A/N: So my brittana feel are through the roof right now so I thought I'd write a little something.
Do you remember...
I remember kindergarten and being the blonde bubbly child who was always smiling and playing. But here's the catch. I didn't have any friends. Everyone thought I was weird –that I was stupid.
Not you.
You spotted me that one recess with clumps of mud in my hair and all over my kitten t-shirt. You were scowling as you made your way over to me. I will admit I was frightened. I thought you would push me back down until there was more mud on my pants and on my face. Until I was level with all the dirt and I was where the rest of the world thought I should be.
I didn't expect what you did.
The scowl vanished into thin air as if I had imagined it had ever been there to begin with. You bent down to me and carefully grasped my hands, ensuring a tight grip was made before steadily helping me back to my feet.
I smiled my thanks and you whispered a soft, 'Are you okay?'
None of the kids here ever asked me that. All they did was laugh every time I was pushed over or bumped into spilling something.
They laughed and laughed and laughed.
I was just a big joke to them.
But not to you.
'Yeah, I'm okay'.
/
We were inseparable. You and I.
We made sure that we tried to see each other at least once a day, every day. Sometimes we couldn't, it just wasn't possible. But those days we made up for it with sleepovers under pillow forts in each other's living rooms.
We'd stay up for as long as our young bodies could cope telling stories and making shadow puppets on the sheet walls.
We'd tell each other secrets and whisper in each other's ears all the things we loved about the other.
At the age of seven I told you that I loved your thick black hair and the brown of your eyes. I told you I loved your laugh and the smile you always try to hold back. I told you I loved your tanned skin and was jealous I couldn't have the same.
I told you that you were my best friend forever and ever.
You smiled. I remember it clearly. Your dimples showed and your eyes sparkled as you held out your little finger and asked me, 'Forever and ever? 'Cause that's a long time Britt-Britt'.
And as I twisted my own finger around yours and squeezed tight I told you 'You can't break a pinky promise Santana'.
/
At twelve I helped my dad build a tree house in my backyard. I passed him planks of wood and nails for hours on end, even helping him nail them in place every now and then.
Sweat was dripping from my body but I didn't care. I had a smile on my face and the excitement buzzed through my veins. I felt like I was running on an endless supply of energy and it felt great.
It took a week to complete it and to have all the necessities inside the door. On the last tree house construction day I remember hauling all of the old blankets and pillows out of the linen closet and throwing them over my shoulder as I climbed the ladder leading up into the tree. I made sure the interior was amazing.
There was a colourful rug laid out on the wooden floor and long pink curtains hanging messily from the top of the window sill. I had both of our favourite bean bags tucked closely together in the corner and a pile of blankets and pillows thrown together in a heap against the wall –they came in handy for future uses. There was a little table which sat nicely in the middle of the room, there were posters and some clean empty places upon the wooden walls where we could paint and draw to our hearts content.
I had already made the first markings –each letter a different colour of the rainbow –'B+S=BF4EVA'
/
Friday nights we had always made our sleepover night –unless it wasn't possible and we had to postpone until Saturday. But the day was Friday and I had been tugging you behind me while you had a scarf tied over your eyes so you couldn't see.
You hadn't seen the tree house before and you hadn't known we were even making it so when I told you to start climbing the ladder I just knew by the smile that instantly formed, that your eyes would have been gleaming with excitement below the black wool. You knew what this was, you had no doubt in your mind.
Which made me smile.
But I guess at the time the excitement had clouded my mind and my judgement because trying to get you to climb the ladder blindfolded wasn't too bright of an idea.
I remember hearing you let out a little yelp and the thud which followed as you exhaled a short breath. I asked if you were okay and you told me, 'I think I broke my butt'.
I had to crack a smile because you sounded so serious but there was a playful smile adorning your face. Laughter followed steadily.
I got you inside eventually without having to remove the scarf blinding your sight. It was a slow and tedious effort but we both got there eventually and it was so worth the wait when you smiled so big I thought your lips were going to split.
I had been right, your eyes were shining with pure happiness.
One of the main reasons I asked my dad if we could build the tree house was because you had once told me you'd never been in one or known anybody who had one in their backyard. I didn't understand how anybody could go so long without that opportunity. So I decided to change that because if I could choose any tree house in the entire world for you to visit first, I'd want it to be mine.
We stayed in the tree that night –snuggled up in the mountain I'd created earlier. There was no longer a need for living room forts when we had this house all to ourselves. It was ours and it always would be.
I remember telling silly tales of loch ness monsters, big foot and little munchkins and as the night grew quite I whispered into the air 'Is it bruised? I'm sorry if it is 'cause I don't think I can kiss your butt better'.
