Hey! This is my first time posting something on this site, so I would appreciate a comment.
I got this idea while ago...after mourning Sirius's death, I felt bad for Harry...and when I remembered about Remus, I felt even worse. I hope I did this justice.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. If I did, let me tell you, you would be afraid. Very afraid. =)
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C'mon Moony, let's go outside...
I can't, it's too soon...
What are you talking about? The sun is shining, the birds are singing-
That's not it.
The moon isn't due for another week.
Why are you asking me?
Because you're my friend.
But you're gone...
Remus Lupin drew in a shaky breath. He had to stop these hallucinations, these ersatz conversations he held, reliving his memories...He leaned forward in the leather armchair, closer to the fire in front of him.
He's gone, he's not coming back, you're alone now, he told himself angrily, hitting his forehead lightly with his palm. He's not going to just come up out of thin air and make sure everything is all right again.
Looking up, he stared into the dancing flames, cheerily filling the room with warmth, oblivious to the fact that the man watching them felt as cold as ice.
I'm hungry, Remus. Want to sneak into Hogsmeade and get us some butterbeer?
He heard his stomach growl. That wasn't his head talking, it was his hunger. Remus shook his head; he didn't have much of an appetite.
You've got to eat, you aren't going to heal any faster if you don't.
Remus frowned. What did he know about healing?
I know it takes time.
Great, now he was answering himself again. Remus leaned back into the chair, sighing. Stop talking to yourself, it isn't healthy. People are going to start thinking that you've finally crossed the line into insanity.
Took you long enough.
Shut up, you're crazy enough for the both of us.
You know as well as I do that I can't help that.
Yes you can, you could have done so much to stop-
To stop what? The inevitable?
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BE SO STUPID AS TO DIE!
Remus let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Gasping for air, he tried to forget what he almost remembered. He didn't want to remember, he wanted it to go away, to leave him alone...
I can't leave you Moony, you know that.
Leave me alone.
No, I won't leave you when you need me the most-
You left me already.
Why won't it go away...I'm tired of losing people, of suffering, of grief...He clutched his head, which was beginning to ache and spin. Why couldn't he just accept it?
'Sirius...' he whispered softly.
He hadn't said his name in days, weeks, maybe. He didn't want to remember his friend, to have the pain rush back...
Why are you crying?
Leave me alone.
I told you already, I'm not leaving you. Now tell me what's wrong?
Let me forget you...
His throat burned painfully as he tried to swallow the tears, but they kept on coming, streaming down his cheeks. He hadn't felt like this since...
Since James.
Remus's chest throbbed painfully, each heartbeat worsening the emotional condition he was in. 'I'm alone now, everyone is gone, everything I touch dies...'
That's not true.
Look at me! I should be the one dead, not you! Not James! Not Lily!
That wasn't your fault, it was-
Stop trying to comfort me, I don't deserve it.
'Why...why can't you let up on me?' he cried softly, speaking to nothing and everything. 'Why must you keep punishing me? I know I'm damned already, you don't have to rub it in.'
Remus...
Why? Why did you have to leave me?
He let out a choked sob. 'Why did you and James leave me? I'm all alone now, I don't have anyone, my best friends are dead...'
Moony, we're right here with you. We never left you.
Yes you did, you're gone, you've gone and killed yourself-
Hey, hey, hey! I'm not THAT stupid. I didn't kill myself, I just sort of...fell.
Remus snorted despite his tears. Even in his imagination, Sirius didn't like to admit to his faults.
Wait, what was he saying? Here he was, talking to himself again...Why was he haunting him? Why couldn't he chose to suffer in peace?
Because I care.
He buried his face in his hands.
'Sirius...' His shoulders shook. 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...'
Why are you apologizing?
'I shouldn't have suspected you for so long, I should have known you weren't guilty, I should have tried to help you...'
Hey, don't beat yourself up about that. We forgave each other a long time ago.
'I should have saved you, jumped in front of that spell, distracted her, pushed you, something...'
That wasn't your fault either; there was nothing you could do.
'I shouldn't have just watched you die...'
Sirius stopped answering him; or rather, the voice in his head claiming to Sirius stopped answering him. He wept, hoping to cleanse his sins with his tears, the tears held in since that fateful day...
After awhile, he stopped, exhausted, drained; Remus took a few cleansing breaths to stop the trembling caused by his cries.
Feel better?
Shut up.
Now, now, it takes a big man to cry like that.
You're just flattered that it was over you.
Yea, well...
Remus smiled a little, imagining the grin threatening to creep across his old friend's face. 'Never one to take a compliment humbly...'
You just didn't take 'em.
Remus sighed. He had been down here too long; someone would start to worry.
'Lupin!'
See, I told you you weren't alone.
Remus actually managed a grin. 'You always had to be right...'
Well yes, I AM Sirius Black, you know.
'Lupin!' Remus recognized the voice; it was Harry.
Now get out of this room and live your life. I didn't die just so you could sit here pretending to talk to me.
Even his memory scolded him. Remus shook his head, trying to drive the voice out of his head.
'Fine, fine, fine...'
'Lupin?' Harry entered the room, looking rather flustered.
'Yes, Harry?'
'Um...were you, er, talking to someone?' asked Harry, looking around the room.
Remus repressed a groan and instead smiled at the son and godson of his best friends.
'Not anymore...they left already.'
Harry's eyes settled on the fire, and a look of dawning comprehension crossed his face. He turned to Remus. 'Do you want me to leave?'
'No, no...' Remus stood up and crossed the room. 'That's quite all right.' He gave Harry a concerned look. 'Are you all right?'
He looked away, drawing on the floor with his shoe. 'Yea, I just...I mean...'
Remus's face softened. 'Do you want to talk about...?'
'No!' Harry said a little too loudly, looking up, his eyes wide. 'I mean...' He looked back down.
Remus put a hand on the boy's shoulder. 'You miss him, don't you?'
There was a pause, then, 'Yes...'
He kneeled down and looked into Harry's eyes.
'Harry...It's okay to miss him, it's okay to be sad...' He noticed that Harry's shoulders were starting to shake. It pained Remus to see Harry cry over Sirius, but at the same time, it reminded him that he wasn't alone.
'I miss him too,' said Remus in a strangled voice.
Harry looked up, a tear running down his cheek. Without a word, he walked into Remus, enveloping him in a hug.
As Harry cried, Remus suddenly felt better. It meant that despite what he thought, he wasn't the only one hurting, the only one shedding tears for his deceased friend. Harry was about as alone as he was right now, and Remus was sure he needed company as badly as he did.
'If you ever need to talk...' he said softly.
Harry nodded but didn't answer, tightening his grip on Remus's jacket.
When he finally let go, both of them had blood-shot eyes but small smiles.
'Thank you Lupin,' said Harry softy. 'Sirius was really lucky to have a friend like you.'
Remus swallowed the lump in his throat, not knowing what to say as Harry left the room.
He's right...I was lucky.