
"I can't imagine the rage that must be building inside you. Why, it must rival your hatred of me." Cheryl said, a concerned look on her face as she patted Cerl's shoulder.
"Don't touch me, freak." Cerl responded, slapping the hand away. Cheryl didn't seem to notice. Instead, she put on her "I understand" face and sniffled, trying to hold back the tears.
"Cerl....cerlll..." Lisa moaned, before coughing weakly.
"Yeah, Lisa?" Cerl inquired.
"I don't want you to feel like you need to avenge me..." Lisa began.
"Okay, good." Cerl replied simply.
"...but I know I can't stop you... give 'em hell, Cerl... give them hell..." Lisa pleaded, before fainting.
Cerl stared at Lisa as Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger" began playing.
"Oh, goddammit!" Cerl cursed. She was a horrible dancer and now It Was On! She was going to Get Served this saturday. She walked out of the hospital with her head held low.
"At least I can whip out some of my Bling Bling." Cerl told herself, smashing the window of Kaufmann's car and ripping out the stereo before flinging it into a nearby trash can.
Cerl turned to the hospital and made a rude gesture in defiance to the enormous hospital bill she would have to pay later.
Whereas a normal wax museum would have famous presidents, actors, athletes, or even royalty, the Bekkler Wax Museum seemed to be filled with wax statues of people that were, in some way, important to Silent Hill, in a simple standing position. Lisa paused as she saw a statue of Michael Kaufmann next to one for Harry Mason.
The inscription on the plaque under Kaufmann's statue read, "Michael Kaufmann - The Great Betrayer". On Harry's plaque, it read, "Harry Mason - The Third Slayer". Both statues had non-wax knives sticking out of them. Kaufmann's had a bloody butcher knife buried between his eyes, while Harry's statue had been stabbed through the heart. But, Harry's didn't have any blood on the knife.
Lisa didn't mind what had happened to Kaufmann's statue, but as memories of the nicer man returned to her, she took offense to what they had done to Harry's statue. She reached up and pulled the knife out of Harry's statue, only to backpedal rapidly as M&Ms began pouring from the wound.
"YAY!" Lisa cheered, before whipping out a baseball bat and beating the other statues, breaking them open to reveal the tasty candy-filled centers.
(or at least, she HOPED that was candy. They certainly weren't the funny little blue pills she had to force down her mother's throat... or the dog's throat... or her little brother's or her car insurance salesman's or...)
Lisa shuddered and hurried down the hallway until she saw her own statue. The plaque on her statue read, "Lisa Garland - The". The words "Friend of God" had been scratched repeatedly and the word, "Trollop" was carved below it. Snarling angrily, she took a blowtorch to the Kaufmann statue's groin.
"AAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!" The statue screamed, before running off, clutching it's flaming melting crotch.
Lisa looked over to see that a lot of the male statues had suddenly covered their own crotches with both hands and had a distinctive wince on their faces.
Continuing on, she saw a statue for rather ugly woman named Dahlia Gillepsie, with the plaque, "Dahlia Gillespie - The Seductress"; a statue for some stripper named Maria with the plaque, "Maria - The Saint"; a half-finished statue for Angela, "Angela Orosco - The Tentacle Demon". Apparently, they hadn't gotten around to finishing up the lower half, where all the tentacles were.
(A-kun; Wait, then how was it standing there)
[Wait, Angela? I haven't seen that many tentacles since I starred in that interdimensional cross-pantheon bukkake film series back in college.] Lisa wondered, considering the inscription, [Maybe I should take her out to dinner when this is all over]
Then, she caught sight of Cerl's statue. It was at the end of the hall and was the only one that wasn't simply standing. Her statue was kneeling, clutching the back of her pants, her head lowered. Her plaque read, "Cerl Tendo Of The Burning Flatulence".
Cheryl's statue was right next to Cerl's and seemed to look down at Cerl's statue with a knowing smirk on her face. Cheryl's plaque read, "Cheryl Spaniel - The". Like on Lisa's plaque, apparently, someone didn't agree with the words "Smug Bitch", as they had scratched it out even more vigorously than they had scratched Lisa's plaque. The words "ph4t L33t g43rz" were written beneath it.
There was a service door. Lisa glanced at the entrance door she'd blocked and back at the service door. Chances were high that there were stairs on the other side. She bit her lower lip and headed for it.
"EEEEEK!!!" James Sunderland screamed, throwing sponges at both Statue Lisa and normal Lisa. Both women fled back through the door.