You just laughed but it wasn't like how everybody else laughed when I said something silly. I knew for a fact that you always saw sense in the words I said –maybe that's why we were such good best friends. We understood each other.
'It might be bruised Britt. I can't really tell, but its okay, you don't have to kiss my butt', you smirked at me and I just ducked my head trying to hide the pink travelling quickly across the skin on my cheeks.
'I could still make it better though', I remember you pulled that cute little face you make when you're confused –your eyebrows scrunch up a little and your lips turn up at one corner as your head tilts to the side –you study me. I should feel uncomfortable with that but I never have.
'How could –', my parents always used to tell me that if you wait too long the opportunity will be missed. I never wanted that to happen. Not then, not with Santana just across from me.
I was nervous but buzzed with a new kind of excitement.
So before you could finish your words I had cut you off effortlessly as I leant forward with my eyes closed and pressed my lips lightly to yours. It was soft and right. It was perfect and I couldn't have asked for a greater first kiss.
You were as still as a statue but you didn't pull away. But when I did I could practically feel the heat radiating from your cheeks, they were so rosy. Latina's don't blush –myth busted.
/
In freshman year we were the little fish in the big pond, or maybe it was an ocean. It was so big and vast that I found it so difficult just to get from class A to class B every day. But just like the many years previous, you, Santana, stood so confidently by my side. You were my rock and my protector and I will be forever grateful of the service you did without me even asking.
You watched my back. I couldn't even count the amount of times you stopped the bitchy Cheerios who were older than us from dumping their slushies over my head. Or how many predatory douche bags you turned away from me throughout the years. Yes –I may have made it seem that there was no point to it the following years, with all the notches scratched into my bed post but I appreciated it more than you would know.
We stuck together even when the pressures of high school started to eat away at our sanity and the rise to the top became your priority. It was always you and me. Together. Forever and ever.
/
Junior year –I used to wish I could delete some of the memories made that year between us –I used to sometimes wish they never happened. But if that were the case we would probably not be where we are today. We needed for all the bad to happen before we could wake up and realise that the good was always right in front of us.
I was always there and so were you.
I know I had come to terms with it all before you could even begin to even fathom the thought of actually being in love with a girl, let alone your best friend, but that's okay. People have to figure things out in their own time and that's what you did. And I love you for doing that.
We're here now and that's all that matters.
But when I do think of that year, it makes me sad. It saddens me to think that I had ever thought that it would be okay to spend so much time away from you. You may argue that and say 'But we were always with each other, even when we were fighting' but that's not true.
Yes, physically I could feel you and I could feel what you were doing to me but I couldn't for just a second, feel what I was doing for you. Was I even something you had wanted? Or was I just mistaken and something to keep you warm at night? Questions I never had the answer to at the time. Questions that made me worry. Questions that frightened me into thinking that 'maybe we weren't made for each other. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe soul mates don't exist'.
But I knew that I loved you with all my heart and that having to let that go would hurt more than imagining that you loved me back. Living a life of make believe.
I guess I just didn't realise that dreams could become reality.
It was hard to watch you pull yourself away and put distance between us –force it. I wanted to cry all the time and sometimes I did. Being with Artie made everything harder. I told you I loved him too but looking back on it now, I'm not sure if that was love or I was just too scared to acknowledge that I could have been losing you.
You told me you loved me and my heart jumped in my chest. I had been waiting so long to hear you say those words to me that it was like I was washed over with relief. Although you poured your heart out to me and finally admitted to yourself that this was real and it was happening –you loved me –you were in love with me –I knew you weren't ready. You were scared to face the world. You hated labels and you knew that in place like Lima, a label will be what helps to define you. That's not what you wanted. You didn't want to amount to a word that people whisper under their breath as they see you walk by, or something they shout crudely because it's a word –a label that they believe is just a challenge waiting to be accepted. They believe they can be the exception.
You didn't want the different treatment or talks and looks behind your back. You just wanted to be you. You wanted to be happy. But you weren't ready and I wasn't going to force you.
You told me you loved me and I returned the sentiment but I broke your heart.
And for a while I believed that no amount of love or kisses in the dark would be able to mend what I had broken. I thought you hated me. You brushed me off and didn't look back. In my mind, that was it. Maybe I was as stupid as everybody thought.
/
It wasn't until after New York and Nationals that we really gave us a shot.
You were becoming more and more comfortable with the thought of us as the days went by. You really wanted me and I wasn't going to stop that from happening, I wanted you just as bad.
We were never really open to everybody until Finn, who must have picked up some bad habits from his big mouth girlfriend Rachel, practically screamed it from the rooftops –that's how fast it travelled. You were so scared of what would happen and rightfully so.
You haven't spoken to your Abuela since.