"I don't see why Maria was such a bitch to him. If he had that kind of package, I certainly would've forgiven him." Statue Lisa told her living counterpart.
"Yeah, but then he'd probably walk all over her." Lisa replied.
"You know, that's the trouble with figuring out how he would be in a relationship." Statue Lisa inquired.
The two sat down and discussed the issues of dating other Silent Hill characters.
=
=
=======================================================================
Well, I hope you had fun, because TharzZzie and me certainly did. I also hope that you don't mind that a lot of stories of mine seem to lose steam. I can only hope that I will one day be able to finish them.
"You know, I've never seen Laura. Kind of odd, seeing as I claim to want to protect her." - Maria "Yeah, what was up with that Bowling Alley thing? I mean, not wanting to go in one?" - Cerl "I was tramuatized by a horrific bowling accident that claimed twenty-seven and a half lives." - Maria, shuddering Cerl stared at Maria in confusion.
"'and a half'?" - Cerl - Silent Hill, Cerl Interferes
Cerl Descending Omake! - Volume 1 =================================
Since Cerl Descending has met with a resounding, "Comments N/A" for such a long time (prior to my demands on April Fool's Day, which, ironically, weren't a joke), I decided to create a bunch of omake to inspire readership or at the very F#ing least, a response.
Though I've now gotten some responses, I was too busy laughing over the ideas seen below. My good friend, TharzZzDunN also put in his comments and criticisms and helped make this as demented as it is. If you find some jokes going above and beyond Call of Duty...er, I mean THE call of duty, they're probably his or had his hand in the final editting.
A lot of the humor in this is aimed at the horror genre and will resemble more of my "Silent Hill 5: Cerl Interferes" story with insane and possibly gross humor.
Warning: You MUST have a sense of humor to read this! If you don't like some of the jokes, that's fine. Not everyone is the same on what they find funny. We do admit that we took a few jokes from other sources, too many to note here.
Additional Warning: If you haven't read all the avaiable chapters for Cerl Descending, then I've put up little guidelines to give you an idea where you should stop reading.
-Silent Hill 1-
Alessa glared at Cheryl, "I want a monster that's CUTE! And I want you to make it powerful and also a teddy bear."
Cheryl tried to imagine such a creature, [Well, I can make it two out of three]
Later, after the construction of the first Teddy Bear monster.
Alessa giggled and hugged the creature, "YAY! It's SO CUTE!"
Cheryl stared at Alessa. Then took a step back. Then another. Finally, Cheryl spun around and ran from the room.
-Chapter 1-
Embarrassed over her blunder, Cerl obediently extended her hand to the police woman, who's cold and clammy hand grabbed her wrist and lead Cerl into town. Cerl forced herself to calm down. The female officer didn't warrant danger.
"Is it always this bad?" Cerl asked.
"Hmm?" the police woman inquired.
Cerl gestured to the air, "The writing."
"Well, only when the author isn't putting any comedy into the scene." the police woman answered.
CRACKLETHOOM
"Oh, real original, A-kun." Cerl sneered, before she and Kimberly fainted from the lightning bolt.
"Letters. About thirty years or so back, a man came into town complaining about the same thing. I wasn't even born when it all happened. Turns out what happened was the biggest case in Silent Hill and Brahms history." Kimberly responded.
Cerl quirked an eyebrow, "Something bad? Cults and Drug Rings?"
"No, Carrot Top and Bahz Lehrman clone factories." Kimberly replied, "The military had to use a 'Scorched Earth' policy..."
Cerl nodded, "Reasonable."
Kimberly opened the door slowly, peeking out. She rolled her eyes and opened the door all the way, "Scraper, you and your boys git!"
The Narrator cut in, "How're them Scarab boys gonna get out this one? Let's watch."
Just then, the General Lee flew past the police station...
-Chapter 2-
Cerl began walking towards the middle stall, the sound of her own footsteps and breathing seeming rather ominous. She wondered if perhaps she was simply overreacting as she slid alongside the stall doors and gently pushed open the door.
Nothing but rust dripping from a leaky pipe. She mentally berated herself as she turned away, but her eyes chanced to flicker at the mirror.
Someone was in the stall.
"%Ain't nuthin' but a houn'dog... cryin' all the time...%"
"Elvis! So THIS is where you disappeared to..." Cerl commented, snapping her fingers in rhythm to the King's singing.
(Actually, this would explain why there have been so many "King" sightings since his passing.)
"Actually, while you're here, would you like a free check up?" Tina inquired.
Cerl looked at her curiously, "Are you all THAT bored?"
Tina smiled, "Of course, it's been at least six months since we made 'Naughty Nurses 3'... and since I haven't written to Penthouse Letters in over two weeks, they're probably starting to get worried..."
Cindy smacked Cerl upside the head. Cerl blinked.
"Sorry, reflex. She's usually on that side." Cindy apologized, before she smacked Tina upside the head.
"I... I don't have a boyfriend." Cerl replied haughtily, a blush coming to her face despite her wishes.
"Oh, I read you loud and clear..." Cindy said, nodding knowingly, "A transvestite, eh?"
Cerl suddenly made a fruity homicidal lunge at Cindy's throat...
"Are you sure this is okay? I mean, a free exam? Won't someone get angry?" Cerl asked, as she entered the room. She was getting the feeling she was doing something she shouldn't, but something in the air kept her from panicking like she had back at the police station. She was beginning to feel a bit cotton-headed.
Then, Cerl remembered that she'd left the Q-tips in her ears and pulled them out.
She was naked, no surprise there. Cerl sat up and instantly regretted the action. She glanced around the room and groaned as she looked at nearby calendar, which read the 7th of April.
"Not the Danish Lesbian Pirates AGAIN!" Cerl moaned, looking at the other six naked women around her, "That's like, the fifth time this month!"
She crept down the corridor and glanced outside, wondering what direction the window faced and noticed something entirely else.
The town was like a nightmarish hell.
Teletubby and Barney merchandise littered every store window, kids actually thought Beyblade was cool, and the "no-violence, sex, language, violet language, sexual language or freedom of speech" supporters were running around slapping hands with rulers whenever someone thought something naughty or when someone mentioned Pokemon.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Cerl screamed, then proceeded to kill herself rather than allow herself to live in a world where the ultra-conservatives weren't thought of as enormous idiots for trying to get the government to regulate such things.
Then a foot slammed into her back, driving her to the ground. Cerl turned her head to try and see what was behind her. The sight of loose pants held up by thin suspenders, the black boots, military officer-esque hat, the whip and black gloves entered her field of vision, as did the short red hair and the curvy female body.
"You've been such a naughty girl, darling." Chocolate Misu purred.
"You're not even from this dimension!" Cerl protested, pointing an accusatory finger at the dominatrix-esque Sorcerer Hunter.
"Like that'll really stop me." Chocolate said, grinning naughtily.
Cerl looked at the author with puppy-dog eyes, "Scene change, please?"
"Hmmmmm.....naaaahhh." A-kun answered.
"YOU #$$#-" Cerl began, only to be cut off as Chocolate whipped out the ballgag, lederhosen, and box of Lucky Charms.
-Chapter 3-
"Your eyes opened a number of times, but you didn't respond to anything I said." Kimberly answered.
"....whatever." Cerl said, impersonating Squall, the whiny loser of a protagonist from Final Fantasy 8.
"DON'T SASS ME!" Kimberly snapped, bitch-slapping Cerl.
"Spaniel is apparently still working with the cult. She made some sort of deal in order to carry out her horrible experiments. When she reappeared last year, she looked to be in her mid-twenties, which should have been impossible if she were the same person. Besides that, just about everyone had forgotten about her." Kimberly began, "until, that is, the yearly police cookout."
"You mean..." Cerl gasped.
"That's right. She gave everyone diarrhea with her undercooked hotdog surprise." Kimberly replied.
"THAT FIEND!" Cerl snarled.
Kimberly closed her eyes and sighed, before opening her eyes again, "As near as I can figure, this ISN'T Reno."
Cerl rolled her eyes, "Duh. It's OBVIOUSLY New Orleans."
Kimberly snorted, "Don't be stupid. This can only be the dirtiest place in the entire world. And that place is-"
WE INTERUPT THIS LINE OF DIALOGUE TO CUT THIS ENTIRE JOKE SHORT.
"...sauce covering my whole body.... and the chicken...oooohh and the chicken....." Kimberly moaned into the drive-through speakers, stroking herself erotically.
"Okay, ma'am, please pull around." the Burger King order taker, Dane Cook, replied, before turning to the zombies behind him, "SOMEBODY GET ME SOME SAUCE, NOW! COME ON! SHE WANTS IT HER WAY!"
Back at the police station, Cerl drummed her fingers on a table in utter boredom, "I knew I should've gone with her."
(Watch "Comedy Central Presents" more, you heathens)
"Darn it, Scraper, I told you to stay out of sight until I had time to explain."
Cerl stared at Kimberly, "You're talking to a giant dildo?"