It wasn't right –forcing you to do something like that. Forcing you to come out, not just to the school but to all of Lima. You should have been allowed to do that on your own terms. I know that you would have. You were working up to it.
/
After you slapped Finn you left and I couldn't even run after you because before I could even comprehend what had just happened, you were gone.
I tried ringing you a thousand times but not once did you answer –it just rang straight through to your voicemail. I was scared, scared that something even more terrible had happened to you. I didn't know if you were missing or if you just wanted to be alone.
There were tears of fear and frustration constantly filling my eyes during those long hours.
It wasn't until around eight o'clock at night when I saw a light move across the inside wall of the tree house that I sighed a breath of relief and chastised myself for not thinking of that earlier.
I had pulled on some shoes and a jacket and made my way outside into the cold air.
That night, I had found you in your jeans, wild hair and leather jacket –an image which usually had me flustered –and with your back leant up against the wall as you played with some chipping wood on our 'art' wall.
I could tell that you had noticed me. Even if you hadn't been facing my direction you would have sensed me there. You didn't look at me as you started to speak.
'I'm not a coward Brittany', I knew that and I had never doubted that, which is what I tried to tell you but you weren't done and as you looked up at me, your eyes rimmed red you continued. 'I'm not afraid anymore. I was scared but I'm not now. I haven't been for a while now and you know that.' I nodded that I understood. I knew this had been difficult for you and I just wanted you to know that I didn't judge you.
'Admitting that I'm in love with you isn't that new of a thing to me. In Junior year when things were difficult between us I used to hide up here –I guess I was just trying to reach you, to grasp onto you because I know that in here', you motioned around the space, 'This is all us'. Over the years the space had changed. We'd added extras all around the room to make it more 'us' and it worked because when I came here without you, I'd never felt closer.
'For somebody who pays a lot of attention to detail when it comes to us, I'm surprised you never noticed this', and for the first time in hours I heard a tinge of happiness flow through your voice.
But I furrowed my brows and tried looking at where you were picking but your arm was in just the right spot to block my entire view.
'I did this the day I told you I loved you. I knew it wasn't a phase and it wasn't just temporary. What we have –it's like magic Britt', your voice as soft as a whisper, tears betraying you. 'I look at you and the world seems brighter. I feel warmer and safe. But most of all I feel loved. It's like over the years you've just dug your way into me –into my heart and set up camp because you're not going anywhere and I know that I don't want you to leave either'.
'My heart is your home', At that, I remember the tears breaking from their barrier and rolling like rivers down my cheeks, a salty smile cracking across my lips. 'My heart is yours', that was when you lifted your hand and revealed the words you have carved into the plank a year ago. Words I'd never seen or noticed hidden amongst the rest of our creations. Words so simple that anybody else wouldn't have thought more on it, 'You are my home. I love you Britt, Proudly so –S.L', but to me, it meant the world.
/
The following year was difficult. Watching you leave to continue life somewhere else –away from me while I was stuck here repeating an entire year.
But that's not your fault.
I hated it though. I lost you that year for a while. I lost you to stolen smiles and a lady loving waitress. But I let you go. You had a future to grasp in the palms of your hands. I couldn't hold you back –I wouldn't allow myself to do that. I couldn't run the risk of having you resent me later.
That resentment wouldn't have fallen into my future plans with you. I wanted the happily ever after. I wanted you.
Sam was a ploy to keep you away. Pretending to cut ties with you was hard but I needed something there –someone there to stop you from coming back. You couldn't come back at the time. It wasn't in my plans.
But things happen and plans change. My mind and brain isn't as stupid as people used to say. A transfer happened and I had to say goodbye again. I didn't know what was to happen from then on.
That was the longest time I'd gone without seeing you. My heart physically ached at the thought of you and what you were doing, who you were seeing. It hurt to think of you being in love with somebody else but I think I always knew deep down that it wasn't possible.
We only get one soulmate to love how we do each other. You don't get to swap and choose, something I'll be forever grateful for.
/
But now I have to wait. I need to wait for this train to pull into the damn station so that I can make my way back to you.
My heart beats unsteady but it's a feeling I've grown accustomed to. You'll be there, I know it. I know that as much as I know that given our situation right now, it's completely possible that I may just fall into your arms and never let go. I let you go enough to know that it hurt too much the first time to ever do it again.
I may just whisper words of love into your ear over and over until it's engraved into your mind and into your soul. I'll remind you why we're perfect together. I can show you why we're perfect together.
With soft kisses and feather light touches growing more sure as time moves forward. Firm brushes of hands over thighs, grasped flesh in warm palms. Shivers down spines and nerves exploding up and down your body. Sweaty skin on sweaty skin. Hot breath on your ear, 'I love you'.
You once told me that your heart was my home.
Do you remember?
'Because I never left'.
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Thanks !