"When I got here, I found I could understand them. I managed to create a rapport with them. They aren't much and they can't hurt any of Cheryl's minions effectively, but they're a huge help in finding passages and such in this city. They also saved your life." Kimberly explained.
".........." Cerl answered, staring at Kimberly.
As if on cue, "Scraper" began buzzing, slowly moving around on the desk.
"......................" Cerl enunciated.
"They're really quite helpful once you get used to them." Kimberly said.
"............................................" Cerl concluded.
"Don't be ridiculous. Pyramid Head missed your organs-" Kimberly began, before glancing left and right conspiratorially, "Not that I know what he's called."
Just then, Kimberly caught sight of a small Welsh Corgi in a nearby window who glared meaningfully at her. Kimberly turned pale and began sweating profusely.
"NINJA TURTLE BUTT-PLUGS!" Kimberly cried.
Cerl stared at her, "ANNNNY-whoooo..."
(A Welsh Corgi is the closest thing to the dog in the Dog Ending of Silent Hill 2 that I could think of. I could probably find the exact breed, but I don't wanna.)
Cerl grumbled, "Just my luck. By the way, did Scraper see what happened to Nurse Lisa?"
Kimberly blinked, "Uh, there isn't anyone named Lisa working at the hospital."
"That's impossible, she and I were in the three-legged race together. She couldn't have gone far if I still have hers." Cerl said, holding up a severed leg.
"EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW!!" Kimberly "EEEEWWWWW!"ed.
The blonde police woman was there, looking very much like she had the last time, blood still covering half of her face.
"Hi... I'm Cerl. What's your name?" Cerl asked, trying hard to keep her panic down.
Rust formed on the mirror, forming a name on the mirror: Cybil Bennett. The words faded slower than they appeared.
"Nice to meet you, Cybil. Listen, I need to know some things."
Cerl began, relieved that the ghost was feeling talkative.
More writing appeared on the wall: Like what/
"Do you know Doctor Cheryl Spaniel?" Cerl asked.
No/
"Damn." Cerl murmurred, "How did you come to haunt this place?"
Bad hot dogs/
"........" Cerl struggled to continue thinking in the face of such a preposterous notion, "Then what about the blood?"
It's ketchup. Damn stuff's dried there/
"BUT YOU'RE A GHOST." Cerl demanded.
I know, I can't figure it out either.
-Chapter 4-
Then, Cerl caught sight of what was behind Tina.
"Vincent Price..." Lisa whispered, her eyes wide with fear and panic.
"NYAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Vincent Price laughed.
Lisa screamed and ran as quickly as she could away from Vincent Price, who chased after her, leaving Pyramid Head and Cerl to stare after them.
"Isn't he dead?" Cerl inquired.
Pyramid Head somehow frowned, "You thought Silent Hill had limits? Besides, all we have to do is jiggle some of the wires in this wall and POOF, he's back!"
Cerl was about to fire when she sensed something behind her. She spun and managed to catch Pyramid Head's spear with her left hand and shove the tip away from her. She hissed as her hand felt burned from the effort.
Then, she got a good look at Pyramid Head, who had a red clown nose on the tip of his "face". She snerked, then giggled, then fell over laughing.
"CUT!" the director yelled.
Cerl was about to fire when she sensed something behind her. She spun and managed to catch Pyramid Head's spear with her left hand and shove the tip away from her. She hissed as her hand felt burned from the effort.
Then, she got a good look at Pyramid Head, who had replaced his scary mask for an orange traffic cone. Cerl began laughing again.
"CUT! MAKE UP!" the director yelled.
Then, she got a good look at Pyramid Head, who had replaced his scary mask for a lampshade. Cerl began laughing again.
"DAMMIT!" the director
Cerl twitched, fear filling her.
....join/
Cerl's body jerked, as if electrocuted, as a chill ran down her spine.
....you trust Friend Computer, don't you/
Cerl burst awake in a cold sweat, "I never knew playing Paranoia would affect my dreams like this!"
Cerl walked into the bathroom, splashed some water on her face, then looked up at the mirror to see a badly shaven man in the reflection.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Cerl screamed.
"OOOOHHHHHH!" the man replied.
"No, no, it's 'AH', like at the back of the throat. AAAAaahh." Cerl instructed.
"Oh, terribly sorry. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" the man screamed.
"Much better." Cerl declared, smiling.
Cerl burst awake in a cold sweat. Shaking her head, she pulled on her 3WA bathrobe and walked out in the living room, "Hey, Kei, Yuri, Mughi."
Kei and Yuri replied, "Hey, Shasti."
Cerl looked up to see that not only was she no longer in the hospital, but in an apartment and there were two women nearby, both of whom Cerl recognized.
"Hey, this is Silent Hill! You're not allowed here!" Cerl growled, glaring at both Princess Toadstool and Tifa Lockheart, both of whom were lounging in wet, clingy, nearly transparent-white bikinis.
"Hey, we were paid to be here." Tifa answered.
"Unlike you." Princess Toadstool added.
Cerl whimpered, her eyes watering and her bottom lip quivering, "That's just cruel..."
Cerl entered the antiques shop. Apparently, it had been emptied before the fire, leaving only a busted grandfather clock, a dirty and torn up couch and a gaping hole next to the clock. Cerl entered the hole and quickly discovered a once-hidden chamber that had a black and crispy altar and a brand-new high-tech tube, the kind that were so prevalent in sci-fi movies for making monsters or holding people, filled with mysterious golden goo.
[So, she's trying to fuse sausage and bacon. But something went wrong. In any case, I better make sure she can't use this place again.] Cerl thought.
"CUT!" the director yelled.
About an hour of searching the backalleys, Cerl finally found her way to the Heaven's Night strip club.
"Finally! Time to get my Fanservice on!" Cerl declared.
"So, just about nothing." Cerl deadpanned, inwardly frustrated. Then again, with the time distortion, the chances of anyone useful appearing in the town in time to help were minimal.
Melissa looked a bit upset, but nodded in agreement, "Yes, we've already seen some really horrible things. Ghastly things that shouldn't be..."
Louie looked uncomfortable, as Melissa began trembling, her eyes losing focus.
"It was just a titty bar." Laura scoffed.
"PRUDE!" Cerl and Angela yelled in unison.
With that said, Cerl headed back into the armory, Louie following closely behind her.
"You can't go by yourself." Louie commented, "It's too dangerous."
"I've already run into most of the big-time monsters in this place and come away alive. I might not win in a straight-up fight, but I think I can do better than most of you. I've got more martial arts and live firearms experience than all of you combined, and I've got the best idea as to where Cheryl might be. If I can take her out, I'm fairly certain that Sammael will lose his last connection to this world and everything SHOULD go back to normal." Cerl explained.
"Just because you're a Level 3 Gunner and a Level 4 Monk..." Melissa grumbled.
"I'd be higher, but I need to find an expert to train me." Cerl answered.
-Chapter 5-
"What the blue hell were those things?!" Angela asked, a look of horror and disgust on her face.
"That was Scraper and his friends. They've helped me survive countless times in this hellhole." Kimberly replied, taking offense to Angela's digust.
Fifty scarab beetles skittered out the second time, depositing thirty clips of handgun ammunition and twenty boxes of assorted shells for the shotguns and the rifles.
Louie was the first to recover as he bent down to pick up another handgun, "Well, they are helpful."
A final one skittered out and deposited a large pink dildo.
The group exchanged glances. Finally, a blush firmly on her face, Melissa knelt down to pick it up and tried to hand it to Louie.
"Hey, it's yours, not mine..." Louie began.
"HOLD ONTO IT!" Melissa growled.
"Holding..." Louie whimpered, taking the wang-shaped item and tucking into his coat.
-Chapter 6-
Laura watched Cerl lean heavily against a wall in the last alleyway to the Amusement Park. Ever since they'd left the police station, Cerl had begun sweating and breathing as if she were exhuasting herself. This was the second break they'd been forced to take. The once strong and proud blonde woman was looking rather pale as well.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Laura pressed.
"I'm... I'm fine." Cerl answered, turning to face her, her knees quivering as if they might give out at any moment. She clutched at her left side.
PPPPPPPRRRRRRBBBTTTT
"You just HAD to have Taco Bell, didn't you?" Laura asked, shaking her head.
"But it was two for one on the chimichongas!" Cerl whimpered, before letting loose with a ten second burst of flatulence.
"We'll have cancel the Cotillion." Lisa declared with the accent of a southern belle.
"Take off your shirt." Laura demanded.
Cerl looked confused for a second, then haughtily answered, "No."
"Yes! We paid for it! DO IT!" Laura growled.
Cerl sighed. Becoming an exotic dancer wasn't the best idea Nabiki had come up with, but it was better than the Tendo Dojo-Soapland merger that Kasumi had suggested or the Tendo Dojo-Goth Coffeehouse & Stripclub idea Ranma had come up with. Or even Nodoka's idea for a Bukkake Salon.
TharzZzDunN: How about- [CENSORED DUE TO DISTURBING IMAGERY INVOLVING FARM ANIMALS, VEGETABLES IN INAPPROPRIATE PLACES ON WOMEN, THE OLSEN TWINS AND IMPLIED VESTIALITY]
A-kun: No.
T-kun: Dammit, I'm an artist! I need appreciation! No one liked my idea for a Dragonball Z Character who's a furry and is the only male character that isn't gay! He has no super powers and goes into accounting! I'm gonna bend over now, so all you brontasaurs out there, this one's for you...
"Don't 'what' me. You're a nurse and she's hurt. Do the math! We're going to help her, whether she wants us to or not." Laura retorted.
"But I honestly don't think that there's a medical condition that involves throwing rotten lemons and stones at Bahz Lehrman." Lisa replied.
"Who cares! We're going to pioneer new medical research! Now, grab your sack of lemons! She's not hurting him enough!" Laura said.
"Are you done yet?" Cerl asked angrily, shoving her shirt back into place.
"My, aren't we bitchy? Look, I just put in the fudge into the microwave, so you'll just have to wait." Laura replied, licking her whip as she drove her three inch stilletto heels into Cerl's back, before tugging her latex dominatrix outfit back into place. Her breasts kept popping out.
"At least I retained my dignity." Lisa snidely remarked from where she was hanging upside-down wearing a clownsuit.
"No, and I don't care. It's not bleeding, so let's just go. We have to check the amusement park." Cerl replied, wiping her face off with her shirt.
"Dammit, Cerl! You'll just have to wait until next time to ride The Pirates of the Carribean!" Lisa snapped.
"But, I wanna riiiiide!" Cerl wailed, tears pouring from her eyes.
The noise of something metal being dragged along cement began to reach their ears. They glanced back the way they came, the ever-annoying fog interfering with their line of sight. However, the instant Barney the Purple Dinosaur's distinctive form appeared, they turned and ran the other way.
"Huh-huh-huh-huh-HI KIDS! Today, we're going to learn about evisceration!" Barney, the psychotic dinosaur, laughed, dragging Pyramid Head's Great Knife in his right hand and Pyramid Head's mutilated body in his left.
No sooner had the three entered than the gates slammed shut behind them and a strong wind blew a much thicker fog over them. Cerl could barely see her feet, let alone the other two girls.
Cerl growled, "Goddamn, meat processing plants!"
"Lisa? Laura?" Cerl inquired, moving over to where the two should have been. The fog slowly faded away, allowing Cerl a clear view of the entire area after a minute. There was no sign of Lisa or Laura and no sign of their footprints either.
There was, however, a plethora of people in bad cosplay outfits for Lisa, Laura, Sailor Moon and Yuna from Final Fantasy X. Cerl just shook her head in disgust at the large number of hairy men trying to act like the famous characters.
Cerl drew her pistols and filled the area with gunfire the instant one of the Sailor Moon men tried to do a panty flash.
This time, the girl that formed out of the smoke didn't look like the first two. The girl looked a bit older than the second one, had messy blonde hair, wore a yellow shirt underneath a white survival vest, jean shorts, black boots, and much more of her face was covered in blood. She was also wielding a steel pipe. Unlike her two dumber sisters, though, she leapt into the carousel for cover.
Laura growled, slinging her shotgun and rifle onto her back again and drawing her pistol. She didn't like close combat in such a confined space with such a weak weapon, but the other girl wasn't going to be easy to hit from outside the carousel and her larger guns weren't as maneuverable.
Laura entered the carousel and managed to duck the swipe of the steel pipe. She grabbed the pipe and pulled out the one weapon that would strike fear into the blonde girl.
A toothbrush.
"Girl, those are some NASTY cigarette stains on your teeth." Laura told the blonde girl.
The blonde girl sniffled, tears in her eyes, "Why do you always say things that you know will hurt me?"
Instead, the smoke divided into three and entered the bodies of the three girls, all of whom began glowing red. Laura unslung her shotgun as the trio rose once more, fear filling her as all the wounds she'd inflicted on all three closed up as if they'd never happened. The only that indicated that they'd been shot were the holes in their clothing.
Laura dove for cover behind one of the carousel horses as the weapons all three were carrying transformed into submachine guns. The trio raised their guns and began firing wildly at her.
Luckily for Laura, she had a secret weapon in her pocket. She pulled it out and popped one in her mouth before standing up and shooting all three girls, all of whom returned fire. As they laid bleeding on the ground, the trio stared in disbelief as Laura didn't even have a scratch on her. She held up a tube of breath fresheners that read, "Mentos."
The three dying girls smiled and shook their heads, before falling limp. Laura gave the camera a thumbs up.
"Mentos - The Fresh Maker"
As it turned out, the mansion wasn't too far away. It looked like a real mansion, save for the fact that there were wooden overhangs for each window with the words "Borley Haunted Mansion" painted on each one. Roughly half of them had their paint worn away so that the lettering was faint or smeared.
She kicked open the door with both her handguns drawn. Inside, several monsters and Cheryl dove for cover, scattering their playing cards and poker chips everywhere.
"What the- sorry! Didn't mean to scare you..." Cerl apologized.
Then, Cerl caught sight of something, "By the way, Cheryl's got an Ace of Spades up her sleeve."
"DIE, CHEATER!" the monsters cried.
"Huh, and I didn't even have to lift a finger." Cerl commented as the monsters began dismembering Cheryl.
The next room was a personal movie theater, with a movie projector at the back of the room with a film loaded and prepared. Cerl frowned. As she entered the room, closing the door behind her, she took in every possible attack venue and found none, save for the door on the other side of the room and the door she'd just come through. A monster would have to burst through the walls or ceiling in order to attack before she could retaliate.
When she was a foot away from the projector, it suddenly jumped to life, displaying a film on the movie screen.
"-ahaaaaahn!"
Cerl's attention was drawn to the screen where she saw herself in a very suggestive position.
"No, Ranma-hime-sama! Don't use the whip cream there! aAAAAaaaaAAaaaaaAAAAH!"
Cerl's face turned red, "NABIKI TOLD ME THAT CAMERA WASN'T CONNECTED TO THAT COMPUTER!!"
Alternate end line #1: "SHE SAID SHE ERASED THAT TAPE!"
Alternate end line #2: "I JUST NEEDED THE MONEY! AND WHY AM I JUSTIFYING MYSELF TO NO ONE?!!"
Lisa was alone. She didn't like being alone. Being alone brought bad thoughts and worse memories. She needed someone better than her to be there with her and help her along.
She needed Cerl just like she'd needed Harry.
Bowling, without at least one friend, wasn't fun at all.
Lisa panicked and ran for the nearest building, the Bekkler Wax Museum. She managed to get inside the doors and slam them shut just as the dogs slammed into the other side. She locked it and found a wooden plank to lower across the doors, helping shut it more effectively.
She then pushed the cannons to the holes in the parapits and laying siege to the attacking dogs, who yelped and ran for it.
"HOLY SHIT, GUYS! SHE'S GOT CANNONS!"
It doesn't matter how terrifying a creature you are, when someone starts firing cannons at you, you run like hell.
Tears began running down Lisa's face as she crumpled down to the floor, holding herself, [I hate this! I'm not strong like Cerl or Kimberly! I can't deal with this like the others]
Then she heard a strange laugh in front of her. A hovering mask and two Mickey Mouse-esque gloves hovered in mid-air.
"Welcome to the Bekkler Wax Museum. I'm Norstein Bekkler. How many Silver Points would you like to spend?" the mask inquired.
Lisa pondered the question, "40."
A wax statue of her walked out of the museum.
"This is your clone. Mirror her to win a prize." Norstein Bekkler informed her.
Lisa began panicking as Statue-Lisa began break-dancing.
Later, at Alchemilla Hospital, Doctor Michael Kaufmann shook his head and turned to the group of concerned friends, "She Got Served. It's one of the worst cases I've ever seen."
Kaufmann pointed to the X-rays of Lisa's arms, "She Got Served here," legs, "here," and ribs, "and here. But by far, the worst Serving was here."
Kaufmann made a circling motion around her pelvis.
"Boy, howdy! You must really want to put to those Bekkler Statue dancers this saturday night!" Louie noted to Cerl.
Cerl shrugged, glancing at Lisa, who didn't seem to have a scratch or bruise on her, "Actually, she seems pretty all right to me..."
"I can't imagine the rage that must be building inside you. Why, it must rival your hatred of me." Cheryl said, a concerned look on her face as she patted Cerl's shoulder.
"Don't touch me, freak." Cerl responded, slapping the hand away. Cheryl didn't seem to notice. Instead, she put on her "I understand" face and sniffled, trying to hold back the tears.
"Cerl....cerlll..." Lisa moaned, before coughing weakly.
"Yeah, Lisa?" Cerl inquired.
"I don't want you to feel like you need to avenge me..." Lisa began.
"Okay, good." Cerl replied simply.
"...but I know I can't stop you... give 'em hell, Cerl... give them hell..." Lisa pleaded, before fainting.
Cerl stared at Lisa as Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger" began playing.
"Oh, goddammit!" Cerl cursed. She was a horrible dancer and now It Was On! She was going to Get Served this saturday. She walked out of the hospital with her head held low.
"At least I can whip out some of my Bling Bling." Cerl told herself, smashing the window of Kaufmann's car and ripping out the stereo before flinging it into a nearby trash can.
Cerl turned to the hospital and made a rude gesture in defiance to the enormous hospital bill she would have to pay later.
Whereas a normal wax museum would have famous presidents, actors, athletes, or even royalty, the Bekkler Wax Museum seemed to be filled with wax statues of people that were, in some way, important to Silent Hill, in a simple standing position. Lisa paused as she saw a statue of Michael Kaufmann next to one for Harry Mason.
The inscription on the plaque under Kaufmann's statue read, "Michael Kaufmann - The Great Betrayer". On Harry's plaque, it read, "Harry Mason - The Third Slayer". Both statues had non-wax knives sticking out of them. Kaufmann's had a bloody butcher knife buried between his eyes, while Harry's statue had been stabbed through the heart. But, Harry's didn't have any blood on the knife.
Lisa didn't mind what had happened to Kaufmann's statue, but as memories of the nicer man returned to her, she took offense to what they had done to Harry's statue. She reached up and pulled the knife out of Harry's statue, only to backpedal rapidly as M&Ms began pouring from the wound.
"YAY!" Lisa cheered, before whipping out a baseball bat and beating the other statues, breaking them open to reveal the tasty candy-filled centers.
(or at least, she HOPED that was candy. They certainly weren't the funny little blue pills she had to force down her mother's throat... or the dog's throat... or her little brother's or her car insurance salesman's or...)
Lisa shuddered and hurried down the hallway until she saw her own statue. The plaque on her statue read, "Lisa Garland - The". The words "Friend of God" had been scratched repeatedly and the word, "Trollop" was carved below it. Snarling angrily, she took a blowtorch to the Kaufmann statue's groin.
"AAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!" The statue screamed, before running off, clutching it's flaming melting crotch.
Lisa looked over to see that a lot of the male statues had suddenly covered their own crotches with both hands and had a distinctive wince on their faces.
Continuing on, she saw a statue for rather ugly woman named Dahlia Gillepsie, with the plaque, "Dahlia Gillespie - The Seductress"; a statue for some stripper named Maria with the plaque, "Maria - The Saint"; a half-finished statue for Angela, "Angela Orosco - The Tentacle Demon". Apparently, they hadn't gotten around to finishing up the lower half, where all the tentacles were.
(A-kun; Wait, then how was it standing there)
[Wait, Angela? I haven't seen that many tentacles since I starred in that interdimensional cross-pantheon bukkake film series back in college.] Lisa wondered, considering the inscription, [Maybe I should take her out to dinner when this is all over]
Then, she caught sight of Cerl's statue. It was at the end of the hall and was the only one that wasn't simply standing. Her statue was kneeling, clutching the back of her pants, her head lowered. Her plaque read, "Cerl Tendo Of The Burning Flatulence".
Cheryl's statue was right next to Cerl's and seemed to look down at Cerl's statue with a knowing smirk on her face. Cheryl's plaque read, "Cheryl Spaniel - The". Like on Lisa's plaque, apparently, someone didn't agree with the words "Smug Bitch", as they had scratched it out even more vigorously than they had scratched Lisa's plaque. The words "ph4t L33t g43rz" were written beneath it.
There was a service door. Lisa glanced at the entrance door she'd blocked and back at the service door. Chances were high that there were stairs on the other side. She bit her lower lip and headed for it.
"EEEEEK!!!" James Sunderland screamed, throwing sponges at both Statue Lisa and normal Lisa. Both women fled back through the door.
"I don't see why Maria was such a bitch to him. If he had that kind of package, I certainly would've forgiven him." Statue Lisa told her living counterpart.
"Yeah, but then he'd probably walk all over her." Lisa replied.
"You know, that's the trouble with figuring out how he would be in a relationship." Statue Lisa inquired.
The two sat down and discussed the issues of dating other Silent Hill characters.
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Well, I hope you had fun, because TharzZzie and me certainly did. I also hope that you don't mind that a lot of stories of mine seem to lose steam. I can only hope that I will one day be able to finish them